SAT Essay Help? (Please take a look at this)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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Hello everyone! I’ve just done practice test 4 from the Big Blue SAT Book by CollegeBoard, and I was just wondering if someone could grade my essay. Here it is (done under time constraints ofc):

ESSAY PROMPT
Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.

Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?

Essay:
Changes that make our lives easier do not necessarily improve the quality of our lives. While, in some instances, changes can be beneficial to our overall well-being, (like in the invention of the toilet, in the purification of water, etc.) this notion does not hold true for all situations. To specify, in the cases of social media, fast-food, and cell-phones, our generation’s health has vastly deteriorated.

Social media has dominated our lives for the past several years. Whether our usage of this be through Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, we have not only shown interest in it via our rampant usage, but also obsession. Its benefits are immeasurable: seamless communication, the viewing of others’ personal endeavors, etc. However, our obsession with these services has caused us to degenerate as a race, which can be seen through people’s inability to verbally express themselves, and in the psychological after-effects of seeing others’ “perfect” personas online, and feeling depressed as a result. Social media’s benefits are, thus, accompanied with major drawbacks.

Likewise, fast-food has become an iconic part of the world that we reside in. Advertisements and promotions are littered across the internet, the roads, and even in parks! Because of its luring trait - being able to get hot food very “fast” - our populations has inculcated it into our daily diets and culture. Nonetheless, its highly unhealthy contents has contribute to obesity in children, heart-issues, and general lethargy for humans. Its convenient nickname of “fast-food” is a misnomer, as it is likely to make one slower.

Having a telephone at your fingertips has allowed people to be connected with everyone else, at all times. This permits quick access to contact others, to the internet, and to social media, ergo accelerating the communication between humans. Especially with the integration of internet-related apps and social media, cell-phones’ importance has exponentially increased in our society. Anyhow, we have grown obsessed with it; it has come to the point where many cannot even go a minute without checking his or her phone. Is this really a convenience?

Therefore, things and changes that ease-up our lifestyles are not necessarily beneficial, as seen in the cases of social media, fast-food, and cell-phones. Humans should retain some hardships, because those hardships might be preventing us from going insane and becoming unhealthy.

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Bump.

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  1. A couple of notes:
  2. You need to add a few challenging vocabulary words
  3. Your introductory paragraph needs to be more clear. When you are evaluating the counter argument, there's no need to give examples of it and support it. You're better off saying..."While some argue that changes are beneficial to our overall well-being, a careful analysis of X, Y, and Z show that, in fact, these changes are harmful."
  4. 392 words is a good amount. However, I order to score an 11/12, I think you should try to write about 59 more words within the time limit.
  5. Don't say etc.
  6. The biggest problem is your examples aren't specific. They're general and quite frankly, not the most interesting. For example, when you talk about fast food, all you say is that while these restaurants save time, they are unhealthy. A better paragraph would tell the story of aunt David, a man who began eating at fast food restaurants three times a week to save time from his busy schedule. However, as the years progressed, he became obese and had many heart problems. Sadly, his decision to save time and not evaluate the problems associated with fast food led to his death in 2007. David was only 60 years old." My paragraph is more specific, more interesting, and will get a higher score - period.
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Thanks for your input, @golfcashoahu ! I did hear back from a couple of other sources (including PrepNow, an online SAT Tutoring service that has trained professionals that grade the essays), and some said that I would get a 12 on this essay. If I were to use this format with only TWO support-paragraphs, like I have done in the past, I would most certainly get an 8 on the essay. However, because I used three support-paragraphs, some people gave me a 12 on it. I’m not sure though, because looking back at it, it is pretty bad haha. Not exactly a great writer under timed conditions, but I guess I’ll have to improve. Once again, thanks for the feedback!

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Can someone please grade my essay?
Also give some suggestions on improvement.
Thanks in advance.

Assignment: Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?

MY ESSAY:

Knowledge has always been essential to human life. However,the same knowledge that has helped in our development can also ruin us. If the knowledge we have is not controlled properly, it can end up controlling us and become a burden. A plethora of examples in both history and literature substantiate this claim.

Knowledge has engendered various inventions and discoveries. However, if this knowledge is not used prudently, it often leads to catastrophic results. This statement is perfectly exemplified by the unfortunate bombing of Hiroshima-Nagasaki during the Second World War. Although the discovery of nuclear energy had led to beginning of a new era in field of non-conventional sources of energy,it had also led to the development of nuclear bombs that resulted in the horrific attack on Japan. This attack continues to have an effect on the lives of Japanese because of the nuclear radiations.

The book “Frankenstein” reestablishes the fact that knowledge can be a burden and instead of making our lives easier can rob us of various joys of our life. Victor Frankenstein devotes his whole career in order to find the formula to create “life”. He finally succeeds in his attempt, but as soon as he sees his creation he eschews it because of its hideous looks. Frankenstein regrets about the “monster” he had created. He feels all the more upset when he becomes of the aware of the fact that his “creation” has murdered two innocent souls. Thus Frankenstein’s knowledge becomes his albatross and continues to haunt him till his death.

Furthermore, not only in fiction, but also in reality knowledge can lead to despair and sorrow. This statement is supported by Alfred Nobel’s discovery of gun powder and the subsequent sorrow and regret that is experienced by him. When Alfred discovered the gun powder, he thought that it would benefit the miners in exploitation of the minerals. But soon the destructive property of gun powder came to be used for development of arms and ammunition. Alfred Nobel felt that he was the cause of death of millions of people who died because of these weapons. He lived his life full of regret, pain and guilt. He wished that he had never discovered gun powder.

In the light of above examples, one realises that knowledge can be both the beginning of a new civilisation and also the end of a civilisation. The only way to not let knowledge overpower us is that we learn to respect it and fear its imprudent use.

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@roboticsnerd33 I like your style of writing because it is easy to follow. Your arguments may seen ordinary, you should make them specific. Thus they will be more credible. Grade: 8-9 / 12

If you or anybody else could offer some feedback on my essay I would very much appreciate it.

The prompt is: Does loyalty require unconditional support?

Loyalty can be expressed in many ways. I truly believe that all forms of loyalty not only require unconditional support, but are also synonymous with it.

One great example of loyalty can be found in my country’s past. At the end of the Battle of Independence, a small brigade of Romanian soldiers remained. These brave men were under attack, but they fought back in order to defend their flag. The flag if the country to which they were so loyal. The Romanian soldiers came out victorious. Their loyalty made fight heroically and support their country unconditionally.

There also suggestive examples of loyalty in many books. For example, in “The Mysterious Island” by Joules Verne, five Americans become stranded on a deserted territory in the Pacific Ocean. Out of these five, it is Cyrus Harding, an engineer, who earns the respect and the loyalty of the others. Upon landing on this island via a balloon, Harding is injured. Despite this he manages to command his fellow castaways who build the beginning of a mini-colony. After recovering, the engineer uses his vast knowledge to create a prosperous society. He could not have done it without the unconditional support of his loyal friends.

An emotional real life story is that of the dog Hachiko, later transformed into a successful movie. This dog in the akita breed was so loyal to his owner that it waited for him at the train station as he returned from work. And Hachiko did this every day. Then came one day when its owner passed away and did not return. Such was the love for its owner that the dog kept coming at the train station. And it did so for nine years. Hachiko loved and supported its owner unconditionally.

Loyalty cannot even exist without unconditional support. Whether it is defending your country and flag, following your leader or loving your owner, it is loyalty at the heart of it all.