Roommate problems- she doesn't want to allow me to have my boyfriend over

Just out of curiosity if you become a RA and someone brought this issue to your attention, how would you handle it?

I think communication is really important because that seems to be something that is really lacking right now. I definitely think that if either roommate has a problem with the other one’s behavior to bring it up and work it out right away so that situations like this don’t arise where little things build up until there’s an explosion because then emotions are high and its harder for both sides to get their point across. Like if earlier she had said, hey I have a problem when your boyfriend is here, then we could’ve worked something out sooner rather than having a huge argument over text. Also in a situation of disagreement like this, I would probably ask both sides to come up with a possible solution and then go over those proposed solutions and sort of compromise on them and mesh them together. Also I think the deeper issue here is here dislike for me in general which is something that needs to be talked about because although she says she doesn’t have an issue it is pretty clear that she does because she basically refuses to be in the room with me at the same time and when in similar situations with me or my roommate she has drastically different responses.

Talking things out is hard an awkward but I’m definitely a supporter of laying everything on the table and going from there because if all the information isn’t out there how can we come to a good solution

I was interested to see how you would answer post #40 because your earlier posts (#31 and #32) come across as someone who is not being considerate. You are putting the burden on your roommate to tell you when you have gone too far. If three people share a suite, no roommate should have to inform the other that their boyfriend spending every saturday afternoon/ evening in the room is too much. You and your boyfriend should find some activities between the two colleges where you can meet and spend time together. Take walks, go hiking, take advantage of free activities in the area. Instead of complaining that your roommate is not being accommodating by texting you before she returns, be happy she has not yet reported you. I doubt you would be considered to be an RA next year if she started to complain about how difficult it is to live in her own dorm room. I imagine the size of the room is barely sufficient for 3 people let alone a BF that is hanging out there all of the time.

Her complaining to her friends or my RA doesn’t get me rejected, that’s just kind of silly. Having my boyfriend over isn’t going to get me a write up if she decides to go as far as to the hall director. A lot of roommates have problems. In fact I’m discussing things with my RA tomorrow because hopefully she has some ideas that are better than “go to a hotel if you want to have time with your boyfriend” because that is just unrealistic. I want to work things out with my roommate but sometimes its hard for the two of us to communicate and my RA’s facilitation could be helpful. Personal conflicts don’t discount the fact that I will be a very good RA, so please don’t try to say I won’t be considered (when I’ve already basically been accepted) when you don’t even know me.

I can’t read my roommates mind that she has a problem with something. When she consistently goes out on saturdays even before my boyfriend started coming over, how should I know that she suddenly wants to be in the room instead

Ack, this thread makes me see red. OP, you’re not in a living situation in which you can get physical with your boyfriend. You don’t even have a door on your bedroom! Your roommates have no responsibility to tell you when they’re coming home. And if they walked in on you in an uncomfortable situation, it wouldn’t be their problem, it would be yours when they complained about you to the RA. I frankly don’t think you’re ready to be an RA if you can’t understand all of this.

Trust me, I get it. I’ve been dating my boyfriend from freshman day 1 all through graduation and beyond and this has always been an issue. It sucks because of course you want to be able to spend quality/private/intimate time together, but the reality of college dorm life is that it’s not always possible. This is why it’s so expensive to have a single / 1 bedroom. But when they’re paying to live there, unfortunately they get priority over him 100% of the time. In college, most people need to get creative. Roommate has class from 1:15-2:30? Guess that’s when we’re having romantic alone time. What I would do is sit down with her and acknowledge there has been some misunderstanding of the rules and you really want to work with your roommates and make them comfortable. Instead of passively stewing over the fact that Roomate1 is allowed to have her boyfriend over with X parameters and you’re not, bring it up - “can we clarify what the agreement is?” I would also make plans at the START of the week so there’s no surprises. “Hey, boyfriend and I want to watch a movie at some point this week. When would be a good night and time for us to do that?”

Thanks for a good response #47. Usually my roommates go out or are at sorority events on saturdays so i don’t think it would be too difficult for them to say hey I probably won’t be home until 12 or whenever. We don’t really have many rules in place in our room regarding guests (only not past 11 on weeknights without asking) so maybe setting something up would be good.

Spring break is coming up soon so just wait and take him home with you and have sex in your own room and make out on the couch all you want in your living room. I’m sure parents won’t mind your request to text before coming home from work so they won’t walk in on you if you are making out in the living room.

@3scoutsmom -

My laugh of the day, from a mom of 4 scouts!

I think that it is important to set ground rules from the onset of a rooming agreement . You’ve already stated in an earlier post that you have broken the rules on occasion. When you do that, the message it sends is " it doesn’t matter what you want or think ,my needs are more important than yours and yours don’t matter" Of course, most people would be irritated by that. Your boyfriend is a guest, she is a resident . She is paying to live there. It is her home right now. She shouldn’t feel like she needs to attend a sorority function or go to the library to give you space to entertain all day. I would have to agree with @MaineLonghorn that you aren’t ready to be an RA when you can’t see other’s point of view.

Are all of the beds in one room? If not put up a tension rod with curtains to give yourself some privacy.

A tension rod won’t block the noise.

Sorry…go to the BFs room. So,what if you inconvenience his roommate. Why should,that matter to,you. You don’t seem to care about inconveniencing yours.

He only has one roommate to coordinate with and you have two. Isn’t easier to deal with only one person’s schedule than two? He can also tell his room that he needs to switch beds so he can have the un-lofted bed to accommodate your need for space for intimacy.

I really don’t see why your relationship is the responsibility of your roommates. As a parent that is paying for my daughter’s dorm I’d be pretty ticked if her roommate was bringing in an extra non paying person and expecting my daughter to make accommodations that she did not feel comfortable with.

Sheesh. Go get a room. Your roommates are not responsible for your intimate time.

This thread has got me thinking … maybe I should send some sort of gift to my D’s roommate thanking her for being such a kind and considerate roommate. Thanking my lucky stars D didn’t have to deal with any roommate issues especially like this!

^@3scoutsmom, I feel the same way! My D never has any drama with her roommate. They’re not best friends, but they’re compatible and considerate of one another.

What exactly did the roommate say in the text fight? What exactly is she upset about?

I’m still not clear–if she’s gone all the time, how does she know he’s even there all the time?

You say she says she isn’t upset but you both must be if you got in a huge text fight. ?

@thumper1 I meant to hang out in her room, not to have " alone" time.

Easy fix.

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