<p>Yup. Until there is clarification from the OP, we can’t really say much. Is she throwing her things around the room to be nasty, or is she just careless and messed things up when she went to borrow a pen from D’s desk? Is she engaging in some form of sleep-deprivation torture, or just turning the lights on when she gets back to the room at 3 AM after partying? Why is D afraid? </p>
<p>As for the sexiling, it certainly shouldn’t be all the time, but it isn’t that easy to get a single in most colleges. If you have a significant other, it isn’t unreasonable to OCCASIONALLY expect your roommate to make other arrangements for the night. </p>
<p>I really think it IS too much to ask the roommate to stay somewhere else, even for one night. My daughters paid for their room, and they want to sleep in their own beds. If the roommate wants to spend the night with a significant other, then she/he should make those arrangements and SHE should sleep elsewhere. Yes, every single time. If both roommates agree to something else, fine, but if they can’t agree then each is entitled to sleep in the paid for bed every single night.</p>
<p>My daughter has a roommate who was randomly assigned at the last minute. This girl is very religious and the first thing she asked was that they not have any male visitors - at all! I think this is a little strict, but it actually works out pretty well. Their room is so small that there isn’t a lot of room for others to hang out. Roommate has 8 am classes 4 days a week, and my daughter has hockey practice until 11 at least twice a week. The room is for getting ready and sleeping. My daughter would agree to almost anything as she’s very easy to get along with, but I don’t think this is a horrible agreement to use the room for sleeping, eating (snacks) dressing and maybe a little studying.</p>
<p>My other daughter lives in a suite style apartment, and while I don’t think any of them have an agreement about bringing dates home and they each have their own rooms, I don’t think any of them would have boys over on a regular basis The bathrooms and kitchen are shared, and built for 4, not 5 or 7 or 8.</p>
<p>It doesn’t really matter if it’s common behavior or not. It’s fine if someone wants to get freaked out about roommate behavior - the answer is simply to find a different roommate situation or if you have low tolerance live in a single. I just think the D is old enough to take care of this herself - after all theoretically she is the one that is afraid according to the mom. And it must be 'bad enough" for this daughter and mother that the mom wants to fly out there immediately and find another place for her D to live. I haven’t searched to see where the D is in school, but by this point in the semester the odds are good that someone has left campus by now at almost every college.</p>
<p>Thanks, as usual oldfort gave good advice in that thread. I don’t know much about Cornell’s attrition, but generally at most colleges at this point there are always a few kids that bail out ( my s1 not Cornell had a son bail out at 2 weeks - too rural, too remote) so even if housing were full it seems like they could find a place for the D’s daughter hopefully. Hopefully we’ll hear back that there was some positive, in perception, resolution. </p>
<p>I agree it’s inappropriate to ask a roommate to stay elsewhere, even for one night. You’re paying for room and board for your kid, they should be able to sleep in their own room every single night. I was young and in love and all of that too, but then you made arrangements to be intimate during the day when your roommate was at the library or whatever; you didn’t sexile your roommate at night and force them to find a room elsewhere, and you certainly didn’t have a boyfriend sleep in the bed with you (even if it was just actual sleeping) with the roommate a couple of feet away. That’s gross and inappropriate, IMO. </p>
<p>OP, it’s hard when your kid is far away. However, this is one of many situations that your daughter will face as she matures into an adult. It’s unpleasant but she’ll grow from this situation. Let her deal with it and don’t fly in to save the day. And it’s okay to contact Res Life. Let us know how this gets resolved!</p>
<p>“As for the sexiling, it certainly shouldn’t be all the time, but it isn’t that easy to get a single in most colleges. If you have a significant other, it isn’t unreasonable to OCCASIONALLY expect your roommate to make other arrangements for the night.”</p>
<p>I completely disagree with this. I think the canoodling couple needs to figure out how one of them can have a single, or rent a hotel room, or plan prearranged daytime trysts. I think it is completely inappropriate to expect a roommate to a) find another place to sleep for the night and / or b) put up with a guy sleeping in the other bed even if it’s truly just sleeping. Sorry, no. For the $ that’s being shelled out for dorm rooms, you should have the ability to sleep there every darn night and you should have the reasonable expectation that it’s just you and your roommate. </p>
<p>I totally agree with PG. The couple should be finding alternate sleeping arrangements…not the roommate who is also paying for her bedroom in the dorm.</p>
<p>Many schools have a guest policy whereby roommates need to sign and agree to overnight guests. Both of the colleges my kids attended had this. and there was a limit on the number of times for overnight guests as well…of any gender.</p>
<p>Wow. As usual, it’s all on the women to solve the problem. Has anyone considered that the roommate could go to her BOYFRIEND’S room to have sex or whatever? Most guys I know really wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch in the lounge or crashing on a friend’s floor. If this were my daughter, she’d be beside herself over not getting her sleep. She really needs it to function, and she needs a regular schedule. This is actually making me wonder whether she ought to look into a single for next year…</p>
<p>If you aren’t going the single route then it’s important freshman year to find a friend or two or three that you CAN live with for the remaining years. My oldest was a slob in college. Fortunately he had no trouble finding other slobs to live with in college. As my second son would say, he’s a slob and his friends are slobs, but they were happy slobs. If the D goes to the RA I’m sure they can take a stab at working out an agreeable arrangement or the D can get in line for a new room. Unfortunately after raising three boys I’ve found that “in general” men are much more direct about what’s bugging them. I have certainly “learned” how to stand up for myself through the years in my household. From reading these threads for years it seems that most posts are women who seem to have greater issues with roommates, perhaps sometimes they aren’t as direct in their confrontations. We don’t know from the OP post(s) what types of compromise have been attempted up until the mom’s desire to fly out and fix the situation. I’m not disparaging the mom or the D just pondering the posts. </p>
<p>I don’t know how the original roommate was selected, but I agree daughter should be allowed to work it out.
I very rarely heard anything about my kids roommates, and generally it was just venting, not anything that they wanted me to do something about.</p>
<p>Unless an adult asks for your help, (& they are not in actual danger), it is rude and demeaning to " help" them against their wishes.
Let her handle it.
If mom interferes, she is showing her that she doesn’t think she is capable of handling it herself and taking away an opportunity to learn a skill.</p>
<p>There was nothing in the original post that indicated the roommate had one or more partners in the room regularly. The OP said “she EVEN . . .” to imply that this was a singular, egregious episode. The daughter did not explain what drove her to spend the night in the lounge, and so we are only inferring that it was a male visitor when it could have been any number of alternative grievances (including a vitriolic confrontation or argument with the roommate). It can also be a homesick kid venting to her parents about trivial annoyances that will work themselves out. </p>
<p>A bad roommate situation can really set a kid’s college experience off on the wrong foot. I feel for the OP’s D as it is clear that she has not been able to manage her roommate effectively. I perceived a power imbalance here where the roommate is exhibiting little respect for OP’s D. Some kids can handle this on their own but for others it is just too much on top of the huge adjustment of college. Also some teens are non-confrontational and really do not understand that being accommodating can sometimes result in being walked all over. </p>
<p>If it were my D, I would sit back and let her take it as far as she could without my intervention. It is clear that OP’s D wants to keep parents out of it. So let her give it a go. But there is no way I would sit back for long if my D found herself in a situation where she was sleeping in the lounge while the roommate and her BF commandeered the bedroom. Sorry, but that is beyond the pale. And if the D’s roommate knew thats where she was sleeping then she is self-absorbed beyond belief and the sooner D gets rid of her the better. You can’t give people like this any berth, you need to push back hard and fast. </p>
<p>My D has had a high school experience that included 4 years of dorm living. She has concluded that dorm life is highly overrated. She was lucky enough this year (her senior year) to snag a room in a house that is comprised of all singles. It was the most applied to house for senior girls - everyone wanted the singles.</p>
<p>"Wow. As usual, it’s all on the women to solve the problem. Has anyone considered that the roommate could go to her BOYFRIEND’S room to have sex or whatever? Most guys I know really wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch in the lounge or crashing on a friend’s floor. "</p>
<p>What? The OP is the parent of a daughter. I don’t think any of her are in a position to advise her roommate’s boyfriend as to how to manage his sex life. We also don’t know that the roommate hasn’t had sex in the boyfriend’s room. Most couples who have sex do it more than once, and often in more than one location A college student, of either sex, having sex in their room is not in and of itself unusual–I think that’s the only point people are making.</p>
<p>I also think it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s fine to inconvenience the boys because they don’t care, but the females can’t ever be inconvenienced. You are offended because you imagine that all of the burden is on the females, but you’re suggesting putting all of the burden on the males.</p>
<p>If YOUR daughter has trouble functioning if she isn’t sleeping in her own bed, that’s fine–she can use that as a reason not to agree to spend the night elsewhere. So could a male student. IMO there’s no requirement to agree to spend the night elsewhere. I agree with those who have said that asking for a bit of private time is fine but asking the roommate to sleep elsewhere is a bit much. </p>
<p>The housing director at orientation said the three most common roommate issues are 1) she ate my food; 2) she wore my clothes; or 3) she (or her friends) sat on my bed. He said most of those can be worked out, but if not the one complaining has to move or if they are both complaining they both move (yes, the room might sit empty rather than give one the power to evict the other).</p>
<p>When I was at Cornell (long ago, I admit) they overenrolled by 20% to cover the kids who left after the first prelim exams. It was a “weed-out” period. That should be soon, so rooms may be opening up. The overenrolled kids slept on couches in the lounges, and looking longingly at the rooms of anyone who was having a rough time. Very supportive!</p>
A college student, of either sex, having sex in their room is not in and of itself unusual–I think that’s the only point people are making.</p>