Senior parents: Help for parents of juniors

<p>thumper1, I second the advice on not applying to a school you would not attend. We had an in-state safety that our S was terrified he would be "forced" to attend. When we told him we wouldn't even have him apply since he felt so strongly, he was insanely grateful and relieved.</p>

<p>Well I think it is very important to have a financial safety in case of an emergency. I know someone that was supposed to attend Hartwick. Her dad lost his job in May of her senior year and they already had another D in college. The senior ended up going to her community college for one year. Her father was able to replace his job, fortunately within a few months, but did not recover enough financially to enable her to attend a private school. She went to her 2nd tier state school and only one class out of 8 transferred from the community college.</p>

<p>In reply to the idea about getting ostracized for not "disclosing" your college list, I found that as a senior this year, levelling worked well for me. For early action, I told people I didn't want to give them updates of when decisions come out etc. because I didn't want to be gossip fodder and mentioned how it's nerve-wracking. They left me alone until I was ready to share EA decisions, and I'm very happy with the way things went. So I second the polite change of subject!</p>

<p>Kids talked behind others backs about how secretive and ridiculous they were being etc. etc. When S saw this happening at his school, he decided he didn't want the negative rep that went along with it and "disclosed." >></p>

<p>My daughter faced some of this as well. Luckily, her list changed so much between October and December that she could very truthfully just say "I don't know where I'm applying yet" if anyone pushed her too hard about "naming names." </p>

<p>She did say that it was great to see the surprise on everyone's face when she showed up the day after Christmas break wearing the sweatshirt of the EA school she'd decided to attend. :)</p>

<p>My S decided not to share where he was applying. He just told his friends that between school visits and his parents "on his case" he did not want to talk about college with his friends too. His friends accepted and respected his reasoning.</p>

<p>The kids have to play the disclose/not disclose game by ear. Some classes will be more competitive in this way than others.
Parents should becareful with thelist around other parents, well-meaning friends and relatives - they are the ones who can drive you nuts, mostly while just trying to be supportive and helpful.</p>

<p>Listen to your child, and remember that in many ways their personalities are still the same as they were when they were tiny - if your son tends to have trouble with transitions, he may express all the anxiety about leaving home in procrastination. You know them best, when to push, when not to push - be sensitive to the child you have lived with for the last 17 years.</p>

<p>The need for visiting varies greatly from child to child - my child wanted to visit at first, but she had seen enough after the first 3, the rest were more for Mom and Dad who were sending her so far away.</p>

<p>Buy lots of ice cream, bubble bath, win and funny movies - you'll need it.</p>

<p>There is a lot of good advice above, but I think the most important thing the parent of a junior can do is not mentioned.</p>

<p>Help your kid prepare for college. Start looking for summer programs, preferably programs on college campuses. A few weeks at a summer program can help a lot in gaining social skills, confidence and starting to understand some of the things to look for when selecting a college. Hopefully they have already had some summer experience away from home. If not, don't omit this experience. It is pretty sad to read about kids who are intensely lonely and cannot seem to adjust to college life. It must be very painful to have a kid in that situation. Don't be overconfident because your kid is doing well socially in HS. That doesn't mean they will adapt well in college.</p>

<p>I definitely second the advice of northeastmom to consider getting recs from junior year teachers before the end of the year! Two of S's junior year teachers left before senior year and it caused a real problem, especially since he wanted to apply ED. He ended up asking a senior year teacher and one junior year teacher for recs - but it was early in the year and the senior yr. teacher didn't really know him as a student yet. Luckily, it worked out fine, but it could have been a problem.</p>

<p>Cangel, my son always hated transitions and I knew that is why he was procrastinating. With slight nudges and an ear if he wanted to talk, we got through it. Starting early helped a lot.
I also second the suggestion about the recs, one teacher my son picked for his second rec became semi-retired the following year and only in school part time. It took months for the rec to be done.
My son was also vague about his colleges but found most of his friends were the same to some degree. He found the "why didn't you apply here" annoying from well meaning adults and one even cornered him with "alumni recs" for his alma mater at a holiday party. It was a top 10 college, but not his type and he would of hated it if he got in. He politely said his apps were done, thank you, etc. with a smile, but you could see the resentment on the man's face. My husband said he mentioned it twice after that and by January, finally stopped. Well- meaning maybe, but awkward.
Also, this might not be true in a lot of cases, but many of our friends had children that would of hated our state schools, too large, party atomosphere or lower tier, etc. A couple of them found that a lower tier LAC worked out well, with generous packages given to them that would of equaled going to the state school. They received a lot of attention, were both in the honor program and ended up being very happy. (at least up to junior year so far)</p>

<p>Plan your teacher recommendations carefully, and early. In a large public High School, teachers are not always willing to write multiple letters, and some would not compose a generic letter – it had to be specific to a school. With many schools requiring 2 teacher recommendations (some only from teachers of academic subjects), it quickly becomes a limiting factor. Teachers were often slow or forgetful when it came to following through with the recommendations, but your Guidance Counselor should be able to help. We had to drop plans for applications to a couple of stretch schools because of this.</p>

<p>Use extreme caution on Early Decision. There can be financial consequences, which are well described on this board. First, it takes away your opportunity to compare financial offers. Second, you are generally obligated to enroll. Third, if the school is a stretch, negative results can be demoralizing. </p>

<p>Get some objective help creating a list of prospective schools. We used Destination-U.com, but there are many options out there. After my daughter answered the detailed questionnaire, the recommendation came back with very surprising and refreshing suggestions. I found over the months that followed that when I would try to second-guess the list of suggested schools by throwing another possibility into the mix that I had overlooked some factor that was important to my daughter. In fact, the very first school suggested by the service will probably be the final choice. </p>

<p>Beware procrastination – especially regarding essays. Find the prompts for all the prospective colleges first if you can, and have you kid write the ones that interest her – because you will run into prompts that are incredibly banal, or just plain stupid, and they can be discouraging. Getting these essays written was the biggest source of conflict between my daughter and me – and we did end up missing a deadline because of it.</p>

<p>Be aware of the National Association of College Admission Counseling code of conduct at <a href="http://www.nacacnet.org/MemberPortal/ForStudents/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nacacnet.org/MemberPortal/ForStudents/&lt;/a> discussed on this site.</p>

<p>Beware a loss of perspective. Especially reading this web site! There are a lot of extremely intense people posting here (present company excluded!) – some for many years – and it can get you pretty uptight.</p>

<p>I need to repeat my biggest piece of advice for the newbies--Love the kid you have, not the kid you wish you had. It's so easy to parent the kid who gets good grades, plans ahead, asks for help, has focus and direction, and exhibits maturity beyond his years. For those of you w/alpha kids-- congrats. </p>

<p>For everyone else, try to keep perspective. Not everyone is curing cancer at age 16 and winning athletic competitions and studying Latin in their free time "just because". Not everyone is avidly checking out online course catalgues during jr year or cultivating relationships w/their GC during sophhomore year or writing letters to their congressman to see if theyneed help drafting legislation over winter break.</p>

<p>Our kids get into college, too. Some are late-bloomers and really take off just as the over-achievers are burning out. Some are just lazy. Others would rather watch Law and Order re-runs intheir spare time then get on the treadmill of life they see their classmates on.</p>

<p>It is surely harder to be a parent to the kid on the sofa than the one who is valedictorian and winning athletic competitions.... but someone's got to do it.</p>

<p>My sofa kid is graduating from college in a few months. Hard to believe.</p>

<p>The absolute best book is Paying for College without Going Broke by Kalman Chany. This book breaks down what you should be doing from year to year to get ready financially...and there are LOTS of things you can do to make sure your money is in the right places so that you can maximize your aid---if you don't wait until it's too late. It also has samples of the FAFSA with the worksheets so that you can see how they arrive at your numbers. I read the book once before my son entered the "base year"...and then re-read the book when it was time to complete the FAFSA this year. Their projections were almost right on with the real FAFSA numbers.</p>

<p>Lots of good points. Here are a couple that I don't remember seeing.</p>

<ol>
<li>Carolyn wrote :

[quote]
Expect your child to change, and to change his/her mind, between the spring of junior year and the time applications need to be sent out in senior year.

[/quote]
</li>
</ol>

<p>I'll add: and expect your child to change, and to change his/her mind, between the time the applications are sent out and April 1, when many acceptances are sent out - and even between April 1 and April 30, deadline date.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Take the PSAT seriously: it isn't just a "practice" SAT; it sets the eligibility for National Merit Scholarships, a point some high schools don't remember to mention.</p></li>
<li><p>Calculate your EFC in the different ways mentioned. Then, when you recover, recalculate the financial situations.</p></li>
<li><p>In calculating expected college costs, build in an average annual increase of 7%.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Blossom, I have been meaning to tell you that there were a number of days last fall when I found myself reminding myself of "Blossom's Maxim." Thank you for those times. Your advice to love the kid you have helped.</p>

<p>What a great post, blossom. Has me running to resurrect the Coward Writing Awards.</p>

<p>Remember that mertit scholarships don't usually increase as tuition and fees increase. That 12,000 scholarships looks pretty good if tuition is 23,000... it doesn't look as good the next year when tuition is 25,000 then 27,000 then 29,000.</p>

<p>And the kid on the sofa can be pretty sweet and caring when he wishes...There are other rewards than decals. Nice post Blossom.</p>

<p>Allow your son/daughter to find the schools that are the best fit for him/her. It may not be the most prestigious or hardest (acceptance wise) schools he/she can get into. For too many kids and parents, the college application process has become a contest to see who gets in to the most prestigious and highest ranked schools. This process isn't about our bragging rights as parents, it's about helping our child to find a place where he/she can thrive and be comfortable to call their home for the next four years.</p>

<p>In order to help them find that "best fit" you have to really listen to them. Make a list of the factors that are important to them. After each school visit, talk about their experience. Find out what they liked and didn't like and make revisions to the list of important factors. Based on our discussions after my son had visited four very different schools (one medium and one large state school, a medium size private university and a small liberal arts college) we were able to eliminate many schools and zone in on the types of schools that best met his preferred criteria.</p>

<p>joinville, I did what you said and things were less stressful for us. My son would of applied to 2 schools instead of 6, if his GC didn't tell him that wasn't a great idea and through elimination, came down a small but usable list. He was lucky (?) that the 2 schools he felt a fit at, wer also well within his range and his list was match/safties except for one. (his least favorite it ended up). Tonight, while at my gym and later at the grocery store, 2 adults, one male and one female, aquaintances from school, pointedly asked me my sons colleges. All the usual vagueness failed and I decided to name a few. Both times, I got the same response, "Where are his reaches?" and "he could do better than that" by both of the them. I was speechless. They didn't even know my son very well or our financial situation. Even if you think a parent/child is wrong, you refrain from saying things like that. I wasn't going to start naming why he didnt' like her daughters college or justify his choices, but it made me realize how intertwined parents are with their child's choices. "Like" or "Love" only exists for them if they like or love a certain Ivy or similiar college. I guess I felt miffed because I know I missed a great one-liner, but next time I'll be prepared. Everyone had been so "close to the cuff" before, maybe not that apps are in, some parents are more curious.</p>

<p>Debruns, My H has experienced this at work. Clients and coworkers have asked him where our son is applying. Most of them care b/c they have a child applying too. One guy went down the list saying this is a third tier, that one is good, my D is applying to that one too (I guess this is the gold standard), other than the school of .... they accept everyone. My H actually listens to this stuff. I don't pay attention b/c we know which schools are a good fit and which ones are not.</p>