<p>I agree with Iron Maiden. Your D should handle it. Almost everyone has some kind of roommate issues. These sound typical- especially the boy in the room issue. This is exactly the scenario that should have been anticipated in their initial discussion about “room rules”.
But Mom stepping in is just exacerbating the situation. It sounds like you have already advised her: talk to the R.A., assert yourself, change roommates, etc. Now it is up to her to follow through and do those things. If she doesn’t, it means she doesn’t really care that much. Yes, the roommate is a b…, but as someone pointed out, so are many people in life- at work, in the PTA, future in-laws. This is a teachable moment in how to deal with difficult people.</p>
<p>The room is your daughter’s room too. By leaving (for the privacy) it made it seem like the roommate was entitled to the room. I think your daughter is very sweet, but obviously the roommate is going to take advantage. Next time, your daughter should just come into the room with her friend. Watch a movie, pop some popcorn…even if it’s 3 a.m. Maybe the roommate and “friend” would have left if all the lights had been turned on. </p>
<p>By the way…did the roommate clean the bathroom after this “visit” by a guy :)</p>
<p>*“Does anyone else think it was a deliberate act by her RM to have this boy stay the night on the exact night that my D was planning to have her girlfriend stay overnight?”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Heck yes!!! This roomie is a manipulative witch. And, your D is a sweetie. Your D needs to involve the RA, but also let this brat know that in the future, your D will be in the room whether she has a boy there or not!</p>
<p>It’s amazing that this brat thought that she could insist that your D not have visitors when SHE wasn’t there, yet she obviously thinks it’s ok…and thinks that the roomie can’t even return to her own room.</p>
<p>Princess Brat needs to be knocked upside the head with some straight talk…pronto.</p>
<p>The next time D complains about the roommate situation, tell her something like: Honey, this is taking up too much of your and my energy. We’ve talked about this before, and I suggested that it’s time to bring in the RA and to assert your power. Let’s not talk about this again until after that happens, and you can let me know how it went. Unfortunately, we encounter plenty of manipulative people in our lives who try to take advantage of us. Think of this as practice for later.</p>
<p>Your D sounds like a really sweet kid who needs to learn to stand up for herself. It’s time to kindly let her know that you expect and encourage her to handle this herself. So don’t engage her anymore about this until she takes the necessary steps to handle business.</p>
<p>Your D should not go to RA unless her own efforts do not bring the desired results. My sophomore year I had 3 other RMs. One was constantly doing things I found annoying, but I silently tolerated it. While venting to a friend, she said, “You need to tell her, not me.” It was a real eye opener and I have thought back to those works many a time. This will be a learning experience for your D if she handles it herself AND asserts herself.</p>
<p>While everyone suggests a bit of assertiveness training (which a lot of us could use) and seeing the RA (good suggestion), it is important to realize that manipulative people (ie RM) thrive on the conflict they cause. They are not usually mediator-worthy because they don’t want mediation or resolving the conflict since that would end the game they have been playing so well. It is a game to them and when you are the unwilling player sometimes the best way to end the game is to bow out. When one problem is seemingly solved be aware that the next level of the game is coming.</p>
<p>“when D goes to the RA, the RM will say that she would have asked the boy to leave if your D had said something, and she had no idea your D was waiting for him to leave, etc., etc., etc. Your D will probably have to press the issue at the time it’s occurring.”</p>
<p>I agree. And it’s actually a pretty good point. The RA is supposed to step in when the residents’ efforts to get along fail, not when they’ve made no effort. That said, if there is a chance to transfer rooms, I’d grab it. There will be other opportunities to practice asserting oneself. Living with a jerk is not worth it.</p>
<p>Okay, I realize this won’t be a popular opinion, but it seems that the parent is too involved in this situation. This is a cat in a paper bag situation… if you leave the cat alone with its struggles, it will work itself out of its problem. </p>
<p>I’m not saying to not listen to the daughter (to a reasonable extent) but that at some point the parent is best off saying “What do you want? How can you make that happen? I support you and believe you can make this work and are capable enough to find solutions (ei: a RA, etc) to handle this.”</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>an include toilet cleaning in the “straight talk” that she has with this RM…for goodness sake. Your poor daughter.</p>
<p>Way back in my day, my roommate’s HS boyfriend would sometimes spend the night. It didn’t stop me from having friends sleep over. </p>
<p>This RM had plenty of private time with boyfriend while your daughter was at the concert. RM should have had an idea of their return time. I would advise my daughter to just allow frined to sleep over.</p>
<p>Time to call your D’s counselor/therapist and then schedule a visit with the RA.</p>
<p>The roommate needs a wake up call. She gets to clean the bathrooms half the time, she has to follow the same rules as your D re guests/overnight guests/male guests. Get the RA on the phone, explain the social anxiety issues and get this resolved before it gets any worse. </p>
<p>Sorry, once your D and her guest returned from the concert private time for RM and friend was over…this RM has figured out that your D doesn’t want conflict and is taking advantage of her. Intentional or not (yes, I think it was), it’s nuts.</p>
<p>OK, the first thought in my head was “problem solved”. RM didn’t want guests, but then invited a guest. Null and void on that issue. RM didn’t bother to ask your DD, so again, game over. DD should tell (not ask) RM when she is having guests. Or not tell her, since she didn’t offer the same courtesy. </p>
<p>They should talk, but DD needs to stand up to RM and let her know she is going to have her life at college too.</p>
<p>Not only should she have barged in with her friend on the RM and BF, she should have invited the entire floor to come in and cheer on the action. Everyone could have had a hearty laugh and moved on. </p>
<p>Obviously, the no guests policy is moot and no longer in effect. Problem solved. </p>
<p>Nobody can walk on you if you don’t let them.</p>
<p>^^^^^</p>
<p>Too funny! </p>
<p>And, likely the RM would have requested to move and then all problems would be solved. :)</p>
<p>My D requested a single for her sophomore and is completely happy . The RA is there for problems like this . She should have gotten help a long time ago .</p>
<p>Again, manipulative people like the game. Game on.</p>
<p>Posts 33 and 36 have it right…two can play at this game!</p>
<p>Rhumbob–OP’s D is probably outclassed in this game–that’s why she’s been chosen to play.</p>
<p>I would like to think posters are kidding with the “game on” approach. Unless she plans to request and can get a room change, this is someone she has to live with for the rest of the academic year. And the OP said her dau has struggled with anxiety and assertiveness, so would be ill advised to try to play the “game” that the other roommate is obviously so good at. The OP’s dau needs helps with addressing reasonable roommate rules as this is not easy for her. Thats where the therapist (for herself, to work on these isues) and the RA (to help resolve the specific issues with the unreasonable roommate) come in.</p>
<p>I agree, jym626. This should not be looked at as a game. I was not aware of D’s anxiety and assertiveness issues until recently brought up in thread. She may need some assistance from therapist or RA and switching rooms may still be an option down the road if need be.</p>