That’s the only rule we had. I value my own privacy, so I assume my son values his. I do expect him to behave in a way that makes him deserve his privacy and freedom without my intrusion into his life as an adult.
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I expect that for those who so monitor it is a decreasing amount as the student either does okay at the school or does not and has to leave the first year. Those who have kids who have been in academic or disciplinary trouble, substance abuse, or dependent upon a grade specific grant may be monitoring longer.
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I agree with you on a personal level, my kids likely won’t need anywhere near that level of oversight. But, I can understand a situation where freshman and sophomore year a child needs some amount of handholding that gradually loosens.
And honestly, a person who has trouble managing their life with a college degree is likely still in a better place than a person who has trouble managing their life without one. Not an ideal situation for certain but I think everyone is just doing their best.
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I can’t imagine asking my son to make a voice call once a week (or ever). I don’t think he has ever called me on the phone before… If I saw a voice call coming in from his number, I would worry that someone was in the hospital or had been arrested!
On the other hand, our whole family constantly chats on text and discord, and I expect that will probably continue, with the occasional facetime thrown in.
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If you’re wanting signs of life and your kid will participate, I recommend Snapchat streaks with them. A daily contact with almost no time cost to them, especially if they are already keeping streaks with others.
I agree with regard to a little handholding, provided the young adult is on-board, and efforts are being made to help the young adult to better manage on their own. But some of what has been described sounds more like strong-arming than handholding.
Another “sign of life” for Apple Watch users is if your kid is a fitness friend - you’ll have their “close your rings” status.
When my daughter was studying abroad, we played daily Wordle and shared results with each other. I now play Digits daily and share results with my son. There’re other quick games kids play on their phones. I’m sure some of them are interesting enough for parents to play as well.
I see several benefits of playing these games with my kids. Other than brain exercise, it keeps the communication flowing, nothing serious, just a quick ping for fun. Once a day “mom” pops up on their phone, which also serves as a reminder in case they have something to share (or to ask for). There have been some “oh btw …” texts following the game results.
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We have three rules so far…
- We do not pay for the next quarter until we get grades from the previous quarter…
- After poorly handled sickness - if a student is experiencing the onset of sickness - call immediately. At least text, even if no energy to call. Do not try to handle it yourself!
- Keep location on. And be part of the family Life 360. At least you can see that student (or his/her phone) is moving around
And we asked for a call once a week when possible :), we usually check with a text prior to a call is it a good time…
I’m the opposite about illnesses, my kids do call me but don’t actually always listen to my suggestions, which drives me nuts. I don’t want to hear about your endless bad cough if you refuse to go to urgent care.
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Two kids FaceTime several times a week. My oldest would call for car accidents, she’s 26 and I still dread seeing that she’s calling. My sons only called when they needed something, one is chatty in person but not a caller, the other is pretty antisocial.
We have not very simple to handle long-term Covid complications- in the first semester, DD decided to play adult and handle it herself. It ended very badly… She has been sick (for 2 weeks minimum) every semester. Unfortunately, I need to act like proxy, since she cannot handle it on her own when she is sick. She does not have energy for it. If she stays untreated situation gets out of control.
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The bills for the next term for our kids came out long before the grades came out for the current term.
But we insisted on watching the kid log into their portal to show us their grades. And believe me…they would have been asked to withdraw if their grades had not met our agreed upon expectation (which was the GPA required to keep their scholarships).
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In our case bill is due one week into the next semester
There are no rules per se, except a) please don’t try drugs, and b) behavior should conform to the high standards of the family — that was left unstated, but is well understood.
I applied for GE renewal in December. Thought that was plenty of time for our trip late July. Nope. Processing time is estimated to be 9 months! Of course they processed our payments of $100 each immediately!
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Haha! That is us. I have trained my kids to say whenever they call me to say “nothing is wrong” first, because otherwise that is my assumption. They never call us. We call them (at H’s request) every so often.
but we text daily. We have all kinds of group chats - all 6 of us (includes GFs), all 4 of us (no GFs), both parents with each kid separately, and then just 1 parent/1 kid, oh and 1 parents with both kids. We are always posting news stories, funny stories, pet pics, things to brag about, etc. all of the time… multiple times a day.
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We didn’t have rules per se…but we did set expectations.
For example:
- You’re an adult, so you need to act like one
- We are not paying for you to party. If you party and have too much fun and flunk out, you owe us for that semester. If you can party and do well in all of your classes, that’s great. You’re an adult, you need to learn how to balance academics and fun and manage your time
- You need to respect the law. Don’t drive while drunk, don’t get caught doing illegal drugs or drinking underage. If you do get caught, you pay for any costs that are incurred. The same goes for respecting the rules of whatever university you attend. If you get a parking ticket, you pay for it. Or mom and dad will pay and you will pay them back…
- We expect you to do well and do more then just pass your classes. If you aren’t doing well in a class, it’s up to you to get tutoring or ask for extra help. Take advantage of the resources available to you
- And like @Mjkacmom said, I don’t want to hear you complaining about not feeling well if you refuse to get medical help. If you’re sick, go to urgent care or the campus health center
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None of the above for our family. Except all our kids have passports.
Like some of the parents here, we also made it clear that we were only paying for 4 years of undergrad. Now, if our kids had to take longer then 4 years due to something out of their control like an illness or major tragedy that was fine, but that was a we’ll deal with that scenario if and when it happens. If they couldn’t graduate in 4 years due to not passing classes, they needed to pay us back for the extra semesters…
As for drinking…we just modeled healthy behaviors. We aren’t a big drinking family to begin with. There is nothing wrong with drinking a glass of wine at dinner. There is also nothing wrong with not drinking. Neither one of our kids is a big partier or drinker. D had a classmate in high school whose parents used to drink with him…he is now paralyzed due to a drunk driving accident that took place his freshman year of college. Some kids go crazy with drinking regardless of how they were raised. That’s something to keep in mind…Not all kids are going to go crazy if they weren’t allowed to drink in high school, some kids and families aren’t interested in drinking.
As for money, we gave them a set amount each month. If they blew through that at the start of the month, that was it. We wouldn’t give them more. We also expected them to get a job to help pay for fun and entertainment. They had credit cards, but we made sure to talk to them about how important it is to pay them off each month and that credit cards aren’t free money. We also mentioned how easy it is to rack up credit card debt and get into trouble.
We didn’t have a call-home schedule. Our kids usually called us once or twice a week anyway…
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