<p>No, actually I’m absolutely right. The rules for their living arrangement say that overnight guests are allowed. If her roommate doesn’t like the living arrangement she shouldn’t have signed up for it. I would try to accommodate the roommate if possible, but unless there is somewhere else he can stay (which, by the way, would be MORE awkward) it just isn’t going to happen without MAJORLY inconveniencing the OP.</p>
<p>edit: Is everyone just mentally skipping over the part where she’s allowed to have overnight guests?</p>
<p>There are no “rules” according to the op- it’s just what these quasi-RA’s recommend. That means that since the op and the roommate are equally living in the same room and paying the same amount, the rules are made between the two of them.</p>
<p>If the roommate is uncomfortable, then she gets the say-so.</p>
<p>“This could also become a safety issue. I know someone (firsthand, btw), who had a problem with this that turned very ugly.”</p>
<p>I have firsthand experience with that myself. I really think it’s naive to not see the safety issue in just blindly trusting whoever your roommate decides to bring into the room. More of the same “oh it’s never going to happen to me” mentality you see all over the place.</p>
<p>"edit: Is everyone just mentally skipping over the part where she’s allowed to have overnight guests? "</p>
<p>For most normal human beings, common courtesy overrides the basic rules set down by the university.</p>
<p>No, she doesn’t get the say-so. The OP is not a doormat. And maybe it’s a safety issue if it is some random guy, but these are grad students and it is her long term boyfriend. That argument falls flat on it’s face.</p>
<p>Common courtesy goes both ways. He isn’t coming up there every other weekend, and she has to deal with it the three or four days of the entire year that he is. Or not, and the roommate can find somewhere else to go. Her poor social adjustment is not the OPs problem. Policy is on the OPs side, the RA is on the OPs side. Come on people.</p>
<p>“No, she doesn’t get the say-so. The OP is not a doormat. And maybe it’s a safety issue if it is some random guy, but these are grad students and it is her long term boyfriend. That argument falls flat on it’s face.”</p>
<p>So grad students are somehow less capable of being bad people than undergrads, and just because SOMEONE, somewhere was willing to date this guy, that means he must be safe? To the roommate this IS just some random guy. And MY argument falls on its face?</p>
<p>I’m no lawyer but I would bet that in this situation a roommate legally has veto power with regard to overnight guests, or any visitors for that matter. Normally, when renting a space with someone else you get a feel for the their living choices and the necessary compromises ahead of time so this wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t believe anyone would be legally obligated to have a non-paying person stay in their home.</p>
<p>Her roommate doesn’t have to feel safe and comfortable with the OP’s bf. Just because the Op is dating him doesn’t make him safe.</p>
<p>I’ve known women students who were dating abusive men, felons, drug addicts and guys who’d put the moves on other women. I think it’s reasonable for your roommate to not want to share a room with a male stranger for 3 days.</p>
<p>Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean there’s evidence for her to feel safe sharing a room with him.</p>
<p>That’s because you’re naive. <em>shrug</em> I don’t really know what to tell you. It’s not like I walk around constantly on my guard, but sometimes you have to use a little common sense. There is a middle ground between walking out the door in a suit of armor and blindly trusting anyone who walks through a door. Knowing what northstarmom has said about the kind of men some women are willing to date, which I assume you know is not inaccurate, on what logical basis can you assume it is safe to live in a one room apartment with a stranger for three days? Just because a guy is someone you know’s boyfriend doesn’t mean you can assume he’s cool to be around all your stuff while you’re not there and cool to be alone in a room with you and your roommate while you’re sleeping. If the girl whose guest it is is cool with the guy that’s her prerogative but she knows him and was able to make a choice whether or not to trust him based on her experiences with him, the other girl doesn’t know him and is forced to take her word for it. For some people that isn’t acceptable, and knowing the kind of men some women accept, I don’t think that’s unreasonable.</p>
<p>I agree with chuy on dchurricane on this one, I think it’s very reasonable for a roommate to have a boyfriend visit. It kind of comes with the territory of living with people.</p>
<p>It’s 3 days out of 8 months! I’ve had plenty of roommates over the years and plenty of their boyfriends/flings hanging around. If I can’t even trust a roommate not to bring sketchy men into the apartment, I really have no business living with that person in the first place.</p>
<p>I DO think the roommate has the right to say he can’t stay over, but that doesn’t mean I think she’s being reasonable.</p>
<p>It may have nothing to do with the roommates sense of security, but rather with her sense of modesty and privacy. While it may not be the most typical reaction in this situation or even considered “reasonable” by most, everybody has their own attitudes and comfort level with these things and hers needs to be respected.</p>
<p>Seriously, the OP is totally in the green with this. And not just that I think the OPs roommate can have the ****ing decency to suck it up for 3 DAYS out of a WHOLE year to let her roomates LONGTERM boyfriend stay over. I think if I met 50% of the people posting on this thread in person I would immediately dislike you. In my view, you’re so selfish and concerned about yourself that you cannot even in the slightest go out of your way to accomodate and help someone else (your roommate and living companion no less).
</p>
<p>@Johnson181,
I am very sorry about your friends assult situation.</p>
<p>I just want to jump into the convo and add that I have been with my boyfriend for years. He is a college graduate and has a very well respected engineering job in FL (which is why he didnt move to NY with me, since my masters degree is only 8 months). He is a very safe person and there will not be a time when my roommate is left alone with my bf. We will also not be at the dorm during the day because I do want to respect my roommates personal space. He also would never steal anything from my roommate (her stuff is all old and outdated lol) and my bf is a bit of a “geek” (has every electronic he could ever want haha).</p>
<p>Lets keep the discussion going… I really have enjoyed everyones responses and seeing each side of the arguement is helpful for me and this decision.</p>
<p>Seriously. 4 years of college plus another of living with roommates, I’ve never heard of people being so concerned about male visitors. But I guess I’m just terribly naive to the ways of the world!</p>
<p>Hah, and OP, your posts have seemed very understanding and seems like you’re trying to be reasonable and respect your roommate. I, for one think you’re in the right here.</p>
<p>OP do you have a friend your roommate can go stay with for the 3 days? Or even someone you both could stay with those three days? That seems like a reasonable solution if the roommate is freaked by having a guy in the room. I also like the curtains idea. It could be a temporary curtain. Is there a couch in the studio? Maybe he could sleep on the couch for those three nights if the roommate is freaked by the fact that you would be sleeping with the guy. I think it might help to find out what the roommate is really afraid of. Ask her if she’d feel diffeent if you had a 2 bedroom or even a one bedroom. It might help to get to the root of the roommates problems. I, too, feel sorry for you it’s such a minor thing at your ages.</p>
<p>I dont have a friend he can stay with. I just moved to NY less than a month ago for my grad school program. I am also a Social Work major… so all the friends I have met, are female and I wouldnt want to inconvenience them with my bf (plus, I really dont know them enough yet to ask them to let me bf stay over). I wish I had a close guy friend here he could stay with (or both of us could stay with), but I dont.</p>
<p>Honestly, I would tell her to get over it. If you want a guest to stay with you for the 3 days she’s there- out of the whole year you’re living together- then she needs to get over it, especially since you’re paying half of the rent. </p>
<p>So, she’s uncomfortable. Whatever. You’re uncomfortable with the fact that you can’t have guests over as you please. You both have to deal with discomfort. You shouldn’t bend only to her discomfort if she won’t bend to yours.</p>