<p>Jmmom - In my husband's case the club would be...daddys who do anything for their daughters - which tends to work exactly opposite of the mean moms club. And...I don't think unpacking would kick you out of the club.</p>
<p>1972 Freshman Year at small VERY EXPENSIVE lac in NY.
Parental involvement in college selection: minimal
Parental payment of tuition: total
College selection: based on recommendation of a drama teacher.
My parents took me to visit three college; two in Boston, the other just outside of NYC. Loved the proximity to Manhattan for the arts, restaurants, well, for the complete change from the suburbs of Connecticut! My father just wanted me to be happy, didn't give me specific advice, just encouragement to follow what I loved. My mother didn't give me any advice at all. My parents both had very difficult early lives, during WWII. My father was evacuated from Burma to live with nuns in Scotland and mother was a refugee to London, from Nazi Austria. Both my parents families lost everything material and more, during the war. My father became a physician, my mother a dentist in England. They had grown up at a time when their parents weren't able to indulge them at all. I didn't know anything about AP's or early decision. My parents were a bit mystified by the American college application process, didn't read my essays (one school had five). I went on to get two graduate school degrees, mostly paid for by myself. When it was absolutely necessary, they would help out a little. Couldn't have made it through without them. They felt that because they hadn't received much advice (I never got homework help), that the choices were mine to make and live with. So, I really got to go where I wanted, phew - there was a lot of luck thrown into the mix.</p>
<p>The total input of my parents regarding my college selection was my father's comment that I could apply to Yale, but if I got accepted "I'm not coming to pick you up for Thanksgiving." I didn't apply to Yale because of that comment, and I regret it. My mom's only comment was "You are not going to Oberlin, they smoke dope there." (This was 1975.) I did everything else on my own, but my mom did call the Congressman's office to see why I was turned down for a grant as my dad had been out of work with open heart surgery (a biggie back then). The response was we couldn't have a grant because we owned our house and could take out a second mortgage.</p>
<p>applied to three schools and was accepted to all three. i decided which schools i'd apply to and which school i'd attend. both of my parents were born in ireland and moved to the u.s. when they were around 20. neither one of them had more than an 8th grade education, although my father went on to manage and own a number of moderately succesful businesses. neither of my parents knew anything about colleges and they left the decisions to me. without ever complaining or making me feel guilty they paid all my college bills. very different process from what i've gone through with my two children.</p>
<p>Freshman year-1969
Parental involvement - Mother's only. She dictated the list of places to which I could apply. I remember she originally had Duke on the list but took it off for some reason. She allowed me to apply to Radcliffe, Wellesley, U.N.C. Chapel Hill and her Alma Mater (my safety )William and Mary. I loved the Boston area and was excited to be admitted to Wellesley, where another nice girl from my school was going, but she changed her mind when she read about all the radical goings-on on campuses that year and decided to sequester me in nice, safe -and cheaper - Williamsburg. She was paying, having received an inheritance from a childless uncle dedicated to our education. I was bored stiff in Williamsburg and wish in retrospect I had been more assertive with her, but she was ill with cancer that year (died in March) and I didn't want to upset her.</p>
<p>"My name is Garland, and yes, apparently, I'm a codependent enabler holding dominion over my spineless offspring who is too incompetent to have moved out the second she graduated."</p>
<p>No, didn't touch a nerve. LOL</p>
<p>I'd like to hear some of you "Mean Moms" in about four years, if your kids hit a job market anything like what my D and her friends did. After several months, and no job bites in NYC where she wanted to live, leading her to take a job two miles from home, and decide to save enough to afford the apartment eventually, we didn't think it was such a morally bankrupt move. Now she has the apartment ready to move into in Park Slope, will furnish it and could pay all fees and deposits on her own, and will have almost everything she made in the last ten months in the bank, because she knows how to save. Most of her friends are followng a similar trajectory.</p>
<p>We don't make rules for her; we barely see her since she works till 11 or later, and is away most weekends. But she's great company when she's around, and got her little brother a summer job where she is, too.</p>
<p>I sure do hope she overcomes this character fault. Now that I've acknowledged my failings, what are the next 11 steps? :)</p>
<p>good point garland.</p>
<p>Probably the next 11 steps will be 11 "told ya so" smirks at the rest of us when our kids face post college relaities ;)...</p>
<p>Sounds like your kid is doing great!!</p>
<p>Yeah, she is! Despite the early post-graduate bumps, I feel her school really prepared her to be a productive and thoughtful citizen of the world.</p>
<p>Garland, this sounds good. I have a daughter in a similar situation, and living a short distance from Park Slope (Carroll Gardens). Even if kids find decent work, they may need a subsidy in NYC for a while. But if they don't find decent full-time work, it's to their advantage to find some kind of job and pursue opportunities as they may come up. That's how it's working for my daughter.</p>
<p>Well, early on, we said that subsidies were out--we live close enough to NYC that living at home is possible if she can't support herself. But with the money she has saved, and her ability to live on a shoestring, I'm not worried--she can do this on her own. We just couldnt swing the subsidy, so she knew she'd have to figure out a plan that worked.</p>
<p>I'm sure you have all seen this, but in case you didn't... The Wall Street Journal had an interesting article on "Helicopter Parents" titled "Tucking the Kids in--in the Dorm: Colleges Ward off Overinvolved Parents". This link should work: <a href="http://www.collegejournal.com/aidadmissions/newstrends/20050729-shellenbarger.html%5B/url%5D">http://www.collegejournal.com/aidadmissions/newstrends/20050729-shellenbarger.html</a></p>
<p>As an online WSJ subscriber, I was able to see a poll (relating to that article) with a question that the WSJ posted. The question was "How do today's college students compare with their parents' generation?" </p>
<p>With 2839 people voting:
They're more independent / 608 votes/ 21%
They're less independent/ 1614 votes/ 57%
They're just as independent/ 617 votes/ 22%</p>
<p>I think I need to clarify what being a "Mean Mom" means to me. It does not mean that I will send my kids packing once they graduate college, it does not mean that I won't be there with my outstretched arms and a credit card. But what it does mean is that I hope I will never call a professor on my childs behalf...or interfere in her life at college. I hope I will be able to keep my nasty comments to myself when she brings home what I'll consider "undesirable suitors". And, whatever major she choses or path she decides to take in life - I hope I will be able to share her enthusiasm and encourage her to do what makes her happy (as long as it isn't illegal).
And - I won't do her laundry for her!!!!!</p>
<p>SORRY FOR HIJACKING THIS THREAD......</p>