Should I feel bad for spending the summer away from home?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hey everyone, I'd appreciate some advice on the following situation from the perspective of parents. </p>

<p>So I'm pretty close to my family, and I know my mom's been looking forward to having me at home for the summer. But, I got into a paid summer research internship at my college that's quite far from home. The internship itself is a pretty good deal--housing provided, my friends are doing it too, and you make a nice sum of money.</p>

<p>Yet, the internship takes almost all of June and July, and pretty much rules out any extended family vacations. I think my mom was hoping to travel this summer and visit our family in our home country. I would still get 6 weeks to spend at home, but my brother has school during those 6 weeks, so we wouldn't be able to go anywhere.</p>

<p>Also, I always take my brother to visit our dad during the summer. Now that I'm not going to be there, since he's too young to go alone (my dad does a lot of night shifts, so I have to be there with my brother at night), he probably won't be able to go. My dad isn't the most accomodating person, so he probably won't work out an alternative to let my brother visit. I know that's my dad's problem, but I know in the end that my brother's the one that's going to get hurt. </p>

<p>I guess the alternative is to turn down the program and stay at home. I could probably take a summer math course (that's going to be a lot easier at my home university than my own top 10 college) that would put me ahead in my major. I could try to get a research position at home, also, though I'm guessing it might look less prestigious than doing it at my own college. Also, I would be able to spend more time with my family, take my brother to see our dad, and have time to go on a family vacation. </p>

<p>I would like to take the summer internship at my college mainly because of the money, because it should benefit my resume, and because it would be really fun considering my friends are doing it and we'd live together. My mom told me to go ahead and take it, but at the same time, I feel awfully guilty about it. What does everyone think?</p>

2

<p>Do the internship. It’s admirable that you are so concerned about you family, but you don’t need to be responsible for them and build you life around them. You’ll stiill have weeks at home with them. Your mom said do it, so you should.</p>

3

<p>If you were my kid, I would tell you definitely to take the internship with my blessing. It sounds, actually, as if your mom has already done so. Of course there are trade-offs, but you are at an age where I think you deserve to be seizing the best opportunities you can for yourself. Do go home for your six free weeks, and enjoy your mom and brother’s company while you are there! But you are in the process of transitioning from being a child in a family to being an independent young adult, and it’s not reasonable to expect your summers to unfold in the future as they always have in the past.</p>

<p>Is it possible for your dad to visit your brother, rather than the other way around? Or for you to take him to see your dad for a long weekend? It’s too bad if something can’t be worked out, but as you note yourself, it’s not your responsibility to solve the problem.</p>

4

<p>I think you should take the internship. It sounds like it will be both very practical and very fun. Plus your mama said go for it … let go of the guilt and do what your mama says. ;)</p>

5

<p>Thank you for your (quick!) replies! </p>

<p>So, my mother did tell me to go ahead and do it, but at the same time, I think she feels like I’m picking spending time at my college over spending time at home. Which, I guess is exactly what I’m doing, but how do I make her see that she shouldn’t view it like that? </p>

<p>See I guess the thing is that she told me to go ahead and do it since I want to do it, but I don’t feel like she’s giving me her “blessing” exactly.</p>

6

<p>In today’s world, a paid internship should trump any other plans that you can possibly have-other than if you had already paid for travel abroad or some kind of family medical problem or emergency.</p>

7

<p>Consider yourself fortunate that you have an internship lined up. Your parents should be happy for you. Set up video chat so that you can keep in touch that way while you are gone and send them an email once a week on how you are doing.</p>

8

<p>You are kind and caring and that is a wonderful thing. Take the internship…and then make the most of the six weeks you DO have at home with your family. This is the first big change for your family and will be an adjustment for all of you but it’s a fabulous opportunity for you and you still get to be home some as well.</p>

<p>As parents, we sure missed our kids when they were not at home for the summers (ours were home very few summers after 8th grade). It made the times they WERE home more special to us all.</p>

9

<p>I’d suggest not guessing why your mother gave approval or supposing her feelings about the issue, but rather having a calm, loving, and adult conversation with her. Transitions can be hard emotionally, but parents can be very sensible people who are capable of great emotional maturity. Really. We can.</p>

<p>Feeling the pain of missing the company of our children does not mean that we would prefer those children to miss great opportunities.</p>

10

<p>Another vote to take the internship. Take your mom at her word and don’t try to figure out what she is thinking. Enjoy the opportunity and congratulations.</p>

11

<p>As a freshman I’m thinking about spending the summer away from home as well, and my parents have similar reaction. I think part of the reason is that parents are still adjusting to the fact that we’re growing up and leaving home, and partly because they’re secretly worried how well we can actually take care of ourselves on our own. Surely she’ll miss you, but that’s also something to get used to.</p>

12

<p>Take the internship! It will help you get more internships or work next Summer too. Your Mom wishes she could see you more, but hey, that’s life. Kids grow up and fly the coop, and all good parents know that…</p>

13

<p>The internship should be considered part of your education and can also be important in finding a good job once you graduate. you should do the internship. If possible, maybe you can arrange to take a week or so off between the internship and school and visit your family then. BCeagle’s idea of setting up a video chat (and actually using it every now and then) is a good one.</p>

14

<p>Of course your parents will miss you, and it’s too bad your free time doesn’t work better for vacations, but it’s part of growing up. Last summer when our son had an internship on the opposite coast we decided to take the family vacation where he was. We just saw him on the weekend, but it was a good solution for us. Like others, I think you should take the internship.</p>

15

<p>mermaid- I think your mom wants to give you her blessing, but, since she loves you, her first instinct is to want to keep you close. </p>

<p>She has told you to do the internship because she knows it will benefit your future (the whole reason you are at college). She wants you to be employable upon graduation, and internships are the necessary steps to a job.</p>

<p>Give her credit for putting your future first. Use your home vacation time to spend quality time together with her and your brother. Keep her informed in the summer about the internship work and emphasize how much you appreciate her support.</p>

16

<p>My older daughter spent all of her college summers 1000 miles from home working at a church camp. I missed her terribly. The first summer, our church did a photo directory, and it was the first time we were photographed without her. Camping with three instead of four felt odd. But she was beginning her life as an adult, and I was happy for her to be in a place that I know she loves, and that was what was most important. I had to get used to being without her at some point, and waiting a few years wouldn’t have made that pain any less.</p>

<p>Yes, your mother will miss you, and your brother will may not be able to spend as much time with your father. But the internship, especially if it will help you later in the job market, is a very valuable thing. As parents, we want what is best for our children, not ourselves.</p>

17

<p>I think your mom probably knows that it would be foolish to turn down an awesome opportunity. But it’s understandable that she will be sad. It may also mean setting up extra care for your little brother.</p>

<p>Try to think if there is a way for your brother to meet your dad at your campus city so that you can all have some time together.</p>

18

<p>You should take the internship. As the mother of an only child…I am already missing my D and she has not even left the house yet. I would feel horrible if I made her feel guilty or bad enough to pass up a great opportunity. What you are considering is not unreasonable. You are growing up and can not stay at home forever. Your mom is always going to miss you. I bet your grandmother missed your mom as she started to grow up and move on with her life, just as you will miss your child when he/she is presented with something that will take them away from home. </p>

<p>Good Luck</p>

19

<p>Internships are vital stepping stones to jobs and grad schools. They are usually competitive and you can’t afford to turn it down. Caring parents sacrifice time with their children to benefit the child’s future. Your mom is the one who’s job it is to take care of your brother. Just go out of your way to keep in touch, like other’s have said. I think 6 weeks at home is a pretty good stretch. Has anyone considered changing your brother’s schedule instead if the travel is so important to everyone? Or would it be doable for Mom and brother to visit for a long weekend and you show them the sights?, or a week and 2 weekends to see you on?</p>

<p>My daughter spent every summer at school on the opposite coast with a paid research job or research grants. Also taking extra class or so while she was there. I’m sure this helped get her into a funded phD track program out of undergrad. She always managed a bit of vacation time home (never 6 whole weeks!) I missed her but I didn’t begrudge her. I was thrilled she built such a powerful CV.</p>

<p>Don’t feel bad. Life is full of trade-offs.</p>

20

<p>I also vote to take the internship. At this point in your life, it’s the right thing to do.</p>

<p>One of my kids also took a paid internship in another state last summer, which meant that he wasn’t home for the first time. Aside from the sadness related to my baby growing up, I had needed him to help with yardwork and other summer chores. He was also losing a summer with his other parent, who is in a NH. Our summer was tougher without him, but I strongly encouraged him to take the opportunity of the internship. It was a wonderful opportunity for him, and every parent wants the best for their kids.</p>

<p>If you were just taking the internship to hang out with your friends for a summer or if the internship had nothing to do with your major, I would have a different opinion.</p>