<p>Remember, too, we just raised a generation of kids many who had their own “rooms” and can be pretty self centered about “their stuff and their space” compared to previous generations or perhaps were “onlies.” Unless kids have shared a room with a brother or sister they haven’t really leaned how to share or set appropriate and appropriate is the key word…boundaries. Love the bean bag idea!</p>
<p>While I agree it’s an unreasonable request, we are talking about a 17 or 18 year old, first time away from home and maybe sharing a room. We have no idea about the maturity of the kids involved. I work with freshman all the time, and they are often just <em>young</em>, and inexperienced or with a bit of wonky judgment, not necessarily control freaks or anything else wrong with them. </p>
<p>And who knows what transpired before and during this announcement? What set it off? What was really said and intended? Was it during some heated argument and the roommate just said something stupid to win a point (what adults haven’t done that before?). Who knows.</p>
<p>We are also just getting one mom’s version of one kid’s version. Nothing wrong with the OP, we’d all be in the same boat as her. But these things are a bit like the telephone game. Not to mention, there are often very very different versions of the same ‘conflict’. I spend an inordinate amount of time helping my students in their project teams when there is a conflict or disagreement of sorts…I’ll hear one kids’ version of the situation and totally see their point of view, and how unjust the other party is being…then when I hear from the ‘other side’ I end up with an entirely different understanding! No one is lying, they just truly see, interpret and remember what was said, what happened, and why it happened, in very different ways.</p>
<p>I think this is a great opportunity for the girls to learn to live together and resolve conflict. I love the earlier posters’ suggestions about having the daughter talk to her roommate to find out what her specific worries or concerns are (or what underlying emotions might be driving all of this), and come up with a creative solution that helps the roommate but also ensures the daughter isn’t restricted from having friends over (which of course she should have friends over!). Resolving it in this sort of direct but constructive way is especially important if they have to live together all year.</p>
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<p>I don’t think maturity or being “too young” has as much to do with it in this case. </p>
<p>IME, this is a classic red flag of a control freak whether it is a roommate, “friend”, or worse…a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. No one IMHO has the right to unilaterally order someone of ostensibly equal standing around like what the OP has described. </p>
<p>Whether it is the roommate who orders a roommate to not have guests over even in his/her absence or a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse who unilaterally orders the partner to give up his/her personal hobbies, carps unkindly about them, or goes to the extremes of micromanaging everything he/she does, life’s too short to put up with those types. </p>
<p>As you’ve probably surmised, I’ve seen far too much of this type of BS behavior on college campuses and post-college life to believe it is solely the problem with maturity or miscommunication.</p>
<p>^ We really just don’t have a clue what happened or anything at all about this kid or what was really said. You’ve taken one supposed statement made by a person, the receiver passes it to another, and then tells us about it in an anonymous forum…and you conclude all kinds of stuff about this kid. Lordy, have baggage much? </p>
<p>And regardless of the label or personality profile you’ve sketched out for this kid, how is that helpful? Regardless of the REAL reason, I can’t imagine how or why it would be more beneficial for the OP’s daughter not to seek to resolve it in a direct and constructive way. That is what mature adults do. That is how they learn to live together.</p>
<p>I agree with Starbright’s post in #42, it may not be exactly as presented to the OP, not that the DD is lying, but each kid has their own perspective and presents those details which support their position. Think about your kids arguing and telling on each other, there are always two sides.</p>
<p>If, in fact, the roomie said, “you cannot have people in the room when I am not here and you can never sit on my bed” that is a bit much! But did something happen to precipitate that? DD had a roomie spill a large coffee on DDs bed and then refold the bedding to hide the stain. It took me a month of lemon juice & sunshine over the summer to finally get it most of the way gone. DD was angry, but mostly that the roomie did not have the guts to tell her what had happened. For some reason, that year, EVERYONE always sat on DDs bed, including the roommates when they were alone in the room.</p>
<p>If the roommate is upset then that needs to be addressed. For example, if I had a very nice bed set, I might keep a lousy coverlet around to toss over the bed when leaving for the weekend so my good bedding did not get dirty if someone sat on it. </p>
<p>Are OP’s DDs friends messing with the girl’s stuff? One of my DDs had a roommate who would not stop borrowing her clothes (first semester together, so brand new acquaintances) and the school had hasp locks on the closet so DD began locking her closet when she left overnight. Over the months, roomie learned the combo and one time when DD returned from a long weekend away, there was apparently a mad flurry on their floor with all the girls flocking to return the items borrowed for the weekend. Yet, DD, being the person she is, knew that items were not hung up in her normal sorting system 
Why do girls do this stuff?</p>
<p>I’ve also had the opportunity to talk with a parent again and again about the problems between my DD & her DD as roommates from Hell in an apartment with a lease. Each thought the other was the bad guy and if they saw each other today, years later, they would likely not have kind words. Each told horror stores, some of which were true, but each event had mitigating circumstances not presented to parents and the disdain came from a distinct dislike and victim mentality. It was always “she did this” not ever “I may have done that.” By the time winter break occurred, they despised each other. It was not a good year! I would highly advise trying to work out a way to come to agreement kindly, the drama is not worth it.</p>
<p>Try to keep an open mind that they could both be escalating a number if interactions without even knowing it and helping your DD determine whether she is contributing, at all, could help reduce tensions.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. Respecting each other’s space and stuff is a given, but the request not to have friends visit is ridiculous. (I personally think that no one sitting on the bed is a little over-the-top, as long as they straighten it up afterwards, but it is much more reasonable than the visitor ban.) Your D needs to discuss the issue with the roomie and work out the underlying issues, with the RA’s help if necessary.</p>
<p>If the roomie really cannot tolerate visitors at all, she needs to get a single or an apartment by herself, or move home, because she has unrealistic needs for dorm life.</p>
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Well said.</p>
<p>Wow, I certainly never expected to receive this much feedback to my post. Just thought I would try to address a few things that have been brought up.</p>
<p>My D’s RM found out about the two friends sitting on her bed last weekend from a picture posted on her FB page (according to my D). She says that other than this problem, they have been getting along fine.</p>
<p>Several weeks ago, her RM made it very clear that she “doesn’t do toilets” so my D agreed to do this (they share a bathroom).</p>
<p>My D suggested that they move the fridge so that there would be room for a chair for visitors to sit on, but her RM shot down that idea.</p>
<p>Her RM’s parents seem to be a bit overprotective and overbearing from what I have seen. They rearranged all the furniture in their room on move-in day. The father was concerned about how the windows could be opened in case of a fire. They insisted that their D come back home immediately after moving in because of the possibility that the power might go out in the dorm due to the remnants of hurricane Irene. They felt that if the power went out, the dorm would not be secure. You have to keep in mind that this is a very safe campus in the suburbs. Her RM and her mother are VERY close. According to my D, they text each other constantly. They are even friends on FB. My daughter would never “friend” me on FB! </p>
<p>I will try to find out if there were any other reasons that her RM might be upset about her having visitors or letting friends sit on her bed.</p>
<p>Frankly, does it really matter why the roommate might be upset about these issues? If she has OCD she should have requested a medical waiver for a single. Your daughter has an equal right to her thoughts about the living space. If the RM’s parents are overbearing, its not fair to let that spill over on your dau. Hopefully your D will stand up to the RM and have a collegial talk about room courtesy. It goes BOTH ways. If not, your dau should then talk to the RA.</p>
<p>LOL, the “I don’t do toilets” would have been the end for me! No one LIKES to clean toilets, for goodness sake. I would have asked her who she was hiring to clean it for her! LOL I hope your daughter at least traded another not so fun chore for the toilet. If RM was not even open to moving the fridge for a chair for visitors, she is just being difficult (for what ever her reason is). At least it does sound like your daughter and RM are having conversation about this. Hopefully, they will work it out.</p>
<p>Good point, vlines. Neither my DS or his roomie apparently “did toilets” (but for a different reason-- they are pigs, so it seems 
), so to avoid a huge clean-up fee at the end of the year, yours truly “did toilets” and the rest of the dorm room bathroom. NEVER AGAIN.</p>
<p>^^^^ EWWW. Hope it was a big fee you avoided! I would be happy to hire a cleaning person once every 2 weeks to do my son’s bathroom in college. I am afraid of the same thing you describe.</p>
<p>Well, the year before they tried to charge me $100 for a carpet stain in his dorm room (and it was a pretty nasty carpet that was going to be cleaned anyway). I negotiated that down to $40 but I wasn’t taking that chance again. The year of the toilet/bathroom clean, that day happened to be DS’s birthday. Never doing that again for ANYONE’s birthday!</p>
<p>Facebook photos strike again!</p>
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So where does she go to the bathroom then? If someone told me that I’d say it’s fine as long as they never used the toilet but if they ever use the toilet then they’re on the hook for cleaning it.</p>
<p>Your D has a ridiculous roomie that apparently led an overly sheltered and probably spoiled life and needs to have a reality check. Your D shouldn’t tolerate her antics.</p>
<p>I remember the earlier thread about the toilets. Because the roommate “won” that argument, she thinks she can win this one, too. Your dd needs to apologize for the sitting on the bed and say nicely that it won’t happen again but that she certainly will have friends over anytime she wants.</p>
<p>jym and vlines, make the boys pay their own fine.</p>
<p>Your daughter has a perfect argument for allowing friends to sit on the bed. She offered to bring in additional seating and the roommate refused, so bed it is. I don’t really like the idea of other people sitting on my bed either, but they are sharing a room. The roommate does not get to dictate what happens in that room, whether she is present or not! And as for not doing toilets, I would tell her she needs to pay someone to do them for her if she doesn’t want to do them. Have your daughter be responsible for the first semester and the roommate for the second semester. Sounds to me like your daughter is in for a long year if she doesn’t get some of these issues resolved. I also think the roommate should spring for a single room if she has issues with sharing the space.</p>
<p>You would think that they would have a peer mediation, or dorm mediation program for this type of situation. I imagine that conflict is normal when you house a bunch of teens together that do not know each other!</p>
<p>YDS,
My DS sublet his room/bathroom in his off campus housing this summer, and spent 2 days cleaning/painting it when he returned. He sent me an email letting me know that he now understands why I get upset when he scuffs up the walls in our house. They learn…
Oh, and I didn’t want any details about the bathroom cleaning… :)</p>
<p>My D was diagnosed with social anxiety about a year ago. I’m am thrilled and relieved that she has reached out to others and made friends over the past 4 weeks. However, she tries to avoid confrontation. She doesn’t want to rock the boat, so I hope that she will be willing to discuss this further with her RM so that they can resolve it. If she continues to cave in to her RM’s demands, she will eventually become unhappy. This can definitely be a learning experience for her.</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter is doing really well. She may have to pull in help from the RA to address appropriate expectation and mediate with her and her RM to prevent it from getting to the unhappy place.</p>