Please help

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Alabama
1

<p>I have tried 3 times to post a long post that keeps disappearing so going to make this quick…</p>

<p>My daughter is on presidents scholarship. First year. Not doing well in classes. Socially fine. First semester 2.5 gpa and 11 credits after dropping a class she was flunking. This semester flunking at least one class- an intro to a language she has had 6 yrs previous education in. Taking 15 credits and 4 are a repeat from first semester in the class she got a D in. Major is not the issue. Depression is not the issue. Intelligence is not the issue. The issue is immaturity and lack of any self discipline.</p>

<p>We live very far OOS and my hands feel tied. I offer help, suggest counseling, etc but she says she has it under control promises to do better and try harder. I think she believes it when she says it but never gets self motivated to make the changes necessary to succeed. </p>

<p>I had hoped being in a smaller Honors College inside a huge university would prevent her from falling thru the cracks if this happened but there have been no attempts by anyone to reach out to her. If someone beside me reached out I think she would take the help. Her advisor is not the person to turn to as we have had a few problems and can’t get the basic help with scheduling from her.</p>

<p>Any suggestions??</p>

2

<p>Frankly, I think that anyone “reaching out to her” would get the same response that you’re getting, “yes, yes, I’m going to try harder,” but then later, “oops, friends are going to XXXXX tonight and I want to go with them…I’ll study later.” and, then “later” never comes.</p>

<p>the issue isn’t that “she needs the help.” Someone in the HC telling her, “hey, you need to hit the books and stop being a social butterfly” isnt’ going to make a lasting impression on her to make her change. She has to truly want to change, she has to commit to a study schedule, and commit to the idea that “school first, then social.”</p>

<p>If she needed tutoring, she could get that for free at the tutoring center…but her issue isn’t the ability to digest info. The issue is that she’s too into the social aspects of life right now. Maybe there’s a boy that has caught her eye and she’s hanging around him too much. Since her problem isn’t social or depression, I doubt words from strangers will matter much. </p>

<p>The problem lies solely with your D. Even a small school isn’t going to tie her to a desk and make her study/do homework. As you already know, being “talked to” has made no difference. </p>

<p>You might contact the Honors College (maybe send a letter to Dr. Sharpe), and ask for input. maybe the HC might want to start looking at HC kids’ grades and start contacting those with less than good grades. </p>

<p>Frankly, if this were my kid, I probably would park myself in a hotel for a few days and see if I could get her to rearrange her priorities. If her classes end at 2pm, then I’d have her study from 2-5, eat, study a bit more, and then she’d have some social time. I bet she’s being social right after classes with the intent to "study later, " and then that never happens.</p>

<p>BTW…what is the source of her funding for her social life? If she’s being given an allowance, you might want to cut back on that.</p>

3

<p>No allowance. Survives on her own money from babysitting etc. I doubt she spends more than 30$/month for all her expenses. Social life is more videos, late night lakeside, games, occasional parties/dancing.</p>

<p>I am not looking for someone to hold her hand, perhaps just a “we noticed you are struggling, lets sit down and make an action plan and see if we can get you back on the right track”.</p>

4

<p>is there anything at the Center for Academic Success that may help? </p>

<p>[Center</a> for Academic Success - The University of Alabama](<a href=“http://www.ctl.ua.edu/AcadSup/browseacadsup01.asp]Center”>http://www.ctl.ua.edu/AcadSup/browseacadsup01.asp)</p>

5

<p>maskedmom, my heart goes out to you! I have a kid at a different college who struggles a bit due to his social personality and general preference to do other thing than study. When he was playing a sport, he had mandatory study hours and coaches breathing down his neck. That helped. Now he has to monitor himself and still just barely skates by. </p>

<p>That said, it’s not uncommon for freshmen to make lower grades their first semester. I can see your concern that she seems to be continuing down that path this semester. If you can swing it, M2CK made a good suggestion about coming to visit. I just came back from a visit that I’d previously arranged just in case D didn’t get to recontract for housing next year. I wanted to be able to help her look at properties (she doesn’t have a car on campus at this point). It quickly became apparent to me that D was feeling a bit overwhelmed and had fallen behind on some homework. (Even though she’s a first year student, she has been taking upper level history classes and they have a lot of reading…as in 5-6 pretty hefty books during the semester). I don’t think my visit could have come at a better time. We were able to talk through some strategies of how to catch up and how to not fall behind again. </p>

<p>One of the things we discussed is what is an appropriate amount of time to spend on homework. I did a little research and it turns out the old adage from when I was in college still exists: including time spent in class, a student should expect to spend 2-3 hours a week per credit hour. For example, D is taking 16 hours. Including class time, it is not unreasonable that she spend a total of 48 hours a week on her education. Certainly not less than 32 hours. I think she began to appreciate why being a full-time student is like a full-time job. She was able to finish the book that needed to be done last week which took a lot of pressure off of her. I suspect D has been watching too many movies and hanging out a bit too much, but she is learning how to manage her time. </p>

<p>I wonder if your D could meet with someone in the HC or someone from the First Year Experience. Sounds like she just needs someone to help her get back on track.</p>

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<p>Students, regardless of what year they are in college, can feel overwhelmed. Earlier this year, I thought I was going to have to jump on a plane and head to T-Town, because my son was juggling too many things, and had mono, too. Fortunately, we were able to work things out using the telephone and e-mail – sending a couple of well-timed care packages also helped. (he also did not want me spending all kinds of money to come) I would also recommend that your daughter go and see the professor of the class in which she struggles. That professor may have some good study tips that would help her.</p>

7

<p>I am not looking for someone to hold her hand, perhaps just a “we noticed you are struggling, lets sit down and make an action plan and see if we can get you back on the right track”.</p>

<p>If your D were struggling because the classes are too hard, then that might work. The person could get her into tutoring or whatever. The “action plan” that your D needs has already been told to her by you, and yet she prefers to do other things. </p>

<p>The problem is obvious…videos, games, late night chatting in Lakeside, etc. She likes being with friends. I’m guessing that her schedule has “back to back” classes? If so, then the minute she gets out, she does her fun stuff. (I’m still betting on that there is a boy that interests her…lol)</p>

<p>If her schedule does not have “back to back” classes, then those times should be dedicated to studying (at a minimum!)…lol</p>

<p>It sounds like she came from a high school where getting good grades required a modest amount of studying/homework. That’s a common problem. Kids get to college and that won’t cut it. </p>

<p>I know that this is horrible and is driving you crazy, but another person telling her what you’ve already told her isn’t going to matter. She’s just going to do the same with them…nod her head, say that she has things under control, and then go do what she wants.</p>

<p>I’ve seen posts like this over and over again in the Parents forum from parents of students attending big, medium, and small schools. The kid either tells the parent what the parent wants to hear (I’ll study more), or tries to dismiss the parent’s concern, “I’ve got things under control.” In the end the kid either decides to pull it together or the kid fails and has to leave (which would be dreadful, I know…especially if this would be her only opportunity to “go away” to school.). </p>

<p>Have you sent an email to Dr. Sharpe? Include her CWID, UA email address, etc. Dr. S won’t be able to really discuss her grades with you (ferpa - and acknowledge that you know that he can’t discuss with you), but if you provide what you already know and ask if someone can contact her, then he’s not violating anything if he reaches out to her. And, it would be a good opportunity to suggest that the honors college consider contacting its students whose grades are falling behind the levels to keep one’s scholarship. </p>

<p>Can you come to Ttown for a few days? If so, then you’d be able to show her that dedicating a few hours each day towards studying will still allow her a social life.</p>

<p>I will be in Ttown tomorrow. If you’d like for me to sit down with her, I will gladly do so. :slight_smile: (I promise to be very nice. :)</p>

8

<p>Is this going to affect her scholarship? That would call for a major discussion about what you will pay for if she loses it due to GPA or credit hours.</p>

9

<p>M2CK- Thanks for the offer. It actually made me cry. I think you are right, chances are slim anyone else will be able to get thru to her. She did schedule class days with a few hours between classes and our agreement was that she would not go back to her dorm but somewhere to study instead. My guess is that isn’t happening but midterms next week will confirm that or not.</p>

<p>I have sent a couple of emails to see about setting up appts and will just tell her the times and that she needs to attend.</p>

<p>She will lose her scholarship if she doesn’t get her GPA up to a 3.0. I believe she would be put on academic probation for Fall 13 semester and if she doesn’t get a 3.0 for that semester than the scholarship is gone. I have led her to believe it will be pulled at the end of this semester and she will not be coming back but who knows if she believes that or not.</p>

<p>Good habits are hard to form at this age. I tried earlier in life but her and my husband would argue I was being too harsh since she was a straight A student so I would back off just being grateful she was a good kid, not into drinking or drugs, and top in her class. What a mistake that was.</p>

10

<p>Even with the Presidential scholarship, there are many costs beyond that. I’m not trying to be rude. Please don’t take my post as such.
In our house, it was made extremely clear that scholarship covers only so much. If you (student) don’t hold up your end of the deal by keeping your grades where they need to be for your scholarship, we (parents/payors) will not be shelling out xxx amount of money for you to remain an OOS student, anywhere! Your little butt will be parked in your room at “payors” house, continuing classes at a local campus until you prove that you can handle being away from home on “payors” dollar.
I know that meal plan, housing, transportation, etc are all extra costs.
Tough love? Maybe.
Fact of life? Definitely.
I was that freshman staying up late at night, partying a little too much, skipping class a bit too often. I never put forth an ounce of effort in high school so I thought university would be the same rodeo. It’s NOT. Guess what? My parents gave me ample warnings to straighten things up. Yeah, yeah. I didn’t return the following year and enrolled in a local campus because I was not mature enough to handle the freedom that comes along with being away from home. Of course, I despised them for it but I am now very thankful. I probably would not have finished college had it not been from a bit of tough love.
Flying the coop to an OOS university is not a right, it must be earned and proven that you can handle all of the outside distractions while remembering you are there for an education FIRST.
I’m sure that you have suggested a “study buddy” for nothing more than someone to hold her accountable. I would be concerned that her friends/social buddies are experiencing the same situation therefore making it “the norm.” I’m assuming that she’s not in a sorority. They have required study hours and must be accountable for their GPA or else they’re put on probation.
I would encourage her to seek out an older student, either from a class or her dorm, to ask to study a particular “subject or project” in a specific class. If that is successful, that can snowball into a study partner from various classes. It’s one more way of being held accountable and it’s a responsibility to show up for a study session.
One last thing, I would not discount the counselor. They have lots on their plate. Maybe your daughter can swallow her sourness of the counselor and give him/her a second/third chance. I would hope that if a student reaches out to them in a genuine manner, I believe they would offer to help them get back on the right path.
Good luck and you’re brave to reach out for advice.</p>

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<p>Thank you. Actually between the Presidents Scholarship, the engineering scholarship, and 4 private scholarships our costs is pretty much nothing this year. She worked over the summer and pays for all her books and any extras. Next year a couple of the privates will go away. </p>

<p>Her group of friends are all honors students and one of her bff’s is even a tutor in the subject she did the poorest in. I can’t blame them. My thought is she seeks out whoever isn’t studying at the time and hangs out with them.</p>

12

<p>I just wrote to Dr. Sharpe about this issue. I’ll let you know if he has any ideas about what can be done.</p>

<p>Her group of friends are all honors students and one of her bff’s is even a tutor in the subject she did the poorest in. I can’t blame them. My thought is she seeks out whoever isn’t studying at the time and hangs out with them.</p>

<p>That’s what I suspected. Her friends are getting decent grades, but she’s hanging out with whoever isn’t busy at the moment.</p>

<p>She did schedule class days with a few hours between classes and our agreement was that she would not go back to her dorm but somewhere to study instead. My guess is that isn’t happening but midterms next week will confirm that or not.</p>

<p>Scheduling a few break hours between classes is good for study habits. I don’t know what she’s doing during that time, but sitting in that back area of the Lloyd Hall food court can be a good study spot.</p>

13

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<p>As a fellow parent, my heart goes out to you, maskedmom. Your hands feel tied because they are tied.</p>

<p>Motivation is by far the single greatest factor when it comes to changing behavior. Without self-motivation no amount of heroic intervention will make a difference. It appears that your daughter has a problem delaying gratification. She plays, strikes false bargains with herself about getting to the work, and denies the reality of the unpleasant consequences she’s about to experience.</p>

<p>Those consequences may prove to be her most valuable teacher in life.</p>

<p>Sometimes a parent has to be strong enough to stand back and let a kid fail. It’s heart breaking, but if a kid lacks the maturity to understand how the world works, the world will provide that understanding, albeit at a high “tuition.”</p>

<p>One of my stepdaughters was like your daughter: very bright and unmotivated. We told her to get a job, go to the local community college, and enjoy the fruits of her decision making. She was shocked, hurt, and angry. A year later she surprised us with a scholarship she’d obtained all on her own. She went on to receive a BFA and is currently the brand ambassador for a large company, traveling the world (she’s in Australia as we speak), and making a very good salary.</p>

<p>You’ve led the horse to water, but she doesn’t want to drink. She’ll eventually get thirsty enough to do so, but may need to find a fresh watering hole.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your daughter. My fingers are crossed in the hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.</p>

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<p>The good news is you know your DD can learn as least as evidenced by a standardized test score and high school grades. My son recently graduated in engineering from another state’s flagship university. In HS he considered himself one of the smart ones. It took a bit for him to realize that studying for HS and studying for college engineering classes were two different animals. No more working alone and half-doing homework. He had to find a study group for each class and put the time in doing problem sets and reading to understand the professor’s lectures. There were no shortcuts. There is hope your daughter will come around soon and find a good group of study partners in time to salvage this semester.</p>

15

<p>Your note resonates with my biggest fear for my S (freshman 2013). He is suffering from senioritis now, and is very proficient at finding a friend who isn’t busy.</p>

<p>I went to a Big 10 school, and I went from Honors to Probation in one semester. I recovered and graduated, and now work at what most view as a prestigious aerospace institution.</p>

<p>Many of the ideas posted here worked for me. I took one less class, but tried to stay close enough to 15 hrs to stay on track. I “forced” myself to take an early class MWF, and used my new early rhythms to work out Tu-Th mornings. As others mentioned above, I spaced out my classes just enough to allow for idle time to study, but not enough to find a idle friend. </p>

<p>Filling out a daily planner helped a little. Just seeing my week blocked out for reasonable academic time exercised my teeny little goal-setting muscles.</p>

<p>I never really found a study-buddy, but I did make enough friends in class for the occasional note-swap or all-nighter cramming session.</p>

<p>My parents were not part of the solution. It was something I had to do. </p>

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

16

<p>Thanks for all the suggestions, support, and PM’s (which I am too new to be able to reply to).</p>

<p>My husband and I are going to skype with her and try to get her to write out and commit to an action plan as well as some other things that should help her out. After that it will be up to her.</p>

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<p>maskedmom- One more suggestion is to ask your D to open up to some of her more studious friends. They should be able to support, encourage and help her be more responsible.
Good luck!</p>

18

<p>*Thanks for all the suggestions, support, and PM’s (which I am too new to be able to reply to).</p>

<p>My husband and I are going to skype with her and try to get her to write out and commit to an action plan as well as some other things that should help her out. After that it will be up to her.
*</p>

<p>Hi, since you mentioned that in the past, your H undermined your efforts of encouraging your D to have better study habits, it’s important that he be the one to lead the skype discussion. That way, your D won’t think that “mom is just going crazy again, and dad probably thinks so, too.”</p>

<p>good luck!!!</p>

<p>I’m guessing that you’re going to make it clear that if she loses her scholarship, she’s coming home.</p>

<p>Also, she should have rec’d a “probation” letter from the HC. Did she?</p>

19

<p>Well, first of all – I just want to say that I totally understand your frustrations with your child. I’m living through the same thing with my youngest. He is only a junior in high school but the issues are the same. It is frustrating beyond belief when you know your child is more than capable, yet isn’t making choices that lead to success. It is especially hard when so many of the parents on this forum have kids who are thriving academically and socially – I question myself often about what I did wrong, yet my older child is one of those “thrivers” so it doesn’t make sense to blame it all on my parenting! I just really wanted to know that there are other parents facing similar issues and you aren’t on your own. </p>

<p>Malanai’s words really struck home with me – having been on this forum for 2 years I knew he would have a thoughtful response. The idea of letting a child fail is frightening in the extreme. Many folks have given you great suggestions about some first steps you could take to support her and hopefully get her back on track. But I also think you are going to have to hold a very frank discussion about what the consequences are going to be if she loses the scholarship. Would you refuse to pay OOS tuition? Would you require her to come home and enroll locally? Would you require her to pay tuition until she can prove she has earned your help financially? I think those are things you are going to have to think about in the coming days, and then you need to be prepared to stick to what you decide. </p>

<p>My dad was a General Advisor at UNC-Wilmington for many years. He commented often on kids who lacked the maturity to handle college, but who returned later with some life experience (i.e. paying their own way) and thrived. I really hope everyone’s thoughts will give you an action plan that is successful, but please don’t feel like a failure yourself if your daughter needs to follow a different path than you had planned. I just think some kids are born needing a bit of a kick in the pants before they get it all figured out.</p>

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<p>Great point.</p>

<p>She is aware she will be coming home as there is no money to pay her tuition without the scholarships.</p>

<p>As far as GPA- does anyone know the policy on grade replacement if you retake a class? I can’t seem to find it on the website.</p>

<p>Daughter “thinks she got a probation notice” but would need to look around to be sure…lol. This is a good example of what I am dealing with.</p>