I’ve found the less I expect of my adult kids, the more they do.
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But I got a notice that I could process when coming back from an international trip, and I saw the signs for that in immigration at an airport. I don’t know if that would take extra time when coming back, but I really thought it wouldn’t take long (and immigration wasn’t busy at all when we were coming back, maybe 10 minutes.
It wasn’t only me who was only paying for 4 years, the state and the school also had that rule and the grants and scholarships were also only for 4 years (8 consecutive semesters). For both kids, they needed that money to go to the schools they wanted to be at, and if they needed an extra semester it wouldn’t have been an insignificant amount of money. In fact for one daughter, the amount for an extra semester would have been more than I paid for her entire time in college. Wasn’t happening.
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We didn’t establish any rules, check grades or otherwise infantilize our kids. College is great time/safe space to make the occasional stupid decision/unwise choice. Figuring out how to dealing with the consequences of those decisions is a key part of becoming an adult
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Actually high school is that time, not college, where all courses attempted are permanently recorded and mistakes can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars or result in adult criminal liability.
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Few mistakes are that costly. Of course there are rare exceptions – students do sometimes commit truly serious crimes, and sometimes they fail out. And of course learning from one’s mistakes is a process that should start much earlier. But college does offer a cushion, and it is a time (certainly not the only time) to learn from screwing up. Especially because this is the first time most students will have no real adult supervision to keep them in line. So you learn responsible drinking habits, perhaps, or you learn the hard way not to start the paper the night before it’s due, or you learn to seek help from the professor before the exam. These are hard lessons, but not ones that will permanently mark one’s record.
Not all courses attempted are permanently recorded at every school, by the way. My undergrad institution did not record failing grades (anything below a C, as there were no Ds) on the public transcript. Many institutions allow students to replace low grades by retaking courses for higher grades. There are lots of second (and third) chances and lots of opportunities to get it right.
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This last sentence is important. Giving kids space to make mistakes in high school, middle school and elementary is key to creating those learning moments. Ideally finding moments where the cost is minimal but this isn’t something that is always possible.
Questions about alcohol for college students are one of those things that is school dependent. At some schools, the policy is lenient and students largely do as they please (BTW-- I’m cool with this and think the 21 drinking age is a terrible policy). Other schools have more draconian policies so students have to be more careful
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Wish we could pin this.
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There is enough evidence to argue that the later you start drinking, the fewer the chances of becoming dependent on alcohol. The drinking age is one way we are messaging, and trying to stop kids starting early.
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Not to derail the thread-- but i’m going to.
Given than NIH data show that almost 50% of all students age 18-22 drank alcohol in the “last month”, I don’t think the current policy works.
It seems to me it would be safer to allow consumption openly rather than forcing it into the shadows where kids may make even stupid choices. For example, rather than “pre-gaming” and slamming down alcohol before an event, they could drink that same amount over a longer period of time.
I attended 2 schools, one where the policy was very open “you are adults and we expect you to not take actions that harm yourself or the community” and the other where drinking was limited to dorm rooms. How I consumed alcohol was very different in those setting and my behavior was significantly less safe/healthy at the stricter school.
They are not adults.
The problem starts with parents wanting to be friends and “introduce” the kids to alcohol “safely” when they were in high school. At this point some part of the process already failed.
I dont think the age limit of 21 was meant to discourage college drinking; more focused on high school drinkers who easily passed for ( or were) 18 and were driving. High school drinking has declined, so perhaps that works
18 year olds are adults.
I live in a state where it is legal for parents to provide their own kids with alcohol in their own own. Agree that the parents that try to be the “cool” parents and provide it to other kids or look the other way when it is served in their house
Another thread reminded me of something I never spoke to my kids about but wish I had - cults.
When I was in college, one summer I was living in an apartment with some of my sorority sisters and they started talking about another member who hadn’t been around for a while. One said “I saw her talking to the Sunshine people.” I was like “you mean the Moonies?” Yes, the Sunshine people who had a house basically through our backyard. This girl was living in a frat house for the summer so no real roommates or eating schedule. None of my roommates knew what Moonies were. I was the expert as I’d read an article in Seventeen Magazine (some expert). I said “Call her mother.” No action. Days later, “Call her mother.” after about a week someone finally did. Her mother was on the next plane, chain smoked in my apartment overnight, then figured out a way to have the girl come meet in the backyard. Mother whisked her back to California for deprogramming and all turned out well.
I’ve been obsessed with Scientology lately because of the Masterson trial, which has caused me to listen to a lot of podcasts by those who have left. They often go into how they got into it, and if they weren’t raised in Scientology it is likely they joined as an 17-25 year old. Many wanted to explore more about life, to have a purpose and they got sucked into paying a lot for ‘training.’
But watch out for cults. I have one kid who rarely joined anything but the other was easily influenced by just about anything from video games to clothing to religion. And she loved to talked to anyone.
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Okay, even if it succeeds in eliminating drinking during many occasions, it would be a success. I don’t expect my daughter to NEVER have had alcohol until after senior year started - but at least her and her peers weren’t getting alcohol everywhere, every time.
If they hung out in their apartment and opened a bottle of wine after dinner occasionally, I’d be okay with that.
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Steering this back to the original point of the thread. IMHO the following conversations are important–
- making the decision to drink or not
- alcohol safety e.g., steps to limit possibility of being roofied)
- understanding when consumption is too much.
I’d also want to make sure to continue to have open lines of communication. This is why we didn’t say to our kids “don’t drink” because we didn’t want to put them in the position of lying to us.
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That was smart! My parents were so strict that I wasn’t exactly honest with them. I wasn’t even supposed to wear shorts. I remember one time in grad school having to sneak into my office at school, hoping my dad didn’t see me in shorts (his office was a floor above mine). And he still doesn’t know that I drink. 
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18, legal adults. In this house no more curfew, don’t get arrested. On my twins 18th birthday (youngest) all 5 of my kids got sibling tattoos (I made them wait until they were all adults).
I am not sure what “legal adults” means :-). Legal drinking age is 21. We were talking about drinking upthread.
This is a great thread. So many different ideas! 
Things I’ve considered as prep/ground rules for when we have to tackle this in a year with D24:
- birth control: going on the pill AND using a 2nd form of protection. Also getting established with an OB/GYN.
- drinking responsibly and how to protect your beverage so you’re not roofied.
- open discussion about different drugs and their side effects on a person
- take the 3- session free ladies personal defense class through our local police dept.
- contact us regularly for proof of life.
- show us your grades regularly or we’re not going to pay your tuition.
- get a part time job for ~10-14 hr a week.
- don’t get arrested. And if you do get arrested, we aren’t paying your bail.