Please Grade SAT Essay: What motivates people to change?

[electrifyyx]

<p>for any of you who takes the time to help, THANK YOU SO MUCH :)</p>

<p>I was trapped in the past. I spent several months living in nostalgia, and I feared that I wold trapped in it forever. However, after reading The Great Gatsby, I was compelled to change. I realized how similar his problems were to mine and I realized that if i continued my own self-destructive habits, I would die alone like him. The example of others is what pushes people to change, and my life serves as a perfect example of this.</p>

<p>My problem started last summer, when I went to China for a language immersion scholarship program. I fell in love with the country and didn't want to return home to America. When i finally did, I refused to let go of my memories. Everyday after my return, I lived in nostalgia. I trapped myself in my own mind. Life became hollow and I began to live for past memories, losing interest in creating new ones.</p>

<p>One day, I was prompted to change. I read The Great Gatsby in ENglish class, and realized that all of my experiences paralleled with Gatsby's. I had idealized China in the same way that Gatsby idealized his former love, Daisy Buchanan. I realized that I was fruitlessly trying to recreate the past in the same fashion that Gatsby tried to refind his youth by moving to a mansion across the lake from Daisy's home. I realized I was trying to reach an unattainable goal.</p>

<p>When Gatsby died at the end of the book, swirling like a lost compass in his swimming pool of riches, I noticed that my habits were self-destructive as well and tht I needed to change to escape the fate of Gatsby. His example changed my life and taught me what not to do.</p>

<p>I was motivated to change by a book. But it wasn't just the words on the pages that changed my life; it was the character coming to life. Jay Gatsby was created by Fitzgerald to allow readers to learn from his example. THrough this I learned to let go. I no longer live in the past and I realized that I need to be open to others' mistakes in order to learn from them and live a healthy lifestyle.</p>

[Andevan]

<p>I’m new to this website and I’m not going to give you a grade, per se, but I hope that you find my advice helpful.</p>

<p>Overall, it’s a good essay. Not great, but good. The essay comes off as very sincere, and the overarching theme of what you wrote is strong. However, there are some problems with the structure/organization of your essay, as well as your grammar, that you’ll likely want to work for the future.</p>

<p>First, you need to mention Jay Gatsby by name in the introduction instead of saying “I realized how similar his problems were to mine.” A pronoun can only be used after the noun it’s replacing has already been established.</p>

<p>Your thesis is strong, but your thesis statement isn’t, if you see what I’m trying to get at. You should mention earlier in the introduction not only that you realized you had to change, but that his example caused you to change; otherwise it seems like the last sentence is coming out of left field. Also, the thesis is a little wordy. I would go with something like “People change due to others’ examples, as I did because of Gatsby’s.”</p>

<p>The second paragraph should be where you give an example of how you lived in nostalgia. What did you do differently because of your nostalgia? Without an example, it just seems like you keep repeating that you were nostalgic, when you really only need to say so once.</p>

<p>Saying “One day” at the start of the third paragraph is a bit confusing. You didn’t read the entire book in one day, did you? If you mean you changed instantly the day you read the part where he dies, make that clear right then and there. Also, examples would help. You talk about what Gatsby did as a result of nostalgia, so try and connect that to what you did.</p>

<p>The conclusion is fairly strong, and I like how you talk about Gatsby coming alive so that it’s clear people can learn from real people AND books. Saying “Through this” is a little vague, however. I would get rid of that sentence and add on the idea you’re trying to express to the end of the sentence before it or the start of the one after.</p>

<p>There are a few things you need to work on on a more general level. I’d strongly suggest reading over the essay at least twice so that you make sure you don’t make silly mistakes like typos, not capitalizing “I,” or saying “that I wold trapped in it.”</p>

<p>You should also vary your sentence structure more. You start a lot of sentences with “I realized” and other phrases like that. Instead of saying “I fell in love with the country and didn’t want to return home to America,” you could say something like “The beauty of the country made me want to stay there forever,” for example.</p>

<p>Finally, keep your verb tenses constant. Switching around verb tenses in the middle of sentences is a big no-no for the SATs. Your sentence that “I no longer live in the past and I realized that I need to be open . . .” will stick out like a sore thumb to the SAT graders. You could switch it around to something like “I stopped living in the past and realized that I needed to be open . . .”</p>

<p>Well, I ended up writing a lot more than I intended to, and not all of it stuck to the strictly-grammar talk that SAT essay help usually tends to revolve around. But I hope that you find my suggestions helpful, and good luck when you take the SAT!</p>