Please grade my SAT essay? :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The prompt: "A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. Understanding ourselves and understanding others are connected, since as human begins we all have things in common." Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>No matter how much a person may refuse to believe it, human beings are connected one way or another. Whether it is on a physical or spiritual sense, human beings can develop better moral virtues and a better understanding of themselves through the interactions of others. For example, in Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club, Rose Hsu is able to understand herself more with the help of her mother who went through similar problems as her. A famous Korean celebrity, named Sunye Kim, was also able to reach happier terms with her life when she joined the peace corps, went to Africa, and helped others in need. In conclusion, human beings naturally need interactions with others in order to achieve a better understanding of themselves.</p>

<p>Although at times human beings cannot see the common problems and/or abilities they have with each other, it does not mean that there isn’t any similarities between them. In the best-selling novel, The Joy Luck Club, written by Amy Tran, Rose Hsu literally loses her mind when she found out that her husband of five years was cheating on her. With a heavy heart and a haywired mentality, Rose, months later after her divorce, ran to her mother, asking her for help with her problems. In return, her mother told her horrific conflicts as she faced as a little girl. After realizing how similar her mother’s situations were to her own problems, Rose was able to find a solution (which ironically paralleled to how her mother cleverly conquered her conflicts) and she got rid of the emotional trauma she held from her divorce. As seen in this example, human beings cannot always figure out everything by themselves and thus they need the help of others. Because many human beings cannot wee the faults in themselves, asking for help from others could be very beneficial especially if they asked people who faced the same problems. Human beings, by nature, are known to be stubborn and independent, but there always come a time where humans need each other for the sake of self-improvement.</p>

<p>Human beings are able to understand each other (and themselves) better through the development of richer moral virtues and kinder treatment of others. An example of this would be Sunye Kim, a famous Korean celebrity who joined the peace corps and went to Africa to help others. When she came back, she was interviewed by several reporters and in each of her interview, she reportedly said that she felt she became a better person and after learning so much from the African kids she took care of, she felt she reached happier terms with not only herself, but with the world. Sunye, even after her trip, continued to donate to charities aimed towards helping African kids. As set forward by this example, humans can beneficially change after interacting with others. From the interactions and similarities with other people, human beings realize many thing whether it’ll be their life-callings, mistakes, and/or solutions to their problems. Therefore, human beings can beneficially depend on each other.</p>

<p>Through the connections with other people, humans are able to see their life in another perspective and thus, they are able to mend their ways, understand themselves better, and see life in a brighter light. Therefore, in the time of need, people should go to others for help because whether it’ll be a realization of their faults or development of better morals, human are guaranteed to get something out of their interactions with others.</p>

<p>Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read my essay! It really means a lot! ^__^</p>

2

<p>NanaFiore,</p>

<ol>
<li>One question - did you hand write this in 25 minutes? Because the essay is phenomenal and fully developed, which is very impressive. There are many wonderful things about your essay. First, you picked an argument and clearly voiced it all throughout the essay. Your examples are just great. More importantly, you actually LINK your examples and SUPPORT your thesis. The length is appropriate (I’m assuming you took up all the space on the answer sheet) which is also good. Now this isn’t a 12 becuase of one simple (but fixable) thing: vocabulary. You MUST incorporate SAT vocabulary into this essay. Your thoughts flow so lucidly and your argument is very coherent; you clearly have mastery over writing. But the lack of SAT vocabulary detracts from your score which bumps you down to the 11 mark. Also, another side tip: draw a comparison between your body paragraphs, a quick short sentence like that really shows you know what you’re talking about. If you mention how the Joy Luck Club is similar to Sunye Kim briefly somewhere, you’ll really show you know whats going on to the grader. Work on the vocabulary and you’ll get yourself a 12 :D! Hope I helped, good luck!</li>
</ol>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

3

<p>Thank you, thank you so much for reading my essay and giving me feedback! :slight_smile: Oh, and yes, I did. My AP Lang class did timed writings every three/four days for second semester, and my teacher would decrease the time limit every few essays we did so it really helped me for the SATs too. (Plus she graded our essays very, very strictly. :expressionless: )I’ll be sure to improve my vocabulary use and the connections between the examples. Again, thank you so much! :D</p>

4

<p>I need to be more cynical on this. To be honest, I think this is a 6-7.</p>

<p>First of all, NO EXAMPLES IN THE INTRO PARAGRAPH. None. Your intro should only have some creative, theological intro (which you did in the first couple sentences) and your main point, which is your last intro sentence. Also, don’t put in conclusion; you’re not concluding anything yet because you just started.</p>

<p>For the main body paragraphs, as my Language teacher always said, “You need to go deeper!” What does the example show that relates to your thesis? Similarly, how does Sunye’s giving back to the African community show that “human beings naturally need interactions with others in order to achieve a better understanding of themselves”? Your second body never addresses your thesis and does not stay on the path of the essay; it could if you related that more. Also, phrases such as “As seen in this example” are cliche and overused; just leave it out and start with what you want to say.</p>

<p>Conclusion is pretty bland; maybe add some more creativity like you have in the intro. </p>

<p>Perfect grammar is a must for high scoring essays as well. You seem to overuse commas in many parts, such as this sentence:</p>

<p>“When she came back, she was interviewed by several reporters and in each of her interview, she reportedly said that she felt she became a better person and after learning so much from the African kids she took care of, she felt she reached happier terms with not only herself, but with the world.”</p>

<p>This should be:</p>

<p>“When she returned she was interviewed by several reporters; in each of her interviews, she reportedly said that she felt she became a better person after learning what she did from the African children she cared for that she reached happier terms with not only herself but with the world.”</p>

<p>And try to read through and replace common words with higher vocabulary, and maybe add some more adjectives.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the feedback! :slight_smile: I only added in examples in the introduction because my last two SAT teachers have told me to do so. And also, thank you for pointing out that I strayed away from my thesis because I did feel wary about that when I was typing up my essay on this thread. I’ll be sure to connect my thesis to my examples on the next practice essay I do. Haha, and yeah, I do have a big problem with commas (and the overuse of thats), lack of vocabulary use, and transitional phrases so I’ll also definitely work on that. Thanks again! I really appreciated your “cynical” view. :)</p>

6

<p>anybody else think a way to increase one’s essay is to lie?</p>

<p>I am seriously thinking about lying heavily. I could either think of a book or instance I have had in my life that would work as an example or I could Lie like a rug :)</p>

<p>make a book up, make up something about my life. Is this grader who sits around grading 100’s of essays as a job really going to know that I never went skydiving or know all the books in the world( Make up a fake book title, then make main characters do whatever you want)</p>

<p>I give essay a 10-11, but that is just me and I have no way to know how to grade these correctly. A real grader would know exactly what this is.</p>

7

<p>Well, as long as it’s realistic-sounding, there’s no harm in lying. :wink: Thanks for scoring my essay. :slight_smile: Appreciated it!</p>

8

<p>You can lie and make up books. Some might know and others might not. But it won’t get you a good grade. SAT graders give the real points to those who can connect known sources (i.e. actual famous literature) to the question. For example, a connection from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will be much, MUCH more credible than a connection from Twilight.</p>

9

<p>And I don’t know why your teacher would have suggested examples in the intro; that has never been correct in any formal essay.</p>

<p>And just so I don’t seem like an incredible source, I’ve gotten an 11/12 on the ACT essay with a 35 in English, and I’ve taken AP English Language and Composition with a 4 on the exam.</p>

<p><em>edit</em> lol, I didn’t mean incredible, I meant not credible.</p>