seeking help- child with unsympathetic parents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I came here for some advice on what I should do. </p>

<p>My parents have not been kind to me at all. They have not allowed me to pursue any outside activity without the uttermost inconvenience. I've been "punished" (aka hit) numerous times, dating back to being a small child. I remember being a little kid in second grade and being so afraid after I received a test grade of a 64 on a math test. It seems really stupid now, but back then, it felt very real and terrifying. It didn't stop- it continued, with marathon math sections on saturdays in sixth grade (I would study math all day), where I wasn't allowed to eat anything all day, except late at night where I would sneak in the kitchen to grab something quickly so I wouldn't get caught. Being practically shut out at home, all day, everyday- for almost all of my life. The only outside EC I was "allowed" to do- only because I practically begged for months was lacrosse. But that only lasted for a year and a half. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere outside my town. I did however, manage to go a few times, since some of the parents were really nice and I carpooled. Everything not math or science is looked upon as inferior to my parents. They keep saying how "I am a failure". I've tried talking to them. They just do not understand. I think the only thing I regret was not being more assertive as a child- I just "assumed" my parents knew what is "best" for me. I do not want to fit into their ethnic and religious mold, I really don't. </p>

<p>I kept a quote that my dad said to me a few months ago and I think it is representative of what my dad thinks of me. It reads: "I have spent over $100,000 on you, I could've spent that money elsewhere". The worst part of it is, I am the kind of person who is very extroverted, and works a lot better with other people, and who is involved in things. I grew very depressed in high school and my grades were mediocre. Move along four years later, and I am forced to attend my local university, in my hometown, and continue living here. I wasn't "allowed" to apply anywhere else, I was forced to stay here. (No money for application fees or ACT/SAT scores!). </p>

<p>Literally, I am horrified about staying here. Also, my father is a professor at this university to add to the shock of it all. I feel almost like, if any of my high school teachers knew about my situation- they'd realize how it impacted me.
What I came here for help on, is that, I am considering applying for schools to transfer to my sophomore year. I want to cut off all connections with my parents- but, I don't know if I should talk about this in my essays.</p>

2

<p>It definitely sounds as though transferring would be a good choice for you, BUT you have to ask yourself whether it is financially possible.</p>

3

<p>I have great sympathy for your situation. What you have endured certainly sounds like at least emotional abuse, if not physical abuse as well. I can understand your unwillingness to put up with an intolerable situation any longer. Some parents are just awful people and awful parents, I’m sorry you got stuck with them.</p>

<p>I’m not sure the essay is the place to talk about this, but somewhere on your application (additional info?) you’ll need to explain a bit about your situation since you’re going to need to apply for financial aid. And herein lies the rub - I’ve read that it it difficult to apply for fin aid without including your parents’ income on the forms. And it appears if you transfer you will be doing it without any support from them at all. </p>

<p>You may want to post something on the Fin Aid discussion board of CC, I’m sure there are folks there more knowledgeable about the ins-and-outs of separating yourself financially from your parents.</p>

<p>Good luck to you, and best wishes.</p>

4

<p>If this story is true then you had a childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But you survived and now you’re older than 18. Legally you are an adult and your parents can no longer force you to do anything. You need to move out, anyway you can figure out how to do that.</p>

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<p>You need to let this one go. You were the child in the situation, not the adult. I doubt very much that anything you would have thought of to say would have changed anything.</p>

5

<p>Collegekid-- good luck, be motivated, ignore your parents, use their home for the free room, get a few jobs that are fun & on campus too keep super busy & away from your parents, take advantage of whatever they will pay for education sounds like tuition is free if your father is a professor. Then when you have saved money & are willing to move out-- go for it. Make good decisions, you are in control of your destiny but in the meantime you are paying your dues (unfortunately at a very high price).</p>

6

<p>The most important thing for you is to achieve financial independence. If you can work hard enough to get a full ride at another school, that would be the answer to your problems. As long as you depend on your parents for financial support, you’re at a big handicap to go your own way.</p>

7

<p>It sounds like you are about to start your freshman year. I think you will find that you have more control over your life, even if you are staying in the same town.
Most schools have free confidential counseling available on campus. You will benefit from sorting out your feelings and deciding how to move toward independence.</p>

8

<p>Thanks a lot everyone- It really makes me more confident to know that many other parents actually care about their children and they do not see them merely as an “investment” or a toy to manipulate. </p>

<p>I do realize that I need some sort of aid. The big problem that I am conflicted with is whether or not I should even mention my life situation in my transfer essays. I feel it is considerably more difficult to life in a town and be trapped in the middle of nowhere, than live in a city. I remember reading a few weeks ago, about a girl who was homeless all her life, and ended up going to going to Harvard. The point is, although her mother not a big help, she wasn’t an obstacle. She could sign up for activities that interested and go places on her own. I can’t, and I feel like that isn’t fair at all.</p>

9

<p>perhaps including this in your essay would be OK if you were able to put a positive spin on it- something that you triumphed over instead of something that has kept you from reaching your goals. Overcoming obstacles in life shows perseverance and determination. If you could find a way write about your childhood in that context you might end up with a wonderful essay.</p>

10

<p>I think that the place to talk about your home situation is with the financial aid office, not neccesarily your essay.</p>

<p>Is there ANYONE in your life (clergy, teacher, anyone) who can be something of a ‘witness’ to your reasons for cutting yourself off from your parents totally?</p>

<p>I think that your biggest stumbling block in getting away from your parents is going to be financial. If you are willing to work your way through college rather than have the ‘typical’ college experience then that will be to your advantage.</p>

<p>I have heard that it is really, really hard to have yourself declared an independent student for financial aid purposes. Having someone who can verify your difficult living conditions and the fact that your parents are totally not supportive would help with the financial aid office determination. However, I’m not sure if you’ll be able to get declared independent for FAFSA purposes.</p>

<p>I really think it’s unfair how hard it is to be declared an independent student for FAFSA purposes. There have to be a lot of kids trapped in situations like yours where their parents are completely unsupportive and a detriment to the mental well-being AND the educational hopes of their kids.</p>

<p>I was checking into what options are available for kids whose parents are being ‘difficult’ and there just aren’t many options to help kids in your situation. It’s very sad. On one hand I do think that parents should have the right to determine what they’ll spend their money on and have the freedom to help guide their kid without a lot of interference from others…on the other hand, there are kids in your situation where your parents are leaving you almost no options and without SOME support from them (even with something as mundane as getting a job…like if you need transportation) then you’re trapped.</p>

11

<p>By the way, do you have a job?</p>

<p>A friend of my sons was having a hard time at home, being threatened with being thrown out of the house upon turning 18 (halfway through his senior year, but it didn’t happen) and stuff like that. Thing is, his dad wouldn’t allow him to get a job…so how was he supposed to find a new place to live? Didn’t make sense to me. But he wasn’t allowed to have a job because he was supposed to be ‘concentrating on his schoolwork.’</p>

<p>Anyway, if you have a job start saving your money.</p>

<p>How are your grades?</p>

12

<p>You are a long way away from writing your transfer essay; don’t obsess about it now. Your task in the coming months is to get as much as you can out of the college you are at, even if it “horrifies” you, to get involved with things that keep you out of the house and make you happy, and to start earning money. You can think about your transfer applications in 7-8 months. But transferring – with the aid you would need – isn’t going to be a sure thing at all, so don’t hang all of your hopes on that. The sure thing, the thing you can control, is making a happy, engaged life for yourself where you are.</p>

<p>Also, I don’t want to excuse your parents’ abuse, but more likely than not their behavior was motivated by love, not disregard, and you know that. They will have to come to accept you as you are, but that is going to get easier as time goes on and they lose the illusion that they can do anything about it, or that they could have done anything to change it. Chances are, you WILL reach an accommodation with them, and both you and they will be happy with it. Time, remember, is on your side. You (and they) are used to thinking of them as powerful and in control, and you as subservient and controlled. But the reality is that, very soon and for a long time thereafter, longer than your lifetime so far, YOU will be in control of the relationship, and THEY will be subservient. They may never acknowledge that explicitly, but it will still be true. You will have the relationship with them that you choose, and they will be desperate for you to choose to love them and to pay attention to them.</p>

<p>So, start acting like an adult, like the adult you want to be. Take the long view. Be patient. Little by little, you are winning, and they are losing. Be a gracious winner.</p>

<p>(And remember, when you have children, which may not be so far in the future, they will look at your relationship with your parents as the model for their relationship with you when they are older. Try to give them a good model.)</p>

13

<ol>
<li>Attend college at your parents’ expense</li>
<li>Get stellar grades, recommendations, research</li>
<li>Graduate</li>
<li>Get a job</li>
<li>Move away</li>
<li>Never talk to your parents again. Don’t include them in your life.</li>
<li>You win</li>
</ol>

14

<p>Ditto what Batllo said. </p>

<p>View the next four years as a count down. WHen it’s over, you will be moving out with a 4 year degree under your belt. That will give you many more options than you have now. When you are in collge, you can be so busy (even if it’s just studying at the library) that you won’t have to be home too much.</p>

15

<p>Thanks a lot for the support. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I should talk about this in my essays. Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t,even though they have ruined most of my childhood.</p>

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<p>I told a friend. He was shocked, and wanted me to apply to the same colleges as him. I couldn’t do it, because I didn’t have any money to send my test scores and other materials.</p>

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I have been trying to find jobs- but I am not allowed one, and I don’t want to work fast food or retail. My parents say that I should concentrate on my studies, and that they didn’t have jobs when they went to school- unless it was in the summer. (I am in the summer now- and I still don’t think asking for a job would go well with them)</p>

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Nothing great. I have a 3.2-3.3 i think, and its a 4.0 weighted or so. I am in the top 17% of my class and I made a 26 on the ACT. I think I am going to retake my ACT and hopefully it will go higher. </p>

<p>I can’t forgive them after what they’ve done. Whenever I think about them, I get sick to my stomach. I can’t find a way to forgive someone who has hurt me that much. </p>

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I don’t want to associate myself with someone who can manipulate me. For example, when I was a young kid, I was carrying the groceries home, and I lost something. I was told to go back and look for it, and I couldn’t find it. I was yelled and pushed, to the point I was crying, and I really thought it was my fault and I thought it was the end of the world. It wasn’t- I was just a 10, 11 year old kid who lost groceries- it happens. (and you would think a 50 something year old adult with life experience would know that). It goes to the point even today, since my parents, “pay for my education” I am forced to have a science major, even though I want to major in political science and become a lawyer. Its just better to avoid any more of those situations. </p>

<p>Is it okay if I email a few undergrad admissions officers and ask them about the topic of one of my essays/financial aid and what is their opinion on it? or is that too specific?</p>

16

<p>I think if you describe things in an essay as you have here, it will sound whiny and as if you feel entitled to your choice of schools. I especially would not mention that you are not willing to take a job in fast food or retail.</p>

17

<p>If you rule out jobs in fast food or retail then your choices are pretty limited.</p>

<p>As I see it, if you aren’t willing to work at whatever job you can find, including fast food and retail, then you are, essentially, saying that if it’s a choice between working one of those jobs and living with your parents then your choice is living with your parents. So it must not be THAT bad if you’d rather live with them than work fast food.</p>

<p>Okay, so now you’re saying ‘NO, NO…it’s NOT okay to live with them!!! I can’t stand it any longer!!!’</p>

<p>The reality is that no one is going to magically fix this for you. No one is going to come along and rescue you. If you want out then YOU must take matters into your own hands. YOU will need to persist and persevere. If you hit a dead end then you have to look for another option. If none of your ‘dream first jobs’ are available then you may need to work in fast food or retail.</p>

<p>A job, especially at this stage of your life, is NOT likely to be the only job you ever have. You need to look at it as baby steps towards what you ultimately want. </p>

<p>Your ultimate goal is to make some money so that you have options. Even if you think that your parents won’t allow you to get a job you don’t KNOW that they won’t because it doesn’t sound as if you’ve approached them about it. Plus, why not just apply for jobs and when you get one simply TELL your parents that you have a job now.</p>

<p>What will happen if they don’t LIKE that you have a job? Will they prevent you from doing the things that you WANT to do? Oh, wait, they already do that, so there’s no downside. Explain to them that you want to contribute to your own education. </p>

<p>This is a situation where you can either sit back and complain about your situation…or you can suck it up and live with the situation until you complete your degree…OR you can actively do something to change your life. Even a college degree is not going to magically change the relationship you have with your parents. </p>

<p>It sounds as if you have nothing to lose by asserting yourself. But YOU have to make the change.</p>

18

<p>You should not email admissions or financial aid officers. They are not counselors. It sounds to me like you need to seek out counseling in your area. If you are starting as a freshman in the fall there will be services on campus.</p>

19

<p>This makes me very sad. It seems so outlandish and yet I believe what the OP is posting. I believe it really is possible for parents to act this way given all the craziness in our society right now. I know a family who pushed their poor son into engineering, which he despised, and he labored mightily to please them only to graduate with very good grades this past may and so far been completely without job offers. </p>

<p>It will take a lot of inner fortitude but your best bet is to exploit your parents for the next few years. Live at home, attend the local school, apply yourself to your classes, and strive for financial independence. You need to figure out how to dwell in their house in such a way that you have some privacy and emotional distance from them. This will take a lot of self-control but is, I think, the only realistic option.</p>

<p>Believe it or not, your parents are to be pitied more than you. They face much worse pain ahead.</p>

20

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<p>That logic doesn’t make sense to me. For example, lets say there’s a very skilled employee that can get a good job. Just because the economy is recession, doesn’t mean he should panic and just work as a janitor. There’s nothing wrong with looking for good jobs if I can find them. I guess my post earlier might’ve sounded a bit pretentious, but it wasn’t meant that way. I am not looking for a dream job- I just would prefer a job where, I don’t flip burgers all day. I don’t turn 18 until december anyway, and I think I might have a campus job.</p>

<p>I mean, thanks everyone, but I think I will go at it my own way now.</p>