Roommate Bans Boys From Sleeping Over

Student Lounge College Life
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I thought tinder was a dating app? No, don’t tell me…

No judgements, but you should not bring anyone you don’t really know into the room. It is her room too, and she is not consenting to that. The person might rob you. So I advise sticking to ppl that you know or get to know first.

It is not hard to say “XX, you keep leaving the door unlocked and we aren’t safe that way now that we no longer live at home. You simply have to remember to lock the door please!” This is way easier than the other conversation.

The other stuff, picking battles, I’d throw out her yogurt cups and remove her stuff back to her side.

Please be careful. The world is more dangerous than you think it is right now.

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@bodangles , yes, this is an interesting discussion. I wouldn’t say some of us are reversing, but certainly, as the OP has given us new info, the direction here is changing. OP is considering doing things that many of us feel put her at risk. I think a lot of us here are parents, and what OP is discussing is worrisome. But I am glad OP is receptive to what we have been saying. Hopefully she considers the viewpoints presented here.

@CarriesBakers , I do find it concerning that you are clearly worried about security in your dorm, but you don’t seem to be considering your personal safety as much in your plans to have an active sex life. College is a time to explore, no doubt, but it’s also a time to learn how to take care of yourself. I believe you go to a small school, but stuff happens at small schools too, and you will not know everyone, despite the size. Be sure you have a safe balance, in addition to a fun balance.

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Oh, @HRSMom… okay, we wont tell you.

OP, discuss locking the room again face to face with your roommate. If she lapsed again, engage your RA for help.

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@NYmommabear It could be that the OP doesn’t necessarily need a new roommate, but the reverse statement might not be true. The roommate may very well need a new roommate. The OP owes her roommate enough respect to share what she wants to be able to do b/c the fact is that the situation is far outside of the bounds of what the roommate is comfortable with and the OP knows it.

The hard part is this is both individuals’ home. It is their only sanctuary space on-campus. Each has a right to feel safe, comfortable, and not having their rights violated. If the roommate’s view is based on deeply held religious values, this is going to be impossible to reconcile. The OP has her rights as well. Both of them will probably be way more comfortable with roommates that hold somewhat similar lifestyles/views.

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Lurking on this thread, but compelled to provide this tidbit of Tinder info I just got from my 19 year old son (who wondered aloud why in the world I wanted to know, lol!)…

On tinder you can set a range within which you are looking for hookups. (@HRSmom - I mean dates!). But unless you go to a very large school (UMich, for example?) it would be difficult to limit the people to other campus community members. Who you choose to match with, of course, is up to you, and OP could fairly reasonably limit her swipes to other college students, if she so chooses.

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Tinder is not exclusively about sex. But in some areas, there’s an expectation that accepting the third date is a yes. Ymmv.

D1 had some nice T dates wo sex, is still friends with one guy. Met her bf on another site.

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That all makes sense to me @Mom2aphysicsgeek. You may very well be right that these two would be better with other roommates. And they both certainly have the right to make a change. But they are living together until November at least, as this is the earliest time rooms can be switched. I think they should try to work things out, and reevaluate in November.

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Thank you all for your input.

I didn’t mean that I would be inviting all people from all walks of life into my dorm. I guess the ambiguity of being online has finally bitten me in the butt. Thank you all for telling me that Tinder hookups aren’t necessarily a catch-all when it comes to college experiences. I have been using the app for a while now, and since then learned how to use the app and other resources wisely. If I were to meet someone on the app I was interested and comfortable with, I would propose meeting somewhere in person(and public) and during the day, like the dining hall or the library to sit and chat over food or something. I’m not as hormone driven and promiscuous as I’ve made myself seem on this thread, I suppose.

And as I said before, it’s not like I won’t be smart with my choices, weigh the options, and always put myself and my safety first. I have gone on dates and strictly dates with people I’ve met on Tinder, and made a couple of friends. So I don’t just use my swipes to find someone to bed for the night. Maybe I’ll be lucky and find someone who will tutor me in statistics.

I will take the sticky notes down, except for the one by the locks. I have yet to find myself comfortable enough to sit and chat with her, and with the first day of class being tomorrow, I’m still not sure when I will be able to. Perhaps when the week is over.

Also, please understand that I have a lot of time scheduled before I start even thinking about hooking up, or even dating in college. It’s a stressful time, especially at such a prestigious institution as mine. This information is being used for three, four months later down the road. I’m not bedding people now. I plan to later, however, and I wanted to get help and advice beforehand so I could fully have a plan by the time I felt i was ready.

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Good luck with your first day of classes, @CarriesBakers!

As far as talking to your roommate about the locks and such, my advice would be to do it sooner than later - just grab a few minutes when you are together in the room. We build these kind of things up in our minds to be bigger tasks than they really are, and I bet you’ll feel some relief as soon as you’ve addressed the topic.

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@veruca as others have said, it’s pretty much common in the US to have to share a room in college. You can file for a single if youre lucky, but it costs more than if you were to share. some colleges don’t allow first-years to have non-double dorm rooms. i came in knowing this. My roommate had a choice (we could say we prefered a certain room style) and so did i. it just so happened that i got the short end of the stick.

I will say this- I’m an avid Tinder user. And most of the people on my campus are as well. More than likely I will have one night stands, but I’ll probably explain my roommate situation and spend the time at their dorm, or, if they’re more seasoned about campus than I, another place they know where we wouldn’t get found. I prefer not to do the latter.

this thread is not only about my FWB. it’s about any boy (or girl) I plan to bring into the dorm for sexual relations. Now that I have a better idea of what my roommate is looking for (which is none of it), i have to access this further than just that one boy.

@lookingforward this reply is a little late, but she and I don’t share any sort of furniture like that, Our rooms have separate closets, dressers, and desks. The only thing we share in the room is a fridge and a sink.

My roommate has obviously never had to share a space with another person before. It’s apparent in the way she keeps her room, and the way her stuff ends up on my side of the room regardless. This can also extend to the sex problem as well. She has no idea how to handle it, and I have no idea how to bring it up.

things like locking the door when we’re gone and not leaving your yogurt cups out on the sink- one more hazardous than the other in the grand scheme of things- are some examples of her mishousekeeping of the room. I worry that her not locking the door will lead to some stuff getting stolen, since they can make a quick getaway with the stairs right in front of us and all.

I basically am doing all of the compromising, because i let her walk over me. i haven’t said anything about the slow crawl of her stuff from her side of the sink to mine. Or how she likes the lights on in the daytime (and leaves them on when she leaves0. how she doesn’t lock the door. How i keep waking her up.

On Mondays, she only has one class. it’s at 1pm. My first class (i have it all week) is at 10am. I am anxious to see how she will react when I’m waking her up at 7 or 8am each morning.

@tucsonmom She comes from an affluent family and has three younger siblings. but based on her housekeeping, she’s never had to share. I’ve always had to share with my older brother (not fun)) and i knew my stuff would be tampered with if not put away. She has a sleep mask and she wore it last night, but took it off after a while. I also have a face mask. And she has a continuous fan going on in the corner of the room, but apparently that’s not enough noise for her.
@doschicos she went to bed around 11pm last night, after getting to the room around 10/10:15. I was still very much awake and had things to do that i couldn’t do the day since we were still in orientation and I had to do them this morning. As I said, I was still putting away laundry that took two hours within itself to be washed and dried.

@Mom2aphysicsgeek He is a student at a (somewhat) close community college and has a job as well. so his schedule is almost as hectic as mine. I also have a job, work study on campus. the weekend is going to be tricky since she won’t be going home too often, but I’ve already scheduled my friend to visit when she’s going to be gone for her doctor’s appointment in september. thank you for the advice.

@Massmomm I brought a sleeping bag and have a rug on the floor just for sleeping over. That’s for anyone who wants or needs to come in and rest. No one would be sleeping in her bed, as i would like her to extend the same idea to me. someone else has offered the advice to have someone house him for the night. he has a friend that also goes to my school (i have not met him) he could stay with, but we would have to speak more about it. but friending or even asking a friend, to hold your man for the night seems awkward to me. I think i would take it as a last resort.

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I thought you were new to this campus. How do you know how many people are using an anonymous forum?

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@CarriesBakers You seem like an intelligent and sensible person. Have the talk about the door, start the move process and be careful. (And thanks for the info that ppl still use it to date! I was thinking all sorts of weird things!! Lol!)

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I know you don’t share furniture, that’s what I said. The point is, you share the rest- the space, lighting, noise considerations, timing, and more, including issues about safety.

As a tolerant adult, I still need to say, this thread’s focus (and to whatever extent it reflects your reality,) is too much about sex, sex, sex. Life’s bigger and you have an opportunity now to explore in many directions. Grow, evolve, enhance…that’s much more than sexual freedoms or that one aspect, now that you’re away from home. To focus so much on sex, to keep upping the ante with further elaborating, circling back, raises questions.

And you’re perception that you’re doing all the compromising? Before facing her squarely?

Kick her things back to her side or dump them on her bed. Put her dang yogurt cup on her bedside table, desk or dresser. Throw it on her bed, for all I care. (“Oh, I thought you wanted to save it.”) Don’t wake her at 7 or 8am, be considerately quiet. That’s your part. If she wakes, you’ve at least tried. Talk to her.

You ever share a room?
You ever live away from parents? You know what compromising really means? You realize it’s about both sides ending up satisfied? Not just she does what you want, because it’s what you want.

Think maturely, see the many opps in front of you.

Try to understand what being a modern, complete, empowered woman is really about. It’s much more than sex. Or testing sexual limits.

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Chiming in to strongly second this.

Mass-market comedy movies set at colleges notwithstanding, sex (and alcohol) will take up only a small fraction of your existence as a college student. A very small fraction.

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Seems to me the importance of alcohol/sex at college will vary by student. Doesn’t make one of the right and the others wrong. Just different. Within reason of course. There has been a lot of judgment in this thread. Not surprising for this site though.

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I think it’s the “within reason” at currently being discussed. And by people from a pretty wide range of philosophies and backgrounds.

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Judgment comes from what is written. That’s all we can work with. No one’s insisted on virginity, far from it. Nothing says our forum obligation is to pat every kid on the head.

The point isn’t how decisions will vary. The focus is on this OP. And what comes across, at least here, is some tunnel vision/hyper preoccupation about sex. No mention that her academics or research will balance, that she can “blow off steam” in other ways, that she has other interests, is making friends, has a ‘life of the mind’ or more.

Just sex. FWB, strangers, one nights, same gender, her room, simeone else’s room, a preference for not in the bushes, etc.

And golly, the rm isn’t likely to facilitate this.

I have wondered, at points, if she’s toying with us. Or if the posts represent some other issues.

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^^This thread’s focus is about sex, because that’s the issue the OP posted about. She didn’t post her question to discuss any other topic, except her roommate’s attitude about sex and how to have a sex life in college while maintaining a good relationship with her roommate. That doesn’t mean that sex is her sole focus in life like some of you are implying.

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^ It’s a big enough focus that having sex in the room is one of the stated goals for college:

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Sorry, but I see how it cycled, re-cycled, and we’re back to start. I get it: OP wants sex and lots of it. But by 16 pages over 3 weeks, one could expect some perspective to creep through. Now we’re back to the sleeping bag on the floor and one night stands. And what’s wrong with the roomie, vs introspection. Or frank chat.

Of course, even as a stranger, I’m concerned what’s behind this.