SAT Essay Grade

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hi all,</p>

<p>First of all: Good luck to all you other SAT participants in the nearby future.</p>

<p>I am a Danish student applying for college admission in 2013, and therefore I plan to take the SAT on October 6th. I feel confident about all sections except the essay and therefore, I will appreciate if any will grade and shortly comment the attempt in the bottom of this message. I know my second examples might seem quite spontaneous and vague-however, being a Danish student, I have a limited amount of literary examples that seem to fit with any essay prompt. I am trying to compile a list of possible examples before the test, but feel free to suggest examples. Furthermore, is this attempt too short?</p>

<p>Essay prompt:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>Essay answer:
Society will and must always depend on individuals, and therefore it is of great importance that individuals take more responsibility for their communities and the nation in general.
The argument that society depends mainly on individuals was advocated by Adam Smith in various articles and books from the late 1700s, the most famous book being "The Wealth of Nations" from 1776. Smith argued that in any efficient and strong society, the individuals will be the core foundation. One of his main ideas supporting this claim is that of self-interest: individuals have an interest in creating the best situation for themselves, but this is also beneficial to society. A classic example by Smith is that of the company owner, who seeks profit, but in doing so also creates a demand for labor, thereby generating increased income and more production. This epitomizes the importance of the individual in generating development in society.
Another important factor in the realization of the important role of the individual lies in the fact that the integrity of any government is far exceeded by that of all individuals. Most of the world's most successful businesses--Cola Cola, Apple, Microsoft, and Pepsi to name just a few--were created by individuals, independent from any form of tight surveillance that a state company would normally face. This shows that ground-shaking ideas stem from individuals with a unique idea, and no government in the world can match the unrestricted imagination nor the creativity of an entire population of individuals.
It can therefore be concluded, that because of the fact that individuals are so important for societal development and have an accumulated power far greater than that of any government, individuals are required to take more responsibility in their local communities and the nation in general.</p>

2

<p>To begin, this is a very strong essay. Each paragraph presents a different supporting idea for your thesis, and within each paragraph you provide additional ideas to deepen the support for the topic sentence of the paragraph. In short, your essay has a “multi-layered” analysis and what I call high “idea density”, which basically means many ideas in relatively few words. Both are rare in SAT essays and are required for high scores.</p>

<p>By way of contrast, lower scoring essays usually have development that looks like the following:</p>

<p>Too many essays say, in effect, I have one idea. Here is an example of my one idea. Here is another example of my one idea. In conclusion, this is my one idea. </p>

<p>Another misuse of examples occurs when the writer says: My topic is about mistakes. Napoleon made a mistake. Now let me tell you all I know or can make up about Napoleon. </p>

<p>What they should say is: Here is my main idea. Here is an example that illustrates and explains more about that idea. Here is another example that adds even more consideration of other aspects of that idea.</p>

<p>The last is what your essay does.</p>

<p>The most serious reservation I have about the essay is that the two examples focus on the role of the individual as a capitalist contributing to the economy of the society. What about the other, more diverse roles individuals play in the health of their society? I’m thinking in terms of criticism of errors made by the government or other groups who influence events that affect everyone in the society(corporations, political parties and criminal organizations as a few examples). Early in your second body paragraph, I really thought that was where you were going. Had you added that idea to what you already presented, this essay would have clearly earned a 12 score.</p>

<p>Before I leave the point, I want to copy and paste a part of the criticism I made of another student’s essay. It suggests some points I think will help you……</p>

<p>An alternative idea for intros and conclusions can be thought of as a funnel and a megaphone. The intro is a funnel that is wide at the top and then becomes progressively more focused and specific as it narrows to the other end. That is how you lead the reader into your idea. Let’s use your topic, the importance of teaching history, and see how the funnel can work.</p>

<p>These past few years, globalization has forced American companies to compete against the nations of Europe and Asia in all areas of business activity from relatively low-skilled manufacturing to the highest levels of technological development. In the face of this fierce competition, there are many who argue that in America’s schools there is no longer time for music, art and the “social sciences” that have been taught in the past. There is much that is true in their claim, but when they attack the teaching of history, they have gone too far.</p>

<p>I think you (the student to whom I was writing) can see how the intro provides a wide context within which the topic emerges and then focuses in closer and closer from the world’s economy, to American business, to American education, to the curriculum, to history, to your position about teaching history. There are 6 layers of thinking there.</p>

<p>…………Now back to your (your) essay. </p>

<p>I realize that you only have 25 minutes to write an SAT essay. In the sample introduction above I mentioned 6 ideas while my plan clearly is to develop only one in any real depth: the value of teaching history. Still, simply by mentioning the other 5 ideas, I have included them in the essay. Note that I did not randomly jam them into the conversation. They are presented as a natural part of the flow of ideas and have a logical purpose for being included in the essay. However, while they have each received only the briefest of mention, they still add to the intellectual content of the essay.</p>

<p>Going further, note that many of the 6 general ideas are themselves supported by more detailed examples. I don’t say American companies compete against the companies of other nations. I give two somewhat more concrete examples of those nations…those in Europe and those in Asia. Likewise I don’t just refer to ‘business activity’. I give examples of ‘low-skilled manufacturing’ and ‘technological development’. Finally, I give three concrete examples of the kind of classes critics say should be cut from American schools: music, art and the social sciences. There were 7 examples in 20 words.</p>

<p>To recap (‘recapitulate’, is the non-abbreviated form of that word), that paragraph presents 6 general ideas and 7 examples in about 75 words. That’s what I mean by the term ‘idea density’.</p>

<p>Your writing tends toward high idea density right now. But I mention it because, as you write papers in the future, you should be checking to be sure you are presenting your ideas as efficiently as possible. This goes for all kinds of writing. Ideas are interesting. Repetition, long sentences full of irrelevant details and meaningless phrases are boring. As a rule, the more ideas you have in a given number of words, the more interesting your writing will be. Further, the more you work to perfect the skill of writing efficiently, the more easily and naturally it will come to you. Work on that now, and it will certainly have an influence on your SAT essay.</p>

<p>As part of that, you need to deal with the question of where the ideas will come from. Of course, they will come from your reading, your education and your own experience. The fact that you are 19 helps tremendously. You have had two more years to accumulate those ideas. That’s nice, but age alone guarantees nothing. Between now and the test, you must be finely tuned in to the events and the people around you. They are the source of the ideas you will be including in your essay.</p>

<p>Finally, I should mention that there are several subtle hints that you are not a native English speaker. By ‘subtle’ I mean ‘subtle’. They are minor. I don’t believe, judging by this essay, that you need to worry very much about errors in grammar or idiom affecting your score.</p>

<p>If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Good luck on your test.</p>

3

<p>Thank you very much for your elaborate comment, Wood5440. I sincerely appreciate that you have taken your time to help me. </p>

<p>I have read your comment carefully, and be certain that I will take note of it and try to incorporate your criticism in my essays. I can definitely see that the points you are making will increase the strength of any essay and hopefully mine as well. Again, thank you.</p>

4

<p>Instead of creating a new thread, I decided just to reply with another essay that I hope someone out there would be happy to comment and perhaps grade. If you would like, you could also read the first essay I posted on this thread in the the first thread post.
Here is the essay prompt for my new essay:</p>

<p>“What is your view of the claim that the opinion of the majority is not always right?”</p>

<p>And here’s the answer:</p>

<pre><code> Many times, the majority seems to be wrong, and its opinion should therefore not be accepted uncritically. History shows several examples of the majority being wrong. One landmark case is that of Galileo Galilei, who advocated that the earth moves around the sun and not the other way around, as the church proclaimed at that time. In the novel “1984” by George Orwell, Orwell also shows how the majority can be wrong. Evidence of this also emerges in the business world, where the prominent figure Steve Jobs created an entire company by believing his opinion and not that of the majority.
In “1984”, the protagonist Winston fights the general opinion that the current society form of the fictive nation Oceania is the best society form possible. Oceania is ruled by a totalitarian regime lead by what is called ‘the Party’, and the most of the population seems to accept the regime as the best and ultimate ruler of the people. Winston sees through this fallacy misconception and tries to fight the party, however, without success.
Another example of opposition against the opinion of the majority lies with the historical figure Galileo Galilei. Living in a time, where the general public believed that the earth was the center of the universe, a belief hugely advocated by the church, Galilei fought to proof that this was a false claim, and that the earth rotates the sun. Although unsuccessful to convince the majority, Galilei was, as evidence today shows, right in his claim, and thus fought against a majority holding on to a feeble fallacy.
In contrast to the previous examples, the case of Steve Jobs, who pursued his own ideas and did not simply indulge in the general opinion, shows a case, in which this principle paid off. Steve Jobs was one of the creators of the now famous computer company Apple Inc., which he led to great success. One principle of his was to always belief in his own opinion about products and inventions in general, and not to believe the possible skepticism of the public or the board at Apple. What most people thought was impossible to do, was what Jobs aimed to do, and thus, by listening to his own beliefs instead of that of the majority, Steve Jobs experienced numerous successes.
It shows, by the fallacies and wrong claims accepted by the majorities in “1984” and in the time of Galilei, and by the success of Apple and Steve Jobs that the majority is not always right. It also follows that believing in what makes sense for one self might instead be a more sensible approach that may very well lead to great personal success.
</code></pre>

5

<p>I’ve made another essay, which I hope someone will want to comment.</p>

<p>Prompt: Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?</p>

<p>For several decades, historians have discussed why historic events and developments take place. Many debates have been lead out in the purpose of finding out whether the catalysts of historic change are the idealistic motives of leaders or the materialistic elements of society. However, refuting that the daily actions of average people do not have a significant impact on the course of history would be an unacceptable fallacy.</p>

<p>The famous economist Adam Smith was one of the first persons in the world history give a logical explanation to why the everyday actions of ordinary people have an important impact on history. In his famous work from 1776 entitled “Wealth of Nations”, Smith argues that every man acts on his own interest. To some, this might sound innately immoral, but Smith argues that this principle of self-interest is beneficial to society as a whole. Smith uses the classic example of the businessman, who, as a part of his daily routine, seeks to create profit. By doing so, however, the businessman creates a demand for labor, which in turn creates higher income and therefore a demand for production. Therefore, by the daily actions of the businessman, namely running his business and demanding labor, he takes part in shaping the economy and thereby the history as well.</p>

<p>Another example with a more tangible consequence stems from the American Civil War. General Lee was leading the Confederate Army towards Maryland and had so far had good fortune, but a serendipitous discovery made by a group of Union soldiers curtailed Lee’s fortune. What the soldiers found was important Confederate battle plans, today known as the “Special Order No 191”, lying on the ground alongside three cigars. The Union General McClellan chose not to act proactively on the secret information, but it did contribute in prohibiting Lee from carrying on his Maryland campaign, thereby also contributing to the final victory of the Union. This clearly underscores that even the daily and most trivial actions, which patrolling is for a soldier, might lead to fortunate discoveries that change the course of history.</p>

<p>History changes its course for many and sometimes obscures reasons and thereby continues to puzzle historians. From Smith’s reasoning, however, it is evident that simple actions made by average people have an inherent impact on history. As shown by the discovery of the “Special Order No 191”, minutiae of ordinary people also play an immediate and pivotal part in changing the course of history. This truly does show the unpredictability of history.</p>