Roommate Bans Boys From Sleeping Over

Student Lounge College Life
201

"I basically am doing all of the compromising, because i let her walk over me. i haven’t said anything about the slow crawl of her stuff from her side of the sink to mine. Or how she likes the lights on in the daytime (and leaves them on when she leaves0. how she doesn’t lock the door. "

Best to tell her now, in a firm but kind fashion. The worst is never saying anything and letting things fester and irritate you or something bad happening then getting pissed off. Your roommate might be a little inconsiderate if she hasn’t had experience with sharing a room before but she’s not a mind reader. Let her know sooner or later what behavior you’d like her to change and inquire whether she might have some suggested changes for you as well.

202

I do hope you consider switching rooms or asking your roommate is she would consider switching. Tinder hook-ups and the roommate’s POV really move into the area of irreconcilable differences. It would probably make both of your lives easier if someone switched.

203

I can’t believe your door doesn’t lock automatically. My daughter had a bathroom in the hall (shared by 5 or 6 rooms), and her room door locked automatically when shut and the bathroom door locked. A male visitor had to go to a hall that had males on it and get one of them to unlock the bathroom, or I think there was a bathroom by the lobby for visitors to the building.

But I’d be very careful about a door next to a stairway. I traveled for business and would not take a room across from a stairway. Someone can hide in the stairway and push you into your room as you unlock it. I don’t know how you access your bathroom but you need to be aware of who is behind doors and leaving your room unlocked even for just a few minutes.

For all your issues, I think locking the door is the one that endangers your safety. If you leave her sleeping in the room, you need to lock the door behind you.

204

The not locking the door situation would be something I’d be very firm about. Agree with @twoinanddone on that one.

Regarding new dorms, @doschicos, I think Harvey Mudd’s new dorm does have some doubles. All frosh have doubles unless they have a medical reason, I think. I think the school thinks this is a good idea so some other human being has an idea what is going on with a student if they get really overwhelmed by the work. They also have older student mentors, resident life deans that live in some of the dorms, and student proctors (like RAs) keeping an eye out, but I think the roommate setup is also intended to be a bit of a buddy system.

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There’s no need to make the OP paranoid. Hidden in the stairwell rapists are a very small fraction of college sexual assaults. If you’re that worried about physical security, you should also be concerned about how it’s almost trivial to pick all but the most high end mechanical key locks within a few minutes or physically force in a door that doesn’t have a quality deadbolt.

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OP said she’s concerned about someone stealing something and making a quick getaway down those stairs. Millions of people rent hotel rooms every year and never have an issue, but I know someone who did so now I’m extra cautious. I don’t prop doors open, I don’t take the room at the end of the hall, especially across from a stairway.

The rest of OP’s door might be high security, requiring a card swipe to get into the building and lots of security cameras. I doubt they can keep track of everyone in the building. I’m really surprised that the doors don’t automatically lock and require a card swipe for that room only to get in. Both my kids had to swipe to get into their rooms. One had to swipe AND enter a code.

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Thank you all for replying. I know that this tread has somewhat morphed and I appreciate you all changing with it.

A small update: I have put up sticky notes on the walls, above light switches etc to “remind” her to turn the lights off and lock the door. It still hasn’t worked. She was the last one in last night and I woke up and the front door is completely unlocked. I don’t feel safe without a locked door, even if I’m in a security camera filled dormitory.

@lookingforward you are absolutely right. i think the idea of (somewhat) confidentality comes into play with what I say and do in person and online. The feelings of adversity towards my roommate are bubbling up and making me rather resent her, which I do not want. Because then we can’t have a clear conversation without anger or judgement.

@bhs1978 yeah, as I said before, the thread has shifted slightly to another issue. The FWB and I are not exclusive to one another. There are people on campus who are much closer and much more available. If we’re both stressed college students looking to burn off some steam in a 40 minute break, I don’t really see that much of a problem. I will watch them enter, watch them leave. There’s nothing really to steal in the room anyhow. I don’t see how that is any different than hooking up with someone in your hall or on campus. I’m just using the ease of an app to find them.

@twoinanddone my dorm is from the 1960s. There is no dorm on campus, not even the one built this past year, that locks automatically. some of the doors close on their own, but none of them lock except the front door where you have to scan to get into the building itself. luckily my bathroom is on the outer wall and between two rooms so that won’t be a problem, but I do worry that leaving the door unlocked at such an easy place will no doubt lead to something going wrong.

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When you wrote this: “I am intent on using my time in college to explore myself, and that includes sexual relationships,” I figured it was just a matter of time before there would be more than just the FWB. And now there’s Tinder and hookups.

You are your roommate are incompatible. Period. File for a room change as soon as it’s allowed.

(The unlocked room is troublesome. Besides the possibility of assault, there is the possibility of theft. And how would you know there is nothing worth stealing? Have you been through your roommate’s closet and drawers?)

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@CarriesBakers Your posts show that this is a stressful situation for you. The resentment will only build over the course of the semester. That is not a positive start to your college experience.

Fwiw, you might not see hook-ups coming into your room as a big deal, but you do already know that your roommate does. These are not small lifestyle differences. They are pretty mammoth. You should talk to her right now about your incompatibility and both of you should look for another roommate/people willing to switch, or speak with an RA about how to go about the process.

Neither one of you needs the added stress of a roommate who has such major lifestyle differences on top of being freshman. There has to be a simpler solution than staying roommates.

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“Burning off steam in a 40 minute break” is TMI.

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OP you may be emboldened by the anonymous format of a forum. But I think you’re very much an 18 year old. You have yet to manage much as an individual, but are focusing on your perceived freedoms, now that you’re away from home.

Leaving post-it notes is “avoidance.” You’d have stranger sex but can’t speak with a same age gal who shares your living space?

I had an expression with my girls: Figure It Out. It partly meant: not that hard, get off the dime, I’m trusting you to handle this now.

And partly, be mature, be wise, you don’t get to be a big girl in some respects (sex) but stay timid in day to day things like handling a necessary conversation.

Seriously.

212

Just a few too many thoughts. I think you need to pick your battles with any roommate. Getting her to lock the room is priority one, and remind her that if she isn’t carrying her key with her, she might accidentally get locked out. As for her other habits, ask yourself if it really matters whether she has a light on or if her belongings are on “your side”. You can ask her to try to be neat and not leave bug attracting food containers out, but then let it go. Putting up sticky note reminders is annoying, in my opinion.
Try to help her out as much as possible with the sleep issue by having your belongings ready to go in the morning to avoid extended rattling around the room. You could also suggest remediation such as a curtain around her bed, eye mask, etc.
The difference between meeting someone on campus vs. online is Safety. If you meet on campus, you at least find out their real name and know that they are really a student. Bringing a stranger into your room extends that risk to your roommate. You will have ample opportunity to meet people on campus and be able to gauge first hand your compatability and their character. Please be careful.
Having any overnight guest in a dorm room while your roommate is there is a pretty big imposition, especially if your roommate has sleep issues. Try to avoid this.
I appreciate that you are a straightforward person. But for me, a discussion about when each of you can expect time alone in the room is enough. A discussion of what you are going to be doing in that private time can be a little TMI. I realize opinions will vary.
I don’t necessarily agree with others that you need a new roommate. Try to respect her boundaries, and let the small stuff slide. See how you both feel in a couple of months.

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I agree with the locked door issue. Just bite the bullet and say it bluntly: “It is not acceptable to not lock our door. I am concerned about theft and worse.” Post it notes are passive-aggressive. Yogurt cups and stuff being on your side of the room are small beans and indicative of a bigger problem. Choose your battles.

I also think @lookingforward has a great point. I am a little concerrned that you might let your new freedoms go to your head. This is not judging, but you need to consider that ANY roommate might be uncomfortable with what may be perceived as promiscuity. It’s perfectly fine for you to want to have a lot of sexual partners, but it isn’t reasonable to assume that any roommate, no matter how open minded, is going to be okay with a lot of different guys/girls being brought back to a shared dorm room over the course of a college year. You are not going to be able to keep it a secret for long, either in the dorm or on campus.

This is a total parent thing to say, but you need to not only consider your reputation, but that of your roommate, any roommate. Sorry, but there are plenty of people, even at college, who will try take advantage if they think something is easy to get, and if they know where to get it. It puts both of you at risk. If you plan to be as sexually active as you imply, then I strongly suggest you save sexual encounters in the room for the people you really care about. Quickie hookups might be best left for non-dorm locations when the opportunity strikes.

I am changing my tune a bit, given the additional feedback you’ve given us here. Yes, you are entitled to bring people to your room when a roommate isn’t there, but I think it’s important to consider that multiple random people, who may not be known well, could in fact steal things or just turn out to be not very nice people. Not very nice people, who you don’t really know, could do anything in your room, including things to your roommate’s side of the room, that you simply can’t predict.

I agree that you seem to be doing the compromising in your current situation, but I also think you have some unrealistic expectations about how much freedom college brings you. Going to college, where you will be living in shared quarters, does not mean you suddenly get to do everything exactly the way you want to do it. You still have much to learn about being a responsible adult and respecting the needs of others.

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Your roommate not locking the door when she leaves the room or not locking the door when she’s the last one to go to bed at night is really not ok. It’s unsafe.

Stop leaving post-it notes. You need to talk to her in person.

Bringing a bunch of Tinder hook ups into your room is not much different than your roommate repeatedly leaving the door unlocked.

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For the record, it is NOT okay to bring people random people who you haven’t met on campus back to your shared dorm room for anonymous sex. I’m not a “judge-y” person but the mom in me wants to warn you to be safe and take precautions. However, if YOU want to take risks, that is one thing but you can’t subject your roommate or dorm mates to those risks. You know your male friend from the nearby school. Fellow students are part of the community. Random strangers you know nothing about are different, IMO.

216

Maybe let those hormone-driven Tinder dates figure where you can have sex, rather than you. Lol, why is this on you and your roommate? Same with the kid an hour away.

This approaches where I have quasi feminist concerns.

I don’t think OP will understand the breadth and subtleties of the reputation aspect, @Lindagaf. It’s not just safety or hanging a red light. It’s what people tend to assume about your decision making, impulse gratification, and this funny thing:

Thinking one’s in control because of a williness for frequent sex with anyone, anytime, can really betray a misunderstanding of what it means to maturely take control of one’s life.

None of that helps “win friends and influence people.”

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^^ I’ve stayed away from posting here for a while, but felt compelled to respond. I’ll leave my own point of view about the behavior itself out.

Just be very, very careful about your own safety. The places that random Tinder dates might choose for sex might not be the ones that provide YOU with the most safety. Being alone in private with someone you don’t know can be incredibly risky. If this is behavior you’re determined to be part of, make sure that you’re in a place where a cry for help could be heard. Make sure that it’s just you and him, not him and a bunch of his buddies. Make sure that some of your friends know where you are, who you’re with, and an estimated time of return. And make sure that, if you’re not back within half an hour of that time, he or she calls for help immediately.

And it’s my sincerest hope that it won’t be necessary.

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Gotta be other ways to let off steam than Tinder sex. For a modern, complete young woman.

Many of us came of age around the time of Mr Goodbar.

Not to mention both impassioned sides of our long Title IX threads. The world isn’t so simple.

219

I wonder whether it’s at all possible that the side of the story we’re hearing now is the one the roommate heard from the beginning, and that it was part of her response.

OP, I’m not your mom. I won’t try to impose my morality on you.

But I would ask that you think through your actions. You’re posing scenarios where gang rape, where an STD, where becoming the next “Missing College Student” headline could be the result of a bad decision.

There are plenty of nice guys who aren’t looking for an easy hookup on Tinder.

220

Exactly what I was thinking.

I don’t have an opinion on the safety aspect, but the rapid reversal of prevailing opinion here is interesting to witness.