<p>I’m a bit suspicious of the OP’s account of the situation. I could definitely see the possibility of her friends touching and displacing the roommate’s belongings (unless the roommate keeps everything extraordinary neat, it’s hard to realize that other people were in the room unless it became a lot messier).</p>
<p>Apologize to the roommate that the friends touched her belongings, and ask permission for guests in return for a guarantee that she’ll keep friends from touching the roommate’s belongings.</p>
<p>I forgot to mention in the original posting that her roommate saw a picture my daughter had posted on her FB page of her two friends sitting on the roommate’s bed last weekend. That is how she found out about it. My daughter said she is a “germaphobe” and the thought of anyone sitting on her bed was too much for her to handle. This would explain why she “doesn’t do toilets.” The two of them share a bathroom, so my daughter has agreed to clean the toilet.</p>
<p>Not sitting on the bed is totally reasonable. My bed doubled as the couch last year (bad knee made it hard to climb so I left my down) and I could see how someone would not like that. To be honest, it’s really disrespectful of your daughter to let friends sit on the roommate’s bed without her permission ESPECIALLY if she already knew that she was a “germaphobe”.</p>
<p>But no guests? Come on. It’s unreasonable. Unless the guests are interfering with studying/sleeping or moving/taking stuff, it shouldn’t be an issue. It is your D’s room, too. If she has that big of an issue with it, she really needs to get a single.</p>
<p>Again, the no guests sitting on th bed is perfectly understandable, but there’s no reason she shouldn’t be allowed to have friends over. Yes, consent should be gotten if they’re going to spend the night. However, if its just a lazy saturday afternoon and they want to come over there should be no problem.</p>
<p>It honestly never occurred to my daughter that her roommate would be upset if someone sat on her bed. It was not something that they discussed when they signed the roommate agreement at the beginning of the semester. My daughter said that when she goes to visit friends in their rooms, they sit on both beds. Where else are you going to sit if there are 6 people in a room? But she totally respects her roommate’s request and will not let anyone sit on her bed or visit in the room when she isn’t there.</p>
<p>OP, she absolutely shouldn’t honor the roomate’s request to prohibit visitors while the roommate isn’t there. In fact, she shouldn’t ask her roommate whether she can have visitors while the roomie is away, she should tell the roommate that she will do this whenever she pleases. (Personally, I think the prohibition on sitting on the bed is also nuts, but I guess I can see giving in on that.) If your D can’t bring herself to assert herself to the roommate, she should go to the RA. This is unreasonable, and really shouldn’t be tolerated.</p>
<p>Hunt – I wanted to respond to what you said:</p>
<p>“OP, she absolutely shouldn’t honor the roomate’s request to prohibit visitors while the roommate isn’t there. In fact, she shouldn’t ask her roommate whether she can have visitors while the roomie is away, she should tell the roommate that she will do this whenever she pleases.”</p>
<p>My daughter likes her roommate and respects her wishes. If my daughter decides that in the future she wants to have guests visit in her room over the weekends, she can discuss this with her roommate in a civilized manner. If she tells her roommate she is going to do whatever she wants, then their relationship will most likely suffer. She can get the RA involved if she and her roommate can’t get this issue resolved.</p>
<p>OP, I believe in respecting wishes, but only if they are within the realm of reasonableness. This one isn’t, and your D shouldn’t let her roommate be under a misapprehension about this. She can be nice about it, so maybe she could say something like, “I understand you’d prefer that I not have visitors when you are away, but I’m sorry that I can’t agree to that kind of restriction on my use of the room. If you like, we can go discuss it with the RA to make sure we have a clear understanding of the situation. I will ask my visitors not to sit on your bed if that upsets you.”</p>
<p>I think her relationship with this roommate will suffer even more if she doesn’t stand up for herself a bit more in the very beginning. This is likely to be only the first (or second, if you count the cleaning issue) unreasonable demand.</p>
<p>It kinda seems like this might be more about the bed than the actual presence of other people. Your D should maybe have another talk about this with the roommate when that incident is less fresh in her mind. Also, D could ask roommate to stay in town during the weekend where she wanted to have a friend over for the concert. If your D is being asked to make such a large concession as to not have people over if roommate isn’t there, then roommate needs to be accommodating too. That way they both feel comfortable with the situation.</p>
<p>Her roommate sounds like a piece of work. Anyway, I would tell my daughter to respect the request about the bed and get a couple of folding chairs for visitors. However, your has no right to dictate whether or not your daughter has visitors and I would tell her so–even if it risks making things uncomfortable. Her roommate has a lot of nerve to even suggest such a restriction!</p>
<p>I agree with Hunt mostly. Your daughter must really really love this roommate to honor her ludicrous request. I’m surprised how much she wants her crazy roommate to stick around. I also agree that it needs to be figured out because if your daughter really does love this roommate this will be the first of a great many issues with her since she sounds really unreasonable. The bed is totally understandable though as MOST of the girl dorms I have visited at my own college, and when I sat on a persons bed I got yelled at. I think it’s just a girl thing. I couldn’t possibly care less about my own bed. With that said, honestly, if your daughter cares this much about her roommate they need to get on common ground about this simple issue before it gets to more rocky and disastrous cases. </p>
<p>The fact that this roommate “doesn’t do toilets” gives your daughter some good leverage. Your daughter was very nice to agree to take care of all toilet cleaning duties, this was above and beyond what is expected of a roommate. She should tell her roommate that she will not continue to accept full toilet cleaning responsibilities unless they can work out a reasonable guest agreement. Your daughter should be able to have friends over so long as she supervises their behavior at all times and does not allow anyone to sit on the roommates bed or touch her stuff.</p>
<p>Your daughter has just as much right to the room as her roommate. The other girl certainly sounds like she has issues. Your daughter isn’t her maid and having daytime visitors isn’t any of the other girl’s business. The roommate sounds like she has some growing up to do and needs to learn to compromise or as a few have said before she should find a single room instead.</p>
<p>As I think about this some more, I think maybe OP’s D feels guilty that she was “caught” letting people sit on the roommate’s bed, and that therefore she feels that she should make it up to the roommate by giving into the demand to not have visitors. I think she should try to shake off that idea–letting people sit on the bed was, at most, a very minor infraction which should have been dealt with by the roommate simply asking that she not do that any more. That’s it. She shouldn’t let the roommate hold that over her head at all.</p>
<p>I have somewhat different advice than everyone else here. I’m not going to discuss college rules, or reasonable or anything.</p>
<p>I think you should let your daughter handle it. You can recommend that she speak to the RA, you can support her if she requests a room change, but basically, it’s her problem and one of the important things about going to college is learning to deal with these things.</p>
<p>The situation is obviously not a physical threat, drug or alcohol related, or a situation where your daughter cannot study (in which case you can and should intervene). </p>
<p>Basically, it’s two people who like each other, but have a possibly significant difference. The best thing is for the two of them to either work it out in a mutually acceptable way or decide that they are incompatable as roommates and end that part of the relationship.</p>
<p>In any event, I believe both of them will be happier with the end result if they work it out on their own.</p>
<p>It sounds like the roommate has some real issues with hygiene so if it were my daughter I would suggest the following .</p>
<p>Ask the roommate the problem is the “germs” brought by other people. If so, tell her that you will cover her bed with a sheet (although no one will sit on the bed, it keeps any unwanted hair, dust etc) that will be removed and cleaned. No one will touch her stuff and after visitors leave all handles, the bathroom, etc. will be wiped down with a clorox wipe or something to reassure roommate that no lingering germs are there. </p>
<p>If the roommate is truly a germaphobe she is probably grappling with sharing a room and bathroom with one person and is truly sickened by the thought of many others trooping in and bringing more germs in with them. This issue may be why she is going home each weekend. It can be extremely stressful for someone with a phobia to confront it continuously night and day. I would tell my D that she has to try to see how to lower the stress as much as possible by figuring out what really bothers the roommate and how best to address these issues. </p>
<p>In terms of the friend coming for the weekend…well…bring it up, reassure the girl that no one will sleep in her bed and promise a thorough cleaning before she returns on Sunday night. </p>
<p>If roommate still insists on the no visitors rule…I would stop cleaning the bathroom and start leaving open food containers, hair everywhere, cough and sneeze without covering my mouth…(just joking…but roommate needs to see that compromise comes from two sides)…</p>
<p>^ Honestly, that is going way above and beyond what should be required of a roommate. It’s not the OP’s daughter’s fault that the roommate has OCD tendencies with germs. The roommate should have gotten a single if it was that bad because it shouldn’t be the OP’s D’s responsibility to unreasonably bend to the roommate’s disorder. No one should have to completely wipe down a room after each and every time you have guests. Most rooms have people revolving in and out all day.</p>