<p>OP I feel your pain. My D is going to school in the midwest so I always hear, but it’s so cold there! What if she doesn’t like it? It’s so far! Etc, ad nauseum. It’s rare to hear so Cal kids choosing to go oos esp to the snow and ice. So it does cause me anxiety when I hear this over and over. It makes me wonder if we’re doing the right thing. But I know that we’ve done our homework and it is the best choice for her, I’m sure you’ve done the same. My son is in school up north, 9 hours away, and I worried for him just as I do with my D now. But I was surprised to find that we text and call more often than when he lived here! Do I miss him? Like heck! But he’s grown so much and he’s thriving and that’s what this is about - them, not us. You’re doing the right thing, just trust your kid and things will fall into place!</p>
<p>We have one set of friends who’s only comment when colleges are discussed is “it’s so far away”. Well, our kids are more used to traveling and driving longer distances and we don’t want them going to school in our hometown, like their kids do. When their oldest graduated from college and moved on into the working world, she found a job 5 hours away from home, spent the first month crying on the phone to mom because she missed everyone. We would prefer that transition happen freshman year in college where there are support systems at college to handle that transition. Everyone else has pretty much said “wow, cool”, but a lot of kids go away to college here too.</p>
<p>People ask questions that reflect there own fears. I think “How can you let them move that far away?” is asking you how YOU plan on dealing with a long distance separation from a loved one more than worrying about how the one leaving will handle it.</p>
<p>With the exception of my closest circle of friends, I try not to discuss my children’s lives with other parents. I steer the supermarket chit chat to something else when I am asked pointed questions about my children. It’s unfortunate but I have learned the questions are not genuine interest, but rather an effort to compete or offer an unwanted opinion. The decisions your children make will likely not be a surprise to your closest friends, but it always amazes me that others, who barely know my children, feel comfortable commenting at all. Personally, I make every effort not to ask intrusive questions.</p>
<p>It is always astonishing to me how rude and insensitive some people can be with their comments. Once kids leave to go away to college, it should not matter how far they go - they are on their own.</p>
<p>We chose not to “allow” our kids to go farther than a one-day car trip away to avoid the costs of plane travel, but that was a financial issue. Other than that, I could not imagine allowing my anxiety and empty nest feelings to overwhelm them and guilt them into remaining in the same city as us.</p>
<p>I agree, some people just don’t know what to say and blurt out something inappropriate. Others are just plain rude. Lot’s of good responses here. I love “That’s the plan!” for a particularly spicy and invasive inquiry. Sometimes “What an odd question” can work if you feel like taking the energy. </p>
<p>My thought is once they are on a plane they are on a plane and they can often commute home more easily then a state school. I’m in the exurbs of DC and my gf’s daughter can get home from Boston flying quicker then the kids at Va Tech. The kid who goes to school on the opposite coast my be recruited for a job back on the original coast, while the one who stayed instate falls in love with an OOS student and follows them back to their home town 3k miles away, or more likely one is recruited somewhere (or accepted to grad school) and the other follows, neither returning home. When kids are 17/18 parents think very short term for themselves with long range worries for their kids. The world is a big place. I want my kids to have the opportunity to explore it! The other very real fact for many of us who don’t live in small towns is WE won’t be here in 15 years because where we have been working and raising our children is not conducive to retiring. Why in the world would I be worried about my child’s college choice influencing where he eventually ends up living? Now, the previous is not easy to fit into a quippy retort to a rude, invasive question, but I assure you, that’s what I’m thinking…“you can’t see the forest for the trees!”.</p>
<p>EvilBopper would say: “Jealous, much?”</p>
<p>GoodBopper says “I thought you would be happy for him.” You are gently calling them out on their behavior and putting THEM on the defensive, like they tried to do to you. They may sputter and say "Oh, but I am " and then you could say “I couldn’t quite tell from your comment. Yes, we are excited for him and am glad he could get into the college of his choice. He will be far way but we have already booked flights home for him at holidays. I am glad we have raised a young man that has the confidence to go out on his own. Say, how is junior/your dog/your spouse doing?”</p>
<p>all good advice, but it does get wearisome to be on the defensive constantly about your kid’s college choice and you start to wonder, could a million people be wrong :\ It’s good to have these threads where we can vent a bit of our anxiety.</p>
<p>I think a fair number of nice folks blurt out something that reflects their own concerns about their own kids, and have no criticism or unkind word intended.</p>
<p>If a pompous person says something rude (again), well it’s worth an indulgent smile that notes you understand their composition and fortitude alright, and no further comment.</p>
<p>We’ve all been parents for at least 18 years, and I remember from the beginning the sahm vs the working mom stuff. This is just the same. A good coat of teflon is the best way to take comments about parenting, from birth on. </p>
<p>I do think we can all control our own behavior, and should trust other parents to know their children best. I think the best way to handle the college discussions is to offer support and congratulations to the choices our kid’s friends make, and hope they reciprocate. If they don’t, well, we’re our own boss as parents, and don’t answer to anyone else. There is NO need to defend our kid’s choices. </p>
<p>I don’t think this kind of criticism has come up for me, but if it did, I don’t remember. I think a good way to respond is to close the conversation with a firm, “Well, Murgatroyd is very excited about attending the University of the South Bronx,” PERIOD. What else is there to say after that?</p>
<p>Yes, we are all our own bosses and know our kids best, but it gets to be a downer after awhile. The point is, I guess for me, for a change of pace I would just like to hear a hundred people say, 'That’s awesome, how exciting!" Instead of a hundred say, ‘Wow, that’s really far and the winters are terrible," haha, just sayin’</p>
<p>@SalveMater: Well, how about one supportive person? I’ll be that person. Of course, I don’t know where your child chose to go to school, so I’ll go off of what you list here. I think it is awesome that your child gets to go somewhere new to grow and change in a whole new environment. That’s what my daughter is choosing to do too! I bet you can’t wait to visit, I know I can’t.</p>
<p>Our family loves real seasons, so if your child is the same, a few good cold snowy winters will be just the ticket! That is also what my daughter is choosing! She grew up doing winter sports, and wants to continue! Maybe next fall, you and I can talk winter coats, because I will need advice.</p>
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<p>I love this. Absolutely love it.</p>
<p>Thanks Ruby! how refreshing! yes actually I’m getting excited about attending a few ND games and getting all trussed up like a turkey just to go outside 
Where’s your little adventurer headed off to?</p>
<p>The comments of these friends smack of envy. </p>
<p>If anything they should confirm that you gave excellent support and advice to your son.</p>
<p>Salve and Ruby, I’m SO looking forward to occasionally leaving winter behind to visit my D in the Bay Area. She was a little unsure herself (loves the snow in the NE), but one visit on a sunny Feb weekend and we were all sold!</p>
<p>A lot of people in our small town are assuming that DD will be applying to colleges far away and are already commenting along the same lines. I do not think it is jealousy at least in my case but due to small town attitude - they know the university close by worked for their kids or friends’ kids and hence worried about unknown. </p>
<p>If you can pay for the college without going into debt, let your son decide where he wants to go. Then you can tell those people that it was your son’s choice and you are supporing him.</p>
<p>Op,
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SON’S AMAZING ACHIEVEMENTS!!
He’s found a univ that stimulates and excites him.
He’ll be attending the number #1 undergrad business school in the US.
He will be happy and challenged.
What more can you want?
It will be highly unlikely that he meets his future wife at Wharton, but if he does;
- She could be from ANY part of the country, including your state
- If she is from PA, then as long as he is happy, so what? It’s his life, not your relatives’ lives.</p>
<p>If your relatives want to chain down their own kids, then let them. You know your kid best. Some kids do better nearby, some do better far away, some do fine with either. Just make sure that going to Wharton is really what your son wants to do. And that you can afford it. If so, then stick your fingers in your ears and block out all of the negativity!</p>
<p>Bopper’s comment is pure genius, and I will have to remember this comment for future use:</p>
<p>"GoodBopper says “I thought you would be happy for him.” You are gently calling them out on their behavior and putting THEM on the defensive, like they tried to do to you. They may sputter and say "Oh, but I am " and then you could say “I couldn’t quite tell from your comment. Yes, we are excited for him and am glad he could get into the college of his choice. He will be far way but we have already booked flights home for him at holidays. I am glad we have raised a young man that has the confidence to go out on his own. Say, how is junior/your dog/your spouse doing?”</p>
<p>@wintriest bay area is amazing congrats on the change of scenery and happy CA trails!</p>