^^I am reminded of an Erma Bombeck book: “Family: The Ties That Bind…and Gag”.
I would think hard about how you want to handle this. If your kid made a decision to send your grandson to this school based on your commitment then it would be a real hardship for them if you should stop. I think before you made the commitment you should have clearly stated your expectations, may it be weekly phone call or getting above 3.0 GPA.
What was your grandson’s behavior before he went off to college. If he has never thanked you for anything, why would you expect him to do it now?
I think you are perfectly in your right to expect some gratitude, and your grandson needs to be taught of it by his parents. I would have a conversation with his parents first. You don’t want to do it because you think it maybe fake, but sometimes faking it is fine, it is still a common courtesey.
This is a really difficult situation.
Really, what has been his past behavior?
Or is this lack of gratitude a new thing?
Listen to your heart on this.
Link to his facebook or other social media to see what is going on.
How about making this a “teachable moment”? Write your grandson a letter. Tell him that you’re committed to his education, which is why you’ve agreed to help him by with a generous amount every year. Tell him that you specifically didn’t attach any strings (his grades or even expecting thank you notes) because you have faith in his intelligence and choices. And then admit that you were hurt by his rudeness. That at the very least he overreacted to a situation in which you’re HELPING HIM. Tell him you don’t need an apology - but an acknowledgment of this letter and a sign that he would like you to continue with your financial support.
If the kiddo has any class (or brains) he’ll sheepishly come running (or calling/emailing.) If he doesn’t reach out to you - you could then, with a clear conscience, make the decision whether or not to send any more money.
This situation is a tough one for you and your spouse. It involves your child and your grandson. If you give more details, there might be more justification for one response over the other.
Do you have a good relationship with your child and their spouse? Has your child been appreciative of your gifts to fund college for their son? Did your grandson originally respond gratefully to your offer to help me? Has your child raised a well-behaved child, and is grandson’s current selfish behavior completely out of character for him?
If the answers are mostly yes to this first set of questions, then I think you can try to work with this family to speak honestly about how badly you were treated. Not sure if you go through your child or directly to your grandson. You should honestly express your hurt at your grandson’s treatment of you over the phone. I would state your feelings but not issue any ultimatums. Let some time pass and see what kind of responses you get from child/grandson.
Depending on how things go, you can choose to cut off funds now or let family know you will be cutting them off at the end of this academic year. (You can also choose to reduce the funds if you aren’t comfortable cutting them off completely. Maybe cut them in half.) Or choose to continue funding him, if you get some heartfelt communication.
If this rude treatment is just more of the same that you have come to expect from this grandson, I would be more inclined to more immediately cut off funds.
Consider also how you will be treated once you cut or reduce funds. Your relationship with child/grandson may become strained or fall completely apart. That is a chance you take when dealing with ungrateful relatives who expect and demand your money.
So think this over and be sure you and your spouse are in agreement. You don’t want to make a stand, and then give in 2 months later when grandson keeps whining and begging. Decide together what you will do and then stick with it.
It seems that you truly care, and were trying to be kind. And in return, you got worse than just not getting thanked. You got yelled at by the recipient of your kindness. Look at the big picture, and decide together what you are willing to live with/without down the road.
If there is a way to communicate that you love him, but you will not allow him to treat you this way, then you have done what you can to try to teach him an important life lesson.
Write him a letter to cut him off soon, you’ll hear from him right away. Faux appreciation. So what. I think you might need to be that grandma that taught him manners. Obviously his parents never did.
But this will do him good in the long run.
A good friend of mine paid for his dead brother’s kids college tuitions. He also bought them each a Rolex watch when they graduated. The kids never showed much gratitude, didn’t remember my friend’s birthday or get him xmas gifts. He stopped giving after they graduated. I chuckled when my friend told me. I told him if I had a rich uncle like him, I would be kissing his behind if nothing else.
the grands are not leaving him high and dry with risk of not graduating. They were paying the money that he would have had to take out in loans. So, now he’ll take out the loans.
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last week he called my husband bloody murder that he had a balance of a couple hundred dollars in fees to the college (that posted after we paid tuition) ... and wanted to know if we could help with books. we paid the college within 30 minutes. we then texted later that night just to say it was taken care of and we asked what classes he was taking. no response. this is typical.
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Are you saying that he called your H and was nasty? What is “bloody murder”? I’ve only heard that in context of “screaming bloody murder”. Did you mean that or something else?
If he called your H and was in ANY way nasty or rude, then FOR SURE cut him off.
I don’t agree with the mom who says that boys have a hard time saying thank you. Only boys who weren’t raised to be grateful have a hard time saying thank you. Boys who were raised to say thank you from tot-hood know how to say thank you because it rolls off their tongues because it has become practiced habit.
Maybe I am from a different era or culture, but if I choose not to fund his education, it will come with a full explanation on why to the affected party. However, if they respond with indignation or impertinence, well, life has just given me validation on my actions. When did it become the time for elders to walk around on egg-shells for a youngsters approval or some shard of affection or recipocation? In the long run, you do him no favors by reinforcing that sully behavior is rewarded by more thoughtfulness…
Do you think its possible that he doesn’t want to be in college in the first place, and is resentful of your financially facilitating it?
In any case, its a good example that people place a value on things that often relates to what it costs…them. Supporting people when its possible for them to support themselves is usually a poor idea. Often you end up with two resentful parties instead of just one.
You could back away from it next year and see what he does. You could always step up and pay his loans off later if you thought it was the right thing to do, based on what happens in the interval.
We don’t see my inlaws often because they live far away but communicate with them regularly… They send my daughter $5k per year for college. DH thanks them on the phone and my daughter sends them a thank you note. We don’t mention it during visits because other family members are usually around. You did say that you did get a thank you last year. Was it insincere? Were you expecting more?
That being said, calling your husband and demanding more money was rude and entitled. I would talk to your son or daughter and let them know what happened.
If you are dissatisfied with the response, I don’t think stopping after this year will be a big deal. He will have the summer to work and get loans. Graduating with 16K in loans is not a big deal. Over ten years at 6% the payment is $177 per month.
Or even better, if the young man is going to respond with a shallow faux thank-you, return the gesture with a faux check----and see if the faux college register will accept it.
@mom2coIIegekids : Geez, I was reading through the comments waiting for that! Precisely.
I think you need to have a talk with him and his parents. Then if you are not satisfied with how you are treated I would let him know he needs to fill out the FASA so he can get his student loan amount of $6,500 for the year and also so he can get a JOB to come up with the additional $1,500. It’s doable if you let him know now. Also next year he can get $7,500 in loans so he wouldn’t need to work as much.
One thing I am curious about is did he come to you originally and ask or guilt you by saying I don’t want to take out loans can you pay $8,000 a year for me or did you offer it up without any pressure?
I wouldn’t cut him off now. There’s little educational value in that, and there would be a lot of resentment.
Instead, I would let the student and parents know about the problem and say that if it isn’t corrected during the remainder of this school year, you won’t contribute again next year. This gives the student time to clean up his act, and if he doesn’t do it, I think he will learn a lot if you then stop contributing.
I worked for someone for many years who always had the policy, “Seek first to understand.” Whenever there was some disagreement around the office or morale issue or whatever, he would sit down with everyone and try to understand first before giving an opinion. I learned so much from that.
I think you need to “seek first to understand” why the grandson was frantic and upset on the phone, and why he did not answer the text. Those are the two main complaints here, right? I know at my daughter’s university, if fees are not paid by a certain date then the student is unenrolled – just like that. The kid could have been panicking thinking he was about to be unenrolled, and maybe he was right. He could have had an upsetting discussion with his own parents right before calling the grandparents. Or maybe he had success with this approach in the past asking for money. You won’t know till you ask why he behaved that way on the phone, and he won’t know how it made you feel until you tell him.
Also, you never know about the text issue without asking. I’ve seen texts never go through at all, or go through 24 hours later, or not be noticed because someone’s phone was off (because they were in a meeting or whatever and had to have it off, or left it off from earlier meeting/class), etc.
The question asked in the text also does not seem easy to answer in a quick reply, or related to the issue of paying for the books. To list all of the classes he is taking does not address what books he needs – he might only need books for one class. Some young people nowadays get an average of 30 or more texts a day, on top of emails and phone calls. There is no way to know what distractions he was facing when the text came through without asking. Also, I’m surprised you don’t already know what classes he is taking. A more relevant point is how much will the books cost, and are you going to help or not.
In summary, I think you could benefit by talking to him to better understand his behaviors that are at issue here. Next, I think he absolutely needs to get a job, so he doesn’t have to panic every time he needs a couple hundred dollars. Then you need to draw the line. If all you ever offered to pay in the past was the main tuition bill – and that’s all you paid last year – then draw the line there, or draw a new line wherever you like, but explain the reasons if you draw a new line.
If he is being demanding and apparently rude because in reality you spent more on him last year than just paying for tuition, or you spent a lot throughout his upbringing, and he has come to rely on you for every needed expense, then you’ve created this behavior through a long pattern of your own behavior. I don’t think you can reverse it overnight by just shutting off funds for the next two years. He likely won’t understand the complete turnabout from you.
I think it would be better to motivate him toward the behaviors you seek – in grades and politeness – by saying future tuition payments are contingent on these things. However, you will need to agree together on what constitutes politeness. I don’t think there is a parent (or grandparent) on CC that gets instant, complete responses (or any response at all) to all their text messages to their college student. If you demand that, you will all be in for disappointment.
Mommyrocks’ post is excellent. All these knee-jerk “just cut him offs” don’t seem to go anywhere. Why not actually communicate and find out what’s up? Either it’s a teaching moment … and he’ll go forth with renewed appreciation of all that you do … or he’s not worth your hard-earned money. Problem is, right now you don’t really know which it is.
What did you promise to do?
Obviously, we’ve only heard your side of this story. Is there another side that would suggest you’re looking for an excuse to get out of a costly promise you made?
It did cross my mind that there might be an emergency where the boy needed the extra money right away or he would lose his classes. But an emergency is no excuse to be rude. It is just as easy to say “I hate to call because you have been so generous but there has been a mix up with my account and I need $X or I lose my classes. Will you help?”.
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Do you think its possible that he doesn’t want to be in college in the first place, and is resentful of your financially facilitating it?
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Since the Grands are only covering what would have been covered with his loans, they’re not really “making college happen”…they’re just helping college happen without debt.