I wouldn’t send text messages over something this sensitive. Call her on the phone, and talk to her. She might be more reasonable than she comes off via texts. She doesn’t have the last word, but let’s be honest here…no one wants to hear you and your boyfriend doing whatever…so be a considerate person and realize what you’re asking is a bit much right off the blocks. IMHO this boy is already causing you problems–If he’s worth all this trouble, then have him pay for a nice hotel room if he can’t drive an hour home (please)–make him work a little for it.
Last, see if she’ll agree to a “one weekend a month you each get the room to yourself” schedule, blocking out midterms, finals, or whatever else…it’s not too awfully complicated to figure out. Just be reasonable with her, and if she is too stuck in her ways, then it’s probably best for you to file papers for a new roommate.
Just for the record…not every17 year old who doesn’t want to be put on this position is a puritan
You are so right! I was trying to be funny…sorry to offend anyone. It was stupid of me.
Great thread. OP, I get that you want to sow your wild oats while you are in college. But I have to side with the roomie. If you were asking the roomie if a girl could stay the night, no problem. But it’s a guy. Guys can do nasty things, even if one of you knows he would never do anything to another girl. You have no idea if she has something in her history that makes her not want a guy in the room while she is there. And let’s face it, if he stays the night, she might have to listen. How many of us have been in that most awkward of situations? I have, and no thanks.
Having previously been a young adult, I can tell you that you will just have to be creative. It never seemed to be much of a problem, IMO. It’s fine to ask if she will be out that night, and what time she will be back. Do your thing then. Go behind a bush, rent a car for the night. Find a quiet corner in a dark building. Seriously. I do not think any college student needs a dorm room to have fun. And she holds a trump card at the end of the day, because her money is just as valid as yours. It is perfectly within her rights to say she doesn’t ever want anyone else in the room, let alone a guy.
I suggest you play it cool, be friendly, and get to know her a bit. Let things progress naturally. Once you have gained her trust, you can broach the subject by asking if she plans to be out one night, and until what time. If you respect her wishes, she is more likely to be receptive to maybe letting him stay over eventually. But if not, you really can’t hold it against her.
^^ Well said.
@Lindagaf really does have a great way of getting to the nitty gritty.
One other practical consideration is most men snore, some loudly. If your bf spends the night, the noise could interfere with her sleep.
What? Are you suggesting an adult have sex in a public place? I hope this is sarcasm I’m not picking up on.
I am suggesting they find alternate spots for, as Bob Eubanks so euphemistically phrased it, whoopie, @roethlisburger . Is a quiet corner of a dark building really in public?
Listen, everyone knows I have kids. The time for modesty is long past, right @MACmiracle? :))
@Lindagaf , Not to condone premarital relations or public acts of lewdness, but…
I guess it’s good to know these young folks have some standards… :">
The school my kid will attend has guest rooms that residents can reserve for <$20. Check to see if your school offers anything like this.
You want to have a pretty active sex live in college while having a roommate. Get a hotel. Your roommate lives in that room and has paid for it. Roommate should not have to either find somewhere else to stay or endure you and your guests intimate activity. If this is your expectation in college you need to get a single.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned this already, but at my college there is kind of a no questions asked room change policy where if for some reason rooming doesn’t work out you can request a room change so long as there is a vacancy or someone willing to switch with you. If for some reason rooming together doesn’t work out after discussions and you have tried rooming together, make a friend that you may be interested in rooming together with and see if the roommates would be willing to switch.
From your post I suspect that this might not be the only thing you might disagree on, and although I think differences are good and help you grow, sometimes with a roommate it is good to have someone compatible with you and your own life values.
It might simply be something you can better discuss in person. Your roommate may dig in her heels before meeting because better safe than sorry for her. Once you know each other, it could be reevaluated; maybe there will be a day you’re free and your roommate has a 6 hour block of classes you could work around. But it’s kind of hard to plan ahead for this fully.
There are various religions and cultures in which premarital sex is frowned upon or forbidden.
I’m going to translate some of what your roommate said to you. When she replied to your text with essentially “I’d prefer there to be no male overnight guests,” she’s trying to tell you in a gracious and non-offensive way that she is not ok with male overnight guests.
Here’s what she does NOT mean: “I might be ok with it later after some negotiation. Or I haven’t quite made up my mind, but I’m leaning toward no male overnight guests and I’m flexible.”
She means “No male overnight guests.” No guys sleeping over in the room.
You might want to consider the bigger picture. For example, if the WORST thing with this roommate is that she says no guys staying overnight, then it could be far worse. If you go back and read some old posts here on CC, there are lots of posts over time about roommate issues. You could end up with a roommate who:
- eats your food, doesn't tell you, and then lies about it when confronted.
- flat out steals other stuff of yours
- whenever you're not in the room, lays in your bed, studies in your bed, takes naps in your bed
- never bathes, so the person totally reeks all of the time.
- never cleans her side of the room, so it looks like a bomb went off on her side of the room.
- leaves the room with the door unlocked all the time and your stuff gets stolen as a result.
- borrows your clothes without asking
- or flat out steals your clothes, lies about it when confronted, and continues doing it and doesn't really care about your feelings at all.
- watches TV really loud without head phones late at night so you can't sleep
- makes a ton of noise early in the morning when she gets up so you can't sleep
- says that she doesn't want overnight guests, but then has her own friends sleep over and they take over and do some or all of the above.
- is passive-aggressive and mean
- is drunk or high all the time and stashes her illegal drugs in the room or deals drugs out of the dorm room and doesn't care that you are concerned about you being implicated if the drugs are found by the RA.
Trust me…it could be FAR worse. Having to get creative with finding opportunities to have intimate moments with a boyfriend might not be all that bad when you look at the bigger picture.
No refund from the college for the jettisoned roommate. They paid for the space. They are entitled to be there.
@CarriesBakers If I understood the additional info above, the guy is just a friend and the planned future encounters will be with females? It doesn’t really change her not wanting males to stay overnight and the need for you to plan out private time. I total agree with @tucsonmom. You could have a much worse roommate. I hope your roommate’s beliefs lead her to respect your beliefs and to treat you well. You don’t have to be the same, just drama free. 
This is quoted from one of OP’s comments above. A relationship is possible and they are already acting as “friends with benefits” (i.e. doing things people in a relationship would do, but without the exclusivity/label). I do not think this qualifies as “just a friend.”
What’s the configuration of your dorm? If it’s a classic small double room (not suite style) I can understand her apprehension. Having a guy that you don’t know sleep in the only personal space you have on campus might be a little unnerving, especially if you’re from a conservative Christian household. It’s your job to set boundaries and guidelines that she will feel comfortable with.
The OP’s problem is the seeming entitlement to sex in a shared room. If roommate is against it (for any reason, religious or otherwise), OP should get over it and maybe make other plans for next semester/year.