<p>I'm a college sophomore and an only child. I didn't begin living with my parents until I was 8 but I grew to be very close to them. I applied to mainly schools in the Northeast so that I would never be too far from home. Now, I go to college a short train ride (~3-4 hours) away but I end up visiting very infrequently and I've really spent no more than a week at a time at home since I left for college 2 years ago.</p>
<p>Some reasons:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Schoolwork- yeah I know it's lame but I always have a lot to do and travel time cuts into my ability to get things done (in addition I just find I'm really really inefficient working at home).</p></li>
<li><p>On-Campus Jobs, Summer Research - the opportunities are here and I try to take advantage of them. I did research over winter break freshman year and research over the summer after freshman year. </p></li>
<li><p>High school friends rarely have schedules that line up with mine. As a result, I've more or less lost touch with a lot of them. My parents both have full-time jobs so that translates into quite a bit of alone-time for me at home.</p></li>
<li><p>Boyfriend at school - yeah, seriously, never thought it would happen to me but I'm actually pretty attached and there's a bit of sadness going home as well as coming back to school.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>My parents were hoping that I visit during the last long weekend, but I had meetings to organize and canceled that. My mom wanted me to find a job near home and live at home this summer but those jobs never called me back. The ones that did call me back were on the west coast and now I'm flying out to California for a 12 week summer internship. It starts a week after my last final and my mom sounded disappointed when I told her I would only be home for 3 or 4 days (even though she didn't say so). </p>
<p>So I'm feeling pretty guilty and a little sad. They were really sad when I first left. My mom was talking about how my dad cried on the drive home from dropping me off. They've gotten used to it since but I didn't intend college to be the end of my close relationship with my parents. </p>
<p>Anyways I'm not sure what I hope to gain in posting this, but the parents on this forum seem to always have some wise/comforting things to say, so I'm seeking your opinion. Should I not be feeling this way? Am I a bad daughter for sort of just leaving and never coming back? Did you run into this issue with your college-bound kids?</p>
<p>Do your parents take an annual vacation? If so, maybe they can get a bed-and-breakfast in your college town and visit you? Invite them. Tell them you're sad about the situation too but never expected to be so "grounded" at the campus. Maybe you could go to movies and whatever for a few days together, just hang.
If you are lucky enough to have them come vacation in your town, do tell all your friends not to interfere and let you spend all your time with your parents!!</p>
<p>Try to get them to visit you -- at college, at your internship, wherever you are.</p>
<p>Because you're gone so much, your relationship with them will be conducted mostly over the phone and by e-mail. But if they can visit, it will add a lot of depth to all your future conversations. They'll know more about the places and people you talk about -- just as you know about the places and people they talk about because you used to live there. </p>
<p>My sister, who lives on the other side of the country, was able to come visit me when she came to my area on a business trip two months ago. It was the first time that she had ever seen the house and the community where I am currently living. This has really enhanced our ability to communicate. Now, when I complain about the traffic, she knows what I'm talking about!</p>
<p>
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I didn't intend college to be the end of my close relationship with my parents.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>awwwww Pebbles {{{}}}
keep in mind that college, at least undergrad, is only four years. It's only the chapter in life that you happen to be in now. In the next chapter you could be in a place where you're geographically closer or have more flexibility in your schedule which will allow for more time together.
Keep in touch with them now via phone, e-mail etc and in a few years you may find your lives cycling closer again.</p>
<p>No, you are certainly NOT being a bad daughter, and I can't imagine your parents want you to feel guilty or sad about not being able to get home more.</p>
<p>The thing is that parents can feel two completely contradictory emotions at the same time: one the one hand, total happiness that their child is engaged, challenged, excited and independent; on the other, total despair that their little girl has grown up to become a person who they don't get to see every day. I had to come to this joyful and bitter realization when my older son chose to head off to boarding school at the age of 16. Every day I rejoice in the fantastic person he has become, and every day I mourn the fact that I cannot be there to watch from the sidelines as I used to be (and yes, I cried all the way home the day we dropped him off at school, after having held it all in until I was in the car and he couldn't see me anymore!)</p>
<p>I think the suggestions everyone else has made about calling and inviting your parents for a vacation are great. But I also think that you shouldn't feel bad about the choices you've made that have meant less home time. While your parents may be sad for themselves, I'm sure they're happy for you and very proud of the young woman you've become.</p>
<p>Know what ya mean pebbles. After classes end, I have about a week to spend with the parents before going off for the internship again. I would definitely like to spend more time at home.</p>
<p>I do call often (almost daily), to talk about the day and stuff. It helps me keep posted with what is going on at home.</p>
<p>This happens. I have always felt close to my parents, but after the summer of my freshman year in college -- when I spent a very boring, unhappy time at home -- there have only been a few times when I've spent more than a week at a time with them. Christmas vacation my senior year in college, maybe one Christmas vacation when I was in law school, and a couple two-week trips together (with my wife) that we planned over the years. From the time my first child was born until two years ago -- 18 years -- I don't think I ever visited them, or they us, for more than 5 days at a time. (The kids sometimes went for 3-4 weeks, though.)</p>
<p>As a mom of a '10, I can say that the fact that my S calls and e-mails pretty frequently has made the separation so much easier. The computer and the cell phone are fabulous things! When my generation was in college, we called home once a week from the dorm hall phone. It was too expensive and inconvenient to do more than that. But now, you can give a quick call while you're walking to class or waiting in line at the cafeteria, you can send them a copy of an e-mail advertising a lecture you plan to attend, stuff like that which doesn't cut into your studies and activities, but will help you and your parents keep current.</p>
<p>"wow, Im so happy and proud that you got the internship you wanted!"</p>
<p>"wow, I'm so sad you got the internship and won't be home!"</p>
<p>pretty schitzophrenic but it's our reality. </p>
<p>Ramp up your communication with your parents.They will be happier and so will you.
You are a wonderful and mature adult to care how your plans affect your parents feelings. You are a great daughter!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for your thoughtful posts. A few additional complications: Well, just one main one. Recently my dad's boss moved to Dartmouth (where he was originally at Yale) and is taking his entire lab with him. Since we recently bought a house (first house we've ever owned :)) my dad tried changing labs so that he could stay nearby. Well, the job market isn't so good in biology these days and there weren't any job openings and in order to pay the mortgage and (oh yeah, my tuition) he's going to have to move to New Hampshire with his lab. So my mom is in CT and my dad will be in NH. He plans on driving home some weekends. Still, this is a pretty stressful situation.</p>
<p>In addition, I'd really love for them to spend some time in the boston area (where I go to school) but my parents are not the vacation type. They grew up very poor so they're always wary of spending money where it is not needed. We've been talking about spending a summer in Europe since maybe my sophomore year in high school and each year it gets pushed back because of money and family issues. And now I'm committed to this project as an intern (I'm working on this satellite until launch date in 2009 - also, when I graduate) and I plan on going to graduate school (hopefully) and I just don't know when (if) that vacation will ever happen.</p>
<p>One more thing, we're immigrants. I recently got naturalized so that I could work on this project but they are not citizens. Needless to say I'm kind of all the family they have around here (we actually have a big family, just not in this country :P) and they are all the family that I have. My mom's sister recently came to live here as well, but here, being Washington D.C. My mom visited her when she got lonely this last winter break.</p>
<p>Thanks for the assurances. Though JHS's post worries me a bit. That's exactly what I'm afraid of will happen. :/</p>
<p>I think your concerns show that you're a good daughter so I don't think that should be questioned.</p>
<p>This separation is what frequently happens when kids grow up and embark on their paths. Sometimes it's just due to practicalities such as in your case. You need to stick with your studies and your internships and squeeze in visits when you can. They can hopefully also come visit you. Even a quick visit of a few hours every now and then can make a difference. Maybe they can do this every now and then - take the train up in the morning, take you and your roommates/BF/friends to lunch, and take the train back later. It doesn't consume that much of your time and they still get to see you. Also, call them fairly frequently (easy/cheap if you're both on the same cell carrier).</p>
<p>The vacation for them to visit you while you're in California is a good idea if they can swing it. It allows them to see you, let's you see them, and gives them a good excuse to take what sounds like a needed vacation.</p>
<p>We do that with our son. In fact, we do that quite a bit more than we talk on the phone--since it is much more flexible for him than a telephone conversation.</p>
<p>It's tough Pebbles, but statistically when you graduate you'll boomerang back to your parents! </p>
<p>I'm joking...I'm surprised at your parents honestly...they are immigrants..where are THEIR parents? This is what you need to do to get a good education. If you call or write (email or even snail if they are not computer people) would that make them feel less excluded?</p>
<p>I can only imagine the pressure you feel being a daughhter and an only child to parents who have made you the center of their universe. Everyone wants your attention and time: school, boyfriend, parents, friends, jobs, internships and there is just not that much time to give. No matter how much time you give no one is happy! And there is not even time for just you!</p>
<p>You need to know that it is impossible to keep everyone happy. It just is. Instead of allowing their needs to pull you apart until you burst you have to allow yourself not to feel guilty. You are doing your best. That is the very best you can do. Your needs must come first. When someone puts pressure on you just explain how badly that makes you feel and that you are trying your best to be fair to everyone. </p>
<p>Take care of yourself first and it will all fall into place. People will get used to their new roles in your life. It just takes time.</p>
<p>I am sure you are an awesome daughter and friend. It will be okay.</p>
<p>I know realistically we won't see our son as much as we want to when he starts college in August. I'm sure your parents are missing your daily presence in their lives as we will miss our son, but I hope they are also incredibly proud of and happy for you. We do plan to visit him some, like parents weekend and Thanksgiving. I'm hoping he'll come home for Oct., Dec.-Jan. and March breaks and maybe even the summer. But if he gets invitations to visit with new friends or an incredible travel or internship opportunity comes up, I'll be happy for him and encourage him to accept. Too bad your parents don't visit you, for whatever reason. At least if you invite them, you'll have done your best. If you've had a close relationship all these years, it is likely to remain close.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the advice. As a compromise I'm trying to shave one week off of my internship (summer break is 13 weeks, internship is normally 12) so I don't feel so pressed to get right back to school. To Mombot: yeah, I guess as an example, my parents left the nest for college and then went on to work 1500 miles from home and then clear left the country and visit for a month once every 5 years... but that example doesn't make me feel very good.</p>