<p>Last night I had a parental panic attack for about an hour, until I finally got in touch with my sophomore daughter. She left home on Saturday (drove herself the 4 1/2 hours to campus) and is rushing a sorority at her school. This year she had moved into an off campus apartment with all new roommates (who she had never met since she did the apartment complex's roommate matching service). She is the kind of kid who called me daily last year from her cell phone to "just chat". We are very close. She had called me with rush updates during her break and told me that she would call me after the evenings parties were done (about 8 pm). She never called. I was fine until about 9:30 when parental panic set in. I could not help but think the worst. She had to park her car in a remote lot off campus to take a sorority shuttle bus to the activities. What if ? I reluctantly called her cell phone and it went to voicemail. Over the next hour I tried multiple times to call the cell with no response (I also texted her to please call and check in). By 10:20 pm I was a wreck. I realized that I had no way of knowing if she was in danger or just not checking her cell. There is no land line hooked up in her apartment (since everyone says it isn't needed due to cell phones). But who could I call to check on her? I don't know any of her college friends or roommates! Finally, I did what I thought was the least intrusive (as opposed to calling the college town's police to knock on her door), I went on her facebook page (I have never, ever logged onto her personal stuff before but she had given me her password a week or two ago)to look for the cell phone number of one of her roommates (since they had facebooked each other before the move in). Bingo, I found the cell number of one of the girls and called it. Well, D was happily sitting and chatting with her new roommates in their living room. Her cell phone had "died" from a low battery earlier that evening and she had forgotten to plug it in when she got home. She was very apologetic about not checking in and was not in any way annoyed that I had accessed the facebook to find her roommates number but I am left with all sorts of "mother of an adult child issues". I never checked in with my parents that often in college....maybe once a week for my requisite 3 minutes. However, all I could think about last night was "what if" and "who would know" and that we have no contingencies in place for the unthinkable. Am I over the top with this? I should probably mention that I had just being reading on CC that day about the college student murders that had taken place in her neighborhood 17 years ago!<br>
When your child lives off campus, in a town 300 miles away, what should be the emergency plan? When she lived on campus last year, I felt safe with the campus security system and she had a landline phone in her dorm room. Now what? What do you other parents do?</p>
<p>I have several phone numbers of my son’s friends. I don’t plan on calling them, unless there is some kind of emergency, but it makes me feel better to know they are there.</p>
<p>My son’s school doesn’t start for a couple days yet (although we moved both him and younger son in this past weekend), and today he and his little brother decided to drive to the beach and do some surfing. Yesterday, he called to tell me that the waves were projected to be something like 7 feet today! I’m freaking out here. I told him to call me as soon as they are done surfing and let me know they “survived”. Is that over the top or what?</p>
<p>I’m about to get onto the surf sites and see if what he was saying about the waves is really true. (Helicopter blades whirring…)</p>
<p>My son and I have an unspoken rule. He keeps his phone charged at all times. If he sees I called, he calls back as soon as convenient. Usually when I’ve called him he does NOT pick up, but he will always call back within a few hours.</p>
<p>Overtight apron strings. Cell phone batteries die…they get forgotten at their apt., dorm. It happens.</p>
<p>Although I say this as I’ve just dropped off my oldest, a big strapping young lad. Not many worries. </p>
<p>With DD (2 years away) I figure I will have every one of her friends, neighbors, cell numbers and ready to hit the panic button</p>
<p>The mantra is: no news is good news.
60 years ago my father in law moved from Egypt to the US to attend university. He did not see his parents for 2 years and he spoke with them 4 times during that time frame. How did his parents cope??</p>
<p>You are not overworried, you are modern-day-worried.</p>
<p>seiclan - I would have felt exactly the same way as you! Fortunately, your daughter understands so no harm done.
I think having your daughter’s roommate’s numbers is a good idea, but I would only use them in an emergency. Now that your daughter saw how concerned you were, maybe she will try to remember to keep her cell phone charged.
Once you know that her living arrangements are okay you will probably feel less panicked and won’t need her to check in as often.<br>
I don’t know if this is helicoptering so much because I feel the same way when my husband travels or is on a long training ride or run and I don’t hear from him when I expect to- we are just nurturing souls. LOL
You have my sympathy!</p>
<p>Seiclan,
Boy, do I hear you. Neither of my kids have been very good about checking in on a regular basis but both respond to e-mails with the subject line - IMPORTANT, read now! or phone messages to call right back. Unless, they don’t check their e-mail and the phone dies! Somehow, we got through my daughters college years with her casually checking in every week or ten days. My son is not much better. My daughters college supplied a land line phone and since she had poor cell reception she used that with phone cards to call sometimes. For my son, I insisted that he get a land line phone since the college supplied the connection along with an answering service. I used it once, but for the low cost of the phone it gave me peace of mind and there’s nothing wrong with a back up phone. </p>
<p>With boys, I think it’s a little tougher to ask for their friends cell phone numbers just in case. I don’t know how you would get them from new college friends without sounding paranoid. My daughter is now literally half way around the world, in China, and she no longer has a cell phone (unless she bought one and hasn’t called me!) or a land phone. We’re relying on the computer e-mail and skype to stay in touch and with a 12 hour time difference it’s not working that well for me. oh, my I just opened my e-mail and there was a note from my girl. She is fine and happy and moving to a different city! I think that worries get bigger instead of smaller when they leave the nest…!</p>
<p>Last year, my S left his phone at the turnpike plaza and didn’t call me for 5 days after he got to school! I was fairly sure I would spend the weekend choosing his casket! I was so nervous (he was just 17). I would have called the roommates too. And, I hate to say this, especially for a daughter. My H told me D last night (age 16) that she can go to a commuter college and we’ll buy some ugly furniture and tan paint so her room can have the feel of a dorm! She’s having none of it!</p>
<p>We found that having scheduled check-in times cut down on mother anxiety and son guilt. Maybe that might help. We have required check-in from S on Sunday morning, but of course, he can call any other time he wants; me, too. But this way, we know we’ll talk to him once a week.</p>
<p>It seems like a common thread here for Pennsylvania moms. LOL
My youngest d is hoping to be all the way on the west coast next year so I am already trying to prepare myself for that separation : (
I am happy and proud that they are both independent and not afraid to step out of their comfort zones, but I still need some regular contact to feel relaxed.</p>
<p>One of the downsides of being closely in touch (this isn’t a criticism of you, I’m in touch, too, helicopter going), is that you develop habits and expectations, and when the routine is not kept, I automatically move into disaster mode. </p>
<p>Mutually discussed scheduled base touching once a week seems to help with that. My D and I touch base almost every day, but the only scheduled time is Sat or Sun around noon. So if we go a few days with no e-mail or call, I assume she’s busy, no panic. The difference is we don’t have the “driving/parking thing”, if we did, I’d just have to develop more distance to handle it.</p>
<p>Seiclan, it doesn’t sound unreasonable. She just left on Saturday, right? Totally new arrangement. Without the peace of mind of campus security. It’s not as if you are calling her friends every weekend, checking her every movement. I’m sure you & she will work out an emergency contact system that suits you both.</p>
<p>Cell phones have spoiled us all. Because keeping in touch is so easy & cheap, we rely on it. I don’t have college kids yet, but without cellphones, I never would have turned over as much freedom to my kids as I have. My 16 yr old D loved the freedom of commuting to NYC this summer for a great program. I felt totally comfortable with her navigating subways & doing some shopping & exploring on her own because of the cell phone. If this were a pre-cell phone era, I’d probably have been tempted to bring her in myself.</p>
<p>My S (a jr.) rarely calls. In the last 3 weeks we’ve talked to him once for less than 5 minutes. He sees himself as a responsible young adult (lives off campus, pays his own bills, has a job, goes to school on scholarships) so does not feel it’s necessary to be reporting in to us all the time. It used to really bother me but I’ve gotten used to it and am glad he is learning to be so self-sufficient.</p>
<p>I have a friend who’s D is 24, just finished her Masters degree, lives and works 7 hours away from here but still calls home almost every day and is still always expecting her parents to help her out on every little life decision(with both advice and monetary support). The Mom (and Dad) are “hoverers” and just never really let go when she went to college an hour from home. I’ve known my friend to cook meals and drive them down there to her D because she was complaining about having no good food, and then vacuum her apt. for her while there. When she spent a semester abroad, they went to visit her in Europe to check on her.</p>
<p>Now I think they wish she was more independent but they have been hoverers for so long that it’s hard to stop.</p>
<p>Not saying that this would ever happen to the OP’s D. Just saying that it’s better to have one who leans more to the independent side than the must talk to mom every day side as it can get to be a dependency thing. With my friend it started out as the mom constantly calling the D until the D just began to expect it and depend on it.</p>
<p>Independence is better than dependency, Packmom. But frequent contact could just be something both mom & child enjoy. My D just called from Ireland a few minutes ago. She’s filling me in because she has news & wants to share the excitement. Plus, she probably feels sorry for mom stuck home in NJ. If she were calling me from college asking how to do a load of laundry or how to resolve some petty issue, I wouldn’t be so eager to get the call…</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your support and advice. My D and I are really not that codependent on each other but she had always called when she said that she would and this was a new, first apartment with new, unknown roommates and she had to (at night) retrieve her car (she took a sorority bus to this off campus parking lot behind some hotel) alone! So many sticks weighed on this camel’s back! That said, I am working on my apron string issues…I want her to be independent (hence supporting the off campus apartment idea) and I am working on my anxiety issues ( a definite work in progress!). We will definitely talk later today about our new contingency plan (keeping phone charged, if phone dies to borrow friends phone and let us know this, give me some emergency numbers for my peace of mind etc…)</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone!</p>
<p>If she (your daughter) thought it was unreasonable then it probably was. However, it sounds like she’s okay with it, so I wouldn’t worry about it.</p>
<p>I have exactly your feelings. Have been very anxious on many occasions when it was unwarrented. My worst time used to be just before the school bus arrived. God forbid it was five minutes late!</p>
<p>However, since kids have been going to summer programs and now college and I learned not to expect call-in and I force myself to say: 1) battery died; 2) she has no service; 3) she’s in a movie with her cell turned off or 4) she’s having sex (ha ha) so I don’t want her to answer. (She’d kill me for this levity, but you can’t take the girl out of the sixties!)</p>
<p>I have FORCED myself to understand that I won’t always be able to be in touch, and she has always been okay. She’s going to London this year so I’d better get used to it.</p>
<p>I don’t know how things will be with S who is Frosh this year. Probably add 5) doesn’t want to talk to me to the list.</p>
<p>We’ve all been there. It’s hard. On the other hand, when I was in college I went for a month, at least, not contacting my mother. Ah, the sixties!</p>
<p>I think in this situation, you were fine to do what you did. In fact, it would be a good idea to have a couple contact people who are near your D in case of an emergency. </p>
<p>I have as loose an apron string as you can have. However, I like my kids and my kids like me. We touch base more often than I did when I was away at college, but we also don’t sit for hours talking. Usually a 10-15 min. conversation.</p>
<p>I agree that in an emergency situaton (or what can feel like an emergency…I’ve had those) then the calling around is warranted.</p>
<p>In my earlier post I was speaking more to the every day calling and how as the kids get older (and more involved with their life away from home) it is bound to tail off. Also since I only have boys, I’ve never had the luxury of one calling just to chat,lol. I know some boys have a lot to talk about…just not mine.</p>
<p>I knew the apron strings were cut when S1 started referring to his college town as “home” and his apt. as his “house”. I wondered why his name didn’t appear in our local paper under the Dean’s List announcements last spring. Then I realized he had listed his apt. address as his primary address at his school so his name was not included with others from our town. He really doesn’t live here anymore…sigh…the strings have been cut.</p>
<p>One thing my husband and I have insisted all of our children do is log our numbers in their cell phones under I.C.E. (in case of emergency) It is well known within emergency rooms and by police to check the phone of a victim in an emergency situation for an I.C.E. number. It wouldn’t really help if the phone was dead so we insist they be dilligent about keeping cell phones charged.</p>
<p>I think it just goes with the territory (depending on your parental style.) You are who you are. Don’t beat yourself up about it–plenty of kindred spirits around.</p>
<p>My D is just on vacation (out of state) at the moment without me and I can’t go to sleep until I get the “goodnight” text (usually somewhere around 2:30AM.) Same thing when she went to London a few months ago. Actually, happens every time she goes into NYC with friends–worry until she returns. I imagine I’ll be fairly sleepless when she goes off to college!</p>
<p>I’m a worrier and she knows it. She also knows I’m not expecting a dossier on her every movement–just some reassurance. She thinks it’s unnecessary, but she says that it sort of makes her feel (even more) loved…so, she is willing to appease me without begrudging. </p>
<p>Letting go is not easy. Having contigency plans is a sensible way to go.</p>
<p>Seiclan, I think it was a little over the top if you had already heard from her the same day, especially if panic was setting in as early as 9:30pm (often the time when college students are just going out rather than getting in). – but no harm done. It sounds like your daughter is close to you and it is a new situation. I think it is good to have a contingency plan in place and someone else you can call… I would just suggest that in the future it is more appropriate to wait at least 24 hours (maybe more on a weekend) before getting panicky about a college student.</p>