<p>vlines - I agree mediation would go a long way. </p>
<p>Back in my day, I grew up sharing a bathroom and a TV and a radio and a phone… Most of my HS friends grew up sharing a bedroom. Many teens today have a private bath, single bedroom, personal TV, computer and phone at home and are simply have no concept of “fair” let alone the negotiation skills. I was 5 when I learned to negotiate TV time. </p>
<p>OP - Your daughter is allowing herself to be bullied. She needs to realize these requests and RM behavior is not something she must tolerate.</p>
<p>^^^ my son, and many of his friends. He does clean his own bath (yes, including toilet), but only after being “told” to clean it. He is a slob, basically. He can be pretty territorial with his room at times. This was a concern as we looked at colleges and dorms available at those colleges.</p>
<p>Under those circumstances, I would urge my daughter to seek mediation from the RA. She needs help negotiating appropriate use of their shared space. Her roommate obviously has a stronger personality than your daughter and if she doesn’t get a handle on this now, it will just get worse. Your daughter needs to be able to socialize in her room, while respecting her roommate’s right to privacy.</p>
<p>My point above was that OPs daughter may not realize that this is too demanding. For teens who grow up with relative privacy, a bedroom may seem very personal and OPs daughter may not realize RM is being extreme. </p>
<p>There is a fine line. Socializing at midnight vs at 3 p.m. Occasional overnight same sex guests from high school vs drunk hook-up over nighters vs guest at a time when roommate is not there.</p>
<p>But if I were your D, I would take roomie for a cup of coffee and if things could not be worked out to MUTUAL satisfaction, I would inform roomie that if she does not want her to have friends over when she is not there, then she would be required to be present but not to participate, whenever your daughter chooses to have friends over…including on weekend! In other words, be just as outrageous in her own way.</p>
<p>And then she should just have her friends over whenever she chooses…and as she is just as entitled as roomie to set up the room to her own satisfaction, I would have her move the refrigerator to a better spot and get a chair or beanbag for guests…of course informing roomie that neither she nor her guests can use it.</p>
<p>I can just anticipate roomie also not wanting your D to have friends over in the rooom whenever she wants to sleep/study/chill/watch TV, etc.</p>
<p>And I like the idea of roomie being required to either do the toilet when it is her turn, or for her to find someone else to do it for her (definitely not D because it would seem to imply the D being in some sort of subordinate position).</p>
<p>People like that bring out the contrary demon in me.</p>
<p>So the RM doesn’t want your D’s friends sitting on the bed…reasonable enough. In turn your D needs to tell RM she doesn’t want her sitting on “her” cleaned toilet.</p>
<p>I agree that the RM is being a bully and it needs to be resolved ASAP.</p>
<p>The OPs D doesn’t need to be passive aggressive or tit for tat however you call it…the OPs D just need to assert herself to a reasonable conclusion. Much like adults do constantly at work, with their spouse, etc. etc. It doesn’t have to be World War III.</p>
<p>The info about toilet cleaning and parents being overbearing would seem to indicate that the RM is more likely than not being out of line. Deciding what is fair is difficult, add to that sheltered & cosseted RM + DDs social anxiety and you have the potential for more and more demands resulting in a blow up when your DD has had enough.</p>
<p>Time for a sit down, perhaps running by the RA to make sure your DD is seeing things clearly, then it is time to discuss how the room will be run. I would tell my DD to have her lists- things on which she WILL NOT compromise (having friends over), things on which she WILL compromise (sitting on RM bed) and how about adding her demands. It should not be all about RM.</p>
<p>The reason I think it is appropriate to involve the RA to mediate is because it will help to model appropriate conversation for both of these girls. One girl, who has social anxiety, and has already made accomodations, and the other girl who feels she is entitled to dictate rules in a shared environment. Hopefully, by dealing with this with a mediator, both will learn the appropriate way to handle these issues for the rest of their college times as well as into adulthood.</p>
<p>Same here. Worse…some such types exist within my family so I got plenty of practice in learning how to deal with them. Yes, try negotiations…but IMHO…the RA will need to be involved sooner rather than later to explain to that roommate that the world does not revolve around her and she needs to loose that bossy 'tude. </p>
<p>Especially if the OP’s daughter has already been excessively accommodating as she seems to be from the toilet incident. </p>
<p>To the OP: You may want to consider helping your daughter with finding courses/therapists/activities to improve her assertiveness. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, this world is populated with plenty of jerks who will seek out and take full advantage of those who are too accommodating because they “don’t want to rock the boat”.</p>
<p>cobrat – I wanted to respond to one of your suggestions.</p>
<p>“You may want to consider helping your daughter with finding courses/therapists/activities to improve her assertiveness.”</p>
<p>I absolutely agree. She went to a wonderful therapist (a licensed clinical social worker) for almost a year. The progress she made is amazing. My D and her therapist agreed in August that she no longer needs to be seen on a regular basis. However, I could speak with her therapist about this issue. I just want to make sure that I don’t overstep my boundaries.</p>
<p>most therapists will also do an occaisonal phone session with an ongoing client, and so, your daughter could probably speak to her herself, which is always more effective. </p>
<p>I’m sure it will all be fine, but I agree with those who suggest it not turn into a passive-aggresive game playing thing. Your daughter will be better off being direct since the other is not her normal way of communicating. It can get exhausting to try to one-up someone in this way, and it isn’t particularly productive, as gratifying as it is to talk about, as much as some people “deserve” it, so to speak.</p>
<p>poetgrl – I agree that my D needs to deal with any problems with her RM by communicating directly with her. There is no need for playing games or being passive-aggressive.</p>
<p>However, I feel that I would be overstepping my boundaries if I were to suggest that she contact her therapist about learning to be more assertive.</p>
<p>Oh yes, I’m married to someone with passive-aggressive tendencies and I’m constantly asking “what’s the REAL problem here” or simply giving him a choice that forces a decision. eg. “You don’t like people sitting on your bed so I’m going to move the fridge and put a beanbag here so my friends won’t sit on your bed. Do you have a problem with that or do you see a better place for the fridge or the beanbag?”</p>
<p>umd, my daughter had a roommate freshman year who only was in the dorm room on M-TH nights…left Friday for classes and didn’t return until Monday after classes…went home.</p>
<p>When she was there, the roommate was only studying or sleeping. My daughter felt like she was walking on eggshells all the time because she never knew when her roommate would show up…and want to study. </p>
<p>However, the difference was this roommate didn’t seem to care what happened in her absence (she had no personal items in the room at all…just linens on the bed and some essential clothing…that’s it).</p>
<p>My daughter luckily found a wonderful group of very understanding and great friends in her dorm and elsewhere. While my DD would have liked to occasionally have folks in HER room for movies and popcorn, this just didn’t happen often…if at all.</p>
<p>It was not the ideal situation but my daughter dealt with it. Re: overnight guests…it was not an issue for my daughter as she didn’t have any. BUT she had other friends who would gladly have hosted visitors for her…if that had been needed.</p>
<p>I just had a thought. Perhaps my D’s RM does not want her to have visitors because they were GUYS. My D has made both male and female friends at school. RM has never complained about my D having girls over to visit who live in the dorm. But when my D invited some male friends to visit (who live in a different dorm), all of a sudden she doesn’t want anyone sitting on her bed or being in their dorm room when she isn’t there. From what my D has told me, both of these male friends are recipients of prestigious merit scholarships at their school and one is an Eagle Scout. They don’t drink, smoke or party. They just like to hang out together. They also are computer science majors like my D.</p>
<p>Does anyone think this might have something to do with this issue? Or am I way off base?</p>