Reasonable worry or overtight apron strings?

Parent Cafe
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<p>My D1 is notoriously horrible about checking in, just too busy with life to think about that stuff. Since she went to university at 17, our name is on her checking account and when I was filled with worry and had not heard from her, I would log onto the bank accounts and see whether she had used her debit card. I knew her general purchases and would see she was alive…I think I would have recognised odd purchases if she had been mugged and robbed. It sounds about helicopterish in retrospect, but I calmed my fears and she never had to know. She was almost 1500 miles away so I don’t feel guilty at being worried.</p>

<p>Interestingly, she did end up having a problem, being seriously stalked by a guy later in school , so sometimes are fears are grounded in reality.</p>

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<p>Daily phone calls from college are unwarranted and unhelpful. there was a post from a college professor who said that moms are interupting intellectual discussions with incessant cell phone calls “just to chat”. Moms are ruining the college experience because they cannot make the transition to Empty Nest.</p>

<p>Yes, you are too involved. </p>

<p>How are you going to cope when she goes abroad for three months?</p>

<p>Let go. My mother never let go of my brothers and they are still infants in so many ways.</p>

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<p>My son leaves in 6 days, but he was away all summer so I know what to expect (sorta)</p>

<p>If the phone rings then
a) he is sick
b) something was stolen
c) something was broken
d) he needs something</p>

<p>Are you seeing the trend here?</p>

<p>I need to go reread that thread from last year, “we miss him, does he miss us”…</p>

<p>Of course, with a son I don’t expect lots of details, and in reality I’m happy to hear from him for whatever reason he calls. Just the fact that he called me on his own (without me texting him to call home) is a rush.</p>

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<p>Cheers - I don’t speak to my daughter close to daily at college but I spoke to her much more often when she was ABROAD this summer. At college, she is too busy to chat at length, between studying, activities, and social life. (In the interest of full disclosure, I was ready to wring her neck at the end of the year because she was “too busy” to let us know which day she wanted us to pick her up and help her move out of her room!) She was in Taiwan this summer and I could call her from my cell for 8 cents per minute. She would call us from her (expensive) landline phone where she was staying and let hit ring twice and hang up as a signal for us to call her back. With the 12 hour time difference, we would often speak in the morning and it would be evening for her. It was not a matter of her being homesick or having any problems or needing help - she simply had time to chat and wanted to tell us about her adventures, which were numerous and very interesting. I was very happy that she had a little more time to talk than during the school year, and to hear about her fascinating experiences in Taiwan. Just because people talk often to their kids doesn’t necessarily mean they are fostering dependency.</p>

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<p>I am not a fan of calling plans–as in, “call me when you get home form X” or “call me every Thursday night”–because if something comes up or the student forgets, the other person goes into panic mode unnecessarily. No news is good news. I suggest dropping the call schedule if you’re apt to get stressed out if she forgets or doesn’t call for some benign reason. Remember, if a friend or roommate knows that something is seriously wrong, they will be able to contact you, either by looking through your daughter’s phone, searching online, looking at facebook, or going to higher-ups at the school. It’s not hard to find a phone number these days. A simple online search with last name and town is usually sufficient. </p>

<p>Cheers, my mother and I email daily or almost daily. It takes thirty seconds. She is not at all over-involved or a helicopter parent (and has never been called one). I email just as frequently with one of my siblings. It’s keeping in touch, being involved in each other’s lives, caring, and staying up to date on news in my hometown. It’s only a problem if the conversations are of a dependent nature. Even if communication is daily, it may be perfectly healthy. </p>

<p>Also, I remember the post you mentioned. If I remember correctly, the professor did not say that parents were calling students. I actually had the impression that students were making the calls. I don’t think the differentiation was made either way, but since it’s directly after class, it makes sense that the student would initiate the call. Two more things: 1) I don’t believe this was limited to parents’ calls and 2) I don’t think he was saying the calls interrupted actual intellectual conversation. He believed that calls (of any sort) interrupted potential intellectual conversations that he remembers happening in the past; these calls did not actually interrupt intellectual conversations. (At my school, students tend to talk about the class until everyone splits to go in their own directions. While walking to the dorm/coffee shop/dining hall/library/other class alone, people make phone calls. It’s pretty efficient. Of course, at that poster’s school, habits may be different.)</p>

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<p>Everyone has a different relationship with their college age students. In our case, we are very close friends. She frequently drops me a line as she walks between classes to share her day and I am only too happy to listen. She is also a very independent individual. I do not micromanage her life. We just happen to really like each other’s company. I guess, especially after listening to some other peoples views, we are just very very fortunate. Last night’s panic was due to many previously stated factors (new apartment, parking in strange lot at night, said she would call etc…).</p>

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<p>seiclan, sounds like your relationship is much like ours and I would have worried too. I expect my husband to call and tell me he’s in safely when he travels and the kids do it most of the time, especially when traveling by themselves.</p>

<p>I talk to my 3 most every day. One is out of school, has purchased a house and very independent, but usually calls every day or two just to say “hi” and relate any new happenings in his life. The other 2 are still in school, but usually give a quick ring between classes or during some other down time. Usually all calls are initiated by them as my life is more mundane and I’m easier to reach. However, there are those calls like I received on Fri that d. had wrecked her car (in her own parking garage if you can believe it) and she couldn’t find a wrecker that was low enough to make it in the entrance. She needed help from our local agent so called me to help out. So sometimes the calls are for advice and help but most of the time just to chat and share.</p>

<p>BTW Packmom, can your son hang curtain rods? D. is in Raleigh and she says she can’t figure out how to do it, lol.</p>

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<p>D is just over 2 hours away from home. I would love to here from her daily. I have established the following ground rules. She is to call her grandmother at least twice a week at different times of the day. She is to call he dad at least once a week and his opinion on something electronic or computer. I told her that I would love to hear from her any time of the day or night with a question or just to chat. I told her that calling her grandmother and her father would suffice., That is important to me that they are taken care of. I know if she has questions about classes or finances she will call me and together we will take care of it.</p>

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<p>I think the fact that you are aware of where this is coming from means that you’re quite sane and “normal.” </p>

<p>You’re not writing to defend what you did and asking us to take your side. You recognize that these are emotions and feelings and sometimes you can’t just turn them on and off. Recognizing this is what is most telling. You’re trying to be honest with yourself and if you have to take some form of action to keep those feelings from disrupting your day, that’s just coping.</p>

<p>Note that this isn’t about how you feel…but how you act on those feelings. You are rightly focused on the fact that you acted on the fear you felt. That’s the point where you worry about crossing a line.</p>

<p>If you call every now and then and your daughter is truly okay with humoring you, it’s not a problem (as long as it doesn’t escalate). But if you can find some other coping mechanism to get past those feelings that would be better. Maybe you can call on one of your friends instead of always reaching out to your daughter. Maybe there’s a favorite CD you can listen to when the “Where’s D now?” panics strike. At the risk of being presumptuous, perhaps you could pick up the phone and, instead of calling your daughter, call your husband at work to ask him out on a “date” after work so you have that to look forward to instead of worrying about daughter.</p>

<p>Try those sorts of release valves and then you can cut down the “call daughter” (or daughter’s friends) release valve to 1/3. Invite your D to call you to help you out (and help reduce your calls to her) so that the calls, as much as possible, take place at her convenience.</p>

<p>No, it’s not rational to be overcome with fear when you don’t hear from a child at college. But it’s quite normal. And sane. You can’t help feel how you feel, so try to settle on mechanisms that will allow you to cope better, without becoming an imposition or transforming the burden of your feelings into problems that other people have to shoulder. </p>

<p>When the urge to take action overtakes you, have a list of alternative actions on hand. If you must share your fears (and your burden), try to spread it out. Better still, instead of sharing your burdens, create welcome opportunities. </p>

<p>If your garden gets extra attention, nobody will mind that you’re worried. If your husband gets to enjoy your company in a quiet restaurant a little more often, he won’t mind that you’re worried. Among my neighbors, this sort of nervous energy has started a successful fudge shop at the mall!</p>

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<p>I love text messaging, it works great for us, we can communicate, but not have long conversations, especially when Ds are traveling</p>

<p>Traveling warrants being worried, it just does= cars break, flights are cancelled, etc</p>

<p>WHen my D, 16, was at aprogram in NYC, we “talked” daily, I would text her with Fun? and she would text back YEP XOXO or something like that</p>

<p>They know as a mom, one who sent her Ds off on many adventures, that for me, having that 20 second text message exchange is for ME, and it is something that is so minimal to them, but means so much to me</p>

<p>As my D heads off to college, I know I won’t get those texts as much anymore, but that is as it should be, however, we have agreed to Sunday Instant Messaging, I sign on and if she can, woo hoo, if not, its okay</p>

<p>But I totally undestand the OP- it that driving thing, and the D was probably telling her roommates, well, that’s my crazy mom!!! Gotta love her!!</p>

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<p>^Gotta totally agree with you CGM. Texting is great in that it is far less intrusive. My children are always willing to give a quick answer even if it is “I’m busy, quit bugging me mom,” LOL!</p>