<p>After leaving the confines of my parents' home (many, many years ago), I've done my best to do as much dancing as possible (and many other things that I think are good for the soul!) :)</p>
<p>...and those of us who were too geeky to go (read: no date and the friends usually use babytalk with their boyfriends and sit on their laps, so who would want to go?).</p>
<p>Dance as if no one is watching
Sing as if no one can hear you....................</p>
<p>Have a fun prom and stay safe!!!</p>
<p>I told D that the hotel simply wasn't an option, and explained the reasons. (I was so glad I had plenty of ammunition from this thread, I never would have thought of as many negative aspects on my own). I think she also wants to go away to college so bad now that even she doesn't want to risk anything preventing that.</p>
<p>So she seemed pretty understanding, but told me she had checked with them and yes, all of her friends were still planning to do the hotel thing for after-prom, and she would be the only one to go directly home from the prom. :(</p>
<p>The latest wrinkle is her friends don't want to stay AT the prom hotel (why on earth not, I ask!) because it's not "nice" enough and they want to go to one more centrally located that's a bit better. The prom hotel is a bit out of the way. So the idea is they all meet at the local hotel that evening--I guess they primp there, etc--the limo picks everyone up from there and takes them to prom. Then when prom is over the limo(s) take them all back to the hotel where they stay the night. Again, this is basically all girls since it's an all girls school, but even so, they certainly have friends at coed schools, a few of the girls will have dates, and I'm sure the cell-phone grapevine could attract a lot of strays to come visit them.</p>
<p>I do feel bad that she has no alternative but to cut this evening short and just come home. Now I'm certain there are SOME girls at her school who will also not be allowed to stay at the hotel, but it would be someone outside of her main circle of friends and would seem a little forced to send her home with someone like that. I'm feeling like I should call some of her friends moms and ask if they themselves think the hotel idea is okay and try to get a few on the border to change their minds and go home together. Or call the school, yell at them, and make them send a few teachers to chaperone. And then part of me says, not to interfere, it's not your place anymore and hands-off--the time for trying to fix all her problems for her is over. Another part of me says well let her go back to the hotel with her friends for an hour and then pick her up. And then the SANE part of me say are you nuts that will be 1-2 in the morning! Schizophrenia city.....</p>
<p>No problem, as long as I have the adjoining room!!!!</p>
<p>It might develop, once other friends hear of your D's negative, that they fess up to parents not yet having approved either.</p>
<p>I would talk to the other moms- that is always one of the first things I do. Whether it is arguing over who gets to host the overnight- see if there is a dress to borrow or the latest gossip- it is good to touch base because when "all" the kids are going to be doing something- you have to know that that is not true
Ex- a family in my daughter grad class had a cabin in eastern wa- and were letting the kids stay there for several days after graduation ( after the boat ride etc)
I didn't find out about it- till I met with the other parents to plan graduation. It is true, some parents didn't think it was a big deal- but other parents were surprised that it was offered and that there was to be no supervison- My daughter hadn't even mentioned it to me, since she was not comfortable in that situation (she said "mom, there are some people I really don't want to see drunk"! )
but I was gratified to learn that while there were a couple parents who surprised me with their lassiz faire attitude ( the host parents for one), I also found parents who shared my attitude of "no....way..."</p>
<p>Taramom, I would be careful about calling around trying to convince other parents to change their minds so that your D won't be alone. Your decision is your decision....and though it seems to be a popular one on CC, it's obviously not the popular decision at your school. Calling around MIGHT convince a couple of parents to change their minds if you instill enough fear, and you just might be able to "undo" the plans.....but why? </p>
<p>We had a similar situation here last year.....a decision had been made to allow a certain liberty......multiple parents were involved. One parent, who has a child in SECOND grade, not even HS, decided to call her friends who were parents of a HS kid who was part of this event, and instill fear. Bottom line, she convinced one set of parents to pull their child out, which messed up the plans.....the kids were upset (girls in tears), parents were angry, and the busy-body mom wound up taking the blame for everything because she was "making mischief on the phone" (as we call this sort of thing). </p>
<p>You've made your decision for you D....why ruin everyone else's prom night?</p>
<p>I disagree, you dont necessarily have to try and convince them over the phone, just use some circumlocution and try to guage their responses. For example, ask them. "My daughter couldnt get all the detail about etc etc, do you know how thats going to work?"
and then try to see what they respond</p>
<p>that way if the plans do get interrupted your role in all of this will just be asking a question</p>
<p>I wouldnt reccomend trying to get parents to change their minds- but I am wondering if the teens are telling the whole story-
if you haven't talked to the other parents there is no way of knowing if they even realize what is happening and that there is to be no supervison.
Teens are not unknown to leave critical information out- and your best bet for helping your daughter with alternate plans is to talk to the other parents.
If you do decide to allow your daughter to attend- I suggest you call the hotel to gauge how well the hotel rules will be enforced- My daughter attended a rock concert at an all ages club with two boys when she was 13 and I spoke to the manager who reassured me of safety precautions and I allowed her to go. ( It was uneventful- except for her decision to "crowd surf")</p>
<p>What time are we talking here? Say Prom is over at 1am, the girls are going back to the hotel to what- talk and sleep? If so, they can do that at someone's house. </p>
<p>What I would do, is stay in the room. Or say, hey, why don't we parents all chip in $20 so a couple of parents can have a room in the hotel together. Soak in the tube. Mom and Dad, or two moms have a night on the town and get a room with a tv, a book, room service, some quiet time. The girls come back, hang out, mom is asleep but not comatose, and in the building. If these girls are reasonable, why not? (But sometimes parents want to be the cool ones). My plan puts parents on the property, but not intrusive, but if it gets out of hand, someone is there. If not, a romantic or relaxing evening can be had@@@</p>
<p>And just because its an all girls school- does that mean all of their dates will glady go home and not want to hang out? Are the girls going to the dance just the girls? Are others going in the Limo? It is very possible these girls will do exactly what they say. But friends can have other ideas!! </p>
<p>Heres how you call the moms: say you understand what the girls have planned and you know, knowing the grapevine you want to make sure you have the correct information. Feel it out. No judging, cause they will get defensive. Also, you are not making any assumptions the girls have "other plans" just getting the scoop.</p>
<p>I hate to go on and on with this thread....but it just rubs me wrong, for some reason.</p>
<p>Why would TaraMom call the other moms at all? She has decided that her D will not spend the night at the hotel.....period....end of story. She has decided to explore a couple of alternatives, such as maybe picking her D up from the hotel at a late hour, allowing her D some time with the other girls. But, in any event, calling the other moms to feel them out wouldn't serve any purpose IF TamaMom's mind is made up already.....except to potentially get the other moms agitated about the event. </p>
<p>BTW, TaraMom might also put her D in a bad position if she calls around ot the other moms and it gets out that the other girls didn't tell their parents the whole story. Tara obviously has enough trust in her mom to tell her the whole story....good, bad and ugly.....and ask her mom for permission, given the circumstances. </p>
<p>If the other girls don't trust their parents enough to give them the whole story, then Tara's mom might wind up putting Tara on the spot with her friends. This isn't Taramom's place. </p>
<p>What's going on is between Taramom and her D....and things seem to be working out for the best. Taramom's D has accepted the answer about the prom night activities and knows that her mom made that decision based on full disclosure. I wonder if the D will continue to fully disclose if her mom makes a big stink about this......calling the school? calling the hotel? calling the other parents? What for? I think this is where parents start to alienate themselves.....and where the communication breakdown begins.</p>
<p>I don't know why she wouldn't call the other moms- if these are Ds friends shouldn't she already have at least met them?</p>
<p>If she has decided on a compromise such as having her D stay a while at the hotel then pick her up- perhaps another girl is interested in the same plan- they could carpool.</p>
<p>I think - I know that teens expect their parents to check up on them. Some teens end up going farther than they feel comfortable with just because there isn't anyone that is saying stop.
What if another teen isn't comfortable with the situation but doesn't feel that she can either tell her parent- or admit that to her friends?
By Taramom bringing up the topic- it gets it at least talked about.
If I was a parent- who for some reason- didn't check out the situation- thought that there was going to be supervision and then later something happened & I found out that a parent knew- and didn't let her child participate- but didnt' alert any other parents - I would be "really put out".quoting Chris Sarandon in Princess Bride- on how he would feel if his bride was kidnapped/murdered on their wedding day</p>
<p>"If she has decided on a compromise such as having her D stay a while at the hotel then pick her up- perhaps another girl is interested in the same plan- they could carpool."</p>
<p>Then that girl can ask her parents and the girls can communicate back to the parents. At that point, the parents can link up. I don't think parents of "almost 18" yr olds should call each other to initiate transportation discussions.</p>
<p>well there are 17 year old and there are 17 yr olds.
My daughter doesn't have a problem with me having a number where she can be reached and she is almost 23. when she was 17, I knew her friends and I knew their parents. If I had had a question about what she was going to be doing- I wouldn't have hestitated to ask- it really wasn't a big deal.
Kids forget things- just look at how many kids on these boards ask if the application cut off date is final!
I don't understand what you think is going to happen of one of the girls moms contacts another girls mom. are they going to explode?
They aren't 18- they are minors- even if they were 18- if they are living in their parents house and the parents are supporting them- you can be sure that I think that their parents have every right to dictate rules.
Yes my kids have lots of control over their lives- but they do not usually have the final word- that is for when they are independent.</p>
1 Like
<p>Taramom, I have spent many a night on a chair outside of a hotel room. Not for proms and this is issue never came up for my kids, but for some sports events where I was responsible for a number of teens in a hotel. THere was never any big trouble on my watch as another Dad or Mom and I would just stay up all night and stay in the hallway. The problem is not the kids you know who are in the room. It comes from the party crashers, notably of the opposite sex. Now, I was guarding a room of boys, and I can tell you that hordes of girls came down the hall until they saw me sitting there. We also cruised the side of the hotel where their window was, and asked security to keep an eye on that as well. The kids were told what the situation was. For some evening activities we did have a mixed group of kids, both sexes in the room watching a movie, and "chilling" in the room, but in those cases, I sat in the room my self to make sure that no one went off without a destination clearly designated and kids went to the bathroom, one by one. I don't think everyone was happy with the way I did things, but we never had any incidents on my watch, but the year I stopped going, there was a terrible scandal. When an adult walked into an unsupervised room, there were girls passed around, drugs, liquor, and orgies galore. I was asked to return with pay since my S had outgrown this venue, but declined. I knew the parents who were supposed to be keeping an eye on these kids, and they would swear these were the nicest kids in the world and that they would never, never, never be indulging in drugs or drink as they were in the middle of competition and really could be drug tested. Well, they are that stupid, and modesty does not trump hormones, is all I can say, because they were nice kids. I knew many of them since kindergarten, and they were all very nice kids. But in the wrong situation, they could make stupid choices. A group of girls in a room together after the prom sounds harmless. A group of guys who know where they are staying makes it not so harmless. "Romeo and Juliet" is still very much in vogue, but the things are just not as flowery in speech. If you really want your D to be included in her circle of friends, I would take a room in the same hotel and sit in a chair outside of the room or take the adjoining room to keep out the crashers.</p>
<p>My neighbor permitted her D to have a slumber party in their basement room which has its own door to the yard. She was letting them have their privacy, until she heard suspicious sounds. The party was crashed by a number of guys and girls and they had all been drinking. Not only that but the bottle and containers were now all in her house. To just throw them out would be an issue, if they should have an accident around the corner since she would have knowingly sent under age kids under the influence on their way. She did was afraid they would just bolt if she demanded their names and car keys, and she was probably right, and they were in no condition to be driving. I called the cops. Yeah, the girl and friend were very upset, but what else is there to do. Too many accidents and problems with kids in that condition. By the way, some of the alcohol originated from that slumber party. The BYOB was not just the sleeping "bag" but a bag containing a bottle, and I suspect there was some drugs as well. Again, this young lad is a very nice kid, never caught in any trouble, never gave parents reason to believe that this could happen, and I think the parent is still in denial that the kid had some involvement in all of this.</p>
<p>jamimom - a beautiful exposition of why those of us with "good kids" still Just Say No.</p>
<p>this is in todays newspaper- a unsupervised house party in a nice neighborhood got out of hand.
It isn't the kids who are invited- its the kids who aren't.</p>
<p><a href="http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002244633_houseparty18m.html%5B/url%5D">http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002244633_houseparty18m.html</a>
memo: If you are going to have an after prom party at your house- make sure you are home ....
...*When they arrived at the home just after midnight last Monday, Seattle police found broken windows, holes in walls, a balcony railing ripped out and a printer sprayed with fire-extinguisher foam.</p>
<p>People had walked out of the home with nearly enough electronics equipment to open a small appliance store: a television set, a DVD player, a record player, three stereos, a boom box, two computers, a printer, three video-game consoles, an iPod and an estimated $1,000 worth of DVDs as well as a mountain bike, a backpack, coins and jewelry, according to a police report. *</p>
<p>I just wanted to report a happy ending!! Daughter's senior prom was Sat. night. All the kids in the group looked beautiful. They had a great time and all arrived safely to our home for the after-prom party. They were fun and well-mannered. Nothing stolen--nothing broken!!</p>
<p>Another "last time" event that produces a sense of sadness, but great pride in the beautiful young woman my daughter is becoming.</p>
<p>Its a parents nature I guess that were always second guessing ourselves. Theres always a downside no matter what we choose and we have to live with it. If I had decided to let her go stay with her friends, right now Id be worrying in advance about her and imagining lots of worst case scenarios. Since Ive told her no (under the current circumstances) now of course I cant help but feel guilt about prematurely ending her big night and wanting to make things better. It's always something. </p>
<p>I know most of the parents pretty well. So I see no problem in checking things out with them as far as what their plans are and making sure I have the correct information. Thats the tone I would take. I have no intention of judging anybody, instilling fear, or changing peoples minds. If someone happens to have similar concerns Ill share mine and as I said if someone else is also looking for an alternative plan Ill be happy to help them figure one out that benefits us both. Im not optimistic about that happening but if it did I dont see how this is undermining the other girls in the least. No way would I impose my views on someone whos happy with the arrangement. And if it turns out that some parents didn't get the whole story, well they can all go right ahead and shoot the messenger, it wont make me lose sleep at night. Its the girls who are less than truthful who ruin it for the rest, as I see it, not the other way around.</p>
<p>LOL, Jamimom I love how you handled your hotel situation, I really do, it's just I can hear what the other parents would say if I said I was going to rent a room and act as chaperoneGREAT, YOURE HIRED!. They would have all their worry (assuming they have any) erased at no cost to themwhats worse is their responsibility would be off their shoulders and---on mine. What a deal. Im not even thrilled with my idea of getting out of a warm bed at 2am to go pick her up. But it doesnt mean these options couldn't happen. Im willing to see how this will play out over the next couple weeks. Its possible other minds will change, maybe another safe option will come up, or some of us parents might join forces to help chaperone the way citygirlsmom described. Again Im not optimistic but Ill keep an open mind.</p>
<p>And I thought it was worth more than a minutes thought about citygirlsmom question of why cant they do the same thing at home? Well of course, that would be too logical wouldnt it, LOL. But this isnt about logic or rationality as we would see it at all. What the whole hotel thing is about is really a symbolic message or statement if you will, that the girls are broadcasting to their peers that they are now grown-up and independent, and not under their parents thumb. For a kid to resist joining in under that banner would be truly difficult and I cant help having a lot of empathy there.</p>