Sensitive

[Cardinal_Fang]

<p>roughfroshyr, Rough year indeed. I’m so sorry you were the victim of this creep.</p>

<p>Know that this is not your fault. It’s not your fault that your rapist raped you; being drunk does not constitute consent. It’s not your fault that you feel terrible and are finding this hard to deal with; almost any woman in your situation would find it hard to deal with. It’s especially awful that you still have to see your rapist walking around.</p>

<p>Take the time you need to heal. School can wait, if it needs to wait. Your health is more important. </p>

<p>(((roughfroshyr)))</p>

<p>I’m</p>

[TXArtemis]

<p>roughfroshyr, I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much. You’ve shown a lot of courage seeking professional help and using these boards to get feedback from other parents.</p>

<p>In addition to all of the thoughtful support you’ve received, I’ll add my two cents on some practical points. If something resonates with you, add it to your pot of things to consider. If it doesn’t seem on target, know my heart’s in the right place, as I know your mom’s is, even if she botched showing it. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Please get that psychiatrist on your side ASAP and lay it all out there for both therapist and psychiatrist. I predict you’ll feel enormous relief from full disclosure, plus there are several practical reasons it’s essential: (1) Until you equip them with 100% of the facts, feelings and issues involved, they’re just guessing at the tools you need to cope day-to-day and to select the right path to long-term recovery. Help them help you! They’re your biggest supporters and advocates right now! (2) I’d guess your greatest external stressor is your school future–grades, dropping classes or withdrawal altogether, will they take me back and on what terms, what about tuition lost or financial aid, etc. The longer you wait to deal with the school issue, the bigger the hole you are digging to crawl out of. So fully disclose ASAP so your therapist and psychiatrist can work with you and your academic advisor to craft a plan for achieving the dual goals of personal recovery and continuing, now or later, your successful career at this school. These folks know how to cut through your school’s red tape and the keywords and relevant provisions buried in contracts and procedure manuals, tuition insurance plans, financial aid terms and conditions, etc. that may need to be invoked for you to secure maximum benefits. Don’t forget, the school isn’t unselfish in wanting you to have the best possible college experience. They’ve invested a lot in you and have institutional needs for you to succeed. So they are motivated to help you. (3) I suspect you fear the unknown consequences of revealing factual details about what happened, i.e., what are the potential legal, disciplinary and/or social implications for you, the perpetrator and possibly friends/classmates who may have been involved in some way? Those issues are too big for you to carry. Free yourself of that weight immediately by giving it to your therapist and psychiatrist. They will know what to do.</p></li>
<li><p>The idea of inviting your mom to a therapy session is a good one. A twist on that might be setting up a phone conference with her during a therapy session–ASAP! That might forestall the visit you are dreading, or at least get a lot of stuff out of the way so the visit can be focused on moving forward.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Again, being proactive in dealing with that looming stressor might work wonders by positively shifting the family dynamic that’s weighing you down and allowing you to set your own boundaries and identify what it is you want most from your mom/family right now. Your therapist can provide your mom with what she needs first–to hear from an authoritative, respected adult that what happened was wrong and wasn’t your fault, you have taken the right steps to get help, a team of adults with your best interests at heart are working to make sure you get all the support and guidance you need, etc. Once your mom is guided through the “what happened? what’s being done to fix it?” stage, all she’ll be left with is her desire to help you and to feel like you want her help. That’ll be your cue to jump in the driver’s seat and let her know how you want her to help. Or if it’s too hard for you to express, especially if you decide to set limits you expect your mom will be disappointed to hear, then perhaps your therapist can lead that discussion. Tell your therapist how you feel about your mom’s initial reaction and your family’s value system, parent-child expectations and communications model. And share your own value system, the critical self-analysis you’ve put yourself through and what you’d really like from your mom and family as you navigate this rocky path and, bigger picture, as you develop into your new role as adult daughter and all that implies. Your therapist will be invaluable in helping you figure out the right balance between your conflicting needs for both independence and parental support. </p>

<p>I’m confident you can and will get through this. Please keep fighting, believing in yourself and holding out hope.</p>

[passthepotatoes]

<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this. </p>

<p>Just a small point, but I saw earlier in the thread that you were concerned about the cost of medication. It is possible now to get a generic version of an SSRI like Prozac now for around $5 a month if you get it filled at some place cheap like Walmart or the grocery store. Tell the doctor you are concerned about costs and there may be a very inexpensive option. Many, many people in your situation find medication is a helpful bridge along with therapy. Please hang in there. It may not seem like it, but it will get better. Take care.</p>

[Youdon_tsay]

<p>This thread has touched so many nerves I have hesitated to respond. I cried as I read your words.</p>

<p>I’m also the daughter of a Hispanic Catholic mom who seemed to have saying the wrong thing down to an artform. If your mom is like my mom, I suspect the reason you had such a reaction to her words is that you’ve often felt a lack of support from her. The thing that helped me normalize my relationship with my mom, who has never once told me that she loves me (though I know she does), is to realize that she is doing the best she can with what she has to give. I truly believe that 99% of the parents out there are doing the best they can. They come to their relationships with their kids with their own baggage, which prevents them from being perfect. While your mom may have said the exact wrong thing, I am sure she loves you. </p>

<p>I disagree with some who say she’s now trying to make up for her thoughtlessness, as we don’t know whether she is self-aware enough to realize how what she said hurt you so deeply. You can’t change how she is; you can only change your reaction to her. I agree with the pp who said to treat your mom and yourself with grace.</p>

<p>Please keep in touch and let us know what you decide to do. I wish you the best.</p>

[jonri]

<p>I haven’t read all this thread, but here’s my two cents. </p>

<p>Try to forgive your mom. I’m not Hispanic, but I come from a very Catholic background and I am still a practicing Catholic. Understand that some folks–and my own mom was one of them–just don’t filter what comes into their brain before speaking to close family members. My mom was like that and I know how much words spoken in haste can hurt. </p>

<p>We parents are human–we make mistakes. Your mom made one–forgive her. She loves you more than you can possibly understand until you become a parent yourself.</p>

[roughfroshyr]

<p>Thank you all for your advice.
I talked to my mother and told her I was fine enough, and that she didn’t need to come out to visit me, especially since some of our relatives from Mexico are visiting our house in CA…</p>

<p>I have my appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow.</p>

<p>School continues to stress me, I found out today that I had mistakenly forgotten to take a take-home exam for one of my classes since I was busy all weekend with a paper that had the deadline extended twice already. The professor said he had to talk to the head of the department to see if I would be able to take a make-up exam.</p>

[Northstarmom]

<p>" I finally caved and told her I had been sexually assaulted. She started asking questions that I really didn’t want to answer about that night.</p>

<p>It finally came out that I had been intoxicated during the incident. The very first thing she says to me is “Ay, ______, but that’s just so OBVIOUS”"</p>

<p>I can imagine that your mother loves you deeply, and questioned you and said what she did because:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>She was appalled at the assault that you had experienced. She was frightened, worried, and wanted to know if you were still at risk. She also may have wanted if you were assaulted because she had somehow failed to warn you about things to do to stay out of danger.</p></li>
<li><p>She also was hurt and surprised that you hadn’t let her know before about the assault. She may have been hurt that you didn’t trust her, and feared that your relationship wasn’t as close as she had believed it was. She also may have feared that there were even worse things that you hadn’t confided in her.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Remember, your mother hadn’t had time to process the info that you had told her. She spoke to you out of concern, fear and anxiety. Some therapists consider the loved ones of rape victims to be secondary victims of the crime because they, too, become emotionally affected by what happened.</p>

<p>Please realize that you’ve had some time to process what happened, and to get help. Your mother hadn’t had that time when she reacted to what you told her. She also may even be reacting from misinformation that many adults were given when they were growing up: that rape is the woman’s fault or only happens to “bad” women. </p>

<p>The fact that she’s willing to fly to see you and support you says a great deal about her love for you. Do talk to your therapist about whether it may be helpful for your mother to also talk with the therapist when your mom visits.</p>

[Naturally]

<p>I’m so sorry you’re suffering. Please remember the sexual assault was not your fault. <em>hugs</em> Also, please don’t feel bad if you need space from your mom or a break from your school. Something awful happened to you, it is completely understandable that you need time to recover. Whether your mom meant to hurt you or not, she DID hurt you . . . There is nothing wrong with wanting a break from her.</p>

<p>Also, please don’t feel bad for not telling your mom what happened right away. It was traumatic and it sounds like it’s still very hard to talk about and deal with. There is no “right” or “proper” way to deal with being assaulted . . . It is something that should never happen to anyone.</p>

[Northstarmom]

<p>One other thing to keep in mind: Something like one in 4 women have been sexually assaulted. It’s possible that your mother herself has been the victim of rape, possibly even under circumstances similar to your experience. If so, she may never have told anyone or healed from her own trauma.</p>

[ADad]

<p>I’m so sorry.</p>

<p>At any time that you are feeling suicidal, or would just like to talk with a trained, nonjudgmental, anonymous listener, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.</p>

<p>-or–</p>

<p>At any time that you would like to speak to a trained, nonjudgmental, anonymous listener about the assault, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).</p>