<p>By all means, she should talk to her roommate. Not having visitors is an unreasonable request. </p>
<p>Your daughter should not feel guilty about having visitors over, assuming that they clean up after themselves and stay off her roommate’s bed (a reasonable request).</p>
<p>Now here’s a roommate story.</p>
<p>[That</a> first student apartment - Isthmus | The Daily Page](<a href=“http://www.thedailypage.com/isthmus/article.php?article=34666]That”>http://www.thedailypage.com/isthmus/article.php?article=34666)</p>
<p>vlines – I wanted to respond to your questions:</p>
<p>“I would have to wonder what else is going on? Is RM going home because she is unhappy there? Not making friends and jealous of your daughter? Really homesick, only child not used to sharing? Lots of things could be the underlying cause, and your daughter has the right to stand up for her own rights.”</p>
<p>Her roommate has gone home every weekend since they moved in. In fact, the day they moved in, she went back home for two more nights after unpacking. After having an opportunity to see the mother and daughter interacting, they appear to be VERY attached to each other. My D said there is constant texting between the two of them. They are also friends on FB. My D would never allow that! I’m not really sure why her roommate is going home, but most of the freshmen on her dorm floor go home every weekend also. My D seems to be one of the few who chooses to remain there.</p>
<p>umd, did something happen during that first visit that upset the roommate when she found out? I can see people coming in and picking things up, examining them, making comments, etc., or basically making themselves at home. </p>
<p>I grew up not having a space of my own, and that kind of thing would really bother me - especially knowing it was happening while I was not there. Pretty much everything I ever got as a kid (not much, really poor) was broken by siblings or cousins who were permitted to run amok wherever they pleased. </p>
<p>Just trying to give a different perspective on the issue.</p>
<p>Your daughter has a right to enjoy her living space, and to have friends in. As long as she is respectful, and her friends dont touch the roommates stuff, that is reasonable. Agree, she should talk to the roommate, but the roommate doesnt get to dictate the rules, especially when she isnt even there.</p>
<p>Your D’s roommate is overstepping her bounds!!! </p>
<p>She should not agree to such a constraint on using what is also HER room…especially when she’s not going to be there.</p>
<p>Her roommate really sounds like a control freak I would have serious issues with. Who died and made her Queen of the room?!!</p>
<p>I say this as someone who hated sharing rooms and is paranoid about others picking up my things in my absence because they frequently get damaged as a result of carelessness.</p>
<p>Mental health single!</p>
<p>Is your D absolutely positive she didn’t misunderstand? Perhaps roommate was upset about people sitting on her bed and exaggerated? It’s not that I don’t believe her, it’s just that this is so BIZARRE! Letting people sit on roomies’ beds is a huge no-no, but I’ve never heard of anybody trying to disallow guests entirely. Your d needs to put her foot down, and talk to the RA if she needs help handling it. If she lets roomie start running the show now, it will be a long year-- this will not be the only power struggle they have.</p>
<p>Guilty of friends sitting on roommate’s bed at least once eons ago- I have the photo to prove it. Where else can a bunch of people sit? On the floor using the bed as a backrest, or is that also prohibited? Of course nothing was messed up… The roommate doesn’t literally own the bed but I can understand a sense of space ownership- my bed growing up with my sisiter was the only space I could claim as my own. Let us know how things are going in a month. By then your D should have resolved her problem. I can understand needing quiet and therefore no noisy visiting when studying in the room or sleeping- but when gone???</p>
<p>Regarding all this sitting on the bed stuff – when I was in college if you had a load of people in the room, they did sit on the rooomie’s bed. And on the desk chair and anything else that was sittable (you tried to avoid trunks if they were not sturdy). It was reciprocal & as long as they didn’t break your stuff or snoop in your things, and tidied the spread if they had rumpled it when they got up, roomies did not care. Their friends would sit on your bed when they came over. Times have changed.</p>
<p>One of the things I (parent) got the ‘eye-roll’ for suggesting was to purchase a bed cover for just that. My thought was buy something nice but thick/protective enough to ward off so called cooties when others sat on the bed. I had even thought of attaching a tarp to the bottom to make it leak proof (liquid spills etc.)</p>
<p>Regarding valuables: offer to buy the roomie a lockable box that can be cable attached to a desk etc.</p>
<p>OP, I’m not sure from your username, but is your daughter a student at the University of Maryland at College Park?</p>
<p>If she is, then the fact that her roommate goes home for the weekends doesn’t imply that there’s anything abnormal going in. Quite a lot of UMD students regularly go home for weekends. UMD is not exactly a suitcase school (because it’s so huge that even if half the population goes home, there are still more kids there than at most universities), but there is a significant proportion of the population that treats it that way. And among Maryland kids who live in the Washington or Baltimore metro areas, attending UMD but coming home for the weekends is considered a normal lifestyle.</p>
<p>Tell the roomate to pound sand.</p>
<p>Please give updates concerning the situation.</p>
<p>crester, I was about to suggest a bed cover. Guess I’ll hold that thought!
IMHO, if roomie wants a lockable box, she can buy her own. She may not be accustomed to living with others.</p>
<p>I haven’t searched CC, but I am sure there must be a thread about “valuable, non-academic lessons learned at college.” DH and I joke that we paid a whole lot of money so S could “grow into adulthood” in a safe, nurturing environment that was not our home.</p>
<p>While it’s alittle over the top, I think the OP’s D should respect the “not on the bed” request. But the OPs D needs to be a little assertive about the “no friends over when the roommate isn’t there” request. That part is not reasonable. If the OP’s D needs help about how to open up this negotiation or is nervous about being assertive the RA should be able to help.
Avoiding a small conflict is not the answer.</p>
<p>Most of this is unreasonable. If the roomie doesn’t want others sitting on her bed, then respect that. BUT having friends visit…should be FINE.</p>
<p>Re: overnights…at BOTH of my kids’ colleges, roommates had to sign a form agreeing to any visiting overnight guests. Honestly I don’t know what they did in the event that the roomie wasn’t even there. BUT there was a required residence life form that had to be signed agreeing to having someone spend the night. Your daughter might want to check into that at her school.</p>
<p>As most other posters have indicated, I can see why the roommate might not want people sitting on her bed. Rather than a bed cover, I was thinking I might get my D a bean bag chair for the room to add “sitting space”. </p>
<p>I wonder if there was an “incident” that prompted this that maybe the OP’s daughter is not spilling all the details on. Maybe the bed was a mess when the roommate came back, and the roommate overreacted. In that case, maybe the OP’s D owes an apology (even if her friends did it, not her). And then she can offer some respectful alternatives to the “no visitors” scenario.</p>
<p>And ultimately, this is part of what RAs are for, to help resolve conflicts that roommates can’t handle resolve on their own. If the roommate and OP’s D don’t come to an agreeable resolution on the various options, then OP’s D should suggest they ask the RA to help them resolve it. Ideally OP’s D will stay calm and reasonable during the discussion (even if the roommate isn’t), and propose the RA conversation if it isn’t going well.</p>
<p>The other point to keep in mind is that if the roomie is a freshman then this is likely her first time away from home in a social setting like this. She’s likely only been there just a few weeks and is still adjusting to the environment. For all anyone knows it might be one of her parents telling her to set these rules (maybe one of the cleaner moms from the other thread doesn’t want visitors messing up their handiwork 
). </p>
<p>Once the roomie is in the environment a little longer, sees what the norm is for visitors in college dorms, starts to get more independence, realizes through a discussion with your D that she can’t just impose her own arbitrary rules on her, she may see the light and come around willingly. If not then she’ll need to change her expectations in this area willingly or not.</p>
<p>When your D has a discussion on the topic with the roomie, which she needs to do and in which your D stands firm on this point, it may come to light that the roomie will understand or that it’s not even her idea in the first place so your D should keep this in mind when having the discussion.</p>
<p>As a cleaner mom, and if I was concerned someone may touch my kid’s stuff or mess up the room, I would pay extra to get a single for my kid. D1 just made sure she had same roommate for 3 years who was cleaner than her.</p>