<p>Disagree with posters suggesting Mom should butt out and let DD handle her own problems. That’s obviously not working out so well.</p>
<p>Sometimes with my own D, who had freshman RM problems, we did some role-playing. May sound corny, but it really helped. With some coaching (with me over the phone), D found ways she was comfortable opening the discussion. </p>
<p>“I’m so confused about the other night. You’ve said you don’t want me having people over in our room, but you had your BF spend the night. Why did you do that when you knew I was bringing friend back to stay over?”</p>
<p>In the beginning, she practiced these conversations with me in advance. Eventually she came up with her own openers.</p>
<p>My post 26 explained my position. Manipulative people like to cause conflict intentionally–they view it as a “game”. My opinion is that OP D change rooms because the RM will probably not change (she’ll just find some new way to cause chaos).</p>
<p>I beg to differ that is to “soft” of an approach. She’s not confused…she knows she got shafted I hope. Never start a confrontation or negotiation saying you’re confused, or you don’t understand, or you’re not sure… I would try something on the order of </p>
<p>“We need to sit down right now and decide how we are going to schedule guests in the room. I had told you a while ago that I had a friend staying over this weekend and I was ticked off (or what expletive the OPs D might choose) to come back to the room with my friend to find out that you had invited an overnight guest without telling me. If we can’t come up with a reasonable solution to advanced notice, I’m going to go to the RA and find out how other roommates handle visitors because this cannot happen again.”</p>
<p>I remember back in the day, I was in a triple. A boy, who lived in the dorm, right upstairs, spent a lot of nights in my one RM’s bed. We all just slept in the room. Heck, if they wanted privacy, they could have found time. At night, that was my room too.</p>
<p>momof3, I always coach my kids to open with a polite approach first. THEN, go to the “We need to sit down right now…”</p>
<p>I agree that the girl knew exactly what she was doing. But give her one chance to save face. After all, does OP’s D really want to take it to the next level (stressful confrontation) without giving RM a chance to straighten out her act first? Just in case she actually has to live with this person until next May, it might be best to pretend. </p>
<p>I’m not in any way recommending that she keep getting rolled over. And yes, bring in the RA if this doesn’t work. But it sounds like OP’s D has anxiety issues over confronting others who take advantage, and I was giving an example of an opener that might move things along. It’s better than saying nothing, which is what it sounds like the girl has been doing.</p>
<p>Must be my Irish background, but I’m a revengeful sort…I would invite several friends to the room one evening around 9pm and have a little party. When (and IF) RM complains, then play the Saturday night card. Your D needs to stand up for herself and see if RM will back down. RA shouldn’t need to be involved unless RM can’t understand her hypocrity.</p>
<p>While I can understand the feelings behind “game on” and revenge, “Tit for Tat” behavior will just result in escalating ugly behaviors …and the RM will really escalate.</p>
<p>Why not just move out? First year roommates can often become lifetime friends. Clearly this is not the case. She should go to residential life and move to a better living situation.</p>
<p>Can she? It might not be as easy as you say, especially if the dorms are overcrowded. If she’s at a school where there are forced triples and other symptoms of overbooking, she might not be able to move very quickly without a really good reason (especially if she hasn’t taken the time to document the problems by talking to the other girl, talking to the RA, and working her way up).</p>
<p>The best reason not to move out: this is a learning experience. She needs to learn how to assert herself, because this is only one of lots and lots of life experiences she’s going to have like this in the future. In this case, she’s got her RA as a backup if needed, and probably somebody higher up at the res hall if that isn’t enough. She’ll face similar situations both as she moves through college and then into professional life, and learning how to assert yourself is a critical skill.</p>
<p>^ Yes, this is true. But, if she ends up wanting to move, some people always leave after 1st semester and something may open up in her dorm. Someone else may also want to switch. Although, if that were the case, I would try to investigate as to why before switching. Some people would try to get a suite, or move from a triple to double when I was in school.</p>
<p>Get a third party involved - RA and counsellor (but not mom)- to help this student be clear about her needs, assert those needs and defend them as necessary. The goal here is to ensure the daughter’s in a livable situation, period. </p>
<p>There is no need to have mom involved, to stir the pot with attributions about the roommate’s real motivations and manipulations, revenge, games, and escalation of an already unpleasant situation. </p>
<p>This isn’t a reality TV show that needs more drama. Instead, view it like a conflict in any professional relationship. Focus on the goals you need to achieve- in this case, a livable situation for both roommates - get assistance with asserting oneself, negotiating a new set of ground rules with said roommate, and ensuring those rules are followed going forward.</p>
<p>*Why not just move out? First year roommates can often become lifetime friends. Clearly this is not the case. She should go to residential life and move to a better living situation. </p>
<p>===========
Can she? It might not be as easy as you say, especially if the dorms are overcrowded. *</p>
<p>I believe that campus housing policies follow a standard protocol where some small % of beds and rooms must stay empty to provide for the possibility of a room becoming inhabitable - safety or horrid roomie. So, even in “over crowded” campus housing situations, they should have some empty beds or rooms somewhere.</p>
<p>Not only that, at this point in the semester, a school has usually had a few kids drop out/move out.</p>
<p>Don’t know if anyone else has suggested this, but what about getting the college disabilities dept. involved? My son’s close friend was having roommate problems, and that’s how his problem was solved. Your D’s therapist could probably help by writing a letter explaining that the nature of her social/psychological issues puts her at a disadvantage when trying to deal with a manipulative roommate, and her mental health requires that she either change roommates or be given a single.</p>
<p>And no, I would not stand by and let her try to deal with this all by herself, not with her history. She’s rooming with a professional mean girl. It’s like matching up a novice tennis player with Serena Williams. Not all cats can work their way out of bags; that’s why people used to put them in bags before drowning them.</p>
<p>Arabrab. I think you are over simplifying the issue. Freshman year is a “critical” year and its not a time for lesson learning, its a time to forge strength for the rest of college and life. My brother had a similar issue in the fall of his first year and moved to a new dorm in the Spring. He found lifetime friends in his new dorm, people that propelled him have an amazing experience for the rest of college and well after. Feel free to choose Confucianism, I think the Tao approach is the winner.</p>
<p>While I got quite a laugh out of ClassicRockerDad’s reply, I don’t think this type of confrontation is something OP’s daughter is capable of, given the “issues” with confrontation she has. My daughter, who has absolutely no problem confronting others about their unfair behavior, struggled with a similar type problem freshman year. She was tripled with two girls who were constantly breaking the “no alcohol” in the room policy. While my D was certainly no angel, she was troubled by the harsh punishment for such a rule infraction and was unwilling to “jeopardize my scholarship for something others are doing.” We had many teary phone calls before D was able to go to roommmates and explain her fears. To her surprise, roommates were quite accommodating and problem was solved. OP’s daughter clearly cannot do this herself and even if she did, it is doubtful roommate would be receptive, so she must enlist the aid of RA/RD if she is to be successful at this. Also agree with those who suggest student get involved with counselor. Every college Health Service my kids have been involved with has had some type of counselling available for students. OP’s daughter needs to seek this out and perhaps they can help her formulate a plan that will allow her to move forward. I’m sure this is a problem they have seen hundreds of times before and their input could be invaluable.</p>