<p>I have SAT tomorrow, so any help is appreciated. Thanks for your time.</p>
<p>Prompt: Could success be dangerous?</p>
<pre><code> Success is a desirable outcome that many people pursue in life; however, it is also the bane of a successful person because it often solicits jealousy and animosity from others. Examples from my personal experience, literary works, and history should justify my thesis.
In my junior year, I was picked to be the debate captain of my school, it elicited both boon and bane in my world. For example. The older classmen who were not chosen for the captain position often spoke virulently behind my back, I remember one of them said that all juniors were incompetent in debate and seniors should be the only ones manage the debate team in my school. Facing constant jealous and acrimonious comments from the older classmen, I felt my success as being the captain in the debate team caused me much harm than I have ever imagined.
In the Harry Potter series, Harry was also a victim of the unexpected jealousy resulted in his success. As Harry was seen as the Chosen One in the wizardry and witchcraft world, Draco Malfoy took unscrupulous actions, such as slandering and defaming, to show his jealousy about Harry’s success. When Harry was picked as the youngest member of a sport team in Hogwarts, Malfoy derided Harry would cause his team to lose in any future game. Thus jealousy from his classmate had caused many unhappy times in Harry’s days at Hogwarts.
Andrew Jackson, a common man who rose to become the former president of the United States, was no exception in this case. When he had gained higher popular vote and electoral vote than those of John Quincy Adams, many of whom opposed his election slandered o his wife and accused her of having committed adultery. Jackson was successful at his second attempt to win election, but he could not escape from the negative consequences elicited from his success. Thus, Jackson’s ultimate success had dangerous effects on his personal life.
Although success can push people to happy endings, it could also result negative consequences in their lives. As demonstrated by my personal experience, literary work, and history, success is dangerous at times.
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<p>OK evidence and vocab. There were some grammar issues, but nothing too distracting as to significantly affect your score. One the main issues I have with this essay is the rigid writing style.
For example: “Examples from my personal experience, literary works, and history should justify my thesis.”
Sometimes there’s no fluency in your sentences and transitions, making you sound more like a writing robot than a person. Also, it might have been better if you had another reason for why success can be dangerous; using 3 pieces of evidence to prove that people are jealous of those who are successful seems unnecessary.
Overall, I’d also give you an 9 (or just somewhere between 8 and 10).</p>
<p>I would give this a 7-8. Essentially you gave three different examples with the same point: success invokes jealousy. Like @mineO3O said, are there any other reasons? The prompt is very broad and is not limited to the success of a person. Success also means different things. </p>
<p>An example I thought of when first reading the prompt was the Atomic bomb and Hiroshima and how even though the U.S successfully ended the war with Japan through the atomic bomb, the bomb also murdered thousands of innocent civilians. And in the end the “success” of the atomic bomb led to further warfare, destruction, and death. </p>
<p>In your intro “Success is a desirable outcome that many people pursue in life; however, it is also the bane of a successful person because it often solicits jealousy and animosity from others. Examples from my personal experience, literary works, and history should justify my thesis.” </p>
<p>I would revise it to: “Success is a desirable outcome that many people pursue in life. However, it is also the bane of a successful person because it often solicits jealousy and animosity from others as seen in Harry Potter, Andrew Jackson, and myself.” </p>
<p>I think your writing style is nice, but your use of vocabulary seems forced. You write well, you just need to think up of different examples (and I don’t mean “different” as in different topics from history, literature, etc). You need different reasons. And you need to articulate your reasons more clearly. The readers really don’t care about how elegantly written an essay is if the content lacks substance. It’s okay to be plain and blatant with your points. For example in your Harry Potter essay:</p>
<p>“Thus jealousy from his classmate had caused many unhappy times in Harry’s days at Hogwarts” That’s your reasoning. All the sentences before that one just provided background information. Ask yourself: HOW did jealousy from peers affect Harry Potter and his success? Expand on that last sentence, go into depths of his unhappy times. I think that would easily make your essay a 10 if you did that for each example. </p>