Roommate Bans Boys From Sleeping Over

Student Lounge College Life
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Only to those who don’t subscribe to the roommate’s religious beliefs.

In non-judgmental words, this whole roommate issue is essentially one of mutual incompatibility as there’s no possible room for compromise with the roommate’s stated religious beliefs or OP’s right to do what she wants in a room she’s sharing with the roommate.

In less PC terms, their in a “Mexican standoff” regarding the privileging of rights with neither trumping the other nor is there any possible wiggle room for compromise without the other side essentially rolling over in surrender regarding their respective rights.

OP needs to figure out ways to cope, disregard her roommate’s religiously based request for no sex in the room at all and accept responsibility for the consequent enmity and bad vibes from roommate, or put in a request for a hopefully ASAP roommate switch/room change.

Apples and durians.

There’s a gulf of a difference between discussing imposing religious beliefs in a public setting/accommodation such as an airline or public street and desiring one’s religious beliefs be respected in one’s PERSONAL LIVING SPACE.

Two starkly different situational contexts which one shouldn’t muddle when thinking through such issues.

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“Where do we draw the line what the roommate can dictate?”

Why does it seem this refers only to the conservative gal? The OP can have what she wants? Roomie can put up with it or change colleges, text before coming back, ‘respect’ a sock on the door, etc?

In return she gets…?

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Depending on the laws of a given local jurisdiction or campus regulations, there may be restrictions or even prohibitions on placing of one’s tent in many areas on or in public areas around the campus.

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'In return she gets…?"

Not having the guy spend the night which many college roommates would be perfectly fine with. That is the compromise IMO.

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This isn’t the 70s or before, when co-ed dorms and 24 hour visiting, were still somewhat novel. If the roommate wants a place where she can expect others to adhere to her religious beliefs, she should go to a religious school, get a single, or get an off campus apartment.

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I don’t think anyone is saying pitch a tent on the campus quad, go to a near by camp ground, much cheaper than a hotel!

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She gets similar consideration when she has special requests that OP is not comfortable with or accustom to. It is called compromise when you are living with someone. You try to find ways to live with someone peacefully so it is not all or nothing.

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See cobrat, even you said, “roommate’s stated religious beliefs or OP’s right to do what she wants…” Posed as one’s monolithic expectations versus another’s “rights.” And that runs through many posts here.

I have no issue with the sex, in general. I do notice how the arguments here are heaped against someone with a conservative position (rm, not me.)

To my mind, OP “compromising” by putting a sock on the door or asking the gal who also lives there to text, is not compromising.

We know little of the rm, but what if this were about her being Muslim?

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A reminder of a couple datapoints:

[ul][]The OP said that there are rooms available on-campus, and said they’re $75/night, which was characterized as more expensive than other local hotel options.
[]The OP said that FWB lives about an hour away.[/ul]
It seems to me that the OP could very easily not have sex in the dorm room by either shelling out some cash, or making sure they get enough sleep that two hours of driving in a single day isn’t too terribly taxing—and, of course, there’s always the possibility of doing those sorts of things for a short while in the hope that the roommate becomes more comfortable with the topic of sex (which isn’t necessarily a religious issue, BTW) and then bringing up FWB again.

FWIW, my freshman year roommate and I agreed to no sex in our room, based not on religious grounds but on sensitivity to odor on the part of one of us. I’m curious whether an objection on such grounds would have resulted in the sort of responses we’ve seen on the last couple pages.

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^If you’re so sensitive to odors that it bothers you even after the trash has been taken out and sprayed some Febreze, you need a single or maybe even your own apartment. Shared dorm rooms aren’t advertised as hypoallergenic.

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@dfbdfb “based not on religious grounds but on sensitivity to odor on the part of one of us”

I’m trying to understand why this would be an issue - but maybe I don’t want to know. :">

a) If it is what I think it might be, there are easy solutions to that.
b) if it is what I think it might be, it’s hard for me to fathom it being more of an issue than many, many other things that could trigger a person with odor sensitivity in a dorm room occupied by two males than that. :-??

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Basic point is that neither of their rights trumps the other and they’re mutually incompatible based on the religious beliefs of OP’s roommate in OP’s words.

There are many situations where compromises can be made. From the info OP provided about roommate and the fact her absolute objection is based on religious belief, this is basically a textbook case of 100% mutual incompatibility.

Best option for both would be room/roommate changes for more compatible as any compromise would effectively involve either the roommate or the OP surrendering 100% of their respective rights.

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Technically the room is under yours and your roomates name. So if one person doesn’t want guests then no guests. Having someone over is a courtesy the other roommate “can” afford to you. I personally don’t mind as long as I have a heads up but in all honestly there is nothing you can do. Maybe look into switching rooms.

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First off I have to say wow, I did not expect to log into CC and this thread having blown up with 69 notifications and moved from 6 to 10 pages (and as i wrote this, it moved to 11). Perhaps my update bumped it and more people felt the need to comment. Thank you all for sharing, as I said, this is much appreciated and always so informing. I have read and thought long and hard about every single one of your replies.

Since there are so many posts, I will probably do a little FAQ of what everyone has put and then move on to answering any specific questions.

Here is a detailed citing of what happened last night: she let me read that section of the questionnare, and she paused afterwards and said that she still felt the same way, cited her religion, and then added the fact that she didn’t want it happening in the room at all. She asked how i felt about it, and I said something along the lines of that i didn’t quite agree. Then we skipped it, came back to it eventually. She said that she wouldn’t be comfortable with it happening in the room at all, i clarified that she meant even when she was out of it, and she confirmed. We wrote down a couple of question marks in the blank. Then she stepped out.

My roommate has come to me and said that yes, it’s my room too, and I have the right to spend my time within however I choose. I told her about my almost-boyfriend, and she said that she wouldnt feel right denying us time. But as I said before, boys cannot stay over and sleep in the room.

She let me know a weekend in late September that she will be back in her hometown to attend. And I believe that this is a start. I mentioned to her the ‘dont ask don’t tell policy’ of putting our schedules and the person who doesn’t have classes can have the room to do whatever they choose. She seemed a little hesitant to agree, but eventually she said that it would work. People say things all the time, however, so we will see once school starts and we get settled how true her words have actually been.

First, my school. it is a liberal arts college in North Carolina. It does have a roommate change policy but it doesn’t enact until November. And it has to be signed and approved by both roommates. So getting a room change is rather difficult at my school. they do have singles, and they were for first years, but it would have been even more expensive (the tuition is already a little over 70k, again, an affluent school and students) and are extremely limited. the double was the second cheapest option, next to a triple, and those are also in short supply. As I have said before, the roommates and dorm choice were selected by random with no regard to race, gender, social status, religion, place of origin, etc. I guess it was just bad luck that she and I ended up with one another.

I do feel that my sexual life is personal information to my roommate. I’ll never know all that she does, and she doesn’t need to know all I do either.

Please note that i will take all and any options to warn her before hand if I spend intimate time with someone. We have a whiteboard that we communcate with on our door, and I could use a sock or a hair tie on the knob to ask for some privacy, or at least some time to get decent before she has to enter for something. but my room is in the corner and right in front of the stairs, and I could accidentally let my entire hall know what I’m up to.

I do believe all of you when you say I just drew the short straw. We have had other problems outside of sex, with the room and bathroom situation to name a few. I’ve already gotten accustomed to living in the ROOM, so changing might be more of a hassle. But I still have only known her personally for one day.

My dorm does not have visiting hours. Hell, my floor has both males and females on it. So it’s bascially a 24 hour all day kind of thing. It’s a lot of freedom. I am not sure if she knew that coming in or not. All the dorms are co-ed. She also seemed to get visibly upset when she went to use the bathroom and our suitemate had a boy in her room, in her bed. It wasn’t even our room. This was after she agreed to allowing me some time with the room when she was absent, so I feel that this issue is not yet over.

If I am a sinner, oh well. i’m here for a good time not a long time. I care about how she feels of course but I don’t want her to walk over me. if she walks over me with this, then what else will she get away with?

Are there any other questions that I missed? about my roommate or myself or my campus? Please let me know any more detail you need so that i can get a clear answer and you all can have the correct context for my situation.

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@roethlisburger & @doschicos, it wasn’t my sensitivity, but it was basically being really sensitive to body odors. No problem for me—I prefer showering twice a day, anyway. Didn’t seem enough to make a fuss over, really.

But the larger question remains: Is the reaction the last few pages at least in part to the OP’s roommate characterizing it as a religious issue? If it was something entirely else, would people be drawing the same lines? Probably yes in part, sure, but I have my doubts that it would be quite the same discussion.

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@CarriesBakers Glad to hear your roommate thought things through and is willing to compromise at least somewhat. Even if things don’t work out long-term, it’s great you two are communicating clearly and honestly with one another. The first days can be rough as you are two strangers from different backgrounds trying to get to know one another and cohabitate. I’d advise being patient the first few weeks or so.

@dfbdfb For me, nothing to do with religion. In your own scents situation, I’d say the same thing - compromise, there are solutions to the “scentsitivity” :), otherwise someone like that needs a single. Your old roommate was lucky to have someone willing to give in - and shower frequently.He could have had big issues with other roommates.

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You sound like a mature young woman, OP.
This stuff often isn’t easy. Hope you have fun. One way or another. I’d be interested to hear,later, how this works out, if it does, etc.

I’m guessing more of us could share our close calls or embarrassments, lol.

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@CarriesBakers “We have had other problems outside of sex, with the room and bathroom situation to name a few.” What are the other issues?

Do you and your roommate share a bathroom with the suitemates?

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@CTTC sleeping habits comes to mind first. I like night lights in the room (scared of the dark). She likes it pitch black. And I’m an early riser in the morning, once I’m up I’m up. She says that she’s a light sleeper in the morning. I woke her up yesterday morning just opening my closet. As I said earlier, she likes the room pitch black. And she went to bed early last night, meaning that I had to close my computer and put my laundry away in the dark. She also tends to forget her key in the room while I’m away, and she often doesn’t lock the door. (she also doesn’t recycle but that’s just me nitpicking kind of). She brought a lot of stuff to college, so it was kind of expected for her items to “run” the room. But I’ve made sure that my stuff isn’t all over the place, and she has yet to adjust. I think this sharing of space is rather new to her since she comes from an affluent family. And yes, my roommate and I share a shower/tub and a toilet with two other girls. Our suitemates don’t like us all that much. At least we have that in common.

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@lookingforward Thank you. I plan to keep updating the thread as my time goes on. Classes start 28 August, so we should start to fall into a schedule of when the room is open the following two weeks or so.

And to all in the thread: I welcome all experiences and anecdotes and advice about your roommates and awkward sexual encounters. The thread took a hard left after I updated, and I would like a little more high-spirited conversation and some validation that I’m not the only one going through this. I’ve talked with a few of my friends, but they aren’t necessarily sexually active or their roommate isn’t quite around anyways. I think that my few friends had no trouble with that question.

Thank you all for sharing.