<p>As another parent, I agree that it is YOUR mail. It was really hard having to sit on your hands, but my overall relationship with my kids is more important that having to wait a few hours. This process was a year ago for me-- and I still feel bad about one thing that happened.. my H. told me, as I was driving home, that our s. "had something to tell you". He (hubby) wouldn't say a word. Well, being the time of year it was, it wasn't too hard to figure out what it was about. When I got home, my s. was in the basement on the computer. This big envelope (from his safety school) was propped up on the kitchen table. The outside of the envelope said "admissions materials enclosed" on one side, and "congratulations! you are a [name of school mascot]" on the other .The envelope was an 8 1/2 x 11 with that gummy/resealable enclosure. So, I opened it and took a look. Then, when I yelled "congratulations" down the stairs, my s. came up. He saw that I was looking at the stuff and he said " I hadn't opened it yet mom.. I was waiting for you to get home". My heart sank. I felt TERRIBLE (and still do). He said it was o.k, but I didn't feel that it was. So, when the info from his ED choice came a few days later, it came first in the form of an email entitled "admissions status changed". He came upstairs, informed me that he'd received this email, but didn't open it- he wanted to open it together. So he sat down at my computer next to me and opened the email. It was a wonderful experience! He was obviously the one with all the willpower. I then went into the next room and pulled out the school t-shirt, hat and car decal that I'd ordered for him from the college store (I was optimistic). It was a very memorable experience. I wish that one on all of you-- definitely not the first one. And parents-- don't worry- your child will get so many credit card offers in the mail after he/she goes off to school, you'll have plenty of their mail to read! And by the way, when the "official" big envelope came.. he opened it.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>That's a good solution: maybe your mom should bring the letter to you at school to open.<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>This approach can be great - if it's a big envelope. I remember in last year's EA notification time one of the CC parents (can't remember which) did this for their daughter. And when she read the acceptance between classes at school, her friends picked her up and carried her up and down the halls on their shoulders like a victorious football coach, chanting the name of the college as they went. I thought that was a great scene.</p>
<p>Hmmm....I disagree that that was such a great thing to happen. For every kid who is ecstatic about his or her decision, there are more who are devastated. I think that bringing the letter to school is insensitive to others and narcissistic on the part of the parents.</p>
<p>Funny, this same issue came up here last year too. Talk about overinvolved parents (another thread here, which could certainly be combined with this one!). It is the student's record, the student's effort, the student's mail. Geez. These poor kids must be SOOOO glad they are about to leave home and get away from overly prying parents.</p>
<p>Patient:</p>
<p>I also worry about students who receive rejection or deferral letters and have to witness the joy of others who are accepted and feted.</p>
<p>As for opening my S's letter, I just asked him at dinner, after reading this thread, and he said he did not mind one way or the other. As a matter of fact, both my Ss need serious reminders to open their mail! They seem to think I'm their secretary/ laundress/ cook.</p>
<p>Marite-
I have mixed feelings about the taking-the-envelope-to-school thing. That could be a bit over-the-top, and my kids (boys) would be mortified if I showed up at school, regardless of the reason. However, the image of the comeraderie of friends hoisting a girl to celebrate is pleasant...
And while we parents, unfortunately, have served in the secretary, chef, maid and chauffeur capacities, do you <em>really</em> think you're going to have to remind your son to open a college admissions letter?? That's like not bothering to open birthday or holiday gifts... I kinda think there's a <em>bit</em> of an incentive there... :). Wait- here's an idea- maybe we can make the decision whether or not to pry into their mail contingent upon their cleaning their rooms, making their beds etc... Avoidance of those negative consequences....
Oh, and as an aside, in my earlier post I may have been unclear-- I consider the letters the STUDENTS mail, not the parents.</p>
<p>it may be a good exercise to think about how we would feel if we received some important information and someone else in the family opened it for us....</p>
<p>Also, I can't even imagine if my son had to open a rejection letter at school-- horrors...</p>
<p>I agree opening a rejection letter at school would be tough. And it is important to be considerate of other students who might be hearing different news. In this day of cell phones, maybe a parent could leave a message for a student if there is a large envelope sitting at home; then again, finding out a few hours later is OK too! I think it is up to the student to decide how they want to handle it - the decision is for the kid.</p>
<p>I just remember sitting in math class, early May senior year. The principal's secretary knocked on the door and asked to speak to one student in the class. He walked out, looking a little anxious. A few seconds later we all heard the whoop of glee - he had been accepted off of Harvard's wait list. </p>
<p>He didn't come back to math class.</p>
<p>I have a very good friend that has a highschool senior. This child has told her mother to please open her letters when they arrive. My daughter on the other hand, has informed me not to touch her letters! I do know my daughter's pass codes for each school's website she has applied to; but she does not want me to check if admission status is posted online. Will I do it anyway? Yes, but I won't tell her I've checked! I knew her SAT scores before her, but let her check herself when she got home. </p>
<p>As far as the letters go, I do not open my children's mail. My daughter will let me ready the letters after she is finished. The websites I don't feel bad looking at. My daughter can get quite upset and I want to be prepared!</p>
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<blockquote> <p>Oh, and as an aside, in my earlier post I may have been unclear-- I consider the letters the STUDENTS mail, not the parents.>></p> </blockquote>
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<p>Of course, it is. I was just curious what my S felt on the subject of this thread since some students really felt very strongly about it, and he said he did not care one way or the other. Just a different personality.</p>
<p>I would not be taking any mail to school, either. Not because it would embarass my S (it probably would), but because I think it would be better for him to read the decision in private. While I think it's wonderful that friends share in the joy of successful applicants, I have to wonder at the reaction of those who were not so successful.
My S tells me that 19 students from his high school have applied early to Harvard. I cannot imagine that all will get in (I think a total of 9 got in last year from both EA and RD). But all will learn at the same time. Personally, I hope they are at home when that happens. At least it will give the unsuccessful students time to lick their wound when it is rawest in private.</p>
<p>I think that is my mother's reasoning--she doesn't think I'll be accepted and wants to prepare me.</p>
<p>We have agreed that she can bring the letter to me when she picks me up from school. Besides, our mail is very unpredictable. It will arrive at 2pm one day and 5pm the next! </p>
<p>I wish all schools will just email notification, although I've heard that my ED school gives out phone calls. Of course that made me even more nervous because every day that ends without a phone call I get even more anxious and pessimistic!</p>
<p>I want to thank everyone who has responded to me, I never expected this thread to get so much attention :).</p>
<p>We had this discussion last spring because our son was away in Canada on a class field trip March 31st, April 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Acceptances via snail mail all came in large envelopes, no "need" to open, evident he was accepted. The first choice school made the decisions available via e-mail. He was not expecting to have email access on the trip. So, he changed the password to his account just before he left, wrote it on a scrap of paper and sealed it in an envelope to be opened only after 5pm on April 1st. I laughed as soon as I saw his new password "bad idea"; even remotely he was making fun of our "need" to know. It turned out he had access and called us shortly after we had logged on to get what turned out to be excellent news. </p>
<p>As hard as it is for kids to understand why parents care about this phase of their lives....it is just as hard for us to understand our own compulsion. One of my favorite expressions is "to have a child is to forever have your heart walk around outside your body." Perhaps part of wanting to know what options our kids will have is so we can begin to be supportive of the choices they will have? Prepare ourselves for our own responses to the inquiries that are imminent? </p>
<p>The mail is addressed to the child....it is theirs to open and theirs to delegate the right to open. I was not above lobbying for delegation...."tuition = 38,000 reasons I should be allowed to know." Our son did log on to receive his SAT II scores....that was done alone in a room which we encouraged and respected. Rejection or disappointing scores are like body blows that one has to brace for is how I think of it. We were nearby to support or join his celebration as appropriate. </p>
<p>We survived it all...and we will always have spring 04 to laugh about.</p>
<p>Uh oh-- I think in my attempt to clear up what I was concerned could be read wrong,I made it worse. Sorry if that happened, Marite.
Last year, when my s. opened his email, I suggested he call the other kid who applied ED to the same school to let him know that the info was just posted on the website. Turns out the kid was at a hockey game downtown and begged my s. to open his email for him. After 3 rounds of "are you sure?" he repeated his password to my s. and said he couldn't wait. Well, he was deferred (and to make it worse, he was hoping to get into one of the combined undergrad/med school programs which would only consider him if he was accepted ED to the undergrad, so it was a double whammy). That felt so awful, and awkward. He thought my s. was yanking his chain, just teasing him. We both felt so bad, and it quickly deflated my s's excitement. So, all in all, I think private moments should be private moments..</p>
<p>The student should open the letters at home. Period. </p>
<p>We really tried to adopt a cool approach to the letters. Don't get too excited about them before they're open. After - if kid is accepted - you can go crazy. But there's no point in building up the drama ahead of time - could send a message that the school's decision has more meaning than it does and give more power to a rejection if that's what's inside.</p>
<p>I like Topcat's approach, and we just naturally fell into it with our other kids. We do not open our children's mail without talking to them first about it and a college admissions letter is not that important. I would consider certain exceptions but I just don;t see the big deal about the college letter. There are not consequences for opening it later that day or even the next day. If there was some urgent legal looking thing or something else very unusual and the kid is away for a while, I would get concerned, call him and lobby for opening it. And as a result, there has never been a huge drama about the decision letters. My son had 17 of them and with all the types of college mail that he got before and during the app process, the decisions kind of melded into them. It was not a big deal until the kids opened the envelope and communicated the contents. With some of the kids, it could just as easily be another request for info, or clarification of info letter--they received so many of those.</p>
<p>Both my kids had unusual moments opening their letters from Michigan (my and H's alma mater, and both of their second choice schools). Since it's rolling, there's no guessing when it would come. D's came in March (we didn't know then you were supposed to apply early to get the best chance of getting in.) It came, and it was kinda thick, but they use this weird, vertical envelope which looks more like junk mail). She was at band practice that day, so when she called for a ride, I told her this odd letter came from Michigan; should I bring it? She said yes, I pulled up outside the bandroom hall door; she came to the car, opened it, found she'd been accepted, whooped, then it turned out the whole band, including band director, were at the door waiting to congratulate her! Nice moment.</p>
<p>Four years later, it's October. Now CC-educated, S had applied to Mich very early. He brought the mail in, didn't notice the odd-shaped (vertical) envelope from Mich in the middle of it. Later that night, I spotted it, called him down (I recognized it), said this "might" not be junk mail. He opened it, same whooping as four years before.. It was particularly fun, as he became known as the first kid in the HS to get an acceptance.</p>
<p>Fun both times...but ultimately, they both turned it down???!!!! H and I don't know where we went wrong. :)</p>
<p>Jym:</p>
<p>No problem. I so agree with you about the need for privacy. I am particularly concerned about avoiding the type of scenario you describe.</p>
<p>I really hate to see anything that takes the process out of the hands of the student and makes this all about a parent. It isn't the parent's acceptance letter.</p>
<p>This is the moment for them to tell us of their great news, not for us to take the moment away from them for our own selfish wants. And how exciting a time this is for them. Who would want to deny them any of the pleasure after all of their wonderful work?</p>
<p>Sometimes the tables turn. When my nephew got the ED letter from the Ivy he applied to, he called his parents at work before opening it. He asked them to come directly home from work without any stops. While waiting, he spoke to his friend who had already opened his acceptance letter to the same school, and ascertained exactly what the envelope looked like. When his parents got home, his mom took out the video camera and ceremoniously taped the Opening of the Envelope. Needless to say, the email I received shortly afterward was a joyous one.</p>
<p>theotherside-
Well said-- succinct and to the point. That said, the arrival of the admissions letters is a very symbolic transition time-- the virtual cutting of the cord as it were-- much harder for the parent than the child as we begin to say goodbye to our kids. They are excited, we are melancholy... This does not mean that we should open their mail.. just that we as parents should do a little personal check-in of our own needs and feelings, and not get them confused with those of our kids. I do try to stay out of my s's mail... except for a few magazines that seem to have <em>accidentally</em> graced our doorstep that I try to deflect. Unfortunately, my 14 yr old s. often gets to the mail before I do.....</p>
<p>Last comment for the night-- I am sure we were all deluged with tons and tons of college literature over the past few years. There was so much that much of it remained unopened. I'd ask if I cound open it before it hit the trashcan or the reject pile. A lot were very flattering letters with offers of lots of $$$$ (he was a national merit finalist). I'd ask him if he would at least look at some of it - which usually he didn't. So, I could enjoy the flattery showered upon him, and take pride in the fact that I have a pretty good kid. I enjoyed that. He enjoyed taking the large pile of college stuff that mounted in the house and tossing it all up in the air after he got his ED acceptance. It made for a great picture.</p>
<p>theotherside and others, I agree. </p>
<p>I also don't really understand the rationale that because a parent is paying tuition, that somehow gives rights to control scenarios, be the first to know, open mail, or anything else like that. I go back to the beginning of our experience as parents. I think that when we decide to have children, we make a commitment to support them into independent adulthood to the best of our ability. I think that is our responsibility as parents. I do not think that paying tuition according to our ability, should confer on us any special privileges--it is just part of our job as parents. And although I don't disagree with jamimom that in the grand scheme of things a college acceptance is nothing like life or death, to the kids it is still a very significant event, a source of either great joy or sadness that they should be given the right to control and experience as they choose to experience it.</p>