<p>I have twins but they will not be off for another 9 years. I still felt a lot of pain when my oldest left for college. In fact I was so upset, I ate myself 25 pounds heavier. It does get better and you realize they need to grow up even if we need them to stay little.</p>
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<p>txmom, that doesnāt have to go away if you donāt want it to. I bet theyād be glad to have your helping hands even if you donāt have students there.</p>
<p>Cindy: You said your adopted daughter is not around much because sheās decided to be mom to her half-sibs. Are they anywhere nearby? Maybe you could spend time with them once in a while. That will also keep you connected to your her.</p>
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<p>My DH is VERY social; I am far more reserved, can have a jolly old time by myself, and likely would have a very small circle of friends if not for him. He is so great about keeping up with old friends and making new ones that our schedule will stay really full after D2 graduates. The other day we had dinner with some friends who said they are renting a beach house in Florida for an entire month this coming fall. They said ācome out for a long weekend!ā I replied, āOk, sounds nice, but Iāll have to checkā¦waitā¦I donāt have to check anything.ā I realized we can actually make plans like this without having to go to the school website, arrange childcare, or drag an unwilling child out of her social scene in order to take a vacation. Yay!</p>
<p>Of course, there are the pets to contend with, but at least I donāt have to listen to their point of view about it. :)</p>
<p>We shopped today for Dās first and last prom dress. Cloudy and drizzling = melancholy.I hope we have a very sunny fall.</p>
<p>Cindy, a group of parents got together in my town to create a āpop upā prom store. They get donations from local dry cleaners (apparently it is a common phenomenon to take your prom or bridesmaid gown to the cleaners and then move or abandon it); samples from formalwear shops, over-runs from manufacturers, and people cleaning out their closets. You can donate old evening bags and shoes.</p>
<p>Unlike some of the other efforts in other places which try to provide free or inexpensive dresses to low income families, ours is open to everyone. Even girls who could afford to spend $300 on a new dress have bought āvintageā dresses here. Itās become cool- the shop is open for a month in a vacant store front in a strip mall (the owner donates the space, the utilities and the signage.) A woman who teaches sewing/garment construction at a local vo-tech school supervises the seamstresses who do alterations. A local (very high end) salon sends stylists to give tutorials on how to do a smooth blow-out or create an updo without having to pay a salon to do it. A woman who sells Mary Kay does free makeovers (and wonāt let the girls purchase anything in return.)</p>
<p>Itās a lot of organizing and a labor of love by dozens of people.</p>
<p>Iām not minimizing your sense of loss- just pointing out that there are myriad ways that you can channel your dislocation/grief in your own community to make your empty nest someone elseās opportunity.</p>
<p>I think the loss is very real and many of us went through, are going through it or will go through it. We all get through (not to minimize your concerns at all.)</p>
<p>Itās a good preview because later life is about adjusting to loss ā oneās waistline, oneās hair, oneās job, and even more serious things in some cases.</p>
<p>It would be unbearable if we were not compensated by more emotional maturity. Each survived loss plants the flag further on the beach of emotional independence. Working through these losses is what gives us the wisdom to have something real to share with our kids when they experience lifeās knocks.</p>
<p>And I have had many occasions of late when I needed to draw on that wisdom. It was only my own survival of loss and the perspective it gave me that allowed me to be REALLY useful to my kids.</p>
<p>I am right there with you. I really wish my kids would behave like boneheads so I would be happy to see them go in a few weeks. I have been doing as much as I can for them and spend as much possible time with them. I underestimated how I would feel as a single mom of really nice twins. :)</p>
<p>Saw this thread and it hit close to home. My oldest D went off to college in 2010 and although sheās not at the same college she originally went to (came back to hometown and now works full time and attends local college p/t) she has moved to her own apartment with her best friend and seems to love living on her own and has an active social life. My youngest daughter who is my baby is leaving for her college freshman year in August. Iām a single mom and while Iām busy and having fun helping my baby get all the things she needs for dorm/college life the thought of the empty nest stays in the back of my mind. It has always been just me and my girls (their father and I divorced when my youngest was a year old) and it will be a big change for all of us when weāre not all together anymore. I have decided that this is the perfect time to do something that Iāve always wanted to do. I am now in the beginning process of moving back to my familyās ancestral land in a very rural area approximately 40 miles from the town we live in now. This was never a practical thought when I had kids in high school because the location would have been impossible given their busy schedules and the price of gas and expense of commuting but recently the company I work for has started a transit system that runs from near where I plan to move and itās pretty cheap to ride which means I wonāt be spending a ton on gas expenses. Iām pretty excited about it and nervous at the same time because when I say rural I mean that no one has lived on the land for at least ten years so Iām taking on a pretty big project that will involve clearing land (or paying someone to do it) and yes building a house (which will not happen for some time while I live in a mobile home which will also be new to me) but it will be a labor of love and patience. This is how I plan to deal with my empty nest and Iām sure that itās a reaction to the empty nest Iāll be facing and some will say Iām crazy to do it on my own but I am looking forward to the challenge.</p>
<p>DctMom73, How exciting for you!! My husband and I are doing something similar as āour empty nest projectā! We bought a lot in another state and are going to design and build a home. We have always wanted to do it and never took the time. It seems like a great project to keep us focused on ourselves. </p>
<p>After 9 years of kids leaving and some returning and leaving again, my youngest is heading off in the fall. Weāve been doing this for so long that in some ways, it will be easier this time around. What Iāve learned since sending off my oldest 9 years ago:</p>
<ol>
<li> It will never be the same, but that doesnāt mean worse</li>
<li> The summer before they leave will be hard. Some are nicer than others, but they all push buttons and make you crazy.</li>
<li> No matter how many plans you make to stay in touch, ieā¦ Call once a week, visit occasionallyā¦ plans will change</li>
<li> It is better for them to call you than you to call them because when they call they want to talk!</li>
<li> When something major happens, even if they assure you theyāre ok, they appreciate a visit.</li>
<li> Care packages are appreciated even if they donāt act like it</li>
<li> They do grow up, mature and you do too as you adjust to parenting adult children</li>
<li> They may come home again, briefly or longer and that requires more adjustment!</li>
<li> Itās ok to mourn the loss of parenting children</li>
<li>It really is like a circle of life. They are ready to take more responsibility for their lives and choices. They are ready to have new experiences and live away from their parents and itās time for us to let them, even if we are sad</li>
</ol>
<p>Hey laserp!</p>
<p>Just reading thru (again) this thread re: empty nest thoughts/ideas (as my only son will be taking flight in 2+ weeks) - and really appreciated your thoughts/advice/reassurance.</p>
<p>This is wonderfully reassuring thread, btwā¦ thanks to everyone who postedā¦</p>
<p>Just found this thread. Good to know I am not alone, as our only child leaves soon. Just grateful my big ā60ā is not until fall 2013, that would be too much at once!!</p>
<p>Also just found this thread, and at an opportune time. Another parent of a HS2012er, soon to leave for college. Feeling that I am slightly losing my bearings during this time, though I have some practice with the older child having left for college a few years agoā¦ Anyway, much on this thread resonates, and I appreciate the wisdom of recognizing that learning to manage loss and change is of paramount importance as we age. Too tired right now to write more, but just wanted to keep the thread going. Wonder how the OP is faring this summerā¦</p>
<p>two leaving at onceā¦</p>
<p>found this thread reassuring and helpful.</p>
<p>thank you.</p>
<p>Mythmom, appreciate your post. My kids will all be out of the house and I was also just divorced. Long story, but my husband had a stroke two years ago, his personality changed, and he moved out in March 2011 w/out a word, so he can live in a room and smoke cigars as he pleases. Bizarre, but an example I guess of how we have to learn to take what life hands us with whatever wisdom we can muster. I have been home for two decades, taking care of health issues w/kids, and am finding employment tough to find. Will sell the house and maybe go back to school. Lots of changes, and we have to move forward! I am now in my 60ās, and try to look at life at this stage as a time to let go of a lot of things (I am throwing things out like crazy) but also a chance to enjoy others (taking a drawing class because I no longer care if I can do it well).</p>
<p>For those whose first child might be leaving this fall, I think one of the hardest things about this time of life for parents is that the next is actually NOT empty! The population of the nest fluctuates considerably, and great flexibility is needed- including closet flexibility and emotional flexibility! They come home with all the college stuff and the house gets busy and noisy and it can be an adjustment. Then they leave and you feel the loss again. The most helpful thing of all is for them to be relatively happy, and, if they are not, to be able to be there for them.</p>
<p>Thanks, compmom. I agree with your description of the nest getting refilled with all the college junk (you said āstuffā) and then empty again. I also want to take this time to wish you well with all of your endeavors at such a difficult time, with so many changes. I appreciate your perspective that there is really no other appropriate choice than to move forward. So how to do that in a way that honors our talents and desires for our lives? Thank you for reminding me of that. Forget the regrets about the (underwhelming and sometimes poor) career choices I made, about friends lost along the way due to having limited energy from work, health issues, and kids to nurture those relationships, about mistaking acquaintances of convenience who were the parents of kids in activities with mine as actual friends, of getting so caught up in raising my children and managing that I lost track of my own needs and desires in life, my own interests. I appreciate the reminder to, as the British said in WWII, āKeep calm and carry on.ā Your post reminds me that, though this is a time of great change, with that change comes opportunity. Much appreciated!</p>
<p>@compmom - thanks also for your post, and all the best to you as you begin this new phase of life, in so many ways, and new opportunities (and good for you for taking the drawing class!). As an aside, one of my goals for when S leaves is to work on ādeclutteringā over the next few months - not necessarily stuff of his, altho there will be some of that, but things Iāve held on to for decades. Lots to do there - but I hadnāt really thought about the metaphorical image of āletting goā in addition to the physical realm. Also appreciated your thoughts about the variability of the nest status (empty vs. otherwise).</p>
<p>@mamita - thanks also for your post and all the best to you as well - and for the reminders about moving forward, and that this is, yes, a time of great change, but also for opportunity.</p>
<p>Thanks, Meteor Mom. I really hope that this thread continues or moves into the Parent Cafe for continued updates and perhaps support as we navigate these life changes.</p>
<p>Our oldest left last Fall, so I have just enough distance to remember this, but see past it. The best three pieces of advice I received - some from this board if I recall - were
1 - Expect that they will āfoul the nestā before they leave (Godās way of making it a bit easier for you to let them go.). Our DD didnāt do this before she left - but she did do it when she returned for vacations. It gets better, but it was sure disappointing at Thanksgiving when the kid I had so looked forward to seeing was - um - not fun.<br>
2 - Expect that your family will fill like it has a missing piece for a while. In time, you will make a new āpuzzleā - routines will change - relationships will change, etc. Then when they come home, they and you have to be patient with their shock that the puzzle is different now. Kids think everything will always stay the same if they arenāt there.<br>
3 - When they call from college mad or sad or frustrated, practice saying āOh gee - thatās really rough. So what are you going to do?ā Then let it go. Do not call them two days later with āSo, iāve been thinking about that professorā¦ā It is highly likely that whatever it was is either solved or no longer on their mind at that moment. You are the sounding board - not the solver.<br>
4 - Expect that you are the emotional safety net, and you may get the ātough stuffā that they canāt share with their new friends. If they arenāt calling, they are doing fine. If they are calling they are likely just needing to hear an old voice.<br>
5. Texts are more socially acceptable than phone calls. I made a rule to never call my daughter - only text her. She always initiates calls. If I really have to talk to her, I will text her to call me when she has a minute.</p>
<p>We just returned from orientation for our son. The parent sessions overall were light and well done. The first morning, a VP asked who was bringing their oldest child, who was bringing the youngest, and then went into how many children parents had sent. Anyway, he was amusing and told us all that when we redecorated our childās room or turned it into a sewing or workout room, it was a good idea to let the kid know before they came back home. It was pretty funny.</p>