I know this doesn’t really help anything -but in general I am not convinced that sharing a bedroom with a stranger is a good idea for anyone. I am sure it is a financial decision but it seems to me that roommates that share sleeping quarters is just asking for trouble
Good luck CarriesBakers!
There are large numbers of college students at universities/colleges across the country who are sharing bedrooms with a stranger. Not necessarily a financial decision. Just that large number of dorm rooms are one room with two (and sometimes three) beds.
@dfbdfb The discussion was about religion because that is the reason the OP’s roommate gave. If there is another reason (like the one you had with your roommate) there can be other solutions/compromises/work arounds. Someone noted allergies. I think the same analysis applies. If you have severe allergies that pose very serious health risks, I think you should look at a single room. Dorms typically involve living in close quarters with multiple people. Beyond your roommate, kids often have suite mates sharing space. And entire floors often share bathroom facilities. And the friends of all of those people are often there as well. Difficult to control for all of those variables even if you reach an agreement with your roommate. The more the issue moves away from true problem (such as religion, allergies, etc.) towards preferences the room for compromise/work arounds should come in (at least to me).
Hmm…thinking here…perhaps your roommate has been really used to having things her way at home all the time and hasn’t ever had to share a bedroom with someone else.
If it was me, I would find the whole “the room has to be pitch black” to be really annoying. An easy solution to that is for your roommate to use one of those sleep masks. You shouldn’t have to put laundry away while stumbling around in the dark. That’s ridiculous.
Same thing for noise issues…some roommates have to have it totally & completely quiet and on top of it, they’re light sleepers so any little noise wakes them up. To those folks, I highly recommend that you invest about $30 in a white noise machine…Target sells them and you can find them on Amazon, too. My kids have both slept with one for years now. You can also download white noise “music” to your smart phone and play it on a Bluetooth speaker if you don’t want to go out and purchase a white noise machine/clock radio thing.
Your roommate has a lot of clues to get and a lot of growing up to do, I think.
I was partly concerned some of this was an auto reaction to the rm proclaiming she’s “I’m a Christian,” the way we often stereotype in extremes.
The thing about light from the laptop and mornings, that riles me up, lol. You do have a right to late night studying and, assuming you’re quiet, if she wakes when the closet door opens, that’s beyond your control. Imo, one choosing to go to bed “early” shouldn’t dictate. Now, she needs to compromise. Give some, get some.
Having had a roommate who would play music, talk on the phone, and insist on using a desk lamp as bright as the sun until 2 or 3 am when I had 8 am classes the next morning…the one who stays up late shouldn’t get to dictate what is an acceptable noise or light level either. They’re not the ones who have to try to sleep through it.
“I was partly concerned some of this was an auto reaction to the rm proclaiming she’s “I’m a Christian,” the way we often stereotype in extremes.”
My first post when OP came back and said the roommate wanted to dictate behavior in the room when she wasn’t there included an analogy from me about a roommate that was vegan. It’s not about religion (I’m all for people’s rights to worship how they choose - or not). To me, it’s about not dictating your own beliefs - religious or otherwise - on others and infringing on their own rights.
Honestly, I didn’t see any poster here "auto reaction to the rm proclaiming she’s “I’m a Christian”. :-??
As far as going to bed early and noise, we need more info on what the OP defines as “early”.
Reading about the other issues makes me more than happy that the incredibly brief roommate-matching survey my D17’s college used did include acceptable noise levels and preferred sleep hours.
@saillakeerie I didn’t phrase that very well. What I was trying to say was that although 2 or 3 or even 4 people to a room is a common occurrence at almost all American colleges I am just not sure it is a good idea. I imagine it is a financial consideration for the college -not the student. I know it is normal I just feel like it is one of those things we all accept because it is so common - but in reality maybe isn’t that natural. I didn’t mean to imply it is a bad decision on the part of the students . I have a daughter sharing a room right now and not hating it -but not loving it either.
I feel like in an ideal world that there would be mostly single sleeping spaces with shared living and eating spaces. I know that isn’t going to happen. Sorry I wasn’t clear.
Not at ALL. The only thing I can think while reading this thread is I am soooo glad I never have to share a room ever again. I started dating my boyfriend immediately (like, move-in day) and was incredibly fortunate that I always had roommates who were also in relationships, so they would leave half the time to be with their own boyfriends and give us the room to ourselves. People on here seem to scoff at the “need” to have this private time in the dorm but I totally get it. Yeah, no one is going to die without it, but if we were limited to having to book a hotel room once every other month when we could afford it and somehow be transported there, it would’ve just sucked and been different. We were walked in on once (mortifying), had a note slipped under our door that we were being too loud (hilarious because we were all good friends), stuff happens. You are so not alone in this.
Of the colleges I’m most familiar with, no new living space is being created in the traditional double dorm room set-up. Most are singles or some kind of suite set-up that allows for individual space. I think you have a good point, @veruca. Demographics of Americans have shifted over the generations. People are having less children, houses have gotten bigger on average, with more bathrooms, etc. I think students come to college now with less experience sharing than in the past.
I am a light sleeper who likes things pitch black and deathly quiet. I cover my eyes and use earplugs when needed. I am the one with very particular sleep habits, so I adjust myself as much as I can, but I am going to be annoyed if someone insists on clacking away at a computer or banging drawers at midnight.
If someone has early classes, or even likes to go to bed earlier, you should both have a mutually agreed upon time for lights out and quiet hours. Sounds like your roommate is really not willing to compromise. I am surprised that the housing questionnaire didn’t ask questions about noise and sleep times. I suggest you both talk again about sleeping times and noise. Involve the RA if necessary. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t address it.
Dos,
Yeah, well. I think we’re past that. Or hope so. I thought the wording implied much focus on how the rm needed to change (prefs, rooms, even find another school) because she’s the extremist.
Well, she is in the extreme based on her views relative to other college students, regardless of whether it is driven by religious or other reasons. Most college students would not be that uptight about the sexual activity of their roommates if they weren’t subjected to it. The majority of college students are sexually active. Her desire for her roommate to never have sex in the room they share does make it an extreme stance. Religion might be the reason for her views but it is the view itself and the desire to dictate to her roommate, not religion, that was being addressed. There’s a difference.
Rebeccar, I think you will be sharing a room soon, for some long while. Marriage doesn’t make the compromises easier.
My kids were sexually active. Still, as freshmen, D1 and 2 of 3 other roomies seriously objected to the bf who stayed overnight. Or was in the room when the gal wasn’t. Partly, the time and privacy. Partly cuz he was FWB, that gal wasn’t that interested beyond warm body.
D1 had FWB. She said, I don’t care who’s there when I’m elsewhere (overnight or into the wee hours,) but when I come back to my own room…
Dos, sure I can see one telling the other she prefers no sex in the room. That’s just her input. And then the harder chat begins. I’m ok with: what she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. But asking her to look for a sock on the door? There must be other ways to find successful privacy. Heck, how many of us found it in our SO’s family homes, without the parents realizing?
Thing is, you don’t really get your own “half” of the room. After bed, dresser, closet you’re sharing the whole.
Yes, I now see the rm’s other expectations and some immaturity (or at least, initial inflexibility,) about them.
I have an issue with the sock thing, in general. A sort of feminist hesitation.
“Rebeccar, I think you will be sharing a room soon, for some long while. Marriage doesn’t make the compromises easier.”
It’s a heck of a lot easier when you can pick your own roommate based on compatibility. 
“how many of us found it in our SO’s family homes, without the parents realizing?”
IN the home, though, right? Besides, OP’s dorm room is her home now, right? Therefore she has the right to engage in desired activity that isn’t observed by the roommate. Anyway, it sounds like the roommate has relaxed a little and adjusted her thinking. Time will tell whether it works out or not.
Dos, in the home, without making them aware. Without flaunting our actions agsinst their views.
I don’t see the OP desiring to flaunt anything. She’s just openly discussing with a new roommate her own personal expectations and wants. Flaunt seems a like a loaded word choice.
If the dorm room was the size of a house, there would be no discussion. I don’t see the corollary between the situation being discussed in this thread and having sex in parents’ home. The limited size of a dorm room is part and parcel of the discussion at hand.
DH’s bedroom was 2 doors down, lol.
This is friendly chat, between you n me, right? By flaunt, I did mean “in your face.” Asking her to stick to a sched of when she’s out of the room, text if coming back, or look for a sock on the door is putting the issue smack in her orbit. It’s not don’t ask, don’t tell. Not private.
Friend of mine had this issue. The room mate had a boyfriend and wanted privacy. They came to an agreement just as most of you suggest. The room mate broke up with the boyfriend and started bringing home a different guy all the time. Soon it was no longer just when my friend was gone. More and more times she came home to the proverbial sock on the door and being sexiled. This happened during finals week also. Friend called her mother crying saying she had no where to sleep and no where to study and she had a huge final the next day. Her mother told her it was her room too and she needs to go back to her room to study and sleep. She walks in and a large stranger is sleeping in HER (my friends) bed.
Ultimately she walked up to a large gentleman twice her size and say “get the f out of my bed”. She was lucky he was to stunned to do anything else but ultimately she was put in a dangerous situation because of this. There is more to this story that I can’t repeat here but it was not good.
I’m not saying the OP would go this far but the moment you start putting socks on the door you are overstepping the boundaries of said agreement. A sock on the door says “you are not allowed to come into your own room”. Once agreements are made people try to stretch those agreements. And while the OP here sounds very reasonable and respectful there is no guarantee any said partner is also.
Maybe the room mate should have asked for a single room but then again if the OP is so set on having to have sex in her room maybe she should have been the one to ask for a single room. Either way they both need to be respectful of each other and figure out a way to be cohabitants without infringing on the others rights. No one is completely wrong in this situation!!!