<p>I just went on al anon’s website and it only refers to alcoholics. Does anyone know about this? Is there only one al anon? I want to be able to go to the right one.</p>
<p>There is narc anon as well. But, in many communities, al anon is the place to go for all substance abuse issues.</p>
<p>Alcohol is a drug. Addiction to any mood altering substance is addiction. You will find people in al-anon with people in thier lives with all sorts of addictions. The only difference between alcohol and most drugs is that it is legal, not the dynamics of addiction or what it causes. Just go to an al-anon meeting.</p>
<p>It’s the same feelings you describe having whether you are a mother of an alcoholic or the mother of an addict, though there really is no difference between these two things.</p>
<p>Ok, thanks. I wasn’t sure…again I have confessed this is all new to me. Just wanted to be sure. Will go back and see where the closest location is…thank you.</p>
<p>Good! I know this is really, really hard. It will feel better with people who really understand what you are going through in your life. It is so hard to stay clear and to know what to do next. It can really just help to have people in your life who will say, “I know. I know. That’s hard.” </p>
<p>Truly, good luck to you all.</p>
<p>Wipedoutmom - I was going to PM you later today but wanted to post this now. You know my situation and although it is different (depression only - no drug abuse) you and I had the same feelings.</p>
<p>Here are a few things I did for myself.</p>
<p>1) I printed out a list of the symptoms of depression. I had S sit down and put a check beside each one that he had. We didn’t talk about I just needed to understand where he was. I didn’t understand depression at all so when he would say he was depressed my thought was okay let’s go ride bikes you’ll feel better. Just knowing the symptoms he was feeling helped.</p>
<p>2) I also read that my frustration just made his depression worse. Basically saying to him through my actions that I feel the same way he does about himself. This could not be further from the truth but I didn’t know how he was taking my actions. I made a point of being calm and relaxed when I talked to him or was even in the room with him. Also, instead of repeating 10 times to take his medicine I would just get it and hand it to him. He is starting to take his meds without me but when he was at his worse my only goal was to help him get better and doing all that I could for him. I decided this was not the time for little battles. So I fixed his meals, washed his clothes, reminded him to get up and basically anything else we would expect an 18 yo to do on his own.</p>
<p>I really think that Chris is using the pot to medicate. If he can get the right anti-depressants he can be back to the Chris you raised. I know this is probably the hardest thing you have ever gone through. I know for me it is and my S was 8 hours away and I didn’t even realize the depths of his depression until he called home and said he really needed to come home and see a doctor. He is home and truly back to his old self. But the weeks before the meds really kicked in was a sad and painful time. </p>
<p>I hope you can find the right doctor that you and Chris both feel comfortable with. The right professionals in this situation can make all the difference.</p>
<p>Please know that I am thinking of you and Chris.</p>
<p>Just sending my encouragement, support, and best wishes. Addiction is a dreadful disease. The love you feel for your son is clear. It seems to me that the current therapist is off-base in identifying that you’ve “loved him too much” as a problem that should be addressed now, while your family is in crisis. </p>
<p>Al-Anon changed my mother’s life, and her sister’s - even the first meeting lifted an enormous emotional weight. Better days will come, Mom. We care and are rooting for your family, so please keep us posted.</p>
<p>I am sorry you don’t have confidence in the therapist. Unless your son is really attached to her, I think you would be wise to find someone you think is more able.</p>
<p>I have been many crises involving therapy and having a therapist who seems spot on helps enormous. There should be a click like ‘why didn’t I think of that’ with some of the things h/she says.</p>
<p>I know it’s so hard, but please try not to take the therapist’s explorations seriously. She is looking for a thread, like one does with a tangled ball of yarn.</p>
<p>As for loving too much, my goodness that could be me and many of us, I’m sure.</p>
<p>In my head I carry around the scene in The Miracle Worker when Annie Sullivan tells Mrs. Keller that she is the problem. “You’ve loved her too much,” says Ms. Sullivan, and then she proceeds to get Helen to fold her napkin.</p>
<p>We do love them so much that sometimes we are the impediment. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but if it is, you are not alone.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who said it’s not important if it’s the pot or the depression that is the underlying pathology.</p>
<p>My only point was that if the pot is symptom the OP may not need to feel so betrayed by her S’s behavior. He can’t help himself at this point, and his behavior isn’t directed at anyone; he’s just being controlled by the addiction. </p>
<p>Therefore, the OP can be angry at the addiction and not her son.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean the boundaries and tough love aren’t right, but she doesn’t have to suffer with the added pain of his betrayal.</p>
<p>wipedout- try not to make the therapist the issue or the enemy. I know it’s hard. I don’t think she’s saying that you’re the problem; I think she’s trying to tell you (and maybe in a passive aggressive way, maybe not phrased as sensitively as she could) that you lack perspective on your S’s issues due to your very close love and bond. Which of course you cannot argue with- he is your son, you will do anything to help him. And maybe she’s trying to give you another entry point into his reality, i.e. if you were not his mother, you might see A B and C, but because you are his mother you see three different things.</p>
<p>I know many families with kids in crises and they often drill down so deeply that they miss some of the other issues. Try and keep your irritation with the therapist in check… there may be some helpful suggestions buried in her comments to you.</p>
<p>Hugs. This is awful for all of you and you are doing a magnificent job!</p>
<p>"The al-anon suggestion is for the parents, not the son. The son would go to AA or NA…if he was ready.</p>
<p>NA is of limited value, as there is usually very little clean time in those meetings. AA usually has much more clean time and is full of addicts these days. Almost everyone in an AA meeting has smoked pot and is remaining free of all mood altering substances."</p>
<ol>
<li> Many people at aa meeting have not smoked pot .</li>
<li> There are many people at na meetings with significant clean time.</li>
<li> The attitude of aa participants towards drug users even though alcohol is a drug is frequently adversarial.</li>
<li> There are differences as to why “drug” users continue to use vs alcoholics.</li>
<li> There are also differences in many aa meetings vs na meetings on the focus of the ten steps.</li>
</ol>
<p>There is no difference in the way the steps are worked in either AA or NA, and there are 12 of them, not 10, by the way.</p>
<p>I am a member of both, go to both, from time to time, and I can say that while some really really old people might get wierd in AA about talking about pot, it would be a very rare occurence as the population ages to not find drug users in both meetings, and alcohol abusers in both meetings.</p>
<p>I can say that after decades in recovery, since I was this woman’s sons age, in fact, that AA has more wisdom and young people’s meetings are of a great benefit, but that NA has a lot to offer, too. </p>
<p>Other than that, please get to al-anon. Your main concern will be al-anon. It will be up to your son to find his way in his programs. If you take responsibility for that part, then he won’t have to. Nothing is more important than that an addict or alcoholic take responsibility for themselves. Once they do that, they can have an amazing life. Truly.</p>
<p>Isn’t the premise something like: 1) to accept the things that can’t be changed, 2) to change the things that can and 3) the courage to know the difference.</p>
<p>While pot smoking is a different drug from alcohol, I have heard it’s still their addictive qualities that are common in both. That’s why it helps to go to these meetings.</p>
<p>There are many different types of therapists you might want to become educated about. One relates to addictions. (manipulative, dishonest, self-medicating)…Another relates to helping the client understand and cope with depression (biological? vitamin D deficiency, etc.) and there’s another called Cognitive Behavior Therapists who work on helping clients understand their role in continuing or changing the problem. I suggest you explore all three, just in case you’re up again at night and worrying.</p>
<p>OP, a good treatment center or therapist will help you address both the drug use and the depression concurrently. Both of these issues were addressed during my son’s very recent treatment.</p>
<p>I react very negatively to suggestions of “tough love” for a person suffering from depression. Defining depression as a character failure rather than the illness it is prevents many people from getting help that might turn their life around. </p>
<p>This doesn’t mean that the depressed person doesn’t need to put some personal effort into getting better. But those who have not been there evidently cannot imagine how excruciatingly difficult it can be to get to the point of being ABLE to. If someone was suffering from some other condition in which the body’s systems aren’t working properly, one wouldn’t tell them “Snap out of it or I’m throwing you out of the house. After all, <em>I</em> don’t have [insert condition here], so clearly that fact that you do is your own fault and you could just stop having it if you had more will power.”</p>
<p>BTW, I agree with those who said that it seems that some kind of residential treatment program is needed now.</p>
<p>Yes, please don’t throw your son out now. That would be the worst possible thing. I really meant to mention that earlier. He needs a safe place to be. 100% support for Consolation’s viewpoint.</p>
<p>I think most people here would recommend residential treatment, as a good residential treatment facility will put together a depression/anxiety treatment as well as recommendations for future sobriety maintenance. It is a benefit of treatment to have this all done at one place by professionals.</p>
<p>The genetic discoveries linking depression and addiction are very strong…most of the so far discoverd genes for these two illnesses are found in the same place…usually near one another, which is interesting, though nobody is sure 100% what that means. </p>
<p>Clearly there is a link between depression and addiction: [Marijuana</a> use may be harmful to mental health—The Family Health Guide](<a href=“http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/updates/update0503c.shtml]Marijuana”>http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/updates/update0503c.shtml)</p>
<p>Both will be treated by an ethical professional.</p>
<p>ETA: most addicts/alcoholics will have some form of depression or anxiety, but not all people with depression or anxiety issues are addicts. If the addiction is not treated, the other cannot be accessed by a therapist. It’s just true.</p>
<p>Ultimately, a person goes to al-anon to take care of themselves, to learn how to deal with the addict/alcoholic, and to be able to live their own lives successfully with an addict in the family (not saying your son is an addict, just explaining the principle). One of the first things you learn is that you are powerless over another person’s addiction. </p>
<p>I don’t know a lot about depression, but I do know that addiction to anything and dealing with it as an addict or as a loved one of an addict is supremely frustrating and mysterious. I do know that you can be there for the addict in spome ways but you can’t force them into treatment. You don’t want them to bring you down with them. It just won’t work unless they want it, and a lot of the time it doesn’t work even if they do.</p>
<p>The main reason for tough love is to avoid enabling the addict and allow them to find bottom. THe hope is that they will reach out for themselves at that time. But this is an extremely difficult one, since as people have said there can be underlying medical issues. </p>
<p>In my case I don’t know what it was that compelled me into recovery 25 years ago. I certainly hit many bottoms before I did. I attribute it to divine intervention because there is really no logical explanation.</p>
<p>Anyway, prayers and best wishes to you. But remember not to forget to take care of yourself, the only person you can ultimately really control. That’s what al-anon is for, and maybe therapy.</p>
<p>"Both will be treated by an ethical professional. " </p>
<p>and</p>
<p>Both “depression” and “addiction” are “illnesses”. Neither are “character flaws.”</p>
<p>The OP needs to take care of herself also. She has a marriage and other kids to consider (and perhaps a job) and it would be good to have someone that can help her keep from imploding. If the last couple decades have been focused on the kids her husband may not be able to understand what she’s going through and it sounds like he is also handling an extended family crisis. Not to diminish the son, but the OP can’t forget herself. I’ve seen friends completely implode because they are running in circles trying to manage/control crises of some sort with husbands, kids, etc. without stopping to self examine what is and isn’t within their control. Take care of yourself, too, OP.</p>
<p>Consolation and sabaray, you mean well. However, “tough love” and “throwing the kid out” can be the best thing for this young man. I do know of what I speak, by experience.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to the OP. VERY much so.</p>
<p>The mental illness (depression) and addiction (pot) are all intertwined right now. At this point it’s not possible to determine which came first, ie, self-medicating due to the depression, or depression as a result of pot use/addiction. At this point, it doesn’t really matter. OP, please PM me if you want details:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>He can not be in your house. You are, in fact, helping him stay ill, helping him use (and sell?) drugs by giving him shelter in the family home. He loses nothing by continuing his self-destructive path. He has to want to be well. What you want to do is force (coerce) him to choose to be well. This is done by:</p></li>
<li><p>Intervention. Yes, you’ve heard of this for addicts, but for mental illness? Yes. The sad thing about mental illness is that we can not force someone to accept a diagnosis, or to take life-saving meds. I repeat, life-saving meds. The suicide rate for depression in young men is astonishingly high. So this IS an emergency. You need a professional interventionist who is familiar with dual-diagnosis, ie, addiction combined with mental illness. We don’t know yet whether or not this boy has a dual diagnosis, no way to tell until he’s off the pot. Until he stops using pot, no drugs can properly work. What he does need is a sort of reprogramming of his mind, with therapy and drugs. Full-time, residential care. The intervention will basically give your son only two choices: “agree to check into this residential program or you are on your own completely–you may not live at our house, not at Grandma’s nor at Aunt Sally’s. We love you and support you in getting well. If you are not in treatment we cannot support you at all.” This (hopefully) will be the most difficult day of your life…unless at some point you have to hospitalize him in the psych ward against his will, or visit him in jail, or, God forbid, bury him. Am I trying to shock you? In a way, yes. </p></li>
<li><p>Residential treatment will be a minimum of 30 days, and expensive. Did you put aside $ for his college education? Use it. Now, for his treatment. After the 30 days, he will NOT be ready to come and live at home. He will need to stay in a sober living home where he will be drug tested and required to participate in group therapy. If the AA/NA model doesn’t work for him or you, look up SMART recovery (based on cognitive behavioral therapy.) The other clients in group therapy will be very good at getting past his BS and deceptions.</p></li>
<li><p>Taking care of yourself and your marriage and your other children is of utmost importance. You can do this, and you must.</p></li>
<li><p>Contact NAMI and DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) in your area. They will help you and your son.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Wipedoutmom, if you can be strong enough to be this tough, there WILL be a happy ending, for sure. Things will likely get worse before they get better, but they will get better. My prayers and best wishes go out to you and your family.</p>