Would your roommate be Ok with you having “guests” if she were not going to be there? You could schedule his visits while she was away if she goes away for a weekend.
Also remember:
-
Your roommate doesn’t know you yet. She doesn’t know her dorm, her school, her food, her classes. And she doesn’t know your friend. So if a stranger (you) says “Hey I would like to bring a stranger to sleep in your room with you”, she is saying no because that is all she can control at this point.
-
Soon your roommate will know you. She will see the people you hang out with and the choices you make.
-
She may meet your friend even if he doesn’t sleep over. She will find out what he is like and that you are friends and not BF/GF.
Then she may be able to truly decide if she is cool with it. Another option is for him to stay with some boys in your dorm.
Also, having people stay over is something that can be “banned” unilaterally…your roommate (and you) pay for the room so you get a say in who sleeps over.
Other rules like “can people visit” or “who pays for the fridge” or “you can’t borrow my snacks” or “how late can people stay up” can be negotiated reasonably.
Agree that your roommate is paying for the room too and if she would have to leave or feel uncomfortable with a man sleeping in the room, then don’t. She has rights.
Many years ago, it was much more common for roommates to be kicked out (sock on the door). I remember having to find a friend to sleep on their floor the night before an important Chemistry exam because my roommate’s BF came.
It’s really not fair. I wish I had put my foot down but I wanted to be a good sport. It’s her room as much as it is your’s, and there are 2 people paying for the room, not 3.
The assumption that you should be allowed to have overnight guests in your dorm room, without considering how your roommate feels, smacks of a sense of entitlement.
This. Period. I don’t see that as an unreasonable, unilateral request. I would have been furious if my roommate tried to pull that on me.
Hence the phrase, “Get a room.” Work around her schedule, go to his place, or find a different space for your activities. Your roommate should not be inconvenienced. Be semi-old fashioned and let him worry about where and how. 
It is unlikely that the roommate will be there every single weekend of the school year. Make your sleepover plans for times she will not be there or find some male classmates to host your friend.
I want to thank you all for taking the time to reply and help me with my problem. I have been taking all answers into consideration and I appreciate having multiple views on this.
@FireflyLights I think I like your answer the best. I do indeed have work study, and I will not have a car this year so travelling to a hotel would come with the expense of getting a ride/trying to catch a bus/relying on him to be able to take me to and from campus and pay for another place. And for the matter of my relationship with the boy- it’s semi-complicated. We are closer to friends with benefits than an actual relationship at the moment, but he was interested in pursuing an actual relationship once I moved closer to him and settled in. So it’s a complicated situation with him. I think I’ll just have to scrape some money together and talk to him about it, find a weekend that we are both free, and work out the prices of a ride/place to stay/ride back.
@iwannabe_Brown the contract our school gives has none of this on it. If I want to speak to her about it, I have to pull up my big girl pants and do it myself. I turned to CC to get a couple more opinions on the issue and come up with my own decision.
My roommate lives five hours away from campus, so her going up every weekend sounds like a rarity. I asked her how often she would be going back home and she said just holidays. I myself live two and a half hours away from campus and without a car it would be difficult to go back and forth every few weekends or so. I suppose once we get to know each other better and settle down in campus she may take a trip out with her new friends and I’ll have a day or two to myself.
The main conflict that I’m seeing here is whether this rule is negotiable between the roommates. Some are saying that it is not, her feelings towards co-sleepers trumps whatever I feel towards the situation. A few are saying that since I pay for the room as well and it is my space, my voice is just as loud as hers in the situation and we should come to some sort of compromise if able. I think this all comes down to me growing a pair and having an honest conversation about this with her. I still don’t know her true feelings about people sleeping over other than “rather not” and “not as comfortable with guys”, and it is not fair to me to keep something this important from her, especially how important it is since we share such a small space.
Also, please let me iterate that I will not be kicking the poor girl out on her butt four times a week. I will give her as much notice as I am able, and the minute she says “I was just looking for alone time in the room” I will find some other place to spend time. I will not sexile her during exam week, or any other stressful week for her because I would want her to extend the same courtesy to me. Our school starts rather late in the year, so neither of us quite know our schedules/clubs yet. I could always wait and ask her once we know each other a little better.
<<also, please="" let="" me="" iterate="" that="" i="" will="" not="" be="" kicking="" the="" poor="" girl="" out="" on="" her="" butt="" four="" times="" a="" week.="" give="" as="" much="" notice="" am="" able,="">></also,>
How do you even think you can kick a girl out of her own room just because you want to? Let me reiterate. It’s her room that she pays to sleep in every night.
Where exactly is she supposed to be while you and your boyfriend are using the room?
Your roommate has every right to be in her room anytime she wants to be there. She is entitled to it. If she does not want overnight guests that is perfectly understandable and she is under no obligation to say yes. Both of you only have a right to that room and no one else. You can talk to your school about the availability of a single if that suits you better that way you can do whatever you want in your own room. Dorms are small enough as it is. Three is a crowd.
You mentioned your roommate’s religion as a possible factor.
Depending on the religion, this may be a non-negotiable thing for her. Some religions regard being around/in a space where sexual activity occurs outside of one’s own marriage to be spiritually pollutin/perceived to be condoning sinful behavior in their religion even if one’s not involved or even present when those activities occur.
And IME, most religious conservatives* tend to be very uncomfortable with even the idea of a roommate or even a housemate(undergrad and post-college**) having a sex life in their shared room/apartment/house.
If that’s the case, the only real options you have which won’t infringe on their religious/room rights is to either accept not having bf/sex life in the room or request a room change.
- IME, mostly fundamentalist evangelical Christians.
** An fundamentalist evangelical relative once recounted how when interviewing for one prospective rooomate for a room, he and his likeminded roommates turned down one prospective roommate because he expressed his intention of sharing it with his girlfriend and they felt allowing that would mean they’re morally condoning what they perceived as sinful behavior along with the fact they didn’t want it in their shared apartment.
In short, sharing rooms with opposite gendered roommates who weren’t married…especially if they intended to have an active sex life was a deal-breaker for them.
Was that Wally or Theodore Cleaver?
@bjkmom As other members have suggested, I’ll probably try to schedule intimate times with other people around our schedules. Perhaps when she’s in class/club/sports and the room would be down a person regardless.
@preppedparent I am not saying that I’m trying to kick her out at a moment’s notice because I want to have sex. And as I have said before, no one is sleeping over the night regardless. I had added that to express that I wouldn’t make her clear the room in the middle of the day or something like that. She is just as entitled to spend time in the room as I am. It seems that some members are not understanding that I am willing to listen and compromise with her, and will probably just go with her original request.
@raclut thank you for your input.
@CarriesBakers I think that your responses have been measured and thoughtful and you are obviously listening to suggestions that adults are giving you. I am sorry that some responses seem to not be hearing you. There are ways to compromise once you and your roommate know each other and you can determine if she means “never” or “only when I’m not there.” Way back in the 80’s when I was a freshman my roommate was 20 and had a long term boyfriend who lived 2 hours away. I worked and rarely went home, but when she asked for the room I made plans to sleep at my sorority house. It was rare and only on the weekends. It is easy to compromise if both people want to. We always posted our weekly schedules as a courtesy (not about hook-ups) and it was always nice to know when I’d have the room to myself. She was older and understood how to make it all as painless as possible. Good luck!
Don’t rely on your dorm room for a place for intimate time as it may not be an option for you given what you have described about your roommate. Simply put it may go against her values, religion or personal comfort and not be up for negotiation. Some cultures or families frown upon and still forbid premarital sex. Talk to someone maybe housing or the RA about changing rooms. I doubt she would be the only student who would be uncomfortable with this situation. It could be a person of any religion or ethnicity and it is very possible her parents could also take issue with it and ask her to change room assignments.
That was a great nugget above – post your schedule and suggest your roommate do the same. If your schedules allow you to identify some opportune times, I don’t think you have to discuss how you use your time in the room. You can even say “John’s going to stop by this morning.” Just be respectful.
Now, it would get creepy if you and your guest are not ready for her return. (We had a friend back at college who would invite us to come get her after class. But she and off-campus boyfriend would never be completely dressed when we got to her dorm room, despite our calling ahead.)
Do also plan on spending some time getting to know your roommate and trying some activities with her. Lunch on Wednesdays at the student center. Anything. Being roommates can be fun.
Clearly I am in the minority here… but IMO, it is the OP’s room too, why should she ban all boys from visiting the room to accommodate the roommate? It is a two way street. (Why didn’t this roomie request an all-girl housing environment if “boys” were such an issue?) It comes down to compromise. I would arrange a time that you will be allowed to use the room, uninterrupted. Be courteous about it. No, your boy should not be spending multiple nights in the room, he is not paying for the privilege and that is taking advantage of a situation. But, It is just as convenient/inconvenient for her to find a place to hang out for an hour as is is for you to find a place to hook up. One or two night on a rare occasion is not unreasonable. Why is it that the roomie should not be just as courteous and considerate of the OP’s lifestyle, as everyone is expecting OP to be?
As others have said, you might just be able to work it around times when your roomie is going to be out of town anyway. You mention your roomie is opposite sexuality than you…it would appear that you are heterosexual. I certainly hope the no “boys” rule applies to no “girls” as well, it would be completely unfair for you to not be allowed to have your boyfriend visit/stay but she could have a girlfriend stay by virtue of the person not being a “boy”… in other words no romantic partners/love interests for either roomie! As you said it is completely rude to have sex while your roomie is present and I would hope that would be a guiding principle for you over your college career. Being adult and wanting to have an active sex life also means taking responsibility for your actions and sometimes, as an adult, you have to recognize that you don’t always get your way. Life is not fair and just because you want to have a convenient sex life doesn’t mean you are entitled to one.
My DD was assigned to an all-girls dorm last year, no male overnight visitors unless it was a brother. As a freshman it was a major pain in the butt to find someone to house a male friend (yes just a friend) when he came to visit…she didn’t know anyone well enough to ask that of anyone. Her roommate had a long time BF and DD had a BF by November, they made it work for both of them, it was easy enough to schedule private time around the other roomies extra curriculars and class schedule. Having lived through emerging adult sex lives it back in the day, freshman year it may have been shocking, but by senior year, I could have cared less who was doing what in the same room with me, as long as it was quiet, the lights weren’t on and there was no vomiting involved. You eventually learn to sleep through anything!
@amom2girls thank you very much for validating me, haha. I was feeling a bit guilty and self-indulgent for posting this after getting the first few messages that said I was being selfish. I will talk with her about posting a schedule every week and even offer to buy the board to do so. Again, thank you.
@raclut and @cobrat When I asked my roommate (through text messaging), I said “How do you feel about guests? Overnight guests?” and she replied that “guests would be fine, although she really prefer guys not to spend the night” then I replied and in her next message she said “I’m a Christian, so I’m not as comfortable with guys spending the night”. I didn’t want to dwell and ask her why/ask her too much about her religion, so I left it at that. Perhaps Cobrat is right, this is purely something having stemmed from her upbringing and she will not budge on it. If it is, I will respect that and find somewhere else to spend my time. I can file a claim to change my room November 8th (mind you that roommates and dorms were selected at random by our school). I will speak with her before then, and if I have to change then so be it.
@labegg That is exactly how I have been feeling. Everyone is trying to decide whether it is something we can discuss as roommates or she has the last word on it, and why should she if we share the room? I am trying to be as open-minded and optimistic about the cards I have been dealt, even if I do not favor them all that much. As I said, I am willing to compromise. I am hoping she feels the same way.
you bring up a very important part in your second point there. My roommate is not the one that is not straight; I am. I have no idea how to bring it up to her seeing as she has said all of this, and I think that may be the straw upon the camel’s back. I feel that it may make her extremely uncomfortable and further ruin any attempt for me to bring any person over, friend or more. And would that make her friends that come over uncomfortable? The only way I’ll be able to answer this question is speaking with her, but finding the time, the place, and the situation to do so is going to be one of the hardest conversations I’ll have with her. My roommate has a boyfriend, but he will be going to college five states away. So she most likely won’t sexile me given that and her previous statement with her religion. This is just a multi-faceted problem.
Because when you pay for the dorm room, you are entitled to be in it 24/7 for the entire semester. Both of you have that right. You can negotiate a different deal, but that’s the deal you made with the school. You can’t force your roommate to take early classes or late classes or even go to class. She can be in that room constantly from the day she moves in to the end of the semester. Luckily, most students don’t do that. My first roommate was kind of like that, and I swear she slept 10 or more hours per day. I got up early, went to class, studied late at night in the common room. Having an overnight guest would have been very difficult because she was ALWAYS there.
My daughter’s roommate was very religious and she made the request for ‘no boys’ in the room. At all. My daughter was okay with it. When we were at orientation, the housing director said the biggest issue with roommates was with others sitting on the bed. You are giving up a lot of control when you go away to college and have to share a room, and people want a little control. All they can control is their part of the room, their bed, their light, their closet. Students want to control that 10x12 feet they have rented.
You may find when you get to school that there is a work around. A friend who has a single and will let you use it. Guest rooms available for OOT guests (or parents). If it is really unworkable, you can change roommates.