same college as bf, what do parents think?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I know this is the parent's forum, but I need some reasonable advice, so i figured I would explain here.</p>

<p>I am a senior, and my bf is in his second year of college. We've been going out for 3 1/2 yrs. He goes to college in NYC. When he was a senior we had made a little deal that whatever college he decided to go to, i would apply for the heck of it. When my time came, I did this, and I also applied to other schools, around NYC because I plan on commuting. I did not get into my first choice, Barnard, and so I had to unfortunately consider the other colleges. AT first it was the battle between NYU GSP, Fordham, and Stevens, but I feel that NYU Gsp and Stevens do not allow the oppurtunities that I need to have open in college. As I read more, and visited, I slowly fell in love with my bf school, Fordham.</p>

<p>I had warned him from the beggining that I prefered not going to college with him, and that he should not put his hopes up, however as May 1st aproaches, I am dealing with a little dilemma in my head. I do not want to attend college with my boyfriend b/c of the idea that I need independence.</p>

<p>Should i sacrifice the school i feel i will be better at, and has more oppurtunities for me, and go somewhere else because my bf attends it or should I just go.</p>

<p>This is not about breaking up with him, or will a we make it thead. It is about me, a very independent person from the start, knowing that I will want my freedom, and I am scared that by being in the same campus I might have to end up giving up time i could spend meeting new friends to be with him. I know this case would be reduced at another school.</p>

<p>I know this is confusing, but thanks for reading, please comment me or send me a pm.</p>

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<p>Fordham has 2 campuses. If you have been admitted to the same one your bf attends.... would it work for you to attend the other? (I don't know what the procedures are for transfer between the campuses, but I'll bet you could get a pretty quick answer on that from the admissions office)</p>

3

<p>I was expecting this to be a parent post about not wanting their daughter at the same school as the b/f or a student post wanting the opposite. Your post surprised me a lot - in a good way. You are unusual ;) and have a mature attitude.</p>

<p>First I would say if you love this school don't choose to not go there because of your boyfriend.</p>

<p>But to somewhat contradict myself - you are right to see that there could be pitfalls. My daughter and her boyfriend, who had been together a couple of years and are both freshmen, are attending the same college. The very pitfalls you are worried about are exactly what I worried about and are exactly what ended up happening. They both failed to get involved in any ECs or clubs, did not make an effort to really get involved, have not made many other good friends because they were pretty much joined at the hip from day 1. They are in the same dorm so even the people in the dorm are shared friends. Actually in their case they have now actually broken up and it is awkward to say the least.) Anyway my daughter is planning to approach next year very differently and really make an effort to get involved. She has just recently joined one club but with just a few weeks left and finals fast approaching there is not much going on. </p>

<p>In your case you are aware of the potential pitfalls which is a good start. If you really love the school and want to go there then you probably should have a good discussion with him set some ground rules for yourself and for him. Off the top of my head:
1. Don't live in the same dorms or anywhere near each other. At least not the first year. That way you get your own group in the dorms.
2. Choose at least 1 or 2 activities that are 'your' thing - that he is not involved in. That way you will make your own set of friends.
3. Discuss the fact that you want a social life outside of your relationship with him. That you will want to go to movies with other friends etc. Hopefully he is ok with that. If not then you may want to rethink going there. </p>

<p>The fact that he has been there a couple of years means he has probably already got a group of friends. It will be really easy for you to take the easy road in a new place and hang out with him and his friends and do what they are doing. It will probably take a really concerted effort on your part to 'do your own thing'. But the good thing is that you are so aware of that already. Personally I think it is good and healthy for couple of any age to have their own individual interests and hobbies as well as shared interests.</p>

<p>I am sure there is a lot more but I am too tired to think of anything right now and am blanking.</p>

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<p>If you were going to any of the other NYC-area schools, you'd still give up a day or evening, likely, once weekly to get over to his campus anyway, which pulls you away from your path on your campus. Starting any freshman year with a commitment is somewhat of a time-eater, even if live at a different campus across the city. </p>

<p>So equating the two situations, and since you favor Fordham for your own important reasons, what if you said you'd arrange to meet each other only once per week at Fordham when you're a freshman, but he shouldn't expect anything more?You're in a big city, anyway, and it'd be like working and dating weekly, I guess.</p>

<p>Just an idea. That would set up a boundary, be even with the other schools you might have attended (including even Barnard) there'd have been limitations. Only at Fordham, you have to build in the limitations and stick to them. </p>

<p>I don't think bf's presence at Fordham should now make you choose AWAY from what's right for you academically. Either way, he shouldn't control your choices, you should. So I'd say: Fordham, with specific limits.</p>

<p>Also agreeing with above poster: don't hang with him and his crowd. They're juniors and will graduate; you'll have made no friends to carry you through your own four years. And if you break up sooner, well....you get the idea.</p>

<p>Good luck! I like your independent spirit.</p>

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<p>eccentricme ~ I sent you a PM - we just went through this!</p>

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<p>Kitty: I just sent you one as well....we are going through this also....</p>

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<p>IMO, if you have chosen the school because of the school itself, and not because of your bf, then go for it. If he were not at Fordham, would there be any discussion? If not, then go ahead.</p>

<p>Have the discussions with bf. Let him realize that you want the same freshman year experiences as he's had. That means doing things that don't involve him.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Discuss the fact that you want a social life outside of your relationship with him. That you will want to go to movies with other friends etc. Hopefully he is ok with that. If not then you may want to rethink going there.

[/quote]

I agree with this, except for the last sentence. I'd edit it to say, "If not, then you may want to rethink him, and whether he really has your best interests at heart."</p>

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<p>Hey calmom, the major I am interested in which differs from the other Universities I am considering are at LC and plus since I plan on commuting, LC is a better option.</p>

<p>swimcatsmom, my bf is already in a club and I plan on doing as well and playing intramural, thanks a lot for the donts that you gave me i will take that into consideration</p>

<p>paying3tuitions, thanks, its true, the seeying each other once a week made me thinkg of others idea as well as that one, such as taking the bus home together, and stuff, and the time we are on campus is for our friends, and ourselves.</p>

<p>thanks a lot for your comments, if you guys can think of any other ideas of how i could balance this, let me know. thank you</p>

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<p>The probability of this relationship lasting more than few months to a year is very low. I would go to where ever I thought I would get the best eduction for myself. We have seen 3 of these things not pan out, when there were long-run wedding plans. College is a growth experience and both of you will change. Why not go with the flow and expience it to the fullest.</p>

10

<p>"Should i sacrifice the school i feel i will be better at, and has more oppurtunities for me, and go somewhere else because my bf attends it or should I just go."</p>

<p>Go to the school that you feel would be best for you.
If he doesn't support that decision, he wasn't a good match for you because he values his desires over your needs.</p>

<p>Also, most high school romances do not end up being lifetime commitments. If yours is destined to be a lifelong commitment, that will occur even if you and your boyfriend go to different colleges. I know people, for instance, who went to med school 2,000 miles apart, and are still together 30 years later.</p>

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<p>My cousin told me when I was applying to colleges not to go somewhere just because a boyfriend was there. I didn't have a boyfriend, but when dh and I were deciding on grad schools we ended up on opposite coasts for three long years. Not much fun, but our relationship survived.</p>

<p>In your case it sounds like you want to go to Fordham for the right reasons. I agree with the others, that you should do your best to have the same freshman experiences you would have had wherever else you might have gone to school. If that means there's some overlap in clubs and activities that's fine, but remember college is a great time to branch out and try new things and meet new people. Good luck in making it work!</p>

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<p>Here's an interesting idea. I think it's a big deal difference whether or not you present yourself socially at orientation as "having a boyfriend" or not. Are you both willing to forego that label for a term, just so you can meet many people freely? It's not breaking up; it's just loosening up a bit. It could make a difference in how you bond with everybody first term. But it might be tooooo scary; only you know. </p>

<p>This could be a time to declare you're coming to the campus, and will still see him, but don't want to be exclusive. </p>

<p>If you hate that idea, just forget it. He may or may not like it. Maybe he should line up and compete for you again :)</p>

<p>Either way, I think you're getting a consensus here to go to Fordham because you have good reasons to go there.</p>

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<p>hello, yes i def want to go there because of academics reasons, i love it, the fact that my bf goes there is actually what makes me think.</p>

<p>paying3tuitions if you can please elaborate a bit more, i think i understood you but i am not completely sure, do you mean like an actual break or more of a hide your relationship status type of thing.</p>

<p>my bf is very understandable he would support my decision to go wherever, i just got my nyu finaid and it was horrible. I do think he would mind the above idea but i am still interested in what you have to say.</p>

<p>I think I am going to send my deposit to fordham, i really liked it and the students seemed so amiable.</p>

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<p>Things work out differently for different people; it depends on the relationship. My very good friend's daughter and her bf went off to a competitive university together and lived in dorms next to one another, though not in the same dorm. They are still together 3 years later and have had a great college experience, plenty of ECs, good grades, etc. They seem to be able to balance relationship, school, friends, alone time, etc. Both are funny laid-back independent people who don't seem to stress about much of anything. Perhaps following one's heart (about the school) and letting things happen as they may, will not turn out so badly.</p>

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<p>You would have the same problem if you were to meet a new boyfriend after you arrived at school. The new boyfriend could also prevent you from making new friends or experience freshman year if you let him. I think it's perfectly fine to go to your bf's school, as long as you are comfortable with the amount time you'll be spending together. One of my daughter's best friend did just that. She set a good boundary with her bf. She makes sure she has time for her friends and other ECs. So I think it's really up to you.</p>

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<p>Yah, I don't mean to meddle if you've got a great relationship that you'd like to see become even greater in the coming years. He might be your Forever One and you don't want to hurt that. So hard to know.</p>

<p>I was just musing that with a new beginning for you, and a change in social environment for him when you actually are on campus regularly (not just vacation visits), it's a natural time to look at new beginnings for your own relationship together. I've been married 26 years, but we've had at least 5 different agreements or informal contracts between us in those years, in which we've said, "here is a big change in externalities (new job for one of us, a first child, etc.)." We need to redefine how we will operate under the new reality. Without breaking up, we might change distribution of household chores, for example, because we're the same 2 people but in a new setting. </p>

<p>So it's neither a break-up nor a hiding of a relationship, but perhaps create a new verbal contract together that reflects both new situations (with an older relationship).</p>

<p>Here's what to think in your head: at freshman orientation, many happy friendly people circulate. Any random boy says, "do you want to go for ice cream with me after this session breaks?" Do you say, "Yes"? Do you say, "Yes" but make sure to mention in passing "my boyfriend..." within the first 5 minutes of the conversation so he knows you're "taken" and won't try to meet again...</p>

<p>This label of "I have a boyfriend" can make you feel proud, but it also might define how you get to know everyone else in your freshman class.</p>

<p>What I meant by "loosening up" not "Breaking up" is to consider if you'd both forego the label of "my boyfriend.." "this is my girlfriend.." for a few months.
You can see each other as if you've just met each other, and date weekly if you think so, but perhaps not declare ownership or operate as exclusively as before. </p>

<p>If things have gone beyond just dating, of course, that adds yet another dimension to such decisions, in which "breaking up" seems more necessary since you're both too honest to cheat on each other, obviously.</p>

<p>That's what I meant. I don't know at all what to recommend, I wouldn't dare (not knowing either of you). It's just a flow of ideas that might twig ideas on you. You have many choices here. </p>

<p>You don't want to lose a gem, but you also don't need to be possessed by a guy either. I don't entirely know what it means to introduce someone in a group as "my boyfriend" anymore...but it used to mean "nobody else may dare be attracted to me or ask me anywhere." Does it still? </p>

<p>When you go to college, you want your whole life to open up, and that can be supported by a wonderful boyfriend or inhibited by old expectations from a good guy.</p>

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<p>I have just one comment to throw in...your post says you plan on commuting and bf goes to the school. If your bf lives in the dorm, please understand that his roommate is paying for a double not a triple. I know several students who are living with guys who have gfs who are "commuting" but spend most of their time it the guys room.<br>
It makes for a bad situation. </p>

<p>As far as attending the same school, it seems to me that you are very mature and have considered all the options. Now you just have to get very quiet and listen to your heart. Good luck.</p>

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<p>jeje ebeeeee, ive heard that two. My boyfriend commutes but he lives much closer to the city than i do.</p>

<p>paying3tuitions thanks a lot for taking your time to explain your idea to me. I was thinking about the ice cream thing, and I would probably tell the guy 15 mins in, but i understand what you are saying.</p>

<p>Most of my friends(who arent really his) are guys and i usually spend time with some from time to time, so this whole wanting independence thing is not new lol, it has been established in hs.</p>

<p>I stumbled into the conversation with him, and we were almost on the same page so it was good. I explained to him how I want to develop my own circle of friends and I do plan on joining some clubs. He pretty much said that as long as I dont forget about him, and set some time that doesnt neccesarily have to be at school like go watch an opera and things like that it would all be good. My bf is not possesive in any way, so I doubt I have anything to worry about. But at first I was being too negative with the whole situation so I am glad I made this thread, thanks a lot.</p>

<p>I think as long as I keep in mind to balance my life, I will be fine. I am almost set about Fordham.</p>

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<p>Sounds like both you and your boyfriend have really good mature attitudes. Sounds like you will do great whatever you decide. Good luck.</p>

<p>PS does your boyfriend have a like minded friend you can send my daughter's way? Her ex was a possessive control freak!</p>