<p>The anticipation is far worse than the actuality. Although the actuality can be hard, it’s not debilitating for most. You’ll get through it.</p>
<p>Please join is in the hs class of 2012. We’ve already begun the weeping and memories amongst the other threads.</p>
<p>Things can sometimes get to the point where I can’t handle even the slightest bit of stress. I know it’s cliche, but throw on a pair of sneakers and walk outside. Whether you feel like it or not. Within a couple of weeks I just started feeling better. Plus it gets you outside in the fresh air and sunshine.</p>
<p>Over the past year I’ve discovered through nearly going over the brink that I really take no time to do what I want to do. And I didn’t even know what I wanted. I’d go to the grocery store and I could tell you what everyone else would like, I couldn’t think about what I would like. I threw myself so much into being a mom, a wife, the owner of a business I forgot that I was a person too. I’m working on it. I can’t say I’m 100% there, but I’ve made some new friends, doing some new things, exercising regularly. I even bought some things for myself just because I wanted them. I golf now! I’m going to try and go once a week, though that can’t always happen. </p>
<p>There are more of us out there than you can imagine. I expect to see you over at the other thread asap. In July it will turn into the college class of 2016 - gulp!</p>
<p>Hi cindymoose.</p>
<p>I had a really difficult time when my second went off to college. My first had left two years earlier. I was depressed.</p>
<p>Health problems made exercise difficult, and I had a hip replacement, among other things.</p>
<p>My H’s business failed.</p>
<p>I looked forward to the end of tuition bills.</p>
<p>Guess what? After my D went to law school she decided she hated it. My S got through college, but he wasn’t prepared for meaningful work in this economy. My H’s business continued failing.</p>
<p>So I DID get used to empty nest, in fact, the lack everyday responsibility for others had become exhilarating and then EVERYONE CAME HOME in a somewhat wounded condition.</p>
<p>So now, the house is messy and I have lost control over my own schedule, and I AM BASICALLY SUPPORTING FOUR PEOPLE, although the other three are working some and earning some money.</p>
<p>Both kids, and H, too for that matter, were depressed and looking to me for guidance.</p>
<p>It’s been a tough year, but all are on a better track with very good plans. NONE ARE MOVING OUT FOR THE MOMENT, DARN!</p>
<p>Life is a roller-coaster. The only thing I’ve been able to grasp onto (health problems have persisted, money problems have persisted) that has really helped me is that I am here to serve, not make myself happy. In the process I am sometimes happy, but it can’t be the goal.</p>
<p>I am an atheist, so this is not coming from a religious edict, just the simple knowledge that the more I fight my fate, the tighter the noose becomes.</p>
<p>So I say, so what if I don’t have the money to take a vacation, that I’m working one and half jobs, that black mold ate my kitchen and I had to spend money allocated for something else on a new kitchen.</p>
<p>So what if I am using funds to pay for a masters for D when I thought I was done.</p>
<p>I am privileged to be able to serve and make others’ lives better. And that includes my students (I’m a college professor.) Having to teach two adjunct classes on top of my regular four course load is just more opportunity to make a difference in more lives.</p>
<p>And when they leave it will be an adjustment again, but I hope they will be stronger and able to sustain themselves this time.</p>
<p>Each has found a new field he/she loves. There are no guarantees, but the light is back in my kids’ eyes.</p>
<p>I had a hand in putting it there. Do I need to ask for more?</p>
<p>Well, I do get more actually. The crab apple outside my bedroom window is magnificent. The parrot tulips are beyond gorgeous, silly and dramatic. I can wear sandals now instead of shoes (I wait for this every year) and soon the cardinals will return. For the past two years I have had a red cardinals and a rare ORANGE cardinal in my yard, and sometimes they sit side-by-side on the same branch. It’s such a strong display I have to giggle.</p>
<p>There’s a lot more of those moments waiting for me.</p>
<p>OP–I have nothing to add, except let yourself grieve. I think the last thing you should do is feel guilty about feeling sad. I also highly encourage planning a visit to your kids’ schools a month or so in (could be parents weekend or whatever weekend is convenient). DH has been more of a drop-them-off-freshman-year-and-then-pick-them-up-as-graduating-seniors kind of guy, but I make a point to visit each kid once a semester. (Kind of for them; kind of for me.)</p>
<p>You won’t wallow forever–everybody figures this next stage out. But feeling miserable is a good thing–pity the kids whose parents <em>don’t</em> miss them.</p>
<p>BTW–great post, mythmom.</p>
<p>I love my Ds and I know I will miss D2 (especially on our reality tv night), but conditional on her happiness and adjustment at school, I am looking forward to the empty nest. Since she will be staying in-state, will be an hour away by plane, and we have season tickets to football games, we will probably see her fairly frequently in the fall. Aside from that, I will continue to work part time, enjoy a much neater house, do far less laundry, spend extended weekends at our lake home, see friends more often, and travel with DH without having to consider anyone’s schedule but our own.</p>
<p>Maybe there is something wrong with me. :(</p>
<p>Another survivor here, agreeing that the anticipation was worse than the reality. I’m a single parent with one kid, so there was just me when he left. Last summer I was so miserable - I even had one major meltdown on my kid (tough memory, so I’d advise against that). But the reality hasn’t been that bad. I really didn’t change much (I always did talk to myself, er, my cats 
)
I have a list of books to read and movies to rent, I try to have one thing to look forward to on the weekend (umm, good luck with that dating thing), and mostly I’ve found that technology keeps me in close enough touch with my kid. We had a constant game of “Words” going before he left, and we’ve kept that up. We average at least a text or email a week and he even calls me once in a while (found that I hated Skype - tried it once or twice and it made me feel worse; no idea why).
It’s been good enough that I’m okay (almost to happy) with him being away for 8 weeks this summer to follow an awesome opportunity. NOBODY, especially me, would have thought that possible at this time last year.<br>
So hang in there (like we have a choice) and I hope it’s not as hard as you’re expecting.</p>
<p>I’m going to be suffering along with you, cindymoose-- I’m glad you joined the 2012 (soon to be 2016) thread. One thing you can do when energy and money is low, is read-- and read and read. I tend to forget this myself after a lifetime in the world of books and reading-- but that connection you make to another person’s consciousness in the process of reading a good book is so sustaining, and can really help you deal with life in ways you might not think of otherwise.</p>
<p>That said-- I have really been where you are-- it sounds like you’re doing the things you need to get through it, but it’s just rough, and sometimes heartbreaking. Do hang around with us on the 2012 thread. There are really good people there.</p>
<p>Add me to the list of grieving parents! It’s been just me and dd since her dad moved out 12 years ago. My life has basically revolved around hers and she is going to be 2.5 hours away. For the past week I have been breaking into short fits of tears over the thought of high school graduation. Then at other times I get so mad at her rude and disrespecful behavior that I can’t wait for her to go!</p>
<p>…thank you mythmom…having some issues myself and don’t you know this past week when I opened the back door to let the dog out before first light, there was birdsong and a light breeze in the pines? </p>
<p>Let’s not forget that, just as all eyes were upon us when we were parenting preschoolers, nothing is lost on a child, no matter how old, how we deal with this just might be something in the bank for our adult children as they move through life.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, mythmom, and thank you for an amazing post. I have tears in my eyes.</p>
<p>Wow mythmom, a very poignant post- you are a survivor and a pragmatist! I’m still struggling to get the ‘black mold ate my kitchen’ image out of my brain- I can’t even imagine!</p>
<p>Echoing others to say to the OP that you will survive. As far as ideas for the summer, a day trip to a local forest preserve or State park with hiking (if that’s physically possible) and a really yummy basket of sandwiches, homemade cookies, etc. Quality, home made food will be much more greatly appreciated by your twins after that first semester of dorm food…Are you twins into sports? Maybe tickets for the family to a major league baseball game (if you live near one). Some baseball teams have special games where they do something in addition to the game (like fireworks night around the 4th of July), so even if baseball isn’t a major passion, or the team isn’t that good, it’s just a fun night out. </p>
<p>The summer before my oldest son (I have 2, they are 2 years apart) went to college I planned a family trip to the local 6 Flags amusement park because both boys and my husband LOVE roller coasters, I…DO…NOT…but in the spirit of this being our ‘last summer together as a family’, I willed myself to go on all the rides with them, because dammit, this was THE LAST time we would all be doing this fun thing that everyone but me loves!! I was miserable, I head a headache that wouldn’t go away, and yes, I actually barfed (out of sight, much to my boys’ relief), after I went on the Mind Eraser (Unfortunately it did not erase my mind enough to eliminate that memory!).</p>
<p>As far as ideas for the fall, are there any TV series you hear everyone talking about but never got around to following? There are so many out there with multiple seasons for you to catch up on. I still have never seen a Mad Men episode, and I want to go back and start at season 1, but I don’t know when I’ll do it. Other fun shows are Downton Abbey, The Wire (that’s more drama, crime stuff), and a ton of others (you could start a new Parent Cafe thread asking for suggestions). Most of these series are available to download on an Ipad, or laptop, or you can buy the DVD’s and watch them that way.</p>
<p>Best thing I can say for you now is, when you start thinking about this fall, just STOP, don’t go there, distract yourself, “turn it off, like light switch” (Book of Mormon musical anyone? :)). Don’t make this last summer a sad thing, your twins are probably more worried about you than you realize, don’t make them worry about you and your sadness. Have a blast this summer!</p>
<p>The summer before my oldest left for college (in 2010), we took a two-week trip to Arizona. We stayed in a timeshare in Sedona for one week (the kids had their own unit), then drove all over the state. It was wonderful!</p>
<p>I am SO glad we did it, because our oldest ended up getting ill and coming home the next year. BE THANKFUL your twins are healthy and going off to college! Things can change in a heartbeat. There are worse things than an empty nest.</p>
<p>Running has been my release through all the stress of the last couple of years. I am NOT athletic - I was literally the slowest runner in 8th grade (we ran a mile and they listed everyone’s time on a big poster in the gym, and my name was at the very bottom). It still takes me over 12 minutes to run one mile. BUT I discovered that with a lot of practice, I can KEEP running. I’ve run three half marathons now. I’m still towards the last, but I’m doing it. The sense of satisfaction and improved health have really helped me deal with my son’s situation better (I should say sons, plural, because our middle son also became ill this year).</p>
<p>MTA: I appreciate your post, Mythmom. I can see the light again in my oldest’s eyes, too. It’s quite something!</p>
<p>I also want to thank you mythmom for your update and perspective. Seeing the light back in your kids eyes is the best thing. You are there for them and have ‘stayed the course’. Also, you have ‘served us’ all on CC with your wisdom and honest sharing of your experiences. You have especially helped our family by suggesting that we look into the college that is now S1 attending and that S2 will start attending in the fall. You had a huge impact on our lives - we may never have looked at the school if not for you. I know you have helped others on CC also. Thank you.</p>
<p>I think if we do like mythmom and try to help others through the college process since we know so much, it does help the empty nest transition. At least, that is what I am trying to do.</p>
<p>Welcome to cc, cindymoose! If you go to the parent cafe, there is a thread at the top (labled important) all about the empty nest. It’s long but worth reading for ideas as well as support.</p>
<p>Good post, mythmom.</p>
<p>Cindy - I don’t have any great words of wisdom, just sympathy. My only child graduates from college this year, so I was where you were 4 years ago. I still remember the sadness of that last summer before college - everything felt like a “last.” Last family vacation. Last trip to the mall together. Last movie date.</p>
<p>DId I mention that I burst into tears at the grocery store the last time I bought “her” orange soda? I really was a mess.</p>
<p>So I know how you feel. I would echo those who suggested that you allow yourself to grieve, and I would add that you should be extra good to yourself as you work through this. When D left, I tried many of the suggestions offered so far: More volunteer activities? Check (I even volunteered for the presidential campaign in 2008). More hobbies? Check. Go back to school/reinvent yourself? Check (I have one more class to take before I do my student teaching for my secondary ed certification.)</p>
<p>I did all that, but I’d be lying if I said that it made me feel better. Eventually I didn’t feel as sad, but that may just have been the passing of time, and not the things I did during that time. The thing I found that really helped was talking to others who were in the same boat. They understood, we commiserated, it helped.</p>
<p>My one word of advice - try not to be too sad around your twins. I worked hard to be more upbeat around my D, because I didn’t want to burden her with any of my sadness. My happiness is not her responsibility.</p>
<p>Good luck. So many of us have been in your shoes, and we survived and eventually thrived. It’s just a process.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This. In fact, good to start practicing living your own life before they even leave, so they can see for themselves that you will survive. Keep you eye on the prize–getting them to live their own productive adult lives. And that means modeling it for them too.</p>
<p>I notice that my kids are more chatty and interested when they have more trouble reaching me/us because we’re off doing things and not pining for them, waiting for their phone calls, texts and/or emails. They are fascinated by things we are doing that they have no part of and are different from what I was doing when I was busy shuttling to & from events in their lives. It is healthier for them and for us that I do have a new life and yes, it is modeling that when things change, we do reinvent ourselves, as S had suggested. 
We learn from them and they learn from us–the cycle goes on and on!</p>
<p>I’m another Mom who did better with the empty nest than I (and everyone who knew me) expected. Not saying it was always easy, but I did get better at focusing on the pluses (less laundry, neater house etc.) instead of the negatives. We did take a couple of family trips the summer before and really enjoyed them. The best thing for me was realizing how happy he was at college. He made friends immediately and loved most of his classes. That can make a Mom pretty happy! Is there any chance you can use your extra free time to explore a change in career direction? A good career counselor can be very helpful.</p>
<p>What was most helpful for me was reaching out to others in the same boat. Neither me nor H grew up anywhere near where we live now, so we didn’t have a built-in friend group. Most of our friends were parents of our kids’ friends who we met at sports events, dance events and volunteering. But as our kids moved on in their lives, those friendships dwindled.</p>
<p>I knew the parents of my son’s friends, but didn’t know them well. But I didn’t let that stop me. I invited 5 couples to our house for a wine & dessert party a couple weeks after the boys all left for school. At the time, most of us still had one child left at home, so I called it a “Semi-Empty Nest” party. 4 couples came and we had a great time. We talked about drop-off and our fears and funny stories, how our kids were changing/growing already, funny stories from the past, then the conversation segued into our own lives - our work, our other relatives, etc. It was so much fun that we’ve done it every few months since. One couple has drifted away, but the other 8 of us have grown close. Now all of our kids are away at college or have graduated, but one has a college graduate who has moved home, so instead of empty nesters or semi-empty nesters we just call ourselves the Nesters. </p>
<p>Two of these couples attend the same church as us, and we’ve developed a habit of going to brunch together after Mass a couple of times a month. Just having friends to talk with makes both H and me much happier.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. It does get better.</p>
<p>A year goes by fast. Find things to keep busy. And reconnect with friends. I keep busy at work, watch more TV at night, go to sporting events, email and visit friends - alot more, and have just begun planning summer vacation. </p>
<p>I have a freshman D and felt the sadness beginning last summer. (I think my D was a bit rebellious and strong independence streak). All she wanted to do was go out and celebrate with her HS friends. They planned their own summer trip - but when everyone bailed at the last minute, there was no more time for me to plan anything. Anyways, I felt like an invisible parent watching from the side lines. By September she was so eager to head off to college and finally leave home. She did not want to be bothered by us. When she came home during Thanksgiving and Christmas, she would spend all her time with old HS friends sharing their college experiences. I was not as sad to see her return to college in January. My life (and yours will too) started to come back to me. I email and visit old girlfriends more now.</p>
<p>Try reconnecting with old friends, that’s what brought me back.</p>
<p>Alot of changes happen to freshman in college, they find they need to study or their grades drop (like my D’s gpa) - too much social extracurricular etc. Then they get annoyed with their college roommates and friends. </p>
<p>Much to my surprise, when my D came home during spring break, she wanted to stay at home longer - by herself, no friends around. </p>
<p>Anyways, your life, will return to you or you’ll find a new one. </p>
<p>If I could have done last summer differently, I would have not allowed myself to feel sad, but would have planned a family vacation.</p>