Problems with daughter

Parents Forum
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<p>My son, who is a good steady student who dots all of the i’s and crosses all of the t’s had some trouble juggling his schedule freshman year. He was so stressed out and had so much trouble with the 15 credits he took first term, that I insisted he take only 12 the next term and focus on getting good grades. It was a good thing that he did. He took a job since he figured he’d have the time, and then several disaster hit him in a row. One of the courses was very difficult for him and another terribly time consuming with the difficult one having little support. He quit the job and had to really focus on doing well in class. Some medical and other issues did not help. Then the school had some issues that affected all students, but especially those already trying to get some extra help. THat he had only 4 courses, with one an easy one made all of the difference in the world. He was able to not only get through, but do well. He readily admits another course would have tipped the balance. He is taking a summer course at our local state school that will make up that one class he should have taken. Worth every bit of the money to to do this, and he is paying for it out of summer wages.</p>

<p>But you can’t tell kids things sometimes and have them listen. I had told him to take 12 credits in the fall and he did not. Two classes he enjoyed turned out to require major papers with the entire grade hinging on them and the other 3 courses were very difficult. He had to tough it out and that was why he reduced his loan in the spring. His grades did take a hit for that in the fall. He still could have just as easily loaded up in the spring–he’s an adult and it’s his call. There are consequences for them when they do things like that and thals the only way some of them learn. Some don’t even learn that way and then you just have to remove yourself from those situations and make a space for yourself in their lives that keeps you out of the emotional arena as much as possible.</p>

<p>But to directly answer a question, yes, 16 credits is a lot, too much for someone already struggling with the subject matter. Usually 15 credits it the load needed to graduate in 4 years. But sometimes it is wise to start out slowly and take the courses later and even take extra time to graduate. Better than bombing out at the starting line.</p>

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<p>Summers are usually done with several short/condensed sessions (often 5 weeks or 8 weeks each). Some students really like that, since there is less multiplexing required. Perhaps OP’s D is looking at 2 classes at a time… that may be too much in condensed format.</p>

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<p>2 classes per summer session is usually equivalent to a typical full course load during a regular semester so it is doable. Unfortunately, 16 credits would mean she’d need to take slightly more than 3 courses in one of the two sessions if this was taking place at Columbia U or 4 courses in one 12 week session at Harvard. </p>

<p>Either scenario would be far too much for most students…even those who are above-average-top students. </p>

<p>One older classmate* did 12 credits at Harvard and almost had a nervous breakdown despite having graduated with an Abitur from a respectable Gymnasium and having already been admitted to Oxbridge. I was taking 8 credits that summer and felt comfortable…but unlike him…I had two successful years of undergrad under my belt at that point.</p>

<ul>
<li>Was older because he had to complete his country’s mandated military/public service obligation for all German citizens.</li>
</ul>

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<p>I have not read all the thread, but on skimming have a few thoughts:</p>

<p>She may have some issue-depression, ADD, etc. Or she may simply be over-faced. Ask the academic advisor (hypotherically) if a student in crisis could withdraw from the term & school on medical leave. Just void this entire semester and take a year off to regroup? I personally know students who have done this and the breather gave them time to get their act together and have success. otherwise she is in such a deep hole she simply cannot find her way out.</p>

<p>I, too, think the roommate call is a red flag, you just don’t see kids calling other kid’s parents unless things are way out of line.</p>

<p>If that is not an option and she has to take more classes, would she be allowed to live at home (for free) and take the units at her local 4 year? Or live with Mom for free to take the units at big shot University?</p>

<p>If the $9k must be paid why don’t you have her take Stafford loans (fund some for 2011-12 and some for 2012-13 to pay for summer (unless you already used that)</p>

<p>If you can get her to take a year off, then she could start back at age 24 and maybe get more grants, too?</p>

<p>If saving face is so important, she does not have to say she couldn’t hack engineering, she can tell people she hated it (which is likely true about now.) The bigger concern is why she cares so much about impressing others, to me, I read this as insecurity and not truly knowing who she is and what makes her happy.</p>

<p>Maybe I would love to be a singer, but if I cannot carry a tune, why would any one encourage me to keep trying. Perhaps she should be less concerned with what society is telling her she ought to do in order to be a success and figure out instead what she loves doing? Sometimes I think self-esteem is derived from self-knowing and self-acceptance, if she could figure out what really makes her tick and follow that, she will be successful. I have seen plenty of gorgeous, sporty, funny, etc girls who just did not see that about themselves until they grew up.</p>

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<p>I have not read all the thread either, OP, but my heart goes out to your daughter. I majored in something that everybody told me was right for me, and, people pleaser that I was, I stayed in it despite a lot of red flags. I got a job in the field right after graduation and it was an unmitigated disaster. The suggestion that your daughter see a counselor and her dean was a good one. Hopefully she’ll be able to discern what she really wants and be able to go forward from there.</p>