Roommates Boyfriend is always at the apartment. Help?

So my roommate and I have been living together for 1 semester and we have 1 more to go before the lease ends. Last semester was great (no problems at the time). But over the summer she got an attitude with me and made up a ton of reasons she didn’t like me as a roommate and completely threw me off. Now we’ve been living back at the apartment for the new semester for 3 weeks everything’s been fine EXCEPT every week Mon-Fri her boyfriend stays the night

I understood the first week and was kinda confused the 2nd week but now I’m like wth. It’s now starting week 3 and her and her boyfriend stayed over the weekend which means when I go back to school tomorrow he’ll be there again all week. One problem is that since he doesn’t drive it means if she drives him up with her Monday he has no way to get home until she takes him back, Friday (if they even go back). Because he sometimes stays the weekends with her as well as the week he’s actually been at the apartment more than I have during this 3 week beginning of the semester (i go home every weekend)

I do have a boyfriend that also stays the night. However it’s a little different because I asked her before school started if she was fine with him staying the night 2-3 day’s a week because this was his last semester and he decided to commute. She immediately agreed to this and said it was no problem. My boyfriend also is never there unless I am, meaning he has other places to be (school, friends ect) Her boyfriend NEVER leaves. He has no friends up here, doesn’t go to school or work, and sits on the couch playing video games all day. Which annoys me because hes nice but sometimes I want the place to myself, when my roommate isn’t there. Though he is crazy quiet and doesn’t disturb me.

I’m nervous to bring it up because she flipped out over the summer for no reason and I don’t want to feel tense or passive aggressive in the apartment. I also don’t want her to start having a problem with my friends coming over or my boyfriend staying the night if I complain about her boyfriend. Because I’m super non-confrontational and have social anxiety (and because since her boyfriends always there I can’t get her alone but mostly the other reason) I want to text her instead of talk to her face to face because I can’t seem to accurately get my point across in person but I don’t know how. I know my personal skills are ass. What should I say or how should I word things? I can’t live with a third person, especially a guy, since that means I can’t walk around comfortable.

“When we talked about boyfriends be over, it was in the context of them staying over 2-3 times a week at night. It was not having them being hear 24 hours a day for 5 days a week…when you aren’t here. I don’t want a 3rd roommate…either he needs to not be here all week or he needs to start paying rent.”

Pot calling the kettle black situation.

Similar to what can result from a poorly drafted contract.

First, I totally get your desire to enjoy your apartment alone when your roommate isn’t there. You signed up for one roommate, not two.

My guess is that your roommate started giving you attitude because she really just wants to live with her boyfriend, but her parents probably wouldn’t be down for that. However, she needs you because 1) you are female and therefore an “approved” roommate, and 2) you have the means to pay 1/2 of the rent/utilities, when he does not.

What are your options? One, you could have a talk with her (in person, be a big girl - tone and facial expressions get lost in texts) and try to negotiate boyfriend rules moving forward. Best case, you two can agree and abide and live harmoniously for the rest of your lease; worst case, she doubles down and makes the rest of your time together very unpleasant. Two, you could keep mum, grit your teeth through the end of your lease, looking for another roommate in the meantime with whom you can establish firm boyfriend rules up front. Best case, you get through the next few months with little conflict (because she’s getting what she wants); worst case, you bury your resentment, or wind up taking it out on other people.

If you think you can talk with her and she might be open to compromise, give it a shot. If you feel she will just resent you, you may just want to gut it out for the next few months until your lease is up.

You can say “Hey, I know we agreed that having the guys stay over was fine, but now that we’re doing it there are just too many people in the apartment. What do you want to do?” Be prepared that either no boys stay over or that she suggests you move out. Is the boyfriend planning to get a job near your school? It seems strange that he’s there M-F with no school and no job, and then they go home on weekends.

If you get the apt every weekend, that sounds like a good trade off for your being there 3 nights and hers being there 5. It’s still a lot of people in what I assume is a small apt with one bathroom.

Does he live with her back home? I wonder if his parents think he is attending school or working.

Worse comes to worse you talk to your RA or Landlord about another person living there.

I wish I could just move out but the lease says I can’t and I thankfully the lease ends January. I actually also leave every weekend so I don’t get the apartment those days either. I don’t know a lot about him but I think he dropped out of school. I only ever see him playing video games. However the apartment is 2 bedroom 2 bathroom so I don’t share any space with them. If I did it would have been ended a while ago

I think you need tofind different living arrangement in Jan. You both should have been clear about it from the start, but if he’s living there, at the very least, you should demand he pay rent. Your relationship is probably unsalvageable now, so be the adult and just say it like it is: he’s living there and should pay rent.

And OP’s boyfriend is living there too. Roommate’s boyfriend is there M-F and OP’s boyfriend is there 3 nights a week. I don’t see much difference if they are all gone on weekends.

There is a difference in being their for 5 days a week during the day when the roommate isn’t there, vs being there only at night when the OP is there.

I think OP is completely in the right, at least based on the facts she gave us.

I also think the roommate will wig out and insist that if her bf can’t stay then OP boyfriend can’t either. It also sounds like OP isn’t confrontational. When one party is and the other isn’t, the confrontational one tends to overpower the discussion in an emotional situation like this. Logic and compromise don’t always win the day.

Not sure that the right answer is. The fair one is that he pays rent, but if he plays Fortnite as his full time job I don’t see that happening

@dadof4kids : If roommate’s boyfriend is required to pay rent, then shouldn’t OP’s boyfriend also be required to pay rent ?

Also, there are always three sides to every story = mine, yours & the truth. We are only getting one side of the story & it is not entirely favorable to OP.

You could text her something like the following: “hey, I’m fine with your bf staying over a couple of nights a week but I’m not comfortable with him being here constantly M-F unless we talk about him contributing to rent and utiliites. What would you guys prefer - have him just stay over up to 3x a week and leave in the morning when you leave for class, or should we figure out how to work rent out for 3 of us in 2 rooms?”

Since he’s there all the time, maybe talk to the roommate’s boyfriend. Find out why he’s there all the time. Regarding rent, it could be argued that they are using one bedroom and one bathroom, while the OP and her boyfriend use the other, and each is paying half the rent, so asking him to pay rent doesn’t really change anything.

A bigger concern is what happens in January - who gets to keep the apartment? Does the OP want to stay there, and have the roommate and boyfriend move out, or will she be the one moving? If she plans to move, she should start looking now. And if there is a reasonable option to move now, she can talk to the landlord. Yes, she has a lease, and simply moving would break the lease, but that doesn’t mean the landlord can’t let her out of the lease (maybe he has another property she could move to, resulting in no loss of income to him, and she could lease that through next semester).

The OP doesn’t want to be confrontational, but this is her apartment too. She needs to set boundaries - if he’s not listed on the lease, the boyfriend shouldn’t be there when the roommate isn’t. She does need to be prepared for a swing in the other direction - no overnight guests, including her own boyfriend. Unfortunately the OP opened the door by asking to have her boyfriend stay 3 nights a week, and now the roommate has expanded it. She needs to remind the roommate that 5-7 nights a week is not what they discussed. He is not only occupying her private space, but also the common spaces, which restricts the OP’s usage of some of the space she’s paying for.

Or you could put him to work cleaning your apartment, doing dishes and the laundry instead of 24/7 video games.

Since this is a two bed & two bath apartment, and since both have their boyfriends there several nights a week, two wrongs do not make a right. Just move when the lease expires.

Since OP goes home every weekend, the “wrongs” of both roommates are more similar than one might think at first glance.

Begin looking for a space you can afford alone. Even a shoe box would be better for peace of mind.

@Publisher totally agree about the facts. That’s why I started my post by saying based on the facts OP gave us.

as to your first point I think there is a difference between someone who is primarily just sleeping there 2 - 3 days a week vs someone who is there during the day every day… One of them I don’t really notice, the other one is playing Xbox when I want to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen in my underwear and maybe plop down on the couch and watch some show on that same TV that is now tied up by the Xbox.

Actually, if it was me that would solve the problem. I’m confident if I was prancing around the apartment and getting comfortable on the couch half naked that would clear the room. Not sure that a 20 year old girl doing the same would have that effect though! She would just end up with a new set of problems.

Another idea:

Tell her that if he is going to be in the apt during the day when she is not there, he needs to be in her room.