<p>My D has a roommate who just made an unusual request. Her roommate goes home every weekend, but my D stays on campus. So my D invited two of her friends who live in another dorm to come over to visit her last weekend. She usually hangs out with them in their dorm. Her friends didn't spend the night. They just came over to hang out and talk. This week, my D's roommate told her that she didn't want anyone sitting on her bed or being in their dorm room when she's not there. This was never mentioned when they signed their roommate agreement at the beginning of the year. Doesn't this seem rather unreasonable?</p>
<p>She would like to invite one of her high school girlfriends to spend the night in a few weeks because they will be going to a concert that weekend. But she is afraid to ask her roommate.</p>
<p>Any suggestions? My D and her roommate get along fine so far.</p>
<p>I would ignore the roommates request except for the bed part. If she didn’t want people in her room when she is not there she should have requested a single.</p>
<p>That’s ridiculous especially since it isn’t included in the roommate agreement.
Maybe her roommate is just worried that they will invade her privacy.</p>
<p>How could having friends over invade her roommate’s privacy if she isn’t even there?</p>
<p>My D is very shy and I think it’s great that she is making friends and having people over to visit. The last thing I want is for her to be sitting in her dorm room all by herself on the weekends when her roommate has gone home.</p>
<p>“They don’t have singles available for freshmen, so it wasn’t a choice.”</p>
<p>That is her problem then, not your daughter’s. Asking your daughter not to have friends in her room is completely unreasonable. If the roommate is unhappy about that she will either have to get over it or see if she can move out.</p>
<p>I think no one in the room unless she is present is a crazy request. No one in her bed seems reasonable, but no one in the room is clearly unreasonable. </p>
<p>If your D needs help communicating with the roommate, have her go to the RA for some help.</p>
<p>Totally agree this is unreasonable. It would be an unreasonable thing to request when building a roommate agreement, too. I think she does have the right to keep her bed and chair cootie-free, though. </p>
<p>IMO, inviting a friend for a sleepover is totally reasonable every month or so - just put her in a sleeping bag on the floor (or share the bed if they’re teeny girls). But was no sleepovers part of the agreement?</p>
<p>The roomie’s request isn’t reasonable at all (except for the part about not sitting on her bed, which is reasonable) and not only is it unreasonable, it’s highly unusual. </p>
<p>Your D simply shouldn’t agree to this. The roomie can’t force your D to live in isolation just because she decides to go elsewhere for the weekend. Does she want it to apply anytime she happens to not be in the room as well? If it can’t be worked out between the two of them then the roomie can escalate it to an RA if she feels the need to. I think the onus is on the roomie to do any escalation since what she wants to do is outside of all the norms - not your D.</p>
<p>If she hasn’t already done so, your D can try to have a conversation with the roomie to see what her actual concern is and try to alleviate those concerns and set some boundaries if needed - like not using the roomie’s bed, not messing with any of the roomie’s computer or other stuff, etc., which your D would probably ensure anyway.</p>
<p>Your D shouldn’t, however, allow this roomie to stifle her and force her to be isolated in her own room.</p>
<p>I completely agree that this is an unreasonable request, and your D should not agree to it. The roommate can find another room if she is unhappy with visitors who are NOT disrespecting any of her personal property. Sharing a room means just that … SHARING a room. Your D has a right to entertain in the manner you describe.</p>
<p>That is ridiculous – if she doesn’t want people sitting on her bed, fine. But she cannot tell her roommate not to have people over when she is not around. </p>
<p>As to the friend staying over, what is the college’s policy? Some schools do not want guests staying over in their rooms. I would go with the college’s policy. If your D thinks there will be an issue over her having an overnight guest (and it sounds like there will), she should go to the RA in advance and ask for help in handling it. </p>
<p>If the roomie is *****y abt the overnight friend as guest, perhaps one of your Ds other friends would let her stay in her room. Or, this might get the roomie thinking—D can ask the friend from another dorm if your D & her h.s. friend can stay in HER room overnight – and the girl from the other dorm can sleep in your D’s bed. Roomie cannot do anything about that—friend is sleeping in the bed at your Ds invitation. That might shut her up.</p>
<p>GeekMom63 – I don’t know if “no sleepovers” was part of their roommate agreement or not.</p>
<p>I just want my D to be able to have friends over to hang out in her dorm room, especially on the weekends when many of the kids go home. My D is not throwing parties, being noisy, drinking or smoking. She is a quiet, clean and studious person. You really couldn’t ask for a better roommate.</p>
<p>I agree, also agree with no one on the bed, I would not want that either. </p>
<p>So, tell you daughter to let her know on Thursday that she plans to have people over on Saturday (whether she plans to or not). Since RM goes home every weekend, she can choose to stay, or just be aware. But a “no visitors” is not her right, especially if she is gone every weekend. </p>
<p>I would have to wonder what else is going on? Is RM going home because she is unhappy there? Not making friends and jealous of your daughter? Really homesick, only child not used to sharing? Lots of things could be the underlying cause, and your daughter has the right to stand up for her own rights. </p>
<p>Now- if your daughter is having wild parties, and messing up the room, smoking, and spilling beer on the rugs…that is a different situation. But I doubt that is what is happening! LOL</p>
<p>Is her roommate concerned about strangers stealing her stuff? That’s not actually an unreasonable concern - I have heard stories of laptops or valuables disappearing from dorm rooms when guests were over. </p>
<p>I would encourage your D to have an open conversation with her roommate about the reasons that she is making the requests. Maybe they can work something out that will address the concerns of both of them. For example, if theft is a concern, they might resolve to give each other advanced notice before inviting guests over so that the other roommate has a chance to store away her valuables. Or they could set up an agreement which would make each of them personally liable for any and all damage caused by the other one’s guests.</p>
<p>most colleges have an actual written policy about overnight guests in school housing. Time limits and whatnot. At my D’s school, for example, I think it is like a few days in a row or something.</p>
<p>She should just look into that.</p>
<p>this roommate sounds a little controlling. She might have to request a move. the roommate, that is.</p>
<p>I would have a conversation with the roommate to try to addressnher concerns. Maybe once she realized your daughter is a respectful person, she wouldn’t be so concerned about having your daughter’s friends in their room.</p>