"She's changed her mind again" UPDATE

Parents Forum
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<p>Some of you may remember the back and forth my daughter was going through about whether to go to her initial choice college or change to her second choice (which would still take her). Now School 2 is out, and the decision is whether to got to school 1, which she is still not sure she wants to go to, or to take a year off and decide what to do. </p>

<p>She REALLY wants to be in college, but she is not sure that she wants to be in School 1 -- for reasons having nothing to do with its being very far from the boyfriend. But she also wants to be near the boyfriend, so that is definitely a factor in wanting to take a year off. </p>

<p>But she doesn't see how she can put together a year off that would give her the feeling of excitement that college would or that would give her the feeling of being part of something bigger than taking a course here and there and doing an internship or something.</p>

<p>She does not want to live at home. We are both ready for that :-) but then there's the question of where WOULD she live. </p>

<p>I made a couple of suggestions about what she might do with a year off, but she shot those down. Her idea was see the boyfriend and work full time. That just seems like a waste of time to me. AT one point she asked me what she should do, and I said that taking a year off wouldn't be a bad idea since she is so undecided. She got mad at me and said that she wished I would tell her to go to school 1. I am pretty sure that if I had said that, she would have said no. </p>

<p>Part of me feels that I should just tell her to go to college as planned. But part of me feels that it's her decision. A couple of weeks ago she asked me to stay out of the process so that she could make up her mind on her own. Finally yesterday I told her that we needed to talk about it because tuition is due on August 1st. The progress she made in those two weeks was to eliminate school 2 from consideration. </p>

<p>I feel like crap at this point, and I have no idea what to do. Her father, my ex, thinks a year off is the way to go, and I think so too, given all of the uncertainty. But she is so ready and wanting to be in college, and she doesn't do well with amorphous plans or pasted together classes/job/etc. This just does not seem to get better or easier.</p>

<p>Sorry to vent. Just very frustrated, confused, and tired.</p>

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<p>I think you should let her decide for herself, and tell her you will support her no matter what (which you should, of course). But beyond, let her grow up and decide for herself.</p>

3

<p>Do you need a collar for the whiplash ;-)</p>

<p>I say, go to school 1 with an open mind. maybe buy the tuition insurance if she has to withdraw (so you don't lose $$)</p>

<p>I'm willing to bet a few weeks into actually Being at school, she will wonder why she ever was worried. personally, I think the whole Bf/GF thing for high schoolers fogs their minds. Before you know it, thanksgiving is here or she could come home sooner for a visit.</p>

<p>Tell her to think how she will feel not going to college after some (many) of her friends is away in the fall and she is not.</p>

4

<p>You have my sympathies ! I didn't follow the previous thread but it almost sounds like d wants you to take the responsibility of the decision for her life. </p>

<p>I am sure people wiser than I will come up with some solutions. Just remember whatever you and her decide : There is no "wrong" decision, it's up to her to make the best of it. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you and d.</p>

5

<p>This is of course, all about the boyfriend. As much as she is denying that, it is about the boy. OP, if there was no boy, do you think she would be this torn, or do you think she would be looking forward to college?</p>

<p>If I was her mom, I would get her off to college. I would encourage that plan. And I would make home as unglamorous as possible. What makes her think she will be more ready next year when she is even more involved with this BF?</p>

<p>Is the BF going to college, dorming it and all that fun stuff> Is she changing becuase of him, becuase sounds like he gets it all, the girl, the college, the fun and she gets to work and miss out.</p>

<p>Sure college isn't for everyone, but the reason behind her not wanting to go wouldn't fly with me. Ask her what the BF is giving up for her. That might shake her up a bit. Is he changing anything in his life for her at all?</p>

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<p>She knows tuition is due Aug 1 so her decision will be clear when the deadline passes! Don't worry too much about the year off; it can be really valuable even if she's working in fast food. I know lots of very successful people who went to college late but got a head start in responsibility by having to work full time.</p>

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<p>I also want to know what the bf's plans are for this year.</p>

8

<p>Oh, Heron, I'm sorry; I can "hear the weariness in your voice". </p>

<p>You know from experience that you just can't win. Whatever direction you encourage, she'll resent you for it. </p>

<p>I'd let her make up her own mind, with whatever life lessons that will bring. Of course, she may resent this tactic also, but that's parenthood, isn't it?</p>

9

<p>Give College 1 a try. If she really hates it, she can transfer. But she needs to go there for at least a semester, probably a year.</p>

<p>I agree with rainbowwings, it's all about the boy. And maybe about fear of change.</p>

<p>There's a big world out there and she needs to see some if it for herself. She must have liked something about College 1 in the beginning. She needs to try it, for a semester if not for a year.</p>

10

<p>Thank you all. Some answers and additional info:</p>

<p>She wasn't sure about the college even before she met/started dating the boyfriend. She wasn't crazy about it when she visited it, hates the facebook group, didn't like the ambiance, and chose it because she thought it was the better of her two favorites. She DID NOT APPLY to the only school she has ever wanted to go to. (This makes me want to cry as I write it.) In fact from the beginning she has been as uninvolved as possible in all aspects of the college process. </p>

<p>Her boyfriend will be starting college in a state adjoining ours. I wouldn't say he is giving anything up for her, but I also wouldn't say he's the only reason she's having this problem, either. I think he's the tipping point that brought all of the above issues to the fore. So I do think she'd be this torn even without him as a factor.</p>

<p>Her boyfriend took a year off between hs and college and her best friend from birth is doing the same.</p>

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<p>Maybe she just isn't ready for college. How about working part time and going to CC part time (so she doesn't fall out of the school mode completely)? If she does well at CC she could consider applying to her real first choice school that you mentioned above and maybe it'll all work out.</p>

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<p>Before allowing for the 'gap year', if that is the way you are leaning, make sure your D does not to have to be a full time student in order to maintain health insurance coverage under your (or ex's) plan. Many plans will drop students at 19 if not enrolled full time; and will not reinstate when the child returns to full time student.</p>

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<p>This is what I would do -
tell her the tuition is due. You will pay it if she wants but once you pay it she is expected to go and finish ONE semester. period. no coming home.
I also would not let her come home until fall break if there is one. In any case, hash out before hand when she can come home. If the homesickness is severe then you go visit her - I don't know how far away the school is.</p>

<p>Perhaps - she knows or doesn't feel she is ready - that's ok too. There is no magic formula to success that says that you have to go right out of high school.</p>

<p>Insurance wise - generally if there is a life change situation, you are covered by federal law and can resinstate. If she is "young" - not yet 18 then she may be good. it is good to check.</p>

<p>What you and your daughter are going through is not all that uncommon. I just talked to a dad the other day who drove his daughter to school (2 years ago) 6 hours and she refused to move in -they went home, she worked and now is in a different college.</p>

<p>For those who say this is all about the boy - maybe the opposite is true. she is using the bf as an excuse because she knows she is not ready.</p>

14

<p>Is the difference between College 1 and College 2 also the echo-difference between her going to Art School vs. Liberal Arts College? </p>

<p>If so, that's a paralyzing decision to contemplate, but even so, perhaps best discovered from within any college than behind a lunchcounter with the h.s.-grad odd job that will be available to her. Her gap plan doesn't sound like it includes anything, other than time and age maturity (which are positives, no doubt) to help in content figure out her subject matter, IF School l v. School 2 was also Studio Art v. Liberal Arts. She might get more drawing/painting done within a college Art class than in the after-hours of a day-job during a gap year.</p>

<p>And I do sympathize with you, and her, very much. Try not to lament the road not taken (the dream college you wished she'd applied to) because dream opportunities tend to come up again but in different forms. Stay positive.</p>

<p>My D wanted some gap time between h.s. and college but never got it because of an ED acceptance. Now, immediately post-B.A., she's taken a year that's stretching into two, rather than grad or professional school.</p>

<p>It's been a productive year in terms of maturation but really very little art his been produced this year. At least the B.A. let her apply to a decent part--time job last year that has been offered full-time for next year. We're kind of edgy about her future, though, and will brainstorm how to parlay this job into something more like a career, in an upcoming visit. No easy answers for creative kids, that's for sure.</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
This just does not seem to get better or easier.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Who's the grown up here? It's time for you to take the bull by the horns. She doesn't seem mature enough or committed enough to either decision. You decide for her. Since she can't decide for herself, I think she is looking for your guidance.</p>

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<p>If she really is not interested or excited about her college, let her take CC courses and work...</p>

17

<p>It's her life. Let her decide. Make her decide (by not deciding for her).</p>

<p>If you decide or strongly encourage, you are vulnerable to being blamed for every bad thing that happens down that path. If you decide or strongly encourage, you deprive her of the responsibility and experience of making the decision (even by default).</p>

<p>Don't let her guilt, browbeat, beg you into deciding for her. It's her life, it's her decision. She has until August 1.</p>

<p>(And: if college X is what she really wants now, why not ask if she (not you) is willing to explore going there next year, or maybe even (if possible) in January?)</p>

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<p>great advice above, the only thing I would add is that if she could make a day trip to college 1 it might help her decide which way to go now. You already have an indication of what might happen if you push her into college 1- you will own the decision, not her. That would not be good, as I know from experience with ds.</p>

<p>The truth is...there are advantages to both directions.</p>

<p>And oh boy, do I feel your pain.</p>

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<p>I concur with those who would encourage her to go to college, at least for a semester. I would also say that she would have to complete that semester, and I would probably also suggest she begin working on a transfer application to the college you mentioned she really wanted. Since transfer applications are usually due early in the 2nd semester, she should plan her application process early to maximize her application package.</p>

<p>Perhaps the incentive of being accepted to the "only college she every wanted to go to" will motivate her to work hard and earn excellent grades.</p>

<p>Both my D and S were pretty immature at that time, but many kids are. I believe that had either of them expressed concerns and fears, I would have pressed them (hard!) to at least try a semester/year. </p>

<p>Others have also pointed out that the bf isn't changing his life for her, so SHE needs to make a life for herself too. </p>

<p>I also believe that kids sometimes subtlely are asking for help. S went through a little of that in deciding between 2 schools. H & I are probably guilty of "tipping the scales" a little toward one college over the other.
At the time, S was really looking for our advice and influence.</p>

<p>I'm detecting some of that with your daughter here as well. It's ok to be the parent....sometimes some kids really DO need a little push.</p>

20

<p>OP, you mentioned that D's best friend from birth is taking a gap year. Any chance that they could somehow share an apartment for a year?</p>