Yes, @bodangles, I got lost along the way. OP also said “My roommate is not the one that is not straight; I am.”, which I took to mean the roommate is straight and the OP is not.
Yes, work around her schedule for private time and don’t count on anyone sleeping over.
In my experience, most high school relationships do not last into college, especially if you are not going to the same college. You will be going to a new place and meeting new people, many of whom you will have much in common with. You should not design your life around someone you will probably lose interest in once you get involved in work and classes.
Take some time to get used to your new surroundings before you try to make an awkward situation fit.
“One other practical consideration is most men snore, some loudly. If your bf spends the night, the noise could interfere with her sleep.”
Only the old ones. 
Seriously though, the stereotyping of males on this thread is pretty dated.
To the OP, I’d shelve the discussion for now and work on ways you can connect with your roommate at the beginning of the year. Many college freshman start out constrained in their views and stances based on their upbringing but loosen up once at college. May or may not happen, but it is a pretty common transformation.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me with my problem. Much appreciated.
@pineapple1203 our rooms are small double rooms with a shared bathroom. So four girls share a toilet and shower/bath combo instead of having one down the hall. We have sinks in our room. The room is very tiny as well- I’m not sure if we even have enough space to un-bunk our beds.
@tucsonmom Yes, I do understand that it could be worse. As I said before, this may not be the only issue we disagree on as roommates. So thank you.
@nw2this a quick google search showed me that my school has guest rooms, but they seem to be for special guests at our school like lecturers and alum. They run $75 a night. A decent hotel would be cheaper than that. But thank you for bringing something like that to my attention.
After days of multiple opinions and private messages about this issue, I’ve decided that I will wait a while when I am on campus to not only get to know my roommate but also see her true expectations and how she pictures her life at college. If a common ground between my roommate and I just doesn’t work out,then I won’t be too upset, but I hope that it does. And as for the long distance boy- well, I’m sure that he can find what he needs elsewhere. If he truly wants to see me, then he will make the time and effort. And I suppose that rule goes for all people I will meet in college. I hope anyone who finds this thread looking for support for the same problem feel as if they’ve gotten the help that they need from here.
On the other hand, the OP may become more like her roommate. May or may not happen, but it is a pretty common transformation.
I lived with someone in college.
And I have a large family and didn’t have a door on the room my boyfriend and I shared, when he stayed over my parent’s house.
So:
Frankly, either with someone or alone in a shared room with no door, sexual activity is pretty freaking rude and unhygienic. Pay for a single or live off campus. If you can’t afford a single, look off campus asap and usually (not always) rooms are a good bit cheaper for a single off campus.
My son is living with someone, and he had a single in a suite, so there was a door between him and the other people. His girlfriend’s roommates did not want him to stay over in her suite because of safety issues (like he could be a risk to them…). Now they are off campus, again there is a door between them and the others they live in the house with.
I suppose if I was the roommate, I would request a) no one night stands because of safety issues = someone you know more than a few dates, and b) buy a screen or something so there is some privacy both ways, if you don’t want to use a bathroom (which me and my spouse did on occasion before we were married)
And if there are religious reasons your roommate does not want a male guest, and your college allows overnight guests, request a roommate change from the university.
Think about at home with younger siblings - you wouldn’t bang in a room you share with your sibling when they were present, would you?
I totally understand the sexuality active part, but feeling a lot more free than you were at your home may not be possible until you are off campus or out of college.
“you wouldn’t bang in a room you share with your sibling when they were present, would you?”
The OP has stated REPEATEDLY that she has no intention of having sex in the room when her roommate is there. sheesh.
It’s not pre-marital sex if you never plan on getting married!
OP,
You seem very self aware and have a Good way forward I think. You need to know her a bit better to see the why of it (meaning, a man issue, a sex issue, a lover issue, stranger issue), and as you have a few cultural differences already uncovered, if you give it a month to see how she really is, you will know what to say when the time comes, or if you need to move.
Can your friend drive to you, pick you up and you stay with him for the weekend? Or you take a bus there to spend the weekend at his place? Guys seem less concerned with the sleepover thing.
In college I would not have minded an occasional sleepover, but roommates tended to want to do it all the time. I did not care about the sex bc most ppl just don’t. But I also did not want to hear the giggling, snuggling, whispering…romance is so not fun when you just the third wheel! Lol! So if she seems flexible when you meet, maybe assuring her this is occasional, not every weekend will help.
Good luck at school!
Yes…that was exactly my point. The point of the contract is to encourage you to pull up your big girl pants and have the conversation. Do schools actually hand out pre-made contracts now? When I was a freshman in 2005 there was no actual contract given to anyone. The point was for us to come up with our own contract which required us to discuss these things ahead of time and put the agreement in writing so there would be no confusion during the year about what was and was not ok.
OP is absolutely entitled to have sex in her own bed in a shared room when the roommate is not there. OP is not entitled to kick the roommate out but if the roommate is leaving the room of her own volition then it’s fair game while roomie is gone.
I really don’t understand what is going on with this thread. A lot of you are twisting OP’s words to be about things they never said. If people are going to be this judgmental, at least make sure you’re judging them on things they actually said…
Anyway OP, I think you’re handling everything the right way. My roommate and I agreed to not sexile each other (or have anyone on each other’s beds). I think the easiest thing to do is arrange your sexual activities in a time where your roommate won’t be around, or do them in your partner’s room. I chose the latter, and there were no complaints. What is/isn’t possible to do will probably become clearer once school starts, and I wouldn’t stress on it now.
Dr m little old ladies from no PDA days. For some people sexual activity is private. The roomie may be sexually active, but you do not want to be a participant in the activity. Your room is where you both can relax, study, sleep, talk to mothers who have super hearing, having cramps or…
.Somehow the room should be a refuge for both of you. I had no alternative but remain in the room and figure out where I could go that was quiet. It is so unpleasant to be in the room and fear I might disrupt them. It is difficult to concentrate on statistics when the headboard keeps banging. Conversely, I never wanted an audience to private activity. Go to the guys room or somewhere else, cars are good.
Hi all, just an update to this thread in case anyone was getting curious. I meet my roommate in person tomorrow morning. My room is smaller than expected (corner room in front of stairs) which means that the possibility of getting her to compromise is even slimmer. But as I said earlier, thank you for all your input and all the advice you guys have given me. I appreciate it.
I will update again once we get acquainted enough, sort out our schedules, and get used to dorm living.
I just wanted to say good luck with move in day and I hope that everything goes well between you and your roommate!
My update as promised!
So we had to fill out the roommate agreement as I said we would earlier, and she was so troubled by the questions dealing with sexual relationships in the dorm that we had to skip it. We came back to it at the end, and she explained that she didn’t want sex going on in the room AT ALL.
That means that if I were to put down her schedule and match up some meetup times according to it, she still would prefer sex to not be occurring in the room. And she cited her religion for the reason.
I told her my situation with the boy that is long distance, and she said that it would be rude to make him go home, and she offered the idea to befriend a boy on our hall and maybe house him there for the night. I am not too keen on that, because that would strain my relationship with the boy on campus whose room will be used if I don’t play my cards right and everything goes as planned (which that hardly ever happens to me).
Our talk was very brief, and afterwards she rushed off to make a phone call. I hope I didn’t upset her.
I am still completely lost at what to do. I am intent on using my time in college to explore myself, and that includes sexual relationships. There will be times where I will be taking my business elsewhere, but I can’t always avoid coming back to my room. I am unsure whether or not I can swallow sneaking behind her back to engage in relationships on campus. I am really excited to try new things, like spending personal time in my dorm’s space.
Does anyone have some more advice? Perhaps more time under our belts should loosen us up a bit. But what should i do if it doesn’t work out? Get a hotel? Always do it somewhere else? Never do it at all?
Hotel, or his place, or switch roommates with someone. Don’t go behind her back. She’s been clear about what she wants.
It really isn’t strange to have a visiting male friend room with other males. A male friend of mine traveled with a group of my sorority sisters to an away football game. We were staying at the sorority house. He just asked a guy if he could stay at a neighboring frat house and it was fine. Total stranger said ‘sure.’ My daughter lives in a sorority house and her boyfriend visits from OOT. He stays with a friend of hers (male, but could be female) who has an apartment and a couch or if they are feeling rich he gets a hotel. There are hotels for about $50 in their town on non-football weekends.
It works out, really it does. It worked for a hundred years before schools had co-ed dorms or even let males on the female floors.
You might not be too keen on you FWB (friend with benefits) sleeping down the hall in the room of another guy, but if he can’t afford a hotel room, then that’s the only option that you might have other than not having him visit you at all.
Your current long distance FWB might not last. You could end up with a local FWB…somebody who has a place where you could get your game on more easily somewhere else and not bother your roommate.
It’s not just your room, but it’s her room, too. If no sex in the room, what about the bathroom? I’m serious. Is your room in a suite where there’s 1 bathroom shared between 2 rooms?
You will need to either get creative in ways that involve you not engaging in sex acts in your bedroom or you need to not have sex at all or request a roommate switch. Keep in mind, of course, that it might not even be an option right now to change roommates.
You need to go talk to your RA.
Your roommate is not going to loosen up about this. You need to figure out something else for when FWB comes to visit. FWB will need to find his own accommodations or you need to have him not visit you and you should visit him instead.
And if you can’t wait that long, figure something else out. You got into college…I’m sure you can find a way.
If you cannot agree on this (or any other) issue and your roommate refuses to have a meaningful discussion then it is time to ask the RA to step in and help mediate a solution.