Plz Rate this 20 min essay!

Test Preparation
1

<p>the topic is... </p>

<p>“The government should never limit personal freedoms.” “In some cases, it is necessary for the government to limit personal freedoms.”</p>

<p>I'm supposed to discuss one of the two statements above, supporting my views with an example or examples from science, art, history, literature, current events, or my own experience or observation.</p>

<p>dont mind the few of my spelling errors.. also you may notice that my last contention is a bit touchy... i was just playing devil's advocate.</p>

<p>Here we go:</p>

<p>Only in certain situations should the government be able to limit personal freedoms. Specific examples include the issues of privacy, censorship, and lifestyle.</p>

<p>In recent times the personal freedoms of Americans have been somewhat restricted. Case in point, the Patriot Act signed by George W. Bush, limits American privacy. The act allows the government to track one's activities to relay information about them being potential terrorists. The benefiets of this act outweigh any problems it could cause because it substantially protects Americans from terrorist threats. As of now, no other system would be adequate to determine this kind of information.</p>

<p>Next, limiting the freedom of speech and expression helps all. Recent events such as Janet Jackson's brief display of nudity or Bono of U2's obscene comments at an awards show are inappropriate. The government should be able to censor them not only because it makes TV more appropriate, but it prevents younger and more impressionable people from duplicating these acts. Surely that would help the revitalization of society's decency.</p>

<p>Finally, limiting who can get married protects the moral fibers of America. If the government did not prevent gay marrige they would be contradicting the christain foundation of the USA and the vision of its forefathers. In the pledge of alligeance, evidence can be found that our country has a strong base in God. Overall, banning gay marrige would help the USA maintain its honored ideals and prevent the society from collapsing because in Christianity, gays are associated with corruption.</p>

<p>As you can see from the examples above, limiting control of personal freedoms is sometimes neccesary to bring order society. Without these ways to control the actions of people, chaos would abound.</p>

2

<p>The people at ETS are looking primarily for insight and structure. The 5 paragraph essay is good but I think four paragraphs is better. I would rate this essay a 4/6. The essay pertains to the topic and introduces several good example, although it fails to really develop any of them. You should probably outline your essay in the introduction (thesis statement) and pick only one of the three examples. </p>

<p>For example:
A government is often justified in restricting the civil liberties of its peoples, especially the freedoms of speech and self-expression. In fact, such limitations are often necessary to protect other citizens and individuals. These observations are best supported by the American Patriot Act and its utmost necessity during a time of war and turmoil.
[First paragraph describes the Patriot Act, what it is, what its purpose is]
<a href="this%20setup%20of%20body%20paragraphs%20creates%20a%20%22cause-effect%22%20relationship,%20which%20ETS%20looks%20at%20more%20favorably%20than%20a%20list%20of%20examples.%20%20According%20to%20them,%20it%20offers%20more%20connection%20and%20insightfulness%20between%20body%20paragraphs">Second paragraph describes the benefits of the Patriot Act, the lives it will save from terrorism, and the tactical advantages it brings</a>
Obviously, the recent enactment of the Patriot Act and its positive consequences illustrate the idea that the government may be justified in constraining civil liberties. In a country where ideals of individualism and democracy prevail, it must still be remembered that one's freedom's are still limited by the rights of other individuals, which culminates into the utilitarian ideal of a common good; the government is justified in ensuring that one's right to speech does not infringe upon another's right to live.</p>

<p>Another piece of advice, try to create an incredible conclusion. The evaluator only spends about 2 minutes reading your essay, and the last thing they read before they determine your grade is the conclusion. I'm not very good at this, but fellow SAT II writing takers suggest this strategy a lot.
Your writing abilities show that you have the potential to receive a perfect score. Just try to create a better structure and a more connected, fluid, essay.</p>

3

<p>One last comment, the SAT II Writing Essay and the New SAT I essay, one of which I assume this is for, does not endorse LD debate-type writing. They're looking for an essay, not a speech. Value, Criterion, and contentions aren't really the structure they're looking for.</p>

4

<p>I had that very prompt on my SAT II writing test in October. Althogh I don't know what I received on the essay section, I do know that I scored a 770 despite ommitting quite a few multiple choice questions after runnning out of time. To this score well on the essay, I included overwhelming detail and a unexpected but clear connecting thread on which to hang my arugments.</p>

<p>As Wvernrider123 said, you want cause and effect. As I remember it, I picked topics that were superficially divergent and then connected them. In each, I attempted to elucidate the two sides of the debate and then systematically attack one of them. Although the topics and arguments differed, the fact that they had the same cause and effect relationships, albeit on different scales, was a powerful "hook".</p>

<p>The main things your essay lacks are concrete evidence and an all encompassing conclusion; one that you explain from the start and refer back to throughout the essay.</p>

<p>Statements like "...limiting who can get married protects the moral fibers of America." lack context. This phrase is too vague and subjective to be taken seriously.
What you need there is either: a) Empirical evidence, possibly from a recent news report OR b) A dramatic anectdote. Personal experiences tend to be frowned upon by ETS, but if it is the only evidence you can muster on the spot, your essay isn't blown. You can still make a very convincing arugment.</p>

<hr>

<p>For the record, my essay took a firm stance on the issue. That position being the exact opposite of yours. I realize you might be playing devil's advocate (so to speak, no offense intended) with this essay. Regardless, I suggest that when you write on this type of topic, you take care not to infuse it an overdue amount of religious rhetoric. With government, your points are immediately voided by the first ammendment:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;"</p>

<p>Nearly all of the religious moral arguments I've encountered depend on the reader having "faith". With ETS, you cannot make any assumptions.</p>

<h2>For a moral argument to be convincing, it must be defended with more than just opinion and inflammatory hyperbole. If you can pull off a sensitive but religious argument, kudos to you, you deserve a 12 on your essay. However, since this is a very difficult line to walk, I would suggest sticking to observed fact. ETS graders have little appreciation for nuanced philosophical debate.</h2>

<p>"Overall, banning gay marrige would help the USA maintain its honored ideals and prevent the society from collapsing because in Christianity, gays are associated with corruption."</p>

<p>I would greatly appreciate it if you would send me a private message. The conservatives I have been able to talk to about this issue are poor writers. Unlike them, I believe that you would do this belief justice. I am VERY interested in your view on this issue, how you came to adopt it, and how you both incorporate it into daily life and plan to further it. If you need any incentive, I'm a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance. I am curious how someone with a formal conservative position such as yours would respond to some of the questions we have been receiving. Go ahead, pounce ; )</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the insight guys, I'm still mulling through comments and BTW this is for SAT II! I should probably have another essay posted tonight.</p>

6

<p>one more thing... I have taken into consideration a few things from your comments! I do need to support my essay with more concrete and emprical evidence. The thing is, I should have remembered that, i'm a debater! My essay structure was very point for point because of that. Give me some more examples of the cause and effect structure Wvernrider123....</p>