<p>I am not sure about an adviser. I will check with her. Considering the stress she is under, I suggested a counselor, but she said that would be one more thing to deal with!</p>
<p>I realize she thinks it’s just one more thing, but a good counselor will help her distress and help her focus on what she can do versus worrying about it. As a parent, can you request additional information? It seems that these expensive conservatories expect us parents to fork over the money but we are left in the dark if our child is on the bubble. I’m seriously reconsidering letting my son audition at anything like this.</p>
<p>And I second an advisor. Someone should your daughters advocate.</p>
<p>There is another discussion she can have and that is about her practice routine. She may not be using her practice optimally and not realize it. It is a big change from HS to conservatory. Her studio professor may assume she has good practice habits but maybe they can be fine tuned… DD has had hers checked several times during her college time, including recently in grad school. Particularly when she seems stalled. If she is too shy or afraid to broach the topic then that points to a relationship that is not working for her.</p>
<p>@cellomom6 I think it really is not so much one more thing as one more opinion. When we talked the other day she said she was sure a counselor would tell her to not work to excess, and she felt her teacher was telling her to work more. She is doing what the syllabus specified in terms of practice routine, but now he is looking for more, and the routine already takes about 3 hours. I think that in addition to that, she has been working with him on changing her technique and that is challenging. She had the same lesson teacher for many years before going away to school, and she is learning to play in a different way. Also, regarding being kept in the dark, the school sent a letter informing us of the placement on probation and I am sure I could contact the Dean or the teacher, but I have chosen not to do that. I think she needs to work this through on her own if possible, and if not, I want my DD to ask for my help. Self-advocacy is not her strong point, and if she wants to have a profession in music she will need to develop that skill at least as much as she will need to work on her performance technique.</p>
<p>Brava for not intervening. I realize that it’s tough to sit by and watch our kids’ struggle, but by 18, they really should be advocating for themselves. I hope your D can talk to her teacher and figure out what she needs to do this next semester. I’m chalking freshman year up to " learning curve." I know that my S has missed out on some opportunities because he doesn’t communicate well, but I’m hoping he’s at least learning from the experience. He’s also one that is not particularly good at speaking up or asking for help. Parenting ain’t easy, but we’re all doing our best. </p>
<p>For me. I will intervene. My son will not get financial aid. We will be paying the difference between what’s left after scholarships and a tiny little Stafford loan. I personally would be livid if my d’s would be found in this situation and would definitely require feedback from him on what to improve. I too found myself in college struggling. I was going to a lac for nursing as a single parent. I was put on the bubble. I had no help. I was overwhelmed. I dropped out and am thousands in debt as a result. I was late once because I had to get my car from the mechanic and they highlighted my name and put a star next to it. I’d get in trouble for things other students wouldnt. I’d be careful about taking a complete backseat because I’m sure if my mom would have intervened demanding an explanation they’d have treated me better. In fact I know they would have. We have close ties to this same schools music department. I do not plan on my d’s going there except as a safety. Sometimes being on the bubble invites more scrutiny. I really hope you daughter doesn’t go through what I did. I know not music but it is similar.</p>
<p>
Not every kid is fully able to self-advocate at 18, although of course it’s important to let kids struggle–even when it’s painful to watch–so they can learn to deal with adversity. But sometimes they still need an advocate or adviser. I’m not saying that howdoihelp should be stepping in for her (his?) daughter, as he/she seems to be handling it well. But it’s important to realize that kids have different growth curves (I have four and they have been very different this way.) </p>
<p>I agree with the growth curve. I know my son is behind maturity wise. He was a July birthday. We should have held him back a year. I do expect I will have to nudge and maybe intervene if there is an issue. He does seem to do well with the mentor type teachers and the stricter the better for him. </p>
<p>I have four kids and, contrary to pop myths about birth order, they’ve matured at different rates. One of them has always been behind for her age in emotional maturity and has needed more help from us. But patience has paid off and she is is really blossoming. If I’d only had my other three I can imagine that I’d be less patient with parents whose kids seem immature relative to my own. </p>
<p>I don’t know enough about the politics and protocol in this environment for specific advice but I do know this . . . of my two kids the younger was born advocating for himself and is a natural ‘fixer’. The older does all her own self advocacy now at the age of 19.5 but I had to coach her through a lot of it in earlier years - even freshman year and last summer with job searches. If you don’t come by it naturally it is a critical skill to learn but I don’t see anything amiss or coddling in coaching a kid through the steps and helping them to follow through - particularly not when facing what could be a major turning point in their path if not handled with some level of savvy. </p>
<p>Saintfan, that is an excellent way of putting it. I’m referring to “coaching a kid through.” My S doesn’t come by it naturally, but is definitely picking it up now, after lots of “coaching.” I didn’t have it in high school or college, and desperately needed it. Thanks for the wise words.</p>
<p>I have spoken to DD repeatedly, and I have been trying to coach her in dealing with her teacher on this, but unless I she asks, I will not contact him directly. I know she needs coaching on what to do, and how to do it, but she needs to be able to do it. At this point, I can’t be managing her relationship with her teacher, and certainly not without her OK. I did learn that she will be talking with the dean again before the midterm, and I do have her OK to contact him and learn what I can. I did try calling, but am awaiting a call back. I am not sure what information they will provide, but I am hoping to learn if DD’s perception of the long term fallout from this is accurate, and possibly if this is typical for this teacher. It would also be nice to know what percentage of the teacher’s freshman graduate from the program, and specifically from his studio. While I am not sure if I should be contacting the administration, that feels far less intrusive than dealing with her teacher, and since I am the one that wants this information, and DD doesn’t really seem to need it, I am calling!</p>
<p>howdoihelp, I think you are doing the right thing in calling the Dean. After all, you have been informed via letter from the department regarding the probation, and are well within your rights to call with questions about that. Beyond that you are helping your daughter sort through the issue, guiding her to seek information and problem solve. I am in agreement with saintfan in that there are times when we as parents do need to step in to provide assistance, especially when the stakes are high–even we adults at times need an advocate to be ‘on our side’ during tough times. I agree with you also that calling the teacher might not be a good idea at this time–going through the administration is a better decision. I hope you get a call back from the Dean soon and at the very least get some of your questions asked, and I hope even more that all is resolved for your daughter. Telling your daughter that 3 hours of practice in addition to rehearsals is not enough–well, that is a recipe for injury when you’re dealing with wind players. That does concern me. I hope that your daughter is able to get some clear answers from her instructor as to what she needs to do beyond increasing the amount of practice time and what exactly he feels she is doing incorrectly. </p>
<p>FWIW, I think you are handling this well, howdoIhelp. We’re just hear to lend moral support!</p>
<p>Thanks @glassharmonica! I appreciate it!</p>
<p>I think you are handling it well, while I am an advocate for kids figuring out a much as possible themselves, and I think your DD needs to be talking to her teacher, when it comes to something like probation you as a parent have the right to talk to the Dean, especially given the fact you are paying tuition. It IMO is perfectly okay to ask the dean about the situation, whether this is something that often happens (especially with this teacher) and about the future, especially if it could mean your D could be asked to leave. If for anything, it lets the Dean know you are concerned and may lead them to potentially, if the teacher is known for this kind of behavior, to push back. </p>
<p>I agree totally with the idea not to go near the teacher, among other things, if this guy is what I and others have suggested, it could make it worse, if it causes him to peg your DD as somehow someone not able to stand on their own two feet. Unfortunately, I have dealt with teachers with difficult personalities, and I can tell you that parents getting involved rarely changes anything (I also will add that since we don’t know the whole story, and it is why I am saying “if”, since I don’t know the teacher nor would I even if I knew the name and school, since it is woodwinds…). </p>
<p>We went through more than a few years with a difficult teacher, and it isn’t easy, and anyone who makes it cut and dried has never dealt with the situation,it sucks. </p>
<p>A brief update…I finally spoke to the Dean, after a lot of email and phone tag. He was reluctant to communicate via email, although I would have preferred it. I am not sure if that was his interest in having nothing in writing, or some other reason. While I am not exactly delighted, I do feel a bit better. It seems that this teacher is known as tough. I believe the words drill sergeant were used! It seems that he has a habit of using first semester grades as a “red flag”, to indicate students need to do more. I was told that the studio actually graduates a very high percentage of the accepted students, so it is not really an effort to weed kids out, but seems like a way to whip them into shape. I don’t like that, and think it is a terrible way to deal with anyone, but especially 18 year olds and their parents. I was told that while there may be consequences moving forward, should DD not get off probation or should her grades drop again, it is not automatic. The most important grades ore those for this semester, and while they do reserve the right to drop her later, that is generally not the case. DD will be meeting with the Dean again soon, and they are getting info from the teacher, so I hope that by spring break things will be more clear. I just need to push DD to ask, with some regularity " Am I progressing adequately, and what can I do to continue to make progress as an artist?" I spoke to DH, and he thought DD would have a hard time asking, especially if the answer was “no” I suppose that may be true, but if she is not progressing and is unable to do what the teacher believes needs to be done, she needs to be somewhere where she can progress to the satisfaction of the teacher. She can only do what she can, and if that is not enough for this program I hope she will be able to find an alternative. She is working hard, and wants to stay, so I hope she gets to do so, but each of us can only control what we do, not what others do, so the grades are out of her hands. Thanks for the help, and wish us luck!</p>
<p>Thaks for the update! Luck!</p>
<p>Good luck, and I agree with you. I think this is a terrible way to treat one’s students. </p>