<p>I think it helps if kids recognize that there may be some bumps along the way in adjusting. My sister warned her D that the D has always had a tough time adjusting every time she was at a new school & expected that college would be no different. She would repeat this every time D mentioned she was having challenges at her U. We all think this helped her make her 1st year at the U as positive as possible. She LOVED her U going in, which may have also helped her thru some of the tough times.</p>
<p>Our S expected that he'd thrive at whatever U he went to & has always adjusted quite well to the changes in schools he's had over the years. He was right and had a fabulous year and did thrive at his U. He was happy with but not "in love" with his U when he began & thought/thinks the hype about the school is a bit much.</p>
<p>I've tried to prepare my daughter for those troubles in Paradise, because, as you say, there will certainly be some. Whether she listened to me (probably not) remains to be seen. In the end, I'm not too concerned. I think she'll create her own happiness in the northern hinterlands--or not. It's up to her. ... </p>
<p>As we progressed through the college search process this past year, I tried to make her understand that there was no single "perfect" college for her, but, rather, many at which she could find her niche and bliss. My advice fell on deaf ears once she saw Carleton. Well, the ball is in her court now as to whether she'll thrive up there, or not. Knowing my fiercely independent girl, I think she will. </p>
<p>On a slightly different track, I've observed in recent years how a fair number of kids from our community go away for college, only to return within a semester or two. Several of the girls decided that they simply couldn't be away from their hometown boyfriends any longer. Another was heartbroken when she didn't get into the sorority she wanted. One disliked her roommate, so, of course, her response was to move back home. Their expectations weren't met, so they came back to the life they'd always known. Where's the adventure in giving up so quickly? The growth of independence and broadening of horizons?</p>
<p>Hindoo - Your last post about kids giving up saddens me. I place partial blame on the parents, who allow or perhaps even encourage their kids to come home. Folks seem to lack the understanding that resilience and persistence build satisfaction and self-esteem.</p>
<p>I suspect my S is going to have adjustment issues this fall/winter/maybe spring too, but we're going to hold the line on moving back home (unless there's a true and serious emergency).</p>
<p>Our son broke up with his high school girlfriend first semester of his freshman year, but we didn't know about any of it until he got home for Christmas. That was the only bump in the road for him, but he really wanted to go away for school. Only about six kids per year from his class of almost 800 go out of state. One girl came back from Rochester after half a term because she missed all of her high school friends. She transferred to UT, where all of her high school friends went.</p>
<p>I will agree that in some cases the parents can sabotage the bonding process. My daughter's friend is expected to stay here and "get her basics" while living at home, and then maybe transfer up to UT, but her mother would prefer she finish out at the local campus of UHV. (While living at home.) The parents have not even suggested SAT/ACT testing or college catalogs because they don't want her to leave. I think down deep she doesn't want to leave, either. At least this is out on the table, because I think that having her go away for school would not last.</p>
<p>Things really haven't changed that much since I was in college "back in the day." In my suite we had one person leave first semester because she missed her boyfriend, one because she got ill, and one suite over there was a girl that did not get into her sorority of choice so she transferred to Vanderbilt where she did get in. We also had a pair of friends that roomed together that were not on speaking terms by Spring, and we thought one of them was leaving but she hung in there.</p>
<p>It is heartbreaking when students feel they are so unhappy they need to leave, but even with careful planning and research there are too many variables that play in to how much a student likes school.</p>
<p>I know a few kids who have returned home after a semester of college (or less). In every case, it was a LOT more complicated than disliking a roommate, or missing a boyfriend. Unless you know the kid and the family very well, and you're certain you have the full story, don't start going tsk-tsk until you walk a mile in the family's shoes.</p>
<p>Off the top of my head, here are the headline-type reasons for the last five kids I've known to bounce home:</p>
<ol>
<li> Serious depression (resulting in suicide attempts).</li>
<li> Depression accompanied by severe homesickness.</li>
<li> Parent diagnosed with terminal disease.</li>
<li> Severe drug abuse, friends arrested by police. Also bipolar disorder.</li>
<li> Kid really didn't want to go to college, showed it by serious alchohol abuse.</li>
</ol>
<p>In all of the cases, the parents were confused and worried. Only in the fourth case was there any real inkling of a potential problem in advance. There wasn't any clear "right thing to do." None of them had encouraged unrealistic expectations, as far as I could tell, and unrealistic expectations only figured peripherally in a couple of the cases. If the kids had unrealistic expectations, they were more about growing up, not college.</p>
<p>I don't believe anyone here is tsk, tsking. Going to college is part of growing up, I see them as inter-related. While living with people in close quarters at school may not qualify as "knowing" in your opinion, missing a boyfriend or not getting into a sorority is extremely real and painful to some kids. Not everything has it's root in mental illness or drug/alcohol abuse.</p>
<p>Why is it that there is only room for one or two opinions on this board?</p>
<p>JHS--My references were to families I know. None of these particular kids were in serious trouble. In each case, the kids felt out of their comfort zone for one reason or another, and rather than giving it a chance, they immediately zipped home to the welcoming arms of their parents and high school friends. (Those who had remained "at home.") Obviously (!) boyfriends, homesickness, and sororities are not on a par with serious depression, suicide attempts, terminal diseases, and severe drug abuse. Nor did I imply they were. Never would I or anyone else tsk-tsk a student for returning home for such reasons, and I'm amazed you'd think we would!</p>
<p>While there are serious reasons to come home from college early, I think all too often "loving" parents subtly, or not-so-subtly, encourage their kids to quit and return to the home nest. I love my girls with every ounce of my being, but I'd like for them to experience a bit of the world away from their hometown. They may well decide that this is where they want to be in the long run, but I'd like that to be an informed decision--and theirs, not mine.</p>
<p>Bluebayou: Here's a poem (author unknown) I love about raising children. </p>
<p>I see children as kites.
You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground.
You run with them until you are both breathless.
They crash, you add a longer tail.
They hit the rooftop, you pluck them out of the spout.
You patch and comfort, adjust and teach.
You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.
Finally, they are airborne.
But they need more string, and you keep letting it out.
With each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with joy, because the kite becomes more distant, and somehow you know that it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together, and soar ... free and alone.
Only then do you know that you did your job.</p>
<p>I would feel that I had been inadequate as a parent preparing my child for adulthood if she/he fled homeward in the context of a relationship break-up, a failed sorority bid, missing high school friends, not liking their roommate or the weather, or anything of that ilk. </p>
<p>College age is time for broadening horizons, not affirming circumscribed limits.</p>
<p>I think far too many kids have been brought up in a coddled environment with their parents stepping in to fight every battle for them--even the most minor. They lack coping skills and cannot deal with adversity. Sad really. The sense of adventure has been traded for maintaining the staus quo.</p>
<p>I think it is worse than that. In my community, many parents won't let their kids deal with adversity. One mom I know drives lunch to her senior kid every day in HS, much to his chagrin.</p>
<p>Perhaps some kids are not daring eventhough they are mature. I know mine is pretty laid back and not quite a risk taker. I think it still depends on the kid, it's not always wise to push them to far away schools, especially when they want something nearby( but not so close to home). I know I love to be able to use an excuse to visit my daughter in one of the New England schools(love Maine lobster;) but D has said repeatedly that those schools don't appeal to her. All I can hope is that she extends herself in her search for colleges so at least she is aware of some other schools outside of CA. If not there is still a posibility of going out of state for graduate school.</p>
<p>The irony is that most of those who go home to try to find their high school lives find that they are no longer there. </p>
<p>I do find it frightening how many parents seem to want their kids to not go far. Parents who can not separate their own desires, fears and ideals from their children's. I have a 55 year old friend who only now is dealing with how her parents have manipulated her choices to this day!</p>
<p>It's hard to let go for all of us, but I truly get the most joy from watchig the soar to places I never got to go at their age.</p>
<p>There is the flip side to that global dream though. Waiting for emails when your kids are posted in places with little internet service--wondering how you will carve out a grandparent role when your grandkids are living on different continents. Worrying about malaria, aids, etc.</p>
<p>As my father used to say: "I didn't have six kids so they could all live out of town!" (Four out of six live three to twenty five hours away).</p>
<p>I agree with Hindoo. In my area, many kids come back home after just a semester or two away ... and "away" is only a couple hours! Those who do remain at school often return home most weekends. After they graduate (if the do!), so many live at home. Is our generation raising a bunch of helpless people?? I know so many parents who are actually happy to have their adult "children" living at home. I agree with TheDad ... I, too, would feel like a failure if my kids came running back home when they had a rough time. Life is tough! I know my D is going to hit some rough patches this fall when she has to finally be responsible for herself ... but I certainly hope I have prepared her mentally for the fact that she can handle it. </p>
<p>I love my kids dearly. I stopped working when the oldest was born so that I could be the one who was there for them at all times. BUT ... I did all of this with the expectation that I was giving them roots so that they could grow. And their growth should extend out beyond their childhood home. After they graduate, they need to find their own lives. I sure do want to continue to be an important part of their lives, but they need to find their own way. </p>
<p>To respond to the original problem: your D will probably change her mind a time or two over the next 10 months. She needs to find a good mix of schools that appeal to her & apply to them. They should all be schools that she would be okay attending. Have her monitor their websites & read any student blogs, newspapers, etc. As time goes on, she will begin to get a better sense of each school & narrow her list. Of course, May 1st may come & she still may not have a "definite" ... but she'll pick one & probably end up very happy there. It all works out in the end (often after some very stressful weeks ... but it DOES all work out!).</p>
<p>"As my father used to say: "I didn't have six kids so they could all live out of town!" (Four out of six live three to twenty five hours away)."</p>
<p>I would LOVE it if my kids set up shop nearby after they graduate and get out on their own. Not saying I want them moving back in WITH me, but geez I'd love to watch my grandbabies grow up, have a close relationship with my daughter in laws, and be a part of an "extended" family. Whether my kids decide to hang a shingle within 60 miles of my house or 600 miles, doesn't mean they're more or less independent. Just that they like living here (at least I think it's one of the best places on earth).</p>
<p>Re: kids who aren't ready to leave, or come running home after a year at school--
We know some families like that, but I think just as prevalent are the kids who NEED to LEAVE. I was one! I was sheltered and shy, but going away to college was exhilarating. Distance also improved the relationship with my parents - by 18, some space, and a change of scenery was needed.</p>