<p>I am very sorry for the situation. My family is quite familiar with your circumstances. My brother was in a similar place 25 years ago. My parents joined a group called Families Anonymous, which they found incredibly helpful … it was a godsend. I don’t know if the group still exists.</p>
<p>The one thing I can say is that addicts have to decide to change … you can offer all the tools to help them, but only they can change themselves in the end. My brother was clean for many years, but he got back into prescription pain killers after an accident later in life & then tried to break free when my mom got sick. He never could, and he lost his battle last summer.</p>
<p>I tell you this because I think it’s important to be honest with you. As I said, I have been there. Your situation is a very difficult one, and one that you may or may not be able to help your son out of. Of course you will try everything … but know that in the end, it is up to him. </p>
<p>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>If your son is willing, there are young adult (over 18) therapeutic wilderness programs that are top quality and will give your family time to figure out the appropriate next step, which might be a young adult therapeutic residential program. Look into Second Nature in particular. Quite expensive, but might be the right path.</p>
<p>I think there is some excellent advice on this thread. My H had a drug problem but thankfully, he had kicked it before I met him.</p>
<p>However, the addictive behavior – the manipulation, lying, etc. remained.</p>
<p>It helps to think of the stealing, lying and drugs as other symptoms but not the disease itself. The underlying depression is still the disease and he is still self-medicating in the way he is now used to.</p>
<p>To embrace the antidepressants and therapy is to have faith, let go, and be in free fall. It’s a lot to ask of someone, even though it’s a vital step.</p>
<p>I agree strongly with the posters who suggest rehab in a residential setting. That seems the only option at this point if he will agree.</p>
<p>You have my deepest sympathies. Any of us could be in your shoes.</p>
<p>I would also put him in a rehab setting where he could not get a hold of pot. But, I would wait until my husband and therapist were back and on board and provided a solid, united front and support for each other. </p>
<p>Drug abuse and addiction is rarely conquered easily. You must be strong and willing to see this as a long fight. Get whatever help you need, from here, your friends, your family, a therpaist, etc. as this might well be the hardest thing you’ve encountered thus far in life.</p>
<p>The al-anon suggestion is for the parents, not the son. The son would go to AA or NA…if he was ready.</p>
<p>NA is of limited value, as there is usually very little clean time in those meetings. AA usually has much more clean time and is full of addicts these days. Almost everyone in an AA meeting has smoked pot and is remaining free of all mood altering substances.</p>
<p>If he can find young people meetings listed in the area, these can be valuable, too. </p>
<p>Good luck to you. You have to let him do a lot of this himself. That’s the hard part and the reason for you to get support yourself.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m ignorant but would a rehab facility even take someone who is only a pot smoker? To me, the depression is far more serious than the pot. The pot is probably being used as an escape mechanism. What does your son want to do? Where does he want to be? Where does he see himself next week, next month, next year? If I were in your shoes I’d probably be looking for a therapeutic wilderness program as MOWC suggests or some sort of time-out. He just might need to get away for a while and it probably wouldn’t hurt the family dynamic to have him away and in a place where the academic consequences are not in jeopardy at this point in his life and there are experienced people that can help guide him. As long as you put the stipulations for return connected with his leave of absence from his college the time-out might be warranted. I would assume a therapeutic experience would be holistic and a way for him to sift through his issues. It would be personally difficult for me to put a young person in a rehab facility unless I was certain that was the root problem and even then I’d probably cut off the cash flow since pot is so expensive before I’d put a young person in a rehab facility…rehab is not summer camp, it’s a very, very serious step into a community of people that have far worse drug addictions I suspect although I’m no expert and have not been in this situation so YMMV.</p>
<p>In the OPs eyes (mine as well) being a pot smoker is a serious issue. It’s drug use and has lead to theft, deceit, flunking out of college, and other sorts of bad things.</p>
<p>There is a distinct possibility that it will lead to more drug use in the future and cause more heartache.</p>
<p>The OP also said that the son had more pot than they would like to have seen, which makes me think that OP may be concerned that he is reselling it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say “only a pot smoker” in this case…now if your kids are into pot and that’s ok with you, that’s a different story.</p>
<p>“To me, the depression is far more serious than the pot.”</p>
<p>“The depression” can mean so many things. Sometimes it’s hard to know until your sober awhile. Fortunately there is already a professional involved. Look hard at the outcome studies on residential rehab.</p>
<p>Of course. If rehab facilities will take people for gambling, sex addiction and shopping addiction they will take people for marijuana. Marijuana, like virtually any mind altering chemical, can be used with few ill effects or with serious ill effects. A person who smokes a joint after dinner may be no different than a person who takes a couple glasses of wine. It’s really no problem. But when it becomes a compulsion, it is the only thing that one thinks about, it causes one to lie and steal, it is a serious problem. Generally, when anything starts causing you problems, and you can’t just quit, then it is a problem. I speak from experience.</p>
<p>One other thing. Like I said, I’ve been around this a lot. Some people just smoke a little grass every now and then. But a person, especially a younger person, who smokes pot constantly is likely using other drugs as well. Maybe not abusing them, but it is possible.</p>
<p>I know a couple of families whose teens/twentysomethings had the same sort of issue the OP outlined. In both cases it was very bright kids who just did not know themselves well, did not know what they wanted to do or be and did not feel confident. I don’t know if it was actual clinical depression or if they were depressed situationally due to confusion and lack of self confidence.</p>
<p>The kid who is now on the other side of the journey somehow, through a series of small events, developed self-respect and self-confidence and now seems fine and does not need an escape because he is no longer miserable.</p>
<p>Each case is different, but if you do sense something like this is the root of the cause, then your son will need to follow the path that leads to self-respect and self-confidence…and, of course, if there is an actual addiction that would need to be addressed, too.</p>
<p>As mythmom wrote, “The underlying depression is still the disease and he is still self-medicating in the way he is now used to.” is a very important aspect to your situation. The pot smoking may simply be his form of self-medication.</p>
<p>Without any particular goals in his life, his depression and (probably) lack of confidence evolved into pot smoking.</p>
<p>He does need some intense help, in whatever form you take. But it’s completely worthless if he doesn’t buy into the reasons for doing it and want to change.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, especially on top of the sad family situation your husband is handling.</p>
<p>I strongly suggest you call the on-call therapist. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know your son right now-- your son’s regular therapist left an emergency number and now you have an emergency.</p>
<p>You need an experienced expert to help you figure out what to do. You need to understand whether the addiction is the important issue, in which case tough love would be appropriate, or whether depression is the main issue, in which case tough love might be a disaster. It’s not easy. That’s why you need to talk to someone with experience.</p>
<p>You and your son are in my thoughts. I wish you all the best.</p>
<p>My partner at work has been dealing with his son’s pot addiction for a number of years. He gave him everything, paid for college only to later find out he wasn’t attending classes, and brought him home to “get things straight” but with continued lying and manipulation. They gave him an ultimatum of cleaning up his act or out of the house. He is now out of the house. Of course my partner is heart broken, but there was no other choice.</p>
<p>Your son is depressed and doesn’t like himself. It’s doubtful, that a young adult can get out of that state by being continually dependent on others and living like he does at home, with everything provided for him, like he did when he was a kid. Please give him the opportunity to “find himself.” Yes, it’s risky, but it’s the only way. If he won’t or can’t go to an outside rehab program, help him to live on his own. One way to do this is pay for his first 3 months rent, and gradually decrease any assistance over the next year. Of course, he’ll need to find a job to support himself. Don’t worry about college as it’s a waste of time and money at this point. He needs to be an independent adult now.</p>
<p>When I read your first thread, OP, I believed you were describing my son. I had a similar thread over in the cafe two months ago. </p>
<p>For what it’s worth, at this point I think arguing over whether depression or pot is the bigger issue is not getting anywhere. Your son does not need to be treated for pot additiction specifically, he needs to be treated for addiction. My son just left a 30 day inpatient treatment program and is now putting his life back together (or rather, creating an improved version of one). </p>
<p>I would call the on-call therapist and ask for his/her recommendations. I would write out the most important points about your son’s behavior and contact your husband. Tell him the therapist’s recommendations. He should not be left out of this process. The timing is never good but I think it would be a mistake to leave him in the dark and for you to struggle alone.</p>
<p>Hi…thanks everyone. I don’t think I slept even 5 minutes last night, it was very hard to even think of sleep with so much on my mind. I appreciate all the insight and of course all the suggestions, tips and resources. I knew I came to the right place.
Wildwood…I am going to followup on all those links in just a bit.
I actually did call the back up therapist this morning and leave a message, hope to hear back shortly. I will make an appt. for tomorrow and see what he has to say. I cannot wait a week, seeing how my night was and my anxiety level is off the charts.</p>
<p>I basically agree with what most have said. It is going to have to come down to a treatment center or moving out. Unlikely that he will suddenly oblige and turn himself around and live by our rules staying in the house, I don’t think if I am being honest with myself that he is able. I don’t know though what the bigger part of this is though…the actual pot addiction, or the depression and as someone said, if it is depression then throwing him out would not be wise.</p>
<p>So we have a lot to work out and that is precisely why I am not making any rash moves without the help of a professional. On top of all this, I have recently had some unexpressed doubts about the therapist. Again this is another new world to me (never been to one) thankfully never had to but this is a nice woman who comes across somewhat passive aggressive, who to me, has spent too much time focusing on the past, yes I know that is how traditional therapy is supposed to start but I feel the gist of it so far has been how we have loved him too much, etc…can you imagine how after almost 20 years of devoting my blood, sweat and tears to this child, giving up my own career ambitions (putting them on hold) to raise him and his 2 siblings some therapist comes along with such a provocative statement at a time when our family is in serious crisis? </p>
<p>So on top of everything else I am not even sure this “therapist” is the right person for us. I am not sure if I even want a therapist right now, or if that is what he needs. Needless to say I am a very confused individual right now who just wants to do the right thing for my very lost child. I just want to get back my beautiful, highly intelligent, sensitive, conscientious, kind hearted, compassionate, sweet boy back…I have tears in my eyes as I write this but I just miss that boy so very much.</p>
<p>It will be okay. It will. But there will be a lot of these days ahead of you. Please look for a support group that meets today and go. You need to be strong for yourself. If you fall apart you can’t help your son.</p>
<p>I am sorry this is painful for you. Please find an al-anon meeting for yourself as soon as possible. It really will help immeasuably, with the anxiety, with everything.</p>
<p>In the meantime, adiction is addiction is addiction. It doesn’t matter the substance. It’s all the same. Also, most addicts or alcoholics were originally self-medicating for depression or anxiety or both. It’s immaterial.</p>
<p>If your son decdes to go to a residential treatment rather than move out, or whenever he is ready, please look for a place which treats both. Actually, most good treatment facillities treat both.</p>
<p>Again, good luck to you. I hope you do something to help yourself today.</p>
<p>I was at a presentation the other day and the police officer said not to think of today’s Pot as the Pot of our generation. It is far stronger and is truly a gateway drug. It is much more addictive and there are many grades of it. He said it is not at all uncommon to hear stories of kids who were recreational users suddenly become hard core ones, because of the additives being inserted into the pot.</p>
<p>I think you need a referral to a specialist in addiction. This is what I would ask the therapist you speak to today for – names of these kinds of specialist.</p>