Sensitive

Parents Forum
21

<p>Good luck to you, roughfroshyr. It sounds like you’ve been doing a very good job of taking care of yourself in the aftermath of the assault. I’m very impressed that you arranged to get help before the break and again in February.</p>

<p>I wonder if you might be able to get some advice on the mother issue from other young women who have been through a similar experience. Is there a support group either on campus or in the general area of your school? When I went to college, there were stickers in all the women’s bathrooms with the phone number of a regional support and advocacy group for women who were dealing with sexual assault. I bet that almost every young women who has experienced an assault has also had to figure out how to deal with helpful and not-so-helpful parents, and it might help you to get some tips or just affirmation from others who have been in your shoes.</p>

22

<p>^^^“oh how obvious, the classic girl-had-been-drinking-gets-assaulted story that i warned you so much about”</p>

<p>Well obviously her warnings were dismissed, so if her intial reaction was one of anger who can blame her? </p>

<p>I told my kid a hundred times not to touch the hot stove. What does he do? Burns himself. My reactions… anger that he didn’t listen and fear that he was badly hurt. Only after those initial gut reactions did sympathy and tenderness emerge. </p>

<p>Who knows, maybe he still hates me for it… but I said, “How many times have I told you…as I yanked him up and stuck his hand in cold water”</p>

<p>Parents can only warn their kids so many times, but kids just don’t always hear. Teens know it all. Then they mess up and get mad at their parents because they know their parents are thinking “I told you so”. And they are right. Parents do think this. But not because of some need to be right, but because of the need to know that we didn’t fail our kids by not warning them of the dangers. </p>

<p>For every “I told you so” a parent utters, the same parents second guesses themselves and wonders, did I say it often enough, did I say it strong enough, could I have said more that would have prevented this"???</p>

<p>You may think you know your mother, but you really have no idea what all she is feeling, and you never will. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your family.</p>

23

<p>

</p>

<p>or “never will until she has a child of her own.” Trite, but true.</p>

24

<p>"Knowing my mother, I am very sure that she meant “obvious” as in “oh how obvious, the classic girl-had-been-drinking-gets-assaulted story that i warned you so much about”</p>

<p>It seems to me that the reason you don’t want to see your mom is your own sense of shame and guilt. You also have the guilt that you did drink, despite mom warning you. </p>

<p>I think you need to give yourself and your mom some grace. All kids try things that parents warn them about. A good mom warns you. A normal young person tests and tries things to develop his/ her own limits. (In your case, more about drinking than about sex.) You probably don’t want to face her because she did warn you but, trust me, she’s really sorry this happened. She would have preferred to be wrong. </p>

<p>You are the same wonderful young person now that you were before this happened but you have been wounded. It may be a very good idea for you to withdraw. If you are still at the same school and the young man is there, you may want to start somewhere new. Low grades this semester may hurt you more than a withdrawl.</p>

25

<p>roughfroshyear-please know that your situation is all too common and has been for generations of college girls-most girls probably have guilt and don’t tell their families-that’s OK; I’m glad you are going to a therapist and will get a medication consult; I think your mother wants to visit as she loves you and wants to help-she is scared for you; when she comes I agree, don’t feel as if you have to confess to her-you have a therapist to talk about the assault; keep your boundaries, but maybe you and your mom can spend some positive times together, eating out, enjoying the spring gardens, shopping…</p>

26

<p>I am so sorry this happened to you. I think the other posters have given a fairly good perspective on your mom’s reaction. I would add only one other thought there- in addition to her feeling betrayed that you had not told her sooner, she was also angry that her warnings about alcohol had not been heeded- in addition, she was angry at the perpetrator and at the fact that someone would take advantage of her beloved daughter. Her response was one of anger- not so much at you, but at the situation. She clearly regrets her words, as indicated by her desire to come and see you. </p>

<p>A couple of questions to ask yourself- have you discussed your mom’s reaction and her desired visit with your therapist? If yes, great- follow your therapist’s lead there. If not, think about doing so. </p>

<p>Does your mom know about the possibility of your withdrawal? If yes, OK- if no, then think about discussing how to tell her with your therapist. </p>

<p>Have you discussed the pros and cons of withdrawal with your therapist? Perhaps that would be helpful. </p>

<p>I would also recommend asking your therapist if he/she thinks it could be helpful for you and your mom to have some sessions together.</p>

27

<p>roughfroshyr, nothing that you did makes you responsible for the assault you experienced.</p>

<p>You have done so much to help yourself. I sense that you know what you need from your mother right now.</p>

<p>If it is for her to stay home, then you should ask her to stay home.</p>

<p>Mothers need so much from their children that I can completely understand why you do not need to deal with her emotions and needs at this point.</p>

28

<p>roughfroshyr, you are a victim of a violent crime. Most people would have a very difficult time dealing with the aftershocks, and parents can be a great help. I hear that you are seeing a therapist, and indeed you might need medications from a psychiatrist, and I urge you to check that out. It may help immensely.</p>

<p>I read all the posts, but I didn’t see any mention of reporting this to the police and school authorities. Even if you were intoxicated, his behavior was still criminal and illegal. It may be difficult for you to move on if the person who assaulted you is still out there and you are afraid that it might happen again. Or knowing that if he isn’t stopped, he may do it again to someone else.</p>

29

<p>I did not report the incident to police or school authorities.
I still have never disclosed to anybody (not even my therapist) exactly what happened that night. My inability to describe what was done to me and go through the story with another individual has made it impossible to report it.</p>

<p>It’s just incredibly hard for me to write or say what happened. I do feel guilty and like a coward for not reporting it to the authorities, but if I haven’t been able to tell any of my closest friends or my therapist, I just can’t tell multiple strangers like that. And I do feel really bad, and I hate seeing him but I don’t know how I could do that.</p>

<p>I’ve never even said his name out loud.</p>

<p>Thank you all again for your responses in regards to my mother. This has helped me try and see where she’s coming from, though I haven’t yet decided how I’m going to deal with the situation.</p>

30

<p>motheromine post #22 is unusually harsh! </p>

<p>Your mother’s initial response is somewhat easy to understand, but try to focus on the follow up communication with what appears to be unconditional love and support. Try, as best you can, to accept it. You can put conditions on what you’re willing to discuss with her…but…at this point…she probably just wants to hug you. And you may be surprised at how good that hug is likely to feel.</p>

<p>There is, and will be, additional advice on this thread about how to approach medication and depression, what you should do about this semester etc. Most people will have good intentions and will be sensitive. But, you should be able to trust your therapist, the Dean of Students at your school and your academic advisor(s) for the best actions to take.</p>

<p>So…here’s another piece of what I hope is well meaning advice: As you work through your hurt, depression and the guilt you seem to be feeling – try very hard to focus on all of things you’ve done right in your life. You were sexually assaulted, but give yourself time and devote energy so that the attacker does not continue to assault the rest of your life.</p>

31

<p>I stand by what I said in Post #30, but it was written before reading your post #29.</p>

<p>You must do everything possible to move beyond feeling like a coward, so that you can discuss with your therapist and get to a point where the incident can be reported. Sooner rather than later.</p>

32

<p>I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. </p>

<p>It’s absolutely imperative that you tell your therapist EVERYTHING that has happened – the incident itself, the problems with your mom, all of your feelings and difficulties – EVERYTHING. Yes, it will be incredibly painful, but it’s the only way you can begin to heal. Your therapist can only help you to the extent that you are willing to be completely open. You are safe with her. Please do this, sweetheart.</p>

33

<p>roughfroshyr, you say “I’m not failing any classes yet, but I do have an impossible time completing work.” So is it just a matter of time until you are failing? It may be that you need some time off from school to recover from this assault. But unless you tell the school authorities, they will never know what is going on with you, and why you may need special treatment. Also, if you continue to have “an impossible time completing work”, you at some point may be forced to take some time off from school whether you want to or not.</p>

<p>The therapist should be able to work with you to help you to be able to report this violent crime. Yes, the police officer that you tell the details to may be a stranger, but that officer has your best interests at heart and it is his/her job to help you in this situation. The school authorities might not have to be told details. You don’t have to be really specific with your friends and family. Everyone wants to help you, EXCEPT for your assaulter, and he gets to go on in his life as if he never did anything so horrible.</p>

<p>You need lots of help, beyond a therapist. You can’t just pull through this yourself. Give the authorities, friends and family a chance to support you.</p>

34

<p>As a survivor of several horrible things ; including domestic abuse both physical and emotional, two rapes, sexual assualts dating from middle school and a parent suicide when I was in my teens &b I have been in therapy off and on over the years, including with and without medication, to varying degrees of success.</p>

<p>Therapy is very intense or it can be.
My first concern would be for you to be safe.
Therapy IMO, should focus on getting yourself physically and mentally strong- and to a place where you understand that being robbed- mugged- or raped is not something you caused-.</p>

<p>If this means having to smooth over those places where you don’t " deal" with the rape, don’t " deal" with your mother for a while, then that is what has to happen.
Often times we need distance and time to get to a place where we can work on difficult issues because can make us feel very vulnerable.</p>

<p>Therapy can be an additional stress, one that you don’t need to feel like an open wound.
But it is ok for your therapy to even be used for something else for a while, like how to deal with your religious upbringing ;)</p>

<p>I do have an idea though- that you might try when you feel ready. As a massage therapist in a former life, I have found that physical healing often accompanies, emotional healing.
Getting a series of massage from a skilled clinician who is aware of the immediate past and with whom you feel safe, may help you to connect with people enough so that you can allow those who care about you to help.
Sometimes schools have massage therapists as part of their health clinic- my daughters school did, & I expect a larger school would as well.</p>

<p>Please let us know how things are going with you.</p>

<p>If there is a womens’ center or something on campus or even a school newspaper- if the assailant is known the college- even if you do it anonmously , it may make you feel better to report it- especially if you include enough details that they could get in contact with you in case they begin investigating another assault ( like an gmail address).</p>

<p>I think you should be checked out by a dr and possibly get medication for depression, because it is not unusual to have an acute onset of depression after something like this- depression can make it hard to focus</p>

35

<p>I haven’t been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, though my therapist has referred to my “depressive symptoms.”</p>

<p>I have been extremely depressed, lacked focus, lacked motivation, don’t even think of the future or future plans anymore. I find myself thinking “I used to want to be somebody” and referring to myself as if I were dead, or as if I don’t exist anymore.</p>

<p>It’s bad. It really is. More than I can really express. I know this, and I’m trying to get better but it’s so much harder than I could have imagined.</p>

36

<p>Take a deep breath! Please use the tools and resources available to you–get your therapist to work more with you, as well as the psychiatrist. You need to let them know your thoughts–if needed, print out all your posts and give it to them, saying, “I wrote these and this is how I’m feeling. HELP ME!” You’re not alone, these folks WILL help you, as will your academic advisor. Things will get better if you work with these folks–they ARE on YOUR side.</p>

37

<p>Since the initial question was about how to deal with your mother’s visit, would you consider scheduling your first contact with your mom at a visit with the therapist’s office? She can fly in and you can meet her at the office. Your therapist can then facilitate this difficult first meeting as you both get over your intense emotions. Your mother loves you and wants to support you. You are both a little shell-shocked so it will take time to move forward. One more thing, your progress with your therapist and what you choose to share and when you choose to share it is unique and unless your therapist feels it is a problem, do not sweat it. You will get past this. Good luck.</p>

38

<p>Your last post is so heartbreaking. It’s understandable though, that you feel the way you do. And I empathize with your ambivalent feelings about your mother (or maybe not so ambivalent that you don’t want to see her). Some of us have mothers who, even though they love us, don’t know how to comfort and make bad feelings worse. I have never been able to turn to my mother for any kind of advice or comfort. I did eventually build a net of love and support from others, but it took a long time.</p>

<p>Sometimes, you can keep it together, but a mother’s presence has a way of opening the floodgates. I can see that you might not be ready to face all the turbulent feelings until you have some distance. It may or may not be a good idea to see your mother right now. I’m saying that it’s OK to not want to turn to her. (I’m making a point of this because so many posters are urging you to see her, telling you how much she wants to be there for you, etc.) Perhaps you could ask your mother to come at some later date after you’ve had more of a chance to work with the therapist and start medication?</p>

<p>Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal. Things do get better, eventually.</p>

39

<p>Try to keep in mind, too, that your mother was angry, but not just at you- she was likely angry at the guy, at the world, at the situation, at herself for not being able to protect you, etc. Try not to absorb all her emotions as being directed towards you.</p>

<p>Most of us as parents want to protect our kids and hurt when our kids are hurt. Your mother is likely wondering what she could have done better, where she went wrong, whether she was wrong to let you go so far away, etc. So, she is probably scared for you and feeling guilty</p>

<p>Perhaps if you could view her words as coming from a scared/guilty place you would not take them as judgmental, but more as the anguish she is feeling on your behalf :(</p>

40

<p>When I read your last post… well, if I were your mom I would tell you to do whatever you need to do to get well. School doesn’t matter at this point, it will still be there when you’re feeling better. Your number one and only focus needs to be on doing the hard work of healing. Blessings to you.</p>