Rate my NHS essay!!!

Q:You may choose to answer one of the following quotations and interpret its meaning as it relates to your interest in the National Honor Society. In addition, explain how you have demonstrated this characteristic in one of the following ways: your personal life, an academic environment, or in extracurricular activities. Your response should be placed in the space provided below. Your essay should not exceed 350 words and must be in your original words. “The hardest obstacle to overcome in any leadership position is getting past the apathy to get people involved in the process to get things done…The greatest enemy to accomplishment is apathy.”-Nyron Burke, age 17

A:“The hardest obstacle to overcome in any leadership position is getting past the apathy to get people involved in the process to get things done…The greatest enemy to accomplishment is apathy” (Burke). National Honor Society upholds its members to have 4 important values. These being scholarship, character, leadership, and service. Leadership, in my opinion, is a very important aspect in National Honors Society because you are expected to be a role model by positively inspiring people around you. This quote stuck out because it says that inspiring people is a way to overcome obstacles in leadership. If you inspire people and make them get rid of their apathy, you can overcome stalling in the process and reach accomplishment.
I believe that I showed this through my leadership position at Bennett’s Creek Little League. Children can be really difficult to keep focused. However, you can keep their attention by relating the game to them personally. I had to make sure that they knew when it was their turn to bat and that they were paying attention to thier teammates. Children feel happiness when they get praised, so having your teammates cheer you on is a way to inspire them. You get all the kids excited to bat while at the same time paying attention to the game. I converted their apathy into enthusiasm.
Another way that I have shown this characteristic is through vacation bible school, which I participate in every year. The age groups that I have previously been with have varied, but last year I was a leader of young children. They can be very hard to manage if you do not get them interested in their task and past their apathy. By making their crafts exciting, they enjoyed doing them more. After we finished crafts we would go into the sanctuary to sing and dance to music. By making the songs fun and relatable to them, they got to enjoy the experience and learn something from it. These are some of the ways to beat “the greatest enemy of accomplishment”. You make the experience fun and relatable.

I might shorten the preamble and put more discussion into your examples.